The Challenge Of Being Honest

PhearlessPhreaks

It's been two weeks since I closed my diary so I could feel comfortable *really* being honest with myself... I think I've gotten a handle on things, and am contemplating reopening it. I'm actually really proud of the past few days in particular, and I feel much more in control and in a better place regarding food. But, every day is a challenge- every day, I'm afraid I'm going to *kitten* up and binge on something. Maybe it's a craving I'm having, or a hunger pang that won't go away (like right now, and I just ate a nice, big healthy salad with plenty of protein and healthy fats, but I still feel hungry)- when it happens I'm nervous that I'm going to lose the battle. I don't want to. I don't want to cave, I don't want to fail again- I know I will pick myself up and get back on the horse, but the mental and emotional bruising from the fall is more difficult than making the next meal or day a good one.

Making my diary private and being brutally honest with my intake was eye opening. And I happened to do it while in the middle of struggling- eating the better part of a bag of pretzel pieces, or a nearly a whole box of girl scout cookies. Doing so at such a low, uncontrolled point was a blessing in disguise, I think, because it forced me to see what I was doing. I think this is the first time in my life that I've really, truly confronted it in such a candid way. Oh, I've recognized that overindulgent snacking is where I stumble, but I've never felt like this about it. I've never felt *so* very out of control, despite otherwise eating well and being active. In the past, I could blame it on not being active enough. I could blame it on my overall diet, or drinking. And perhaps those things were factors, but that hasn't been the case the past couple months.

February was really bad and is what prompted me to do close my diary in the first place- I knew I needed to get a handle on myself. So, the first week of March, I didn't do anything other than faithfully log my intake. I didn't worry about macros or necessarily even trying to keep myself within goal. Just log every morsel I put in my face. As I said- eye opener. Wow. No friggin' wonder I'm not losing weight! The saying "you can't out excercise a bad diet" really hit home there. It didn't matter that I was working out for an hour most days of the week, or eating plenty of vegetables- the snacking unraveled it all. Week two's goal was to not overindulge on anything, and I. really. struggled. I dropped the ball a couple times, but overall, my willpower won out over the urges and cravings... and now we're at week three. And finally I feel in control again. Control feels awesome, but it's tempered by fear. I don't think I'm strong enough yet to ignore that fear. Yet, I wonder if I can make that fear work for me, rather than paralyze me... such a battle.

Thanks to everyone who reads this- I know it's kind of long and perhaps a bit disconbobulated, but I wanted to get it out there. I know there are others on here who deal with the same thing- some have conquered the beast, some are like me, in the midst of battle, and others who perhaps currently feel defeated. I hope sharing this will help those in the last category!

PhearlessPhreaks

Hmm. Perhaps I should have just written this in my blog, where no one would read it. Ah well.

howekaren

It's a strange thing, but I also closed my diary for basically that reason. It's not that I wasn't logging everything, exactly, as logging it in ways that "looked" good. I was logging things as afternoon snacks that I had at lunch so that it wouldn't look like I ate so much at lunch. I would not log a late night snack if it meant I was over my calories and someone would see it, even if it was only 50 calories over. I was only harming myself, so I decided to close it after reading someone else with the same sort of problem. Losing weight is such a terribly mental battle all the time, and that's one battle I wanted to avoid. For my own sanity. In reality, the diary is a tool, and I needed to use it as such, and not as a way to boast about my accomplishments for the day.

It sounds crazy, but we have to do whatever it takes. If I don't log and monitor my weight every day, I begin to gain and then I binge because I know I gained, and that starts a bad cycle.

Jruzer

I read it. I wish I had more to offer by way of support, but I think you're doing the right thing. The first step to tackling a problem is to understand it, and it sounds like you are learning about your diet and yourself. Keep at it and good luck!

GRUNO

Recognizing that you were out of control and taking steps to get back in control are great. Now you need to work on finding what triggers your binges. Once you find your triggers you can be better prepared to make the binges less frequent and reinforce your ability to get back on track faster.

You may want to try journaling to help you identify your triggers and trigger foods. Then you can design a plan to deal with it. I binge and I'm an emotional eater. I really have gotten so much better but there are still times I slip. You can't really cure yourself of the desire to binge. You have to curb the need to binge by dealing with your triggers in a different way. You also have to commit to getting right back on track the next meal. Do not fall into the trap of thinking I blew it today so I might as well eat what I want and start over tomorrow or next week.

I found this blog post really helpful and insightful, maybe it'll be useful for you.

http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/2013/04/12/email-from-a-reader-how-to-avoid-binge-eating/

PhearlessPhreaks

Thank you all for the replies! Support is encouraging- both giving and receiving it. I'm writing down how I feel in the "note" section of my diary- I haven't yet discerned what exactly the triggers are- sometimes it's not eating properly earlier in the day; other times it seems to be just mindlessness, and yet others there seems to be no real reason other than seemingly uncontrollable desire.

I think the most important thing for me is being honest with myself. I haven't figured it all out yet, and I really am so fearful of falling back to that place of absolutely no control- *knowing* I shouldn't but feeling so unable to help myself. I can't actually explain what's in my head when it's happening. Perhaps I should write that down!

carrieo888

I also recently closed my food diary for similar reasons. I had been logging using a different site for years, but since they didn't have an app that I could use on my phone, I opted to move to MFP. The other site was not in any way a social one. No blogging, no forums, just you-log-it-and-we-create-progress-reports. I succeeded in losing 25 lbs in a year (my goal), but still had 20 to go. When I joined MFP, I was fascinated by the social aspect of it and started accepting friend requests. I was already used to logging everything, and being honest, and noting when I didn't eat what I should of. But when other people started being critical of my choices, I quit logging so faithfully - and gained 10 lbs in a year.

MFP really is superior in regards to food searches (otherwise I'd have moved to yet a different site), so I opted to stick with it but "unfriended" everyone and no longer accept FRs. Now I'm back to logging as I should, without having to worry about other people judging me. Yeah, I know that works for some people, but it just doesn't work for me.

So, use this tool however it works best for you. Good luck!

minimalistmom

I read it. I wish I had more to offer by way of support, but I think you're doing the right thing. The first step to tackling a problem is to understand it, and it sounds like you are learning about your diet and yourself. Keep at it and good luck!

This guy said it best.

You have to do what works best for you. If keeping it closed is what is working for you, keep it that way. There is no sense opening it if you are going to feel overwhelmed like you are going to fail.

Keep moving forward. You will get there. Good luck!

I like his definition of an optimist: Optimist: someone who figures taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha

MysteriousMerlin

I read it, and understand it completely. However, it's the very reason I keep mine open. It's public, actually (so my endocrinologist can view it)

No one else cares what I put in my pie hole. The only person it's going to affect is me, so whether I have my diary open or closed, whether I log something or don't, it's still going to show up on ME. I can't hide anything from my body.

That said, do what you feel comfortable with. If you're sticking closer to your macros with having it closed, then keep it closed. If you're wanting accountability from people who view your diary, then do so. Just don't let anyone else tell you what you should or shouldn't do. There's not one person here who is following the exact same plan as anyone else. We gotta do what works for us, and us alone!

GRUNO

Thank you all for the replies! Support is encouraging- both giving and receiving it. I'm writing down how I feel in the "note" section of my diary- I haven't yet discerned what exactly the triggers are- sometimes it's not eating properly earlier in the day; other times it seems to be just mindlessness, and yet others there seems to be no real reason other than seemingly uncontrollable desire.

I think the most important thing for me is being honest with myself. I haven't figured it all out yet, and I really am so fearful of falling back to that place of absolutely no control- *knowing* I shouldn't but feeling so unable to help myself. I can't actually explain what's in my head when it's happening. Perhaps I should write that down!

It takes a while to really get in touch with why you feel the urge to binge eat. For me it's not so much feeling bad or feeling good. My issue is more one of not wanting to really feel any emotions good or bad. So, I try to keep myself in a state of numbness. Eating to the point of excess allows me to avoid processing my feelings or really thinking about anything other than food. I know you feel like it's mindless and a compulsion solely related to food's taste or texture. I'm also sure you're starting to learn that it's often not about the food at all. It does get better and you can train yourself out of these habits. Use your fear to develop a plan for how to avoid binges and how to quickly get back on track. If you have a plan in place you won't feel so lost and hopeless when a binge happens. And they will happen. Hopefully, you can get to a place where they aren't frequent and don't last long. Good luck to you!

csontos

I keep my private for same reason. I can be 100% brutally honest with myself and nobody will judge me for it.

pancakemix16

I used to keep mine open and felt as if I had to keep certain foods out of my diary when I was emotionally eating. I now have it closed and can be honest with myself and see my habits than adjust them. You need to do whats best for you.

rustyroof

I never thought of this before I read your post, I just viewed my own diary and I know I've doctor'd it so it looks better than it should. So I've closed it off and re done today. 250cals more than I should be. I'm going to keep at this for a while and see if my weight loss if better.

alfiedn

I lied when my diary was open.

MagJam2004

Sounds like a pretty intense struggle with yourself. I have the problem in regards to my motivation and will power. I was part of a competition and the monetary reward was enough to keep me driven. Now that the competition is over, I have only my gains so far and distant goals to move me along. It is for that reason that my profile is public to anyone and most of all, the people on my FL. The struggle against myself is sometimes overwhelming as I am battling a lifetime of bad habits, much like yourself, but when the yoke is too heavy, others will come along and help me carry it. It is social media and digital motivation, but the such that provides enough illusion of support for it to be meaningful to me. I have never heard the voices of my MFP friends, or seen them do anything to help me tangibly, but knowing that there is a group of people holding me accountable and seeing their comments or critiques of my meal choices, helps me immensely. Do what works, and best of luck.

Lize11e

I'm currently fighting the same thing. It's good to know I'm not alone. Thank you for posting this.

Followingsea

Thank you all for the replies! Support is encouraging- both giving and receiving it. I'm writing down how I feel in the "note" section of my diary- I haven't yet discerned what exactly the triggers are- sometimes it's not eating properly earlier in the day; other times it seems to be just mindlessness, and yet others there seems to be no real reason other than seemingly uncontrollable desire.

You might want to look into the theory of 'ego depletion' - there has been research indicating that willpower is an exhaustible resource, and that there are several factors (mood is one of them) that run down the amount you have to trade on at any moment. You might find it enlightening.

The New York Times had an interesting article about it here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?pagewanted=all

SezxyStef

I find this interesting...

Not to diminish the struggle but why lie about what you eat??? esp to strangers who have no care really on if you eat in a deficet or not????

Family and friends can see if you are in a deficet and most can't see your diary.

I have mine open, it will remain open to all...

katorihanzo

I've always thought that being honest is the most important part of weight loss. Without it, sometimes people don't even realize they need to lose weight or how much. I struggled with being honest until I realized I was only hurting my own efforts. And now when I see people posting topics about how they're eating 1200 calories and still not losing, the first thing I assume is that they aren't being honest with their intake or their output.

I never closed my diary because I know myself and I know I'd be more likely to go over. My open diary motivates me to eat well but I can definitely understand how easy it would be to change little things so your log looked good. I still go over sometimes but I just log it and own it and eat well the next day.

I think that if an open diary motivates you to eat well, then it's healthy. But if it motivates you to be dishonest then it's not very useful. Good for you for realizing this!

GRUNO

I find this interesting...

Not to diminish the struggle but why lie about what you eat??? esp to strangers who have no care really on if you eat in a deficet or not????

Family and friends can see if you are in a deficet and most can't see your diary.

I have mine open, it will remain open to all...

For a lot of binge eaters, you hide the fact that you binge from others. You eat in secret or replace the new bag of chips you just ate with another new bag before anyone notices you ate the whole thing. It's just one of the features of binge eating. It's also a method of avoidance. You don't want to face it yourself and you sure as hell don't want anyone else to know how out of control you are.

carrieo888

I find this interesting...

Not to diminish the struggle but why lie about what you eat??? esp to strangers who have no care really on if you eat in a deficet or not????

Family and friends can see if you are in a deficet and most can't see your diary.

I have mine open, it will remain open to all...

For me it was those strangers who were most critical. I decided that since I didn't really know these people - and they didn't know me - I didn't really need their "advice." So, it's closed. It's for my use only anyway, so doesn't need to be open.

Again, I know that for some people, having it open is the motivator. But clearly, for some of us, it is not helpful.

FoxyLifter

I find this interesting...

Not to diminish the struggle but why lie about what you eat??? esp to strangers who have no care really on if you eat in a deficet or not????

Family and friends can see if you are in a deficet and most can't see your diary.

I have mine open, it will remain open to all...

:flowerforyou: Thank you for posting this. I had a couple bad days last week and this week. I was going to skip completing Monday and Tuesday, but I just added the last minute snacks. I need to be honest with myself and it's only going to get worse if I can hide it.

GothyFaery

Not being honest in your diary, whether it's open or closed, is like cheating in solitare. You're only cheating yourself. Strangers on the internet might look at your diary and think "good job for sticking to it" but if it's not the truth, you're the one slowing your progress down. I have a hard time understanding why people feel the need to lie about what they ate. It was your choice to lose weight. Everyone stumbles but those stumbles help us understand what needs to change if we want to succeed.

SezxyStef

I find this interesting...

Not to diminish the struggle but why lie about what you eat??? esp to strangers who have no care really on if you eat in a deficet or not????

Family and friends can see if you are in a deficet and most can't see your diary.

I have mine open, it will remain open to all...

For me it was those strangers who were most critical. I decided that since I didn't really know these people - and they didn't know me - I didn't really need their "advice." So, it's closed. It's for my use only anyway, so doesn't need to be open.

Again, I know that for some people, having it open is the motivator. But clearly, for some of us, it is not helpful.

Yes "we" can be...I know I've looked at diaries and been accused of just that...I am not trying to be critical just pointing out areas of improvement...just like I hope others will do for me if I ever need it. I would not do it unless they asked on the forums tho...

FoxyLifter

Not being honest in your diary, whether it's open or closed, is like cheating in solitare. You're only cheating yourself. Strangers on the internet might look at your diary and think "good job for sticking to it" but if it's not the truth, you're the one slowing your progress down. I have a hard time understanding why people feel the need to lie about what they ate. It was your choice to lose weight. Everyone stumbles but those stumbles help us understand what needs to change if we want to succeed.

"Why would I lie?" That's a good question to ponder. I hate seeing that red number.I hate seeing the "If you eat like this for 5 weeks, you'll weigh XXXlbs. I hate letting my friends down. Not everyone on my friends list is a stranger. I talk and workout with quite a few people. I want to set a good example. All of my friends have been nothing but supportive, so my struggle is strictly internal. I guess going through this, I can more easily relate to the friend who comes to me for advice on how to get back on track. But all of that doesn't matter. I can't complain if I know what I'm doing wrong. It's just hard to admit that, for this day, you failed.

kelli_panzera

We're all human, and nobody's going to beat you up harder than you beat up yourself. This is supposed to be a site where people are supportive and genuinely care. I've noticed more this time around how snarky some people can be, but no one has to live my life but me. If I want to eat ice cream all day I will...then I'll log it in my food diary and if you don't like it, don't look : )

PhearlessPhreaks

I find this interesting...

Not to diminish the struggle but why lie about what you eat??? esp to strangers who have no care really on if you eat in a deficet or not????

Family and friends can see if you are in a deficet and most can't see your diary.

I have mine open, it will remain open to all...

I can appreciate your point. I wish I didn't give a rats behind, but to answer your question...

Pride. Vanity. Embarrassment. The appearance of being a hypocrite (do as I say, not as I do) when giving advice to others in trying to help. I know what I *should* do in theory, but the practical application is where I sometimes trip up. And it can be bad. Also, what others have already said- you want to hide it; you don't want to others to know what you're struggling with; that red number is a big 'you Fed up today'; you sometimes don't even want to admit to yourself how bad it can be.

And I will admit (since I'm being ultra honest and all) that I've looked at others' diaries and my thoughts have often been critical. Do I say anything? No, becuase I wasn't asked and its not my place to go around telling others what they're doing right or wrong... but I've been a critical biznich all the same... so there's that aspect of it too. If I've done it to others, how can I not expect it to have happened to me. I happen to be sensitive and give a crap what people think. I don't like it, but that's how I am.

But like another poster said- it's like cheating in solitare, the only person who gets hurt is you. And I get that... which is why, for the time being, my diary is for me and me alone- to scrutinize, to judge, to condemn, to applaud.

CJ_Holmes

I definitely understand this. When I first started MFP, I didn't log on the weekend. I loved seeing all my lovely weekdays with perfect numbers. Then I had to get real and realize that my weekends were undoing my progress every time. I also would stop logging when I went through spells of overeating. It was a huge step to decide to log everything, no matter how I felt about it.

For those of us with emotional issues tied to food, or who are people-pleasers in general, it can be a huge challenge to allow anyone to see the whole picture. We crave that "great job" even if it is based on fals information. I would guess many of us have this issue in other areas of our lives as well. Great fodder for therapy!

I really admire OP for posting about this so candidly, and working through this process. If a closed diary is the best way to keep yourself honest, then do it! This whole site is a tool to be used the way it works best for you. MFP pals can support eachother without critiquing food choices. I already *know* what I need to change about my food habits, and the most important thing for me is just to know my pals are there and expecting me to show up!

I do love looking through food diaries for ideas, but I totally respect your choice to close it. You do you!

PhearlessPhreaks

Thank you all for the replies! Support is encouraging- both giving and receiving it. I'm writing down how I feel in the "note" section of my diary- I haven't yet discerned what exactly the triggers are- sometimes it's not eating properly earlier in the day; other times it seems to be just mindlessness, and yet others there seems to be no real reason other than seemingly uncontrollable desire.

You might want to look into the theory of 'ego depletion' - there has been research indicating that willpower is an exhaustible resource, and that there are several factors (mood is one of them) that run down the amount you have to trade on at any moment. You might find it enlightening.

The New York Times had an interesting article about it here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?pagewanted=all

Thank you! Sounds interesting, will definitely read.

PhearlessPhreaks

and you sure as hell don't want anyone else to know how out of control you are.

This, a thousand times. Especially when you tend to be a control freak. The rest of my life is in order... but this. This thing is so incredibly difficult to master and control.

Rose6300

I have an open diary and log every morsel. But I don't eat for emotional reasons, and if I did, and felt like I'd be criticized, I would certainly close it. What I see very often is people asking "why aren't I losing weight on 1200 calories a day?" and then being asked to open their diaries. And once they do, people comment on what the problems likely are, such as "you're not completing your logging" or "you must not be weighing your food." The problem is not everyone commenting is nice about it. A lot of people who have been successful will make snarky or insulting comments, and I'm not sure why. Maybe they're sick of people under-reporting their calorie intake, but why don't they just not comment? People who are having trouble, for whatever reason, don't need to be insulted and these self-proclaimed experts may be technically right but their delivery is awful. They probably have their own unresolved issues that make them behave that way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your diary should be a tool that helps you, and you should do whatever you need to do to to use it to your own benefit. Best of luck. :flowerforyou: