Not getting the attention you want from your SO?
YourGirl32
Posts: 16 Member
in Chit-Chat
I've been a longtime member of MFP (created a new account recently) and have worked very hard to reach my goals. My SO knows I do food logging and have lost a decent amount of weight. He is supportive of it enough to ask me if I have room in my calorie budget for a treat before he gets us one etc, but I don't get the kind of attention I want from him. He seems disinterested if I mention that I got a little closer to my goal weight or mention something else about my progress. I could see him react that way if this was something I constantly talk about but that's not the case. I just wish he had a bit of interest in it or could at least fake some enthusiasm for a minute, I want him to be proud of me the way I'm proud of myself. What's even worse is the fact that more than anything else, I wish he'd make comments about my body orngive me some kind of compliment! Even a simple "You're looking really hot" would be nice. Looking good for him is one of my motivators and it gets to me when I get a new cute outfit that I think he will just love and he says nothing about it...clearly not the reaction I was hoping for! I know my body has changed, but I still see so many flaws when I look in the mirror and even though I shouldn't look to someone for reasurrance that I'm looking better or am attractive, it helps and I do need that from time to time. Even if he just flirted with me more or wanted sex nore often. I am very good about complimenting him and building him up. To put it bluntly, it just makes me feel unattractive to him and that bugs me. I don't want to have to ask for a compliment from him or fish for one or it just wouldn't mean anything to me or be sincere. Sorry this post is so long, turned into a bit of a vent. Can anyone else relate? Am I asking too much?
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Replies
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Assuming this isn't a troll post...
Why are you with somebody that makes you feel unattractive or unwanted?0 -
Lol, not a troll post. I'm just looking to see if anyone else is or has gone through the same thing during their weightloss journey. I'm hoping to find out how others have handled it or if anyone can give any helpful advice. He doesn't do things to make me feel ugly or anything, but it just seems like he doesn't notice me. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being petty or pathetic for wanting compliments or more attention from him, like seeing the progress for myself should be enough. I should be happy that he's supportive to an extent and leave it at that but I can't help but want more.0
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Would you really want him to 'fake some enthusiasm'? I think sometimes when partners have been together a while its easy to slip into complacency. It could genuinely be that he assumes that you know he thinks your hot & is proud of you. Some people just aren't overly expressive verbally.
I can get the not fishing for compliments but damn it you've worked hard. Give the bloke a nudge the next time you wear something new & tell him you like how it suits you. Hopefully he'll pick up on the cue. As for the sex in between work, family, day to day life sometimes people are just genuinely too tired. These are things better discussed with your SO though. Any answers on here are just pure guesswork.0 -
Are you asking for the attention? If so in some ways that can be a turn off, I am the type that the more you push me to compliment you or notice you then the less I will do it. For me it is a turn off to be around someone who is needy for that kind of attention. Dont talk about your weight loss with him and just do it for you, mine makes no comments about my weight either and that is ok with me.0
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My question would be was he very giving of compliments before your weight loss/ healthy lifestyle change? If he never has been, maybe what you are experiencing is hoping HIS personality would change because you did physically. It definitely would be cause for a deep conversation if previously he did show a lot of interest and shower you with compliments and now all of a sudden doesn't but if not then I think you would have to review how your weight loss has changed you and your expectations, not expect him to change himself.0
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Uhm, why not just ask him...?
Communication is a two lane highway.
You've got to drive both ways.0 -
Thanks so much for your reply
I suppose I don't want fake enthusiasm lol I just want something more than "cool". I guess I may have to give him more of a nudge next time I wear something new or sexy, I just wish strutting around in front of him and flirting with him would be enough! I know I shouldn't measure my progress or attractiveness based on my SO's behavior towards me, but I can't help it! I just want to scream to him to find me sexy and give me a compliment or show me in other ways that you notice my changes and like what you see! Damn. 0 -
Personally, I would just come out and say, "It would mean a lot to me to have more of your support in my weight loss." Just tell him how you feel, but in a gentle non-accusatory way (not to say that you would be accusatory), it's just important to not put the other person on the defense or else it just turns into a battle. Best of Luck!0
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In the past when i lost weight my husband would act the same way! I had to let him know that it bothered me that he didnt notice or even act like he was aware. Since the talk ....this time when i lost weight he let me know in a BIG WAY! :blushing: Have a talk with your SO!!!0
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Have you asked him if he still finds you "sexy"? Because he may just love you enough, that it's no big deal to him how you look.
A lot of people tend to overthink things that they shouldn't even overthink and to be honest, it sounds like you may just be overthinking this one lol.
Go back and ask him, don't ask us :P We don't know what's going through his mind.
He was with you before the weightloss, very likely he loves you for who you are no matter the shape you are, hun.
Just go talk to your man :flowerforyou:
Best of luck!0 -
Personally, I would just come out and say, "It would mean a lot to me to have more of your support in my weight loss." Just tell him how you feel, but in a gentle non-accusatory way (not to say that you would be accusatory), it's just important to not put the other person on the defense or else it just turns into a battle. Best of Luck!
That right there... That sounds like the beginning of an accusation, I really don't suggest that rofl.
XD0 -
Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.0
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Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.0 -
More sex, less female self-esteem algorithms
You're welcome0 -
You're looking really hot.0
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Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.
Think that they are as big as my head, or only as big as yours?
OP, we're going to need a size comparison. Fruit is an acceptable measurement.0 -
Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.
No but really... what kind of exercise do you do? Do you eat clean? Will planks help me look like you?0 -
Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.
Think that they are as big as my head, or only as big as yours?
OP, we're going to need a size comparison. Fruit is an acceptable measurement.
if we put our heads together we might have something comparable to dem cans.0 -
Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.
Think that they are as big as my head, or only as big as yours?
OP, we're going to need a size comparison. Fruit is an acceptable measurement.
if we put our heads together we might have something comparable to dem cans.
Since most women have one breast that is smaller than the other, I'm pretty sure that we'd be pretty damn accurate if we did that.
OMG!! We can go as her boobs for Halloween!!!0 -
Yeah positive re-enforcement from a spouse is pretty important. I was really lacking that in my relationship and it bothered me because yes, you're doing this for yourself but you also are doing it for them because they're a huge part of your life. I feel for you. MFP is great though for positive re-enforcement, go post in the "Flaunt It" thread. :bigsmile:0
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Is it just not consistent with his personality to act super attentive? My fiance has been complimentary now and then since I've been working on losing weight, but in a more subtle, matter-of-fact way, if that makes any sense. Like he'll say "You look nice" or "You're looking thinner," or he'll pick up healthy things for me at the store - but he doesn't act all gushy, because over-the-top romantic stuff has just never really been "him." He also doesn't like to say things unless they're unprompted and he truly means them, so I think it would feel strange if he changed his approach suddenly! It happens a lot that guys ARE loving, or supportive, or whatever - they just show it in their own style and not exactly as we would visualize - but that doesn't make it any less genuine.0
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Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.
Think that they are as big as my head, or only as big as yours?
OP, we're going to need a size comparison. Fruit is an acceptable measurement.
if we put our heads together we might have something comparable to dem cans.
Since most women have one breast that is smaller than the other, I'm pretty sure that we'd be pretty damn accurate if we did that.
OMG!! We can go as her boobs for Halloween!!!
tape a couple hershey kiss nips on, and we're golden!
call me...let's get this sorted out now, so we dont have to worry about it all summer!0 -
Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
this.
Think that they are as big as my head, or only as big as yours?
OP, we're going to need a size comparison. Fruit is an acceptable measurement.
if we put our heads together we might have something comparable to dem cans.
Since most women have one breast that is smaller than the other, I'm pretty sure that we'd be pretty damn accurate if we did that.
OMG!! We can go as her boobs for Halloween!!!
tape a couple hershey kiss nips on, and we're golden!
call me...let's get this sorted out now, so we dont have to worry about it all summer!
And we can hang a stuffed cat between us!!! The clever people will get it...0 -
Yeah positive re-enforcement from a spouse is pretty important.
Extremely important, I would say. If you can get compliments and feel wanted from someone you invest yourself in, then that ain't good.
However, as you can tell, you can always come here and feel amazing about how you look, especially if you have a large chest, apparently.0 -
Have you asked him if he still finds you "sexy"? Because he may just love you enough, that it's no big deal to him how you look.
A lot of people tend to overthink things that they shouldn't even overthink and to be honest, it sounds like you may just be overthinking this one lol.
Go back and ask him, don't ask us :P We don't know what's going through his mind.
He was with you before the weightloss, very likely he loves you for who you are no matter the shape you are, hun.
Just go talk to your man :flowerforyou:
Best of luck!
^^ This ^^
If you need more explanation, just read this post and hopefully it will be enlightening...
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1242077-the-difference-between-men-and-women-this-is-genius0 -
Have you tried operant conditioning?0
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My boyfriend is like that. It occurred to me that the reason he's like that is that he's just not concerned about my physical appearance. I have literally gained almost 100 pounds since I've known him and not once has he ever complained about my weight. When I asked him if I should lose weight, this is what he said, "yes. But only because you were happier when you were thin."
Maybe your SO is just not concerned about your physical appearance enough to really care about it. If you need a compliment, just do what I do and fish for one. lol0 -
Have you tried operant conditioning?
:flowerforyou:0 -
I dont think faked enthusiasm is really the key here. Does he have things going on in his life that would be on his mind right now? Any source of stress? Maybe you need to also look at his needs maybe you arent meeting them either? I'm not saying that to be mean, just to illustrate that even with our closest person sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our own stuff we may miss what they need too. Your self esteem about how you look needs to come from you, any compliments from your partner shouldnt be needed they should just be the icing on the cake :flowerforyou:0
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Your boobs are ginormous compared to the rest of you.
What hes trying to say is that he wants a lick0
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