Feeling defeated as always (sorry a little bit of a rant)

amy8400

...lately I have just felt like giving up and maybe I am meant to be this big. I am getting in bad moods daily and just feel so beat and defeated. I know this change can only come from within and I need to want to change but I am wondering why I can say I wanna change and complain about my weight but yet I do nothing about it. :frown:

Holy moly, have I walked in your shoes pretty much the last 15 years of my life. I can so relate to many of the things you wrote. I have a wonderful husband of 32 years (as of today ) and he patiently waited and put up with my excuses, tiredness, taking care of 3 kids and him and not myself, yada, yada. Last year I woke up big time and realized life was moving on and I wasn't.

You are NOT destined to be this big unless that's what you WANT. This didn't happen overnight--this took years of lack of attention to yourself and making excuses. If you are really ready to put yourself and your health first (think of your amazing man and family, that should help) you CAN DO THIS.

Tackle one thing at a time. If it's the sweet cravings...if it's the stress...if it's the no time for me/no time for exercise--whatever it is, don't try to figure it all out at once. If you're like most of us, you have multiple things working against you. But you step up to the plate and you swing anyway, right? Don't be filled with reasons why you can't do something. Set yourself up for little successes each day: surround yourself with good food in the house...work out clothes that make you feel slimmer or fashionable...shoes that feel great to move in...promise yourself at least 1 hour each day for YOU improvement--exercise, make up/hair, reading, meditation, posting on MFP...log in every day on MFP and keep your diary for food and exercise open so you're accountable...build a base of active MFP friends who will support you every day and you do the same. And let everyone at home know you need their love and support on this journey. The more you have everyone on board, the more you'll see that this is about a new life...not just a new body.

xenu01

hey, start small, ok? Myfitnesspal sets a very low calorie count- check out mynetdiary for a comparison- and it's hard sometimes to find time when you're not working out regularly. Can you try to start small, like just track everything and try to walk a mile three times a week?

CassieR6

You know what the biggest difference between now and when you were able to consistently work out 4 days a week and stay on top of your food intake? THE FACT YOU HAD A BABY!!! Your circumstances and how you are able to spend your time has changed. I know for me being a mom of two under the age of two, it is hard when working full time and trying to keep your house in some sort of reasonable manner to work in exercise when you really just want to crash on the couch and watch the newest episode of Arrow (to watch topless salmon ladder workouts by the main character... ;-) ) and eat the entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But you have to decide what is the most important thing to you. Do you want to teach your child to hate their body and constantly be focused on the number the scale says or love their body and do the things they need to take care of it? I struggle with this daily myself and I frequently found myself complaining about my weight to the hubby and then be angry when ever he would suggest going for a walk with the dogs.

I also think that it is a HUGE adjustment when you are going from what you are used to eating to eating the calories suggested by MFP. Your stomach stretches based on how much you eat at a given time, so my logic is that if you are used to eating a Big Mac, large Fries, and 32 oz drink (which is probably double what MFP is suggesting for you to eat) it is going to take some time to adjust to the new way of eating and allow your stomach to catch up. So I suggest eating as close as you are comfortable with and each day aim to eat a little less. If you leave your self feeling deprived and hungry all of the time, you likely will be defeated and not want to continue.

As with anything we pursue, it's the journey that's important not the destination. Also, you didn't get this way over night so don't expect it to take over night to get back.

Thank you! I couldn't agree with you more and think you made some awesome points! I do expect it overnight but I know it wont happen that way. And Ps how did you know I like to watch Arrow.

Bounce4

Different things work to motivate different people.

For me this time I told myself a couple things. 1) I will commit to doing this for at least three months. I will do the calorie thing and I will do 20 minutes of exercise at least 5 times a week. I will not stop no matter what for 3 months and I can decide after that what I want to do. 2) I will not stop if I'm not perfect and I won't compare myself to others. Can't do that video - I'll do the best I can but I will finish it and I will do it again tomorrow. Can't do it today even though I planned to - OK - I will use one of my off days and I'll do it tomorrow. Ate 2800 calories today? OK, that was one entry. The next entry is still under my control. Everyone else exercises 90 minutes a day? Well I can manage 20 and that is better than zero so I still win.

Yesterday was 3 months and I didn't die or have a break down, lol. My new deal with myself is that I will go to the end of the year. It is one year of my life and I'll do it.

I am learning that the days go slow and the years go fast. I never get a re-do. There are a whole lot of things in my life that I wish were different and are not in my control. What I put in my mouth is not one of them.

kuolo

Why don't you start by setting your weight loss goal at 0.5lbs a week so that you don't feel deprived, see how it works out before taking it up to 1lb a week. You don't need to rush into it. You could even start by just cutting 100 calories for 2 weeks and then increase it by another 100.

Good luck

I think this is good advice. You might be setting your calorie goal too low too quickly, or just too low overall. Lots of people find 1200 doesn't work for them. You might want to try to find out the most you can eat and lose weight - even if you lose it really slowly that's better than gaining, feeling out of control or being miserable.

nicpare

I motivate myself to exercise by scheduling an activity with another person ahead of time. I'll tell my son he has to go to the gym with me that night, or I'll schedule a walk with a friend a day or two in advance. Once I know someone else has planned their day around me, I will always follow through.

CassieR6

...lately I have just felt like giving up and maybe I am meant to be this big. I am getting in bad moods daily and just feel so beat and defeated. I know this change can only come from within and I need to want to change but I am wondering why I can say I wanna change and complain about my weight but yet I do nothing about it. :frown:

Holy moly, have I walked in your shoes pretty much the last 15 years of my life. I can so relate to many of the things you wrote. I have a wonderful husband of 32 years (as of today ) and he patiently waited and put up with my excuses, tiredness, taking care of 3 kids and him and not myself, yada, yada. Last year I woke up big time and realized life was moving on and I wasn't.

You are NOT destined to be this big unless that's what you WANT. This didn't happen overnight--this took years of lack of attention to yourself and making excuses. If you are really ready to put yourself and your health first (think of your amazing man and family, that should help) you CAN DO THIS.

Tackle one thing at a time. If it's the sweet cravings...if it's the stress...if it's the no time for me/no time for exercise--whatever it is, don't try to figure it all out at once. If you're like most of us, you have multiple things working against you. But you step up to the plate and you swing anyway, right? Don't be filled with reasons why you can't do something. Set yourself up for little successes each day: surround yourself with good food in the house...work out clothes that make you feel slimmer or fashionable...shoes that feel great to move in...promise yourself at least 1 hour each day for YOU improvement--exercise, make up/hair, reading, meditation, posting on MFP...log in every day on MFP and keep your diary for food and exercise open so you're accountable...build a base of active MFP friends who will support you every day and you do the same. And let everyone at home know you need their love and support on this journey. The more you have everyone on board, the more you'll see that this is about a new life...not just a new body.

Wow very nicely put! I love what you have said and will defiantly keep all this in mind. I will for sure be putting some of this into action. :flowerforyou:

youtalkfunny

Cassie,

Like everyone else here, I'm going to take the parts of your story that sound like my story, and focus on that.

The parts that stood out to me were how your overeating was triggered by stress, such as unemployment or a bad day at work or even just feeling down about yourself.

(WARNING: I'm about to use words like "psychology" and "your Inner Child". When I try to tell this story to people in person, I can see in their eyes that they tune out immediately upon hearing these words, that they're conditioned to think that it's all feel-good nonsense that people use as a crutch in place of "hard work" and "willpower". I beg the reader to hear me out on this, and I assure the reader that hard work and willpower aren't going anywhere, they're still going to be required--not only required, but they'll be *bolstered* by this stuff.)

I'm currently reading a book called "Taming Your Outer Child" by Susan Anderson. The book's subtitle is "A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns". The cover goes on to say, "Improve your love life...Stay on a diet...End procrastination....and reach your goals." I'm about 60 pages in, but what she talks about sounds like it's right up your alley. I know it was right up mine! It's only been a few weeks, but I haven't binged ONCE since I dug into this book, and binging had been a problem for me in recent months--that's why I went to the library to get help. I was stuffing huge amounts of calories into my mouth, even to the point of asking, "WHY am I doing this? I don't even WANT this donut! Why am I feeling an irresistible compulsion to eat it any way?" Those times you describe when you're eating between meals sound like you're not PHYSICALLY hungry, that it's PSYCHOLOGICAL hunger (usually comfort food).

A quick overview of what I've read so far: You've probably heard the pop psychology phrase "your Inner Child", the whiny, emotionally needy side of your personality. The author assures us that that's real, even pinpoints the area of the brain where it resides. She also maps out in the brain where your Adult Self resides. Then she introduces to the world the middle ground in your brain where a third component of your personality resides, which she dubs your Outer Child. Think of your Outer Child as your Inner Child's protective older sibling. When Inner Child is upset, Outer Child acts out in an effort to placate Inner's feelings. "Have some ice cream/bread/chips, you'll feel better!", etc. Get it? Inner Child *feels*, Outer Child "acts out" in response, usually impulsively and inappropriately.

Again, projecting my own problems onto your story, it sounds to me like your Inner Child was upset by your circumstances (trigger), and your Outer Child acted out, because that's what she does (response).

So far, this book has helped me to recognize these three different sides of my personality (Inner, Outer, and my Adult Self); to SEPARATE them; and to help my Adult Self take control and to PARENT these children--to nurture and comfort Inner's doubts and fears, and to set boundaries on Outer's behavior, and assure him that he needn't act to protect Inner any more, that I'VE got this now.

The results have been incredible, and not just with my weight loss. I've seen radical improvements in all those areas listed on the cover. The binging has stopped, now I can see a cookie and not instantly WANT a cookie. I've got some money in the bank for the first time in my life, instead of impulsively blowing it as soon as I get it. I'm even shooting pool and playing poker better! "Self-defeating" used to be my middle name! And again, I'm only 60 pages in, I'm just getting warmed up! All I've done so far is learn to separate "feelings" from "actions", and that sounds like something from which you might benefit.

***

Finally, I should note that the next thing you'll see on this page after this wall of text is that I've lost 191 lbs so far, and I feel I should point out that no, this book didn't help me lose 191 lbs. I had lost 190 lbs before I had ever heard of this book. But I had set a goal to lose 200, and as I approached that number, binging suddenly became a problem, over 20 lbs worth. I knew there was something psychological going on the day I ate a dozen STALE cookies. They didn't taste good, they even hurt the roof of my mouth! Yet I felt compelled to shove them into my face, almost crying as I did so, wondering what was driving me to do such a thing, feeling the regret and remorse DURING the act, not after. Now I know this was my hapless Outer Child, ham-handedly trying to make my Inner Child feel better about some fear or worry.

(The book that most helped me lose the first 180? "The Body Fat Solution" by Tom Venuto! It shattered every myth that had doomed every diet/exercise effort in my life, and had led me to think that maybe I was meant to weight 380 lbs, that maybe it was genetics or something, because I knew damned sure it wasn't "lack of effort" or "willpower"--when I got kicked out of the army for being overweight, I had the highest Physical Training test scores in my platoon! Mr Venuto taught me that I was eating all the wrong kinds of foods, and was doing all the wrong kinds of exercises....but even before he got to that part, the first 100 pages or so were even more valuable, focusing on psychology and motivation, changing the very way I *think* about food, even changing what I thought was possible. I had sure never thought losing 191 lbs was possible, I literally never even daydreamed about it. And "healthy" food can be delicious, too? Who knew? I can't wait to write this guy a Thank You note when I smash that -200 lb mark!)

youtalkfunny

I go well I already screwed it up today lets keep going I will just go back to being on track tomorrow. And I do that almost daily!

Heard a great quote about this recently: "when you have a flat tire, do you immediately slash the other three tires? Of course not!"

Another line that has helped me a bunch came a football player whose coach told him, "Take the hit, but keep moving forward." The coach was talking about football, but the line sure helps me to keep those dietary stumbles from spiraling out of control.

(Yes, even us great success stories of MFP have "dietary stumbles", don't think you need to be perfect to be one of us!)

Bernadette60614

Also, a great motto: Feedback, not failure.

When I screw up, I try to think about why:

Did I wait too long to eat and then eat the first thing I could get my hands on...and those are never good choices.

Am I really tired and just eating mindlessly just to try to energize myself?

And, since your child is a little one...am I eating all the kid leftovers cause I think it is somehow "bad" to waste food?

I did an experiment one week and put all the kid snack food I would have finished off in a grocery bag. At the end of the week, I had a one lb weight bag of goldfish, cheerios, Triscuits, etc. All of which a toddler likes, none of which I should have been eating...particularly since I wasn't aware of it.

Everytime you screw up..forgive yourself and see if you can figure out why. I think forgiving ourselves and working on our issues is where success begins.

CStellaGo

You take the failures and you throw them out the damn window! I was in the same exact boat as you for the last couple of years. I cannot tell you how to change your mindset. It just happened for me- it used to frustrate the hell out of me when people would say that but when it clicks it truly does click! You have to believe in yourself before you can adjust your way of thinking. I have slip ups, I get mad at myself, and then I get over it. Yesterday is past, today is now, and tomorrow is a new day! The biggest thing I had to do was realize my calorie goal and make myself stick to it....I would binge and then I would work hard that night to burn off the excess. After a few times of hardly being able to make it back up the stairs I had to ask myself was the pizza really worth that? Most the time no, yet then again when you look back and have lost so many pounds you bet your sweet@$$ it was worth it. I'm not perfect my macros are still screwed up and I have a lot to learn but I believe I can do this and I am so proud of how far I have come so far. You will get there to! Have faith and chin up buttercup!

Bernadette60614

BTW, I don't want to jinx this...but what a great, great supportive group this has been!

Ecumft09

You know what the biggest difference between now and when you were able to consistently work out 4 days a week and stay on top of your food intake? THE FACT YOU HAD A BABY!!! Your circumstances and how you are able to spend your time has changed. I know for me being a mom of two under the age of two, it is hard when working full time and trying to keep your house in some sort of reasonable manner to work in exercise when you really just want to crash on the couch and watch the newest episode of Arrow (to watch topless salmon ladder workouts by the main character... ;-) ) and eat the entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But you have to decide what is the most important thing to you. Do you want to teach your child to hate their body and constantly be focused on the number the scale says or love their body and do the things they need to take care of it? I struggle with this daily myself and I frequently found myself complaining about my weight to the hubby and then be angry when ever he would suggest going for a walk with the dogs.

I also think that it is a HUGE adjustment when you are going from what you are used to eating to eating the calories suggested by MFP. Your stomach stretches based on how much you eat at a given time, so my logic is that if you are used to eating a Big Mac, large Fries, and 32 oz drink (which is probably double what MFP is suggesting for you to eat) it is going to take some time to adjust to the new way of eating and allow your stomach to catch up. So I suggest eating as close as you are comfortable with and each day aim to eat a little less. If you leave your self feeling deprived and hungry all of the time, you likely will be defeated and not want to continue.

As with anything we pursue, it's the journey that's important not the destination. Also, you didn't get this way over night so don't expect it to take over night to get back.

Thank you! I couldn't agree with you more and think you made some awesome points! I do expect it overnight but I know it wont happen that way. And Ps how did you know I like to watch Arrow.

Lucky guess, I suppose... The hubby has to wipe the drool from my face every now and again. ;-) I also suffer from Instant-itis and wish things would be perfect over night but alas it does not happen. We appear to be similar in age and of the same "Microwave" Generation. We are used to having everything at our fingertips instantly (I blame the internet...) not that it's a bad thing but with some things unfortunately we must be the Turtle and not the Hare. Good luck on your journey, and know you are most defiantly not alone!