Depression and coming undone

Scarscub

First, let me apologize for the self-pitying nature of this post, but I would appreciate some advice, or even a word of encouragement.

I have had depression (dysthymia) since I was fourteen. I have been overweight since age eight. I joined a gym in 2012, and as of November 2013 I managed to get down to 147lbs (I am 5'6). Since then I have begun to binge eat, and not from denying myself any pleasurable food. I eat because it brings me pleasure and spikes my dopamine. Hobbies I used to enjoy no longer bring me pleasure.

This more recent bout of depression has brought with it unending fatigue. After many blood tests it was determined that I have hypothyroidism. I take medication for it, and my doctor says that my hormone levels can no longer be the source of this fatigue. My doctor believes it is one of my numerous depression symptoms.

I have gained back at least twenty pounds. My clothes barely fit. I am on my third antidepressant and third therapist, neither of which has proved terribly helpful. My family is not a source of support. My gym attendance has dramatically suffered. I do not have anyone who understands what it is like to have a mental illness, and speaking to my friends about my depression only burdens and exasperates them. I am always tired no matter how much I sleep, which has led to a few instances of distraction when driving. I am not, and have never been, suicidal, but I find no worth in myself.

Is there anything I can do inbetween appointments with my therapist and doctor to regain some control over my eating? I used to log meticulously, but I no longer bother to log my binges---I did before, but it did not change anything. I am utterly defective and disgusting because of my lack of control. I hate and love junk food as much as Gollum hates and loves the One Ring.

editorgrrl

MFP has a Hypothyroidism and Hyperthyroidism group: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/forums/show/770-hypothyroidism-and-hyperthyroidism

Eating right & exercising is an important part of self-care. Start here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

fishergal5

Read the book "The Mood Cure, Take Charge of your emotions in 24 hours...naturally" by Julia Ross. She holds a master's degree in clinical Psychology and is a leader in the field of nutritional psychology. It sounds like your body is lacking some vital foods, supplements and amino acids. I can attest that it helps me completely naturally find energy, get sleep, find motivation and feel great.

fishergal5

Also in that book, there are quick questionnaires to find out where you are mentally and what you may need for each stage. For me it was the chapter "Blasting the Blahs" that helped me the most. Good luck and read the reviews on Amazon before you dismiss this book!

meritage4

go for a walk outside most days. Really. Clinical studies have shown it helps depression.
Being outside also makes you feel good and gives you some extra vitamin D and the walking will help with weight.

I working on getting down to your weight. We are the same height.

Annie_01

I truly am sorry that I have no words that will help...I wish I did.

Many of us have had periods in our life of depression due to one thing or another. Some have fought their way out of with medication...others through just pure determination...some a combination of both.

Whether you realize it or not...you have already taken the first step of regaining your life...you have faced your problems and acknowledge them. In one sense...that might be the hardest step to take.

As far as binging...IMO...at least when I look back on my own relationship with food...we hide behind it...use it to distract...to fill a need. It wasn't until I defined what I was hiding from and what I needed was I able to get my eating under control. I had to come to terms with my fears...take down the walls that I was hiding behind...a take a step forward.

We all have to learn to love ourselves...love ourselves enough to live the lives that not only we want...but deserve.

I wish you luck...I wish you peace...

Scarscub

MFP has a Hypothyroidism and Hyperthyroidism group: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/forums/show/770-hypothyroidism-and-hyperthyroidism

Eating right & exercising is an important part of self-care. Start here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

I am part of the hypothyroidism group, but this post pertains more to my depression. And naturally I know the importance of proper eating and taking exercise. The cruel nature of depression is the struggle to actually care about oneself.

Miamiuu

Id trying taking some vitamins and see if that improves your mood at all. Good ones are l tryptophan, vitamin b complex, omega 3 fish oil

Bun_Ya

I am in the same boat as you, OP, but I don't binge on food (I harm myself in other ways).

The only thing I can think to recommend is getting out into nature if you can. It always seems to help me even if only temporarily.
Anyway, I don't have any answers for you but just so you know that you don't have to be completely alone in this - If you ever need to talk just send me a PM.

Graelwyn75

I totally relate, right down to your last sentences.
It is hard. I also have hypothyroidism, alongside depression and issues with binge eating and at times, bulimia(though I am mostly past the latter).
I have slipped into 8 week long phases of severe binge eating, where I barely left my home, only going out to buy more food. I slept and ate, and did little else. It was no way to live.

The only thing that helped, was getting back to the gym, I have to say. The lack of exercise, just compounds the situation as you have all this sugar running through your system, causing endless peaks and dips, and no means of burning that off. The tiredness is also partly, at the very least, caused by the binge eating and lack of exercise.

I suggest getting in a decent pile of healthy and nourishing foods, setting a realistic calorie goal for yourself while you try and break free of this binge eating pattern, and getting that first workout in... I have pushed myself into that gym many a time, when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed, so tired did I feel, but I still went, and came out feeling better and more alert. At the very least, get out and go for a walk, somewhere calm and peaceful if possible. Take yourself to a nice cafe and sit with a tea/coffee and a good book....just get out there and do something, because the alternative, is remaining stuck where you are and getting worse.

Make sure you are in a good routine. I have a bad habit of staying glued to the internet half the night and not getting up until midday and gone. Makes matters worse. Keep your hands and mind busy... I do cross stitch, but you could get yourself a puzzle book, or a colouring book, or take up knitting or writing.

Most of all, remember you are as worthy of happiness and life as the next person. I know believing that is hard, as I myself spend many hours a week, feeling myself to be of no worth, or use at all. But, I am working on it, and so must you.

Good luck.

mbrasure

I am sorry you are going through this tough time. My faith is what gets me up in the morning and keeps with going. Food was my god but I have found another way that is so much better. I will be praying for you.

larodriguez02

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do understand. I also suffer from depression, along with ADHD and Anxiety. It is very hard to get out of a slump like that. I've been in one for about 6 months now, its frustrating. what helps me, is being outside, I like to take walks at a park near my work that is very peaceful for me, my "happy" place. I was having a really rough time a few days ago, my PMS was really bad, so I went on pinterest and found some inspirational quotes and posted them on my wall. It really helped me. Try setting a small goal for the week. Good luck. hugs.

lilaak007

I am sorry that you are going through this. I hav suffered from post-partum depression and let me tell you, i won't wish it on my worst enemy. I have noticed that eating healthy and exercise helps. Also see if you can find some fitness buddies with whom yo can work out and get some support. Praying also has helped me tremendously.

dintentions3

too sleepy to respond properly to this so will do it tomorrow. i can totally relate to you:frown:

eso2012

I understand where you come from, totally. I know a lot about depression (not suicidal...but definitely super chronically tired) and have been on medication for many years. The way I see it, the drugs help my biochemical imbalance, and then I use workout, good support system, self tracking etc to maintain good mental health.

Depression often goes hand in hand with binge eating, OCD, etc. So remember, you are a typical case, definitely not alone.

Sorry to hear that you do not have a good support system. PLEASE find one, even just online. It is one of the most important thing you can do to not just deal with the bad periods, but to maintain in the long run.

Here's what I suggest
1. Track, track, track. Notice how your reaction to your medication. Never ever stop or change the dosage without talking to your doctor. Bear in mind it is never one size fits all, so the dr has to rely on your to adjust dosage or even the brand.

2. One thing at a time. While everything is related, you may not want to tackle binge eating, depression, fatigue...all at the same time.

3. Don't worry about going to the gym if you don't feel like it. Sometimes when depression hits, you don't even want to get out of bed, let alone making your way to the gym. I definitely feel my endorphin after I work out, and I do not limit myself to a gym. Walk, jump, whatever....just consider that little dosages to pull you out from the dark place.

4. Do not be afraid to change therapist. You need to have that "click".

So much more I can say! I think you are doing absolutely the right thing to have professional guidance.

PM me if you would like to talk more. I am all for open discussions about mental health!

sisterlilbunny

So I finally got a blood test from my doc for my fatigue, everything is fine but she suggested Vitamin D since we're in a huge bad spot for sunlight. I'd big time suggest asking if a Vitamin D vitamin would be beneficial towards your depression. That said, I swear by my citalopram. And it's taken me so many freeken years to find a drug that worked for me. AND that said, it's taken years to figure out what works for me and what is just a placebo.

The oddest that has helped? Blood pressure medication. Now my BP is perfectly fine (125/70) but when my doc put me on Propranolol my anxiety and my migraines have gone down. And the key was for my migraines. However having the help with anxiety has been HUGE. Again, it's your body so it may vary. If you'd like to talk about it please let me know. As you know everyone is different.

In the mean time, take the time to treat yourself well. Depression seriously sucks. *HUGS*

40DayFit

bump to learn and to help friends

dintentions3

ok, so i just wanted you to know i relate to EVERYTHING you say. i have struggled with depression since i was a little girl. been on antidepressants since i was 13. in the last year and a half ive REALLY taken a turn for the worse, and thats when i gained 50 lbs. i also feel that my depression has turned into something more,like maybe bipolar? bc i have extremely uncontrollable ups and downs.actually thats why i decided to joing my fitness pal...bc i know my weight plays HUGE part in how i feel. physically,but mostly mentally. ive been doing better since i started exercising every day and monitoring my calories. now some days,i still cant get myself out of the bed to exercise but most days i can. add me anytime if you want to talk. there is nothing you could say that i would judge you for. ive been through it all. i need motivation too .

dietcoke281

I'm really sorry you're going through that. It's scary to post in a public forum, but I've been through it too. Therapists, psychiatrists, antidepressants, hospitals, the works. It's horrible. But I can relate so I hope that gives you a bit of comfort.

And I know it's so hard when well-meaning people tell you that exercise and eating right will make you feel better. You know in the back of your mind it will but actually having the motivation to do it seems IMPOSSIBLE. It's hard enough getting out of bed some days let alone logging food and exercising.

My advice for right now would be to get back and find a doctor and/or a medication that agrees with you, and don't worry too much about going to the gym every day. Find an activity you like (not a hobby if you can't find any you like - I know I never could). Watching tv seems counter productive but it beats binging. Try and look for something like that if you can. If you're up to it, take a walk, I always find that quite calming.

Please add me/PM me if you like, and I hope everything gets better for you really soon xoxo

eelamme

Read the book "The Mood Cure, Take Charge of your emotions in 24 hours...naturally" by Julia Ross. She holds a master's degree in clinical Psychology and is a leader in the field of nutritional psychology. It sounds like your body is lacking some vital foods, supplements and amino acids. I can attest that it helps me completely naturally find energy, get sleep, find motivation and feel great.

Bump for later...THANK YOU

MaryElvira1959

Hi my name is Mary and I'm truly sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I can truly relate. I had depression and anxiety real bad plus Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome and on top of that Fibromyalgia. I've always been overweight all my life, but the pounds really started to add on when I began with all these symptoms. I didn't want to get out of bed, cook, clean or take a shower. But my health started to suffer to the point that I was a very ill person with lots of health issues that were not getting any better, everything was compounding due to lack of motivation because of the depression. But when they told me how serious my health was, I started to force myself to take 10 minute walks, my knees would ache and my feet would get so tired from the extra weight. As time went by I noticed that I started to feel different, more energy so I walked more until I ended up walking 4.4 miles 5 days a week. It has helped my moods and I no longer stay in bed like I use to. Plus I had my antidepressant changed several times till now I am on a new one called Savella it helps with the depression, anxiety and my Fibromyalgia. I'm back to work so now I go to the gym instead of walking outdoors due to work it's late to walk outdoors alone. I much prefer taking the walks outdoors, I feel the sunshine helps a lot. I agree with a lot of the posts such as from Grelwyn75, eso2012 and dietcoke 281, I feel they all had good advice to offer. Plus the other posts from very supportive people. I feel you are starting out on the right foot by seeing a therapist and like the other ladies posted if you don't feel a connection with your therapist look for another one, I did. Also your antidepressant might need to change. As hard as it may be you have to make the first step to getting some activity in your life. You don't want to end up where health is on the line. Start out slow and praise yourself for what you do positive each an everyday. Try to be an activist for yourself you are worth it and you deserve to smile as much as the next person. I knew no one was going to do any changes for me I had to do the work. Altogether I have lost 70 lbs. and I get a lot of feed back from my co-workers that I look so much happier and I have skip in my step. I'm here to support you

phred_52

First, I 'spose I can relate to much of what you said. Diagnosed major depression 5/05. Moderate anxiety also. Have been on meds for both, and seem to work ok for me. Guess I got lucky with meds, in that I didn't have to try others. No energy, sleeping excessively, total loss of interest in things, been there. I also have hypothyroidism, meds too, some days good, others not.

Don't know how I accomplished my recent weight loss, but I avg. maybe 15 or so big bag of chips, eaten in one setting. Though I never include in food diary.

I find it sad that family especially is not a support, though from many mental health groups I've attended that is a common comment. I can relate also about others not understanding mental health. I've had numerous comments that it's all a figment of my imagination...like whatever. I really gave up driving semi, just to get disability (not), some folk are too funny for words. The big "S", well that does apply to me. 3 ICU's, and 12 stays in mental hospital. Nice to know you haven't plummeted that far.

The overeating, it was hard at first, but when I first began I went from 160 to 199, depression and love of chips mainly, that did it. for me. I'd like to hope that part might motivate you to control binges. I actually cut out all junk/fatty foods until I hit my 160 goal again. As I'm sure you know, we all handle/think differently, but please don't think "defective and disgusting", heck, that applies to many who are not in the mental health system. Chemical imbalance, sure. I still find little to no pleasure in most things at times, but the gym is one where I literally have to force myself at times.

Don't know if this will help at all, or if I rambled toooo much, but may things get better. Self talk?

adrienneh1986

Hang in there! You're trying, and when you're depressed that's super hard. I've struggled with depression and anxiety since 10th grade. But I'm at least lucky in that I have supportive people around me, and have found the right doctor and medication. I can't imagine going through what I have without a support system and I'm so sorry that you have had to!
Recently I've found that my mood has improved with increasing my exercise significantly (which my psychiatrist has been recommending for years). But before that, the best thing I ever did for myself was get a dog! I used to be very sedentary, but having a dog forced me to get outside and walk everyday. When I'm sad or stressed, it's very calming to sit and pet him. And it's great to have that unconditional, non-judgmental love that a dog gives.
If you're looking for any MFP friends to help support you, feel free to add me. Best of luck with with everything!

zella1100

Whenever I get down I go for a walk. It can be in a park or in the neighborhood, etc. My mind goes a gazillion miles an hour sometimes so I walk to burn off the stress and thoughts. Sorry to hear you're going through so much.

Turtlesallthewaydown

I have depression and thyroid problems and just got a new doctor who wants to run all new tests because my current treatment isn't getting results. So I feel for you and I hope things get better for both of us.

jeansnpearls84

This might seem like strange and backwards advice, but maybe you need to forget about losing weight right now. Maybe you should just focus on your mental and spiritual well-being, and your physical well-being will follow. Focus on finding balance and tranquility in your life, rather than trying to lose weight....that's just adding another stressor that you don't need to deal with right now! I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through, because everyone's experience is different...but I know that I wasn't really capable of losing weight until after I was able to finally get my depression and anxiety under control. ****but the most important thing for you to know is that you're not alone, there are tons of people out there going through similar struggles, so don't ever feel like you are worthless or helpless or disgusting. You are human, you are imperfect, and that is beautiful

kuolo

Offering support and encouragement :flowerforyou: I'm sorry I can't do much more than that.

And please know that things will get better.

Are there other pleasurable things you can do than eat? Like massage, music, bath, self-pampering... It won't be the same but it might be a start.

arabianhorselover

Same for me.

I am sorry you are going through this tough time. My faith is what gets me up in the morning and keeps with going. Food was my god but I have found another way that is so much better. I will be praying for you.

arabianhorselover

I agree with this. Take some pressure off yourself.

This might seem like strange and backwards advice, but maybe you need to forget about losing weight right now. Maybe you should just focus on your mental and spiritual well-being, and your physical well-being will follow. Focus on finding balance and tranquility in your life, rather than trying to lose weight....that's just adding another stressor that you don't need to deal with right now! I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through, because everyone's experience is different...but I know that I wasn't really capable of losing weight until after I was able to finally get my depression and anxiety under control. ****but the most important thing for you to know is that you're not alone, there are tons of people out there going through similar struggles, so don't ever feel like you are worthless or helpless or disgusting. You are human, you are imperfect, and that is beautiful

SeattleJill

I can relate. Same two diagnosis. I can only tell you what works for me. Besides the cognitive therapy which helped me to recognize my triggers and early onset warning signs, I have worked to log everything I eat, and not apologize if I go over. Logging it as I eat it when I am in a depressive state helps me to be more cogniscent (sp?) of my actions and this tends to help a bit with the binging. Oddly enough, now I can recognize a pattern in the junk food I eat and the oncoming of a depressive episode. So it helps me with that too. What helps to keep my symptoms in check is walking outside, especially in the sun, or any form or exercise, but walking outside helps, as well as forced interaction with people. I only learned this because I adopted the worlds cutest beagle who needs to go on long walks twice a day and interacts with every person who remotely glances at her. In my depressive state I wouldn't go out for me, but i will always go out for her. The regular walking and interaction with people helped the episodes not to last as long ans the symptoms to not peak as highly (even though I fricken' hate it sometimes at my worst).

These may not work for you at all. We're all weird and freaky and different with our body chemistry. I agree with the previous posters. make weight loss your secondary goal right now. In therapy, I would try and work on the immediate needs of damage control during an episode. Start identifying signs, symptoms and triggers so you can name them and head them off at the pass when you start to recognize them. it takes time. then start experimenting with natural dopamine increasers like outdoors, exercise, animals, etc. And when you find one that works, take it seriously like you would your meds, daily, weekly, regular intervals. The hardest thing for me to do when i am in the middle of an episode is to keep to a schedule, but the routine also really helps to lesson my symptoms. Even if it's as simple as forcing myself to wake up at 7am every day and stay awake for an hour before I go back to sleep. Doing things like this, as well as taking my meds regularly has helped me to lesson the impact of my episodes and the length of them dramatically over the last several years. Side note: no two meds workt he same for no two people. it can take a few years to find the right med and dosage. Work closely with your doctors, communicate regularly with them, and keep a log of your symptoms/reactions with each one if you can manage it. It can be hard to do in a depressive state. Good luck. You are not alone in this, everyone here is rooting for you.

1daylate1dollarshort

I relate to this a bit. No thyroid issue (if I say I think there's something wrong with my eye, they test my thyroid like that's the answer to everything. Weird) but I have bipolar type II or NOS, they don't know.

I was depressed for as long as I can remember, and I didn't turn to food until I was in my early twenties. I was very small up until that point. Then I realized that pancakes are amazing so you know. I get that food can be one of the few sources of pleasure while depressed. I'm medicated right now, but I am afraid of what will happen with the diet when it hits again

Sometimes I do random stuff that makes me feel better rather than eat a load of food. Like I take a couple of minutes to wipe down a counter or something. I know that sounds dumb, but I want to feel like I accomplished something in a day. Certainly is no cure, but I feel like it's a step in the right direction. It takes less than five minutes to sweep the floor. Doesn't make me too happy, but it's something.

So I agree that it would be a good idea to find other things that you find pleasure in, that make you feel useful, even if it's only for a few moments. It's sometimes the best we can do.

I understand that it's so, so hard to get out of bed, or get in the shower, or really do anything. The hardest part for me is getting one foot on the floor. Sometimes things like that help, other times it's like it's so pointless because I won't get 100% better. Food won't do that either though. The self-loathing that comes with overeating doesn't help.

Are you in the US? I get that it's been the worst winter like, ever, but sometimes I just go sit in the sun. Look at the trees or the clouds and listen to the kids playing and laughing in the neighborhood. Look at the pretty things. Not much in the way of advice, I know. I'm so sorry you deal with this as well.