First time in I don't know how long I have a complaint

banks1850

It's nothing major, just looking for a little advice.

So, I'm not one to air my dirty laundry unless I'm completely stumped (and you guys know that I'm definitely not someone at a loss for words usually )

But this little scenario has me just baffled! Yes, it's a boy/girl communication issue.
Here's the story.
My wife is a crazy gym fanatic, has been as long as I have known her. She goes every day, does some pretty hard core lifting routines, teaches body pump, and does about 1.5 hours of cardio a day (she's a she-demon at this stuff). So about 9 or 10 months ago she hurt her back, she went to the doctor who told her it was most likely a slightly bulging disk and to take a few weeks off. Which she did, and it got better, she went back, and about 4 months ago hurt it again, same spot. The doctor told her the same thing but also gave her an mri which showed what he THOUGHT was some arthritis on her lower spine (even though the symptoms don't fit), which devistated her, because it mean that she would never again be able to lift with any even moderately heavy weight, and that she would have to give up body pump permenantly. It also sucked for me cuz this basically ruined her mood every day at about the time she would normally go to the gym, which meant she was in a crappy mood, which meant she got mad at me for little crap, which meant I didn't get none (if you catch my drift), which meant I couldn't share any of the great stuff happening in my life with her because it just made her jealous and mad.
So finally she made an appointment with a very highly recommended physical therapist that basically told her, "you don't have a spinal injury, you have a pulled muscle in your hip flexor" Which has greatly increased her mood because it meant she would eventually be able to do her thing again.
BUT, it's a long road for recovery because this muscle attaches to the lower spine which means when it spasms and pulls, her legs go beserk with pain. so she has probably another 3 months of recovery.

BUT, and here's the rub. She's already stir crazy from not weight lifting for basically 5 months, and now that she has been getting the right treatment for a month, she feels great, even though I know from experience, this is probably the WORST time for her to hop back into heavy weights because reinjury is very easy at this point (usually worse then the first time). But I saw the signs already, yesterday she came home from the gym and told me she did a body pump class (just took it, not teach) but she qualified it with "but I only used 10 lb weights". She recognizes that this is probably bad, but I don't know how speak to her about this any more. I can see the future, she's gonna reinjure herself worse this time then before, I have told her that as nicely as I can but I can see the crazy gleam in her eyes.
Think I should tell her physical therapist? Or maybe her friend who owns the gym? Let them handle it? I'm at a loss here, she won't even listen to me anymore it's like she's a heroine addict and I'm preaching the virtues of abstainance or something.

Sorry for how long this is, but It's the one area that I have absolutely no clue on how to proceed.

banks1850

It's nothing major, just looking for a little advice.

So, I'm not one to air my dirty laundry unless I'm completely stumped (and you guys know that I'm definitely not someone at a loss for words usually )

But this little scenario has me just baffled! Yes, it's a boy/girl communication issue.
Here's the story.
My wife is a crazy gym fanatic, has been as long as I have known her. She goes every day, does some pretty hard core lifting routines, teaches body pump, and does about 1.5 hours of cardio a day (she's a she-demon at this stuff). So about 9 or 10 months ago she hurt her back, she went to the doctor who told her it was most likely a slightly bulging disk and to take a few weeks off. Which she did, and it got better, she went back, and about 4 months ago hurt it again, same spot. The doctor told her the same thing but also gave her an mri which showed what he THOUGHT was some arthritis on her lower spine (even though the symptoms don't fit), which devistated her, because it mean that she would never again be able to lift with any even moderately heavy weight, and that she would have to give up body pump permenantly. It also sucked for me cuz this basically ruined her mood every day at about the time she would normally go to the gym, which meant she was in a crappy mood, which meant she got mad at me for little crap, which meant I didn't get none (if you catch my drift), which meant I couldn't share any of the great stuff happening in my life with her because it just made her jealous and mad.
So finally she made an appointment with a very highly recommended physical therapist that basically told her, "you don't have a spinal injury, you have a pulled muscle in your hip flexor" Which has greatly increased her mood because it meant she would eventually be able to do her thing again.
BUT, it's a long road for recovery because this muscle attaches to the lower spine which means when it spasms and pulls, her legs go beserk with pain. so she has probably another 3 months of recovery.

BUT, and here's the rub. She's already stir crazy from not weight lifting for basically 5 months, and now that she has been getting the right treatment for a month, she feels great, even though I know from experience, this is probably the WORST time for her to hop back into heavy weights because reinjury is very easy at this point (usually worse then the first time). But I saw the signs already, yesterday she came home from the gym and told me she did a body pump class (just took it, not teach) but she qualified it with "but I only used 10 lb weights". She recognizes that this is probably bad, but I don't know how speak to her about this any more. I can see the future, she's gonna reinjure herself worse this time then before, I have told her that as nicely as I can but I can see the crazy gleam in her eyes.
Think I should tell her physical therapist? Or maybe her friend who owns the gym? Let them handle it? I'm at a loss here, she won't even listen to me anymore it's like she's a heroine addict and I'm preaching the virtues of abstainance or something.

Sorry for how long this is, but It's the one area that I have absolutely no clue on how to proceed.

icandoit

I am sorry banks. I asked my husband about lifting with a back injury. He said to hold off until she gets the ok. When she goes back to lifting, she needs to restart like a beginner. Water aerobics would be good too.

Maybe you should tell her how you feel. She is hurting and you don't need too be as well. Marriage is a team of support through the highs and the lows. I would just ask her if she would take it easy. If she recovers the proper way, then she will be doing the classes and lifting again. If not, you will be giving the classes and she will be in a bad mood for the rest of her life.
Talking to her PT may be a bad idea. Adding fuel to the fire. They will notice change in her.
Take a deep breath and tell her what is on your mind. She may be mad, but a least you show you care.
Good luck to you Banks.
You vent anytime. We are all here for you:flowerforyou:

laurenk182004

I think telling her physical therapist is a good idea. Maybe he or she can explain again to her the severity of the damage that she could do to herself if she doesn't give her back the proper time to heal. You might mention that you'd rather your name be left out of it and have the therapist just act as though they can tell by her movement or something. I think it's really great that you are so concerned and care so much about her happiness. It's nice to see. How much longer is she supposed to refrain from her workouts?

MontanaGirl

Yipes Banks. That's a tough one!! I would maybe have a discreet conversation with her PT - let him know she doesn't know your are talking to him (or her) Maybe the PT can give her a general warning like - Now, remember, don't start xxx yet. You may feel a lot better, but you are not completely healed yet and I don't want you to re-injure yourself and be back here for longer, etc., etc.

Trying to help her and keep you out of trouble too!! Good luck with that one . . . :ohwell:

Shannon023

My .02.

Even though she'll probably get pi$$ed at you for interfering with her work outs she's gonna be even more upset if she re-injures her back & has to take even more time off.

I say take your lumps now (by telling her therapist) knowing that in the long run you'll both be better off if she stays off injured-reserve.

Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Cassia

your poor wife!!! I think i would go crazy if that happened to me too but goodness she works out like what 3x a day? :noway: i think I'm doing good to by doing it 1x everyday! Thats really to bad but for the advice if she is anything like me she is probably glad that you are concerned about her. If i were you i would try to sit down when all is good and talk to her openly and tell her that you are worried about her health but, make sure she doesn't think that your worried about the doctor bills!!
like the other ladies i think that you could put a bug in the PT's ear w/o her knowing but it really is her choice in the end so she may ignore it:ohwell:

Mireille

Wow, that's a difficult situation cuz no matter what you do, she is gonna be pissed off.
Personally, I think would talk to her physical therapist and maybe he/she can explain to her again (what you've already told her as well) why she needs to take it easy. Sometimes it is easier to hear it from someone else.
It's sucks either way but your are a good husband because you are doing this for her well being and because you love her. Keep trying and hopefully she will get it before she gets hurt again.
Good luck! :flowerforyou:

pmkelly409

Banks,

remember Men are from Mars and.....

Men tend to want to "fix" our problems, it is inherent in your make-up. We just want to share our feeling without you wanting to fix them. Sooooo, think feminine! Tell her you are concerned, tell her your reasons why you are concerned - but don't offer advice or try and fix her problem!

VERY Careful conversation could lead you to the root of her obsession/addiction. Why does she NEED all of this intense exercise? What is she substituting? What is missing for her? This is a VERY PERSONAL comment so take it as rhetorical and just something to think about - you never mention children. Could this be the catalyst?

I would also suggest that you have this conversation on neutral territory. Is there someplace that the two of you like to go that is peaceful or serene - park, the river, "HA-VAD YAD" - someplace that is sentimental....

Also, I agree that you shouldn't talk to her PT but it does sound like you have a good enough personal relationship with the owner of the gym that that is a possibility. The owner should at least know if you have this conversation with your wife so that she is prepared to be the sounding board afterwards.

Hope this helps!

chriss1tt

Hey Banks. Sorry for your situation.. I don't know if this will help but 30 plus years ago I had the "I can do whatever a man can do attitude". The job I had was very physical. Now being a girl, a short one at that,(I'm 4'11") I had to prove I could keep up with the big boys. 20 years ago I was diagnosed with deginitive disc disease. 2 bulging dics in my c spine. 5 years ago it had also moved to 2 dics in my t-spine. Last week I had another mri for the c-spine, another bad disc:grumble: . Tomorrow I get another mri on the t-spine. Not looking forward to the results:frown: . Can't do a lot as far as heavy lifting anymore. If I do I pay for it for weeks. (just finished moving and I am paying for it) I now have a desk job which I hate cause I love to be moving at work . Hopefully your wife will realize (sooner than later) she may have to switch up her activities. Like I said, don't know if this will help, but after 30 years of abusing, not taking advice or following docs orders, I am paying for it now. The hardest part for me is knowing I cannot pick up my 3 year old neice for long. If we go to an amusement park and she gets tired, I cannot carry her all because of my attitude back then. I hope you can get thru to her or her doc can. Have a great day and I am thinkin about ya.:flowerforyou:

yoginimary

I would ask her if she told her PT about the body pump class she attended and ask what the PT said about that. If she says "no", ask her why not? Would she want someone in her class not mention an injury? People need to make their own mistakes, all you can do is ask them why. If you can get your spouse to listen to you on a subject she feels passionate about, let me know how you did it!

Also during this time, I would ask for her help with your own workout. She's probably feeling useless right now, and needs to feel needed. Imagine if you broke all your fingers and weren't able to do computer work. It's deflating. You mentioned the changes you are making. Tell her you need a motivational coach or something.

I'm a "fixer" (so I guess I'm from mars, even though I'm female), so I could be totally off base here.

Good luck.

KrisKabob

Coming from someone who sounds as independent and stubbord as your wife I would say that you should probably let her friend at the gym and her physical therapist know... since they are her "life lines" to the gym maybe she will see the light once they say something to her.

Or I would just get mad and come right out and say it to her!!! It's a little risky and may cause a fight but if she is putting herself into harms way then you have every right as her husband to do all necessary to stop her. Sometime my husband tries to gently let me know things... then he'll try again when I won't listen... then maybe once more... but eventually he just comes right out and is like "Kristi, wake up and smell the coffee!" Ya, know?

Either way you decide I know she'll eventually just realize that you are only trying to prevent her from further injury because you love her and care about her wellbeing. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

banks1850

Thanks for the support guys. You guys definitely gave me some things to think about. I'll let you know what I decide to do.

-Banks

ali106

aw banks!!! big hugs buddy this is a tough situation.... I have a hubby who I have to sort of walk on eggshells w/ at times to keep things in harmony so I can sort of understand where you are coming from....especially since this is sooo important to her and sooo important for her to be careful about it.

I think you got some really solid advice....I'm torn myself between telling her and telling her friends....that's sooo tough, in some ways it would be good because us chicks now how to get to each other better...its the whole venus thing! lol....but then if she found she may either be like...wow he really did care enough and worry enough to tell my friends...awww ....OR WOW HE TOLD MY FRIENDS IS HE INSANE!!!!!:explode: so its 50-50 there pal.....sigh I think you'd be better off trying to talk w/ her...but the right way, like maybe like you told us, how proud you are of how dedicated she is, she's so happy and it means the world to her, and you would die if it was taken away from her by too much too soon....you just love her too much to see that happen....that may get more of an awwwww

sorry not much help! but rooting for you my friend!:drinker:
hugs!
Ali

foxfire9372

You know your wife best. If you think that telling her PT/gym owner will result in a long term visit to the "dog house", don't. Odds are, she knows she can/will reinjure herself, has been told how to rehabilitate her injury and has made a choice. Support her, love her and I agree that there are deeper psychologicl issues at hand. You seem pretty together, but a woman on a mission is not fun. I let a sciatic nerve issue go forever. As in I couldn't get on the back of a horse without being in tears and was taking enough otc pain meds that I could have qualified as an addict. My GP told me to stop riding and I gave him the "you got to be crazy" look. We worked on the problem, but I had to come to terms with my limitations then and now at my own time frame. My husband will tell you, this too shall pass. At least she loves you enough to use you as the punching bag!!!

abbychelle07

You know your wife best. If you think that telling her PT/gym owner will result in a long term visit to the "dog house", don't. Odds are, she knows she can/will reinjure herself, has been told how to rehabilitate her injury and has made a choice. Support her, love her and I agree that there are deeper psychologicl issues at hand. You seem pretty together, but a woman on a mission is not fun. I let a sciatic nerve issue go forever. As in I couldn't get on the back of a horse without being in tears and was taking enough otc pain meds that I could have qualified as an addict. My GP told me to stop riding and I gave him the "you got to be crazy" look. We worked on the problem, but I had to come to terms with my limitations then and now at my own time frame. My husband will tell you, this too shall pass. At least she loves you enough to use you as the punching bag!!!

I completely agree. Also, I think if you talk to her, she will seem mad, but later on will think, "Wow, he really loves me and cares." She won't SAY that, because women like to remain a mystery, but she will be thinking it!

Good luck, and I hope she doesn't injure herself.

lotusfromthemud

OOOOOh, boy. . .this is a tough one. I think that talking to your wife is always better than ratting her out to anyone. Now, she may not want to listen to you. . .but I think if you approach it from the "if you injure it worse, it will only prolong the time off" angle, you may have some success. Also, the whole "addict" angle seems pretty dead on to me. This means you have to also address what going to the gym helps with. EEK! For example, for me, I go to the gym because I don't eat to solve my problems anymore. I'm no longer addicted to the food (or I am. . .I'm just not acting on it) but I'm addicted to the gym.

Is there any physical activity she can do? Is her fear of looking squishy, and having that effect her position as a trainer? Is she afraid that all of her hard work will disappear? Big questions, but I think that she/you should maybe talk them through.

I'm also a "fixer" (damn those traditional gender roles . . .I don't know if they're "one size fits all") but I think you really just need to let her talk it out.

My heart goes out to her. I had a small injury a few months back and had to take a week off. I felt like a caged animal. When you're used to expending energy and then you can't. . .well. . .where does it go?

:flowerforyou:

banks1850

I won't go into her issues out of respect for her privacy, but I know pretty much all her issues, and suffice to say, the gym is more then just exercise for her. I have talked to her about this already, and so far she hasn't bitten my head off, but I know her well enough to know when to shut up, and with this topic, it's been about 1/2 way to getting her to admit that she needs to cool it.

As I'm sure most of you ladies know, she doesn't really take advice well from me unless it's in regards to running, rollerblading, or computers (she's as stubborn and smart as I am, it can be like watching two rams fight over a mate sometimes, so I'm told. )

It's just frustrating, I know what I need to do really, I just don't wanna do it...lesser of two evils and all. I will talk to her, and try to get her to tell her physical therapist what she has been and is planning on doing. It's gonna be ugly. So If you guys never hear from me again, it's cuz she did the black widow thing and killed me.

pmkelly409

It's just frustrating, I know what I need to do really, I just don't wanna do it...lesser of two evils and all. I will talk to her, and try to get her to tell her physical therapist what she has been and is planning on doing. It's gonna be ugly. So If you guys never hear from me again, it's cuz she did the black widow thing and killed me.

It was nice knowing you! :laugh:

Just kidding!! Good Luck!!

amandagreen1980

Hey banks!
Lots of good advice here. When giving advice i try to put myself in that situation. I am pretty stubborn too, and i know my husband knows how to handle me most of the time!
He gets me all relaxed and in a great mood (maybe sharing a bath together! TMI? :laugh: ) and then carefully broaches the subject and the hairs on the back of my neck stiffen and i get all mad BUT he has me calm enough (and trapped enough) to at least listen to what he is saying, and i get all mad and stomp about but it DOES sink in, and most of the time I realise he is only saying what i already know and that he cares about me enough to put himself in the firing line to stop me doing something crazy!

Soooooo.... I think you should let her know how you feel, and maybe like someone else says, broach the subject by asking her if she has told her PT what exercise she is doing etc and if she hasn't it wll make her think why? because she knows it is too soon.

Also why not take her swimming or some other form of gentle exercise and show her your support that way.

Good luck :flowerforyou:
Amanda

neverbeenskinny

Hey Banks...you always have such great advice for us. You're the one we all turn to and now the table is turned...it's a little weird. But here's my 2 cents worth...

I understand your wife being a gym rat and being more than a fanatic about weights. Remember, I went as far as competing in it I was so obssessed. It's a hard habit to break once you're hooked. I was in a car accident years ago and the disks were blown out of my spine, I had a choice of surgery or surgery and I picked neither. I figured if I started building the muscles in my back to support my spine I may not have to have surgery...30 years later, I still haven't had surgery. I became so in love with lifting weights and gaining strength that it was like a drug. I would outlift most of the guys in the gym and love the euphoria from it.

Then one day, it was a car accident again that ended it. I had to have rotator cuff surgery and could no longer lift heavy weights, it was defastating. I was suppose to stay off the weights for at least 8 months because the rotator tear was deep, then slowly lift some light weights. Of course, like your wife, I just wanted to get back to where I was, I had just broken a world record 2 months prior to the car accident, and was at the strongest point of my lifting career when it all came crashing down.

I have to admit, I did the same thing as your wife, I went back and over did it. I wanted to lift and did not want to admit that I was no longer able to do what I did. In my heart, I knew that what I did was wrong, but the brain doesn't process in the same manner. No one wants to admit injury or age. After a short while I finally had to admit to myself that I wasn't capable of it anymore. Eventually I found other passions.

Talk to your wife gently, don't rat out on her as it will cause more problems than you want to have. Tell her that you understand her situation. Give her a hug and tell her that you want to be supportive. Then try to figure out new things to do. (I am now a total outdoor girl and love hiking and snow shoeing). You just have to figure new things to do and concentrate on. It will be hard and she will fight you the whole way, but if you do it with her, it will make the transition a lot easier. The other thing that I started to do when I finally had to admit that I wouldn't lift heavy anymore was I started coaching the younger crowd and Special Olympics...I figure I would pass on my sport, it became a very positive experience for me, especially Special Olympics, and now I have no desire to lift myself, but I am still involved in the sport.

Keep us posted as to how it's going. You care so deeply for us, and we care just as deeply for you.

kjllose

Poor Banks, I feel for you, your inbetween a rock and a hard place. I'm probably not as enthusiastic as your wife about the gym, but I did love my cardio and walking and I was even starting to strength train when I did my back in back in November of 07. It all came to a complete stop too and it drove me nuts and it still does. 6 months later and I'm still at the PT and we are working on it. So from a female point of view if my hubby talked to my PT person without telling me, I would seriously take issue with it. That would mean he thought I was lying to them. I just don't like people going around behind other peoples backs(no pun intended). But someone said in this post that she would have to start from the beginning and I know from experience that is true and tough to do, and even when you get going you hurt, so she's not apt to be in a good mood because of that too. I know you don't want to see her get hurt more so I would butt heads with her a little more but don't go behind her back. Good luck to you and even more luck that her back heals well. Thinking of you~Karen

TamTastic

Hey Banks!

I don't really have much to add because most of these people have covered what I was going to say.

Anyway, all I can do is wish you luck with this. I know how hard it is. You care about her and want her to be safe but you know that her frame of mind won't see things they way you see them in regards to working out. And there is nothing worse than being told you CAN'T do something. It just makes you crazy with wanting to do it that much more!

Maybe just be honest but gentle. Tell her how worried you are that she might injure herself even worse and then where would she be...remind her how important is it is to take care of her body and slowly gain the strength again. Also, tell her you have the confidence that she has the strength to get through this and that you will be there to support her whenever she needs it. That is a huge thing. Just be supportive without condescending.

I feel for you! Good luck getting through this!

Tami

icandoit

Banks...does your wife still check in here. I remember one time you did a post and she replyed. :bigsmile:

MargieM

Banks,
You really have gotten some great advice and thoughts on this. You posted earlier about getting as much info as you can to make an educated decision, so I'll throw in my thoughts as well.

I would not go behind her back to her PT or gym friend. As a wife (and woman) I would see that as complete disrespect for my feelings and for me as a person. Your wife may feel differently, but that is how I would react, if I found out. Talk to her, tell her how afraid you are that she will do permanent damage. It's because you want her to be happy and healthy, and to be the best person she can be. Not for you, but for her. As her husband, all you want is the best for her, and therefore, the best for you two as a couple. She has to make the decision for herself as to how she treats her body and her health, you can't do that for her. But you can let her know that she has your full support and love and caring, and everything else. But, after you let her know how you feel and what your fears are for her, then give her some time and space. Don't bring it up again for several days, unless she wants to talk about it. Encourage her to talk to her PT and ask if there are other exercises she can do to maintain strength. They can even give her picture cards of certain positions so you can get back to "gettin' some" without making an injury worse. (I worked in PT for awhile, so I know these exist!:laugh: )

Anyway, any time that you have to have these discussions with a spouse, it can be daunting and scary. Just be open and honest, and don't be accusing. You seem to have a big heart and I'm sure she knows it. Give her a big hug and a sloppy kiss and tell her how much you love her. Usually works in my household!

Good luck! Thoughts and prayers for courage and healing coming your way for both you and your honey!
- Margie

banks1850

Banks...does your wife still check in here. I remember one time you did a post and she replyed. :bigsmile:

nah not really.

frenchfoodlover

Banks... this is tough for you because as a woman I can tell you when we are upset, your going to be staring down the barrel of a gun no matter what you do!!! :explode:

First step - this was a huge part of her life - both time wise and clearly where she felt value. To lose this is devastating. It is important to recognize that.

2nd step - get her an activity that she can go hard at and can do. For many back injuries the pool is the best place to be - helps stretch out the back and there is no weight bearing. Perhaps if she was given a "goal" or "requirement" of X number of lengths, etc, would give her something to focus on and help tap into that drive she has.

3rd step - If all else fails, try to find someone you know who has made the mistake of a back injury and let her see the reality of where this will lead her.

Good luck.... to both of you.

Nich0le

having had back issues and trying all different types of routines I get the stir crazy part, and I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but my husband has this great way of giving me a giant hug and looking me straight in the eye and telling me to get better before I make the injury permanent. She might like to know that you are totally understanding and supportive during this time and then ask the physical therapist and the owner of the gym to recommend some alternative exercises that will make her feel like she is still getting that high intensity workout she is used too!

banks1850

Thanks again guys, I really appreciate all the great advice. We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!

icandoit

GOOD LUCK:flowerforyou: :drinker: :drinker:

maybeoneday

itll be allright