Overweight daughter

sargessexyone

WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.

Thank you!

of COURSE this is the response you appreciate and reply to.

consistent MFP is consistent.

Keep reading. I posted a Thank you to EVERYONE!!!

rondaj05

I feel like some of you are letting your personal experiences get too involved in this. It is unfortunate that your parents made you feel bad about your weight, but this may not be the case with OP. We don't know exactly how she is communicating with her daughter. It is her responsibility to point out if she thinks her daughter may be doing something dangerous and unhealthy.

With that being said; OP, that's just it. If your daughter knows how you feel and you have laid out in a very loving way your concern, you have done your part. It is your job to bring it to her attention that you are concerned for her health. You have done that.

Now it's time for you to step back and let her be a grown woman. She's in charge of her own body. When she is ready (and she may NEVER be), she will start. But ultimately, it's her decision to decide how she wants to live her life.

Well said!! :flowerforyou:

sargessexyone

Did you actually post a picture of her with you as your profile picture? Did she give permission for that?

Not that that is relevant but no and no.

CynthiaT60

Did you actually post a picture of her with you as your profile picture? Did she give permission for that?

Not that that is relevant but no and no.

It would definitely be relevant if you told us all about your daughter's weight problem and included a picture, while she obviously doesn't want to be on MFP.

allbarrett

My parents are both overweight (morbidly obese, actually). If either one of them had ever EVER said word one to me about my weight, I would have laughed in their faces. Unsolicited advice about what to eat, how much to eat, how to dress, whatever, is a guaranteed way of ruining a relationship. I think the most unkind words I have ever heard start with "you would be so attractive if....". After that, it doesn't matter what is said.

Not to be unkind but you really must stop even mentioning your daughter's weight at all, to anyone. It isn't your business unless she makes it your business by actively soliciting your advice or input.

I hate to pile on, since so many have said essentially the same thing, but as a grown daughter of an overweight woman who yo-yo dieted/exercised for years, I feel I have a bit of perspective here.

Rays_Wife

Did you actually post a picture of her with you as your profile picture? Did she give permission for that?

Not that that is relevant but no and no.

It would definitely be relevant if you told us all about your daughter's weight problem and included a picture, while she obviously doesn't want to be on MFP.

If you read her profile you will realize that is not her daughter in the picture

CynthiaT60

Did you actually post a picture of her with you as your profile picture? Did she give permission for that?

Not that that is relevant but no and no.

It would definitely be relevant if you told us all about your daughter's weight problem and included a picture, while she obviously doesn't want to be on MFP.

If you read her profile you will realize that is not her daughter in the picture

Good information. But do you read every poster's profile?

mjterp

I asked family to log on to MFP to help support ME on my journey...NOT for them. Once in a while I razz them about "not being there for me." Then I stopped. THis year someone else they know invited them, they remembered that I was on and friended me.

What is great about this is that they are here and OTHERS are telling them that strict diets aren't the way to go because as soon as you stop the "diet" and go back to eating the way you did, the weight comes back! I'M NOT THE BAD GUY! I'm just supportive and going through the same struggle! We are all learning. It's great!

It is her journey...she has to find her own motivation and her own path. You can ask her to be supportive of you in YOUR journey, but don't even HINT that she needs it, too.

Rays_Wife

Unfortunately change has to come from within oneself. I have discovered first hand with myself as well as overweight loved ones in my life. You can't force someone into doing something they are not ready for. Trust me I get the situation you are in, I am in a similar one now. I have a loved one who gets very defensive when I talk about ANYTHING health related so I don't anymore. I know you're a concerned mom. But there is only so much you can do. It took me until I was 33 years old to do anything about my health after being overweight nearly all my life. That was because *I* made the decision to change, not because of what anyone else says.

Rays_Wife

Did you actually post a picture of her with you as your profile picture? Did she give permission for that?

Not that that is relevant but no and no.

It would definitely be relevant if you told us all about your daughter's weight problem and included a picture, while she obviously doesn't want to be on MFP.

If you read her profile you will realize that is not her daughter in the picture

Good information. But do you read every poster's profile?

No just the ones that interest me Here I'll open mine :laugh:

spara0038

I'm 25, 145 lbs, and 5'2"- so, I don't have as far to go as your daughter but I'm aiming to be down to around 120lbs

When I was in college, I got up to 150lbs or so. It wasn't because of overeating- I was eating 900 cal/day and was very active, so I kinda just forgot to eat. My junior year, my mom bought me a scales and some diet books to try to "help." In all honesty, it was one of the most hurtful things that my mom did. At the time, I was happy with where I was at and focused on college and my jobs, and feeling like my mom was trying to tell me I was fat made me really upset. I ended up losing about 15 lbs, but gained it right back because I honestly didn't care at the time. In fact, I kind of avoided the gym out of spite...

Fast forward 4 years, and I'm flipping through pictures of my friend's wedding and I see this person I don't recognize- me! I thought I looked alright, I thought I ate alright, I was *sorta* active... but it was the kick in the pants that I needed to get going. That was almost 2 months ago now, and although I haven't lost much weight, I've definitely lost inches off my waist due to exercise and eating right. I've gotten to the point now where I actually WANT to excercise to get the results I want.

In all honesty, I feel like the best things you can do are be supportive and lead by example. If she still lives with you (which I assume she does), start your own "diet' plan. Don't have junk food in the house, and make yummy meals and snacks that are satisfying but healthy. My fiance and I have eliminated chocolates and chips from the house. Not gonna lie- I still crave taco bell like crazy, but I try to take a different route home from work so I don't pass it every day. Having junk food be so inconvenient helps to reduce a lot of consumption!

Do your own thing, make your own choices, and show her that it's not terribly hard, but never EVER discuss it in a way that sounds like you're pressuring her. That'll backfire bigtime.

Edit: Assuming she doesn't live with you, invite her over and have a healthy meal or go out to the mall for a bit of a walk around. Seeing healthy habits get much better results than being told about it.

missbp

WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.

Actually . . . that is untrue. She also said that because her daughter lives in a different state, it is difficult to "stay on her", about this. She asked for feedback from other moms who are going through similar struggles with their own daughters. I am one such mom. Which is why I commented.

I can't speak for anyone else who commented, but I know that I did in fact point out that is was clear that she was well meaning. It was quite obvious actually. But, it still doesn't mean that all of us who suggested that she back off, are wrong. Or that we were wrong to offer our honest opinions and thoughts. We were after all asked for them.

Look, it's usually not that difficult to find people who will tell you what you want to hear. But finding folks who will give it to you straight, is not always so easy. I think the general consensus here is that it might be wise for the OP to back off a bit and give her daughter some room to figure this all out on her own.

boredlimodriver

ITT: OP picks out the 3 responses that support her. Now she thinks shes right.

O lordy.

missbp

Thank you everyone for your responses. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Props to you OP! As I mentioned in my first response . . . I am also the mother of a daughter, who happens to be overweight. I truly understand how difficult this is. I, like you, only want the best for my daughter, because my love for her is infinite. But, I saw my eldest sister develop an eating disprder as the result of the way our father, addressed her weight issues. I know how he made me feel too. So, my comments were truly based on my own experiences as a daughter and a mother of a daughter.

Good luck to both you and your daughter.

mrslcoop

Let me just clarify something. I do not nag my daughter about her weight. I actually only talk to her about it once in awhile and usually only in the context of her asking about my weight loss. I can see where when I said "stay on top of her about it" it gave the impression that we talked about her weight constantly, so I apologize for that misconception.

I have read through each and every response and while I felt some of them were very harsh, I admit, I cried when I read some of them, they were eye opening.

Nobody on here has said anything that I did not know in my heart. I know she is going to have to do this for herself. I think I was just wanting to know what others have done in a similar situation.

Thank you everyone for your responses. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I’m glad you kept reading. I know a lot of these posts were harsh (mine included), but sometimes the truth is harsh. If she is the one bringing it up all you can do is talk about yourself and what works for you. Be that good example. Since you’re both adults there isn’t anything you can do, but be that example that you know she needs. There will be a day when she honestly wants to talk about this with you openly, looking for help or suggestions or to finally let you know that she has dropped 20 lbs on her own. Until then, this needs to be her journey to decide to start. For all you know she might already be a member of MFP, but doesn’t want to talk about it. Give it time, love, and support.

pajouey79

ok, so clearly you have gotten a lot of replies already, but i just wanted to share my perspective from the daughter's point of view. I went 3 seperate times to WW with my mom. Partially for her and partially for me. After a while we both gave up with showing up and the weight not coming off anymore (and frankly some of the people there were just annoying and pissing me off). I finally took the initiative to go and do something else about my weight and have lost 25 pounds (for now). I did not have my mom by my side this time, but she checks up on me and supports me. Just be there for her when she makes that choice. At some point something will happen and it will click for her that something needs to be done. Support her and check up on her and if she quits, support her the next time. We know that our moms want the best for us, but we aren't in high school anymore and we can (and should) do this ourselves.
If you can't help yourself though , encourage her to do small things like a walk or a group fitness class, don't rag her about her diet.

sargessexyone

ITT: OP picks out the 3 responses that support her. Now she thinks shes right.

O lordy.

Not sure where you got that idea since I did later post and Thank EVERYONE.

tapirfrog

leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women

you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW

she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd

I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.

This is a valuable lesson to you.

Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?

No. That's what you took from the advice.

So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."

You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.

This ^^^^^^^^^ is friggin' brilliant. It might be the best piece of logic I've ever read on this site. Yes, yes, yes! [/braingasm]

spara0038

Let me just clarify something. I do not nag my daughter about her weight. I actually only talk to her about it once in awhile and usually only in the context of her asking about my weight loss. I can see where when I said "stay on top of her about it" it gave the impression that we talked about her weight constantly, so I apologize for that misconception.

I have read through each and every response and while I felt some of them were very harsh, I admit, I cried when I read some of them, they were eye opening.

Nobody on here has said anything that I did not know in my heart. I know she is going to have to do this for herself. I think I was just wanting to know what others have done in a similar situation.

Thank you everyone for your responses. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Even mentioning it once ever can be too much for someone with very low self esteem. If she has that much to lose, I'm sure that she's not only hearing about her weight from you, but from peers also. I used to get bullied at high school for my weight, and then my mom talked about it once in a while, it just piled up. But, she didn't know that I was being bullied. I was too ashamed to even bring it up because I didn't think she'd be sympathetic, and when she brought it up, it just felt like a continuation of the same thing I'd been dealing with all day at school. That's why being supportive of her as a person is the best. Try picking up a mutual hobby. For me, I felt like weight, exercise, and dieting was all I ever talked with my mom about (it wasn't), but having a hobby to enjoy together probably would have broken the ice better.

Now that I feel like I'm doing better than most of my peers (great job, own a house, getting married, etc), my self esteem has been improving and I feel better about working out- and this time I'm sticking with it!