Please help!
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Posts: 217 Member
in Chit-Chat
really need advice on this,
I am a 41 year old and married and have two children,
my problem is this, I work part time at a convenience store in the town I live in. I've gotten to know quite a few people and gotten pretty close to some of the regulars that come in ( like have coffee and they sit and chat with me) most of them all 70 or older men.
there is this older man, I know he has to be in his 70's that fell ill and ended up in the hospital. He is a farmer who we have even purchased beef from, so my whole family knows him. I was sad to hear that he was so sick and in the hospital so I've asked his family how is doing.
He is finally back home and well enough to come up the store where I work. I was happy to see him and came around the counter to give him a hug to welcome him back. He pretty much felt me up and kept saying I felt so good and he missed me very much. and as his hands were on my breast he asked if I minded because I felt so good. I was just so shocked and stunned that all I could do was look at the ground. This man I kinda thought of as a father. I don't think I ever lead him on or gave him any idea that I was interested him. for one, he is old enough to be my father, and that is the way I thought of him. and I'm married, he knows my husband, and my kids, (which by the way, my daughter will never be around him again). I'm just so shocked and am still in disbelief that this happened to me. I was raped when I was 20, and got over that pretty good, but this episode just brought back all the horrible feelings and memories.
I'm just wondering what I did so wrong to make him think I liked him that way and wanted him to touch me...
and edited, this is not a joke or for fun, I just need this icky feeling to go away...
I am a 41 year old and married and have two children,
my problem is this, I work part time at a convenience store in the town I live in. I've gotten to know quite a few people and gotten pretty close to some of the regulars that come in ( like have coffee and they sit and chat with me) most of them all 70 or older men.
there is this older man, I know he has to be in his 70's that fell ill and ended up in the hospital. He is a farmer who we have even purchased beef from, so my whole family knows him. I was sad to hear that he was so sick and in the hospital so I've asked his family how is doing.
He is finally back home and well enough to come up the store where I work. I was happy to see him and came around the counter to give him a hug to welcome him back. He pretty much felt me up and kept saying I felt so good and he missed me very much. and as his hands were on my breast he asked if I minded because I felt so good. I was just so shocked and stunned that all I could do was look at the ground. This man I kinda thought of as a father. I don't think I ever lead him on or gave him any idea that I was interested him. for one, he is old enough to be my father, and that is the way I thought of him. and I'm married, he knows my husband, and my kids, (which by the way, my daughter will never be around him again). I'm just so shocked and am still in disbelief that this happened to me. I was raped when I was 20, and got over that pretty good, but this episode just brought back all the horrible feelings and memories.
I'm just wondering what I did so wrong to make him think I liked him that way and wanted him to touch me...
and edited, this is not a joke or for fun, I just need this icky feeling to go away...
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Replies
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Talk to him, if he doesn't understand, go to plan B.
Plan B: Tell your husband, let him handle it.0 -
Talk to him, if he doesn't understand, go to plan B.
Plan B: Tell your husband, let him handle it.
Go with plan B.0 -
I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.0
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You had a horrible experience in your past, and this has clearly brought back that unhealthy mindset. You wonder "what you did to make him think you wanted it," that's a victim voice and it's NOT who you are. Don't let that voice in. You did NOTHING to make him think his actions were okay. His illness is no excuse for having crossed that boundary.
He is in the wrong.
Tell your husband, and tell him how it made you feel, and stay the hell away from that man.0 -
Yup, I was going to initially say to go straight to Plan B myself, but had no idea about how and her husband get along.Talk to him, if he doesn't understand, go to plan B.
Plan B: Tell your husband, let him handle it.
Go with plan B.
-would have gone with Plan B myself-
Okay.. Plan C? Avoid all contact with the guy.
Back away when he comes near, always make distance. Do not let him touch you, if he tries, act like you're about to freak out.
Sometimes it pays to act like you're crazy, even if it's just an act.0 -
I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.
This is not your fault. but you do need to handle it, sooner rather than later, and it is going to be better your husband hearing it from you than hearing it later fromsomeone else.0 -
I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.
This is not your fault. but you do need to handle it, sooner rather than later, and it is going to be better your husband hearing it from you than hearing it later fromsomeone else.
Additionally, you do not know if this man who manhandled you has done it to other women, or WILL do it to other women. Speak up and prevent others from being victimized by this guy.0 -
Yup, I was going to initially say to go straight to Plan B myself, but had no idea about how and her husband get along.Talk to him, if he doesn't understand, go to plan B.
Plan B: Tell your husband, let him handle it.
Go with plan B.
-would have gone with Plan B myself-
Okay.. Plan C? Avoid all contact with the guy.
Back away when he comes near, always make distance. Do not let him touch you, if he tries, act like you're about to freak out.
Sometimes it pays to act like you're crazy, even if it's just an act.
I see your point with plan C, but contact has been made, and I beleive that the old geezer needs to be made aware that the contact was unsolicited, unwanted, and inappropriate, with the caveat that next time, he will lose body parts. But thats just me.0 -
Hahaha, we think too much alike! I like to threaten bodyparts, as well.
Yup, I was going to initially say to go straight to Plan B myself, but had no idea about how and her husband get along.Talk to him, if he doesn't understand, go to plan B.
Plan B: Tell your husband, let him handle it.
Go with plan B.
-would have gone with Plan B myself-
Okay.. Plan C? Avoid all contact with the guy.
Back away when he comes near, always make distance. Do not let him touch you, if he tries, act like you're about to freak out.
Sometimes it pays to act like you're crazy, even if it's just an act.
I see your point with plan C, but contact has been made, and I beleive that the old geezer needs to be made aware that the contact was unsolicited, unwanted, and inappropriate, with the caveat that next time, he will lose body parts. But thats just me.
As the OP's case doesn't seem so extreme, I didn't mention it, but you might be right.. It perhaps does need to be mentioned, perhaps to prevent a second strike. He's already got one under his wing, who knows what else he might try.0 -
Are you kidding?? Let your husband handle this??
This is YOUR life and YOUR issue. In NO way do you outsource the handling of your issues to someone else.
Confront the guy. Tell him what he did was not okay. Make sure he understands that the next time he comes near you he gets hit hard.
THEN tell your husband. AFTER you have handled it. And if he says anything to indicate you might be at fault even slightly then tell HIM that's not okay.0 -
If you do nothing, he might think it was OK. Talk to him or your husband or both and make sure this doesn't happen again to you or someone else.0
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This happened at your work? Next time you see him make it clear that he is never to touch you again (it can be a hard talk but you will be so happy you did it) and if he gives any attitude about it or tries to be too 'friendly' again ban him from the establishment. You do not have to put up with that s**t. Seriously. I banned a valued customer once and just told my boss before the customer complained. When he showed up to complain my boss simply said 'you were already informed that you've been banned from this business, please leave'0
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I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.
You have a more serious problem than getting felt up by a 70 yr old man.0 -
Hahaha, we think too much alike! I like to threaten bodyparts, as well.
Yup, I was going to initially say to go straight to Plan B myself, but had no idea about how and her husband get along.Talk to him, if he doesn't understand, go to plan B.
Plan B: Tell your husband, let him handle it.
Go with plan B.
-would have gone with Plan B myself-
Okay.. Plan C? Avoid all contact with the guy.
Back away when he comes near, always make distance. Do not let him touch you, if he tries, act like you're about to freak out.
Sometimes it pays to act like you're crazy, even if it's just an act.
I see your point with plan C, but contact has been made, and I beleive that the old geezer needs to be made aware that the contact was unsolicited, unwanted, and inappropriate, with the caveat that next time, he will lose body parts. But thats just me.
As the OP's case doesn't seem so extreme, I didn't mention it, but you might be right.. It perhaps does need to be mentioned, perhaps to prevent a second strike. He's already got one under his wing, who knows what else he might try.
I have a Ka-Bar USMC fighting knife in my truck that would work nicely.....0 -
I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.
This is disturbing.
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Kicker of all a$$es
Been in fitness long enough to not know anything0 -
You had a horrible experience in your past, and this has clearly brought back that unhealthy mindset. You wonder "what you did to make him think you wanted it," that's a victim voice and it's NOT who you are. Don't let that voice in. You did NOTHING to make him think his actions were okay. His illness is no excuse for having crossed that boundary.
He is in the wrong.
Tell your husband, and tell him how it made you feel, and stay the hell away from that man.
This is very important. What he did is not okay.
What you decide to do is up to you, but at least don't blame yourself.0 -
I was just so shocked that I couldn't say anything at the time. and all I could feel was like when I did back when I was 20. a stupid naive girl.
He did back away and kept saying he was sorry. and then asked if I was okay. I wanted to say no, that what he did bothered me. I don't want it too because then I really feel I loss something. I want to pick myself up and say what ever like I did before.0 -
Just hypothetically... What would you do if he had done this to your daughter? Picture what you would do... Now do the same to stick up for yourself!0
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I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.
You have a more serious problem than getting felt up by a 70 yr old man.
ya, I know, I'm working on that too.0 -
My personal opinion is to let your husband know what happened and you all decide how to handle this situation as a family. As much as you think this is about you specifically it actually reaches further than that. He basically not only degraded and violated you personally but he gave your whole family the big F you at the same time. Just my 2 cents.0
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I believe in communication to get things resolved, perhaps this issue might help bring you guys closer :flowerforyou:I would love to talk to my husband about this, but sometimes he isn't very understanding on things, somehow I'm afraid he will think this is all my fault.
You have a more serious problem than getting felt up by a 70 yr old man.
ya, I know, I'm working on that too.0 -
I was just so shocked that I couldn't say anything at the time. and all I could feel was like when I did back when I was 20. a stupid naive girl.
He did back away and kept saying he was sorry. and then asked if I was okay. I wanted to say no, that he it bothered me. I don't want it too because then I really feel I loss something. I want to pick myself up and say what ever like I did before.
Speaking up doesn't mean you've lost something. I totally understand the freeze, and the not saying anything, and the internal screaming while acting like everythings fine and just brushing it off.
Speaking up is a gift to yourself. It says I will protect and defend myself. I can be my own warrior. I do not accept that I need to pretend everything is okay when its not.
It is liberating. You've got to give it a try (at least in my overly experienced with unwanted touches opinion) I feel so much better now than I ever did.0 -
1. Talk to him and tell him how uncomfortable you felt but do this with others around.
2. Explain to him that you no longer feel comfortable interacting with him in any way.
3. Tell your husband - he has the right to know!
4. If you truly feel threatened enough to keep your kids away from this man - tell other moms in the area or co-workers with kids.0 -
I was just so shocked that I couldn't say anything at the time. and all I could feel was like when I did back when I was 20. a stupid naive girl.
He did back away and kept saying he was sorry. and then asked if I was okay. I wanted to say no, that he it bothered me. I don't want it too because then I really feel I loss something. I want to pick myself up and say what ever like I did before.
Speaking up doesn't mean you've lost something. I totally understand the freeze, and the not saying anything, and the internal screaming while acting like everythings fine and just brushing it off.
Speaking up is a gift to yourself. It says I will protect and defend myself. I can be my own warrior. I do not accept that I need to pretend everything is okay when its not.
It is liberating. You've got to give it a try (at least in my overly experienced with unwanted touches opinion) I feel so much better now than I ever did.
I work every other weekend there, I hope he doesn't come in but if he does, I'm really going to try to confront him and tell him that it made me feel really gross. I really just want to forget it, but I'm thinking if he does again to me or to someone else.
I will try to remember your words that it is a gift to me. I just never have been strong enough to stick up for myself,0 -
Why do you women not react in the moment and stop it right there and then? I can assure you your husband is going to wonder why you didn't stop him....0
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1. Talk to him and tell him how uncomfortable you felt but do this with others around.
2. Explain to him that you no longer feel comfortable interacting with him in any way.
3. Tell your husband - he has the right to know!
4. If you truly feel threatened enough to keep your kids away from this man - tell other moms in the area or co-workers with kids.
I live in a very small town less than 800 people so everyone is related to everyone, except me, so one of my very good friends...this is her father-in-law,,,, which it makes it really hard to mention it to anyone in town. I normally would never come on the internet about something like this, but right now I feel I have no one to talk to...0 -
Why do you women not react in the moment and stop it right there and then? I can assure you your husband is going to wonder why you didn't stop him....
this is why I feel he will blame me...and say I did something to provoke him.
and the last time I reacted in the moment, I ended up with a broken jaw and bruised ribs.0 -
Just tell him the truth, you were in shock.Why do you women not react in the moment and stop it right there and then? I can assure you your husband is going to wonder why you didn't stop him....
this is why I feel he will blame me...and say I did something to provoke him.
It happens.0
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