Men... out of curiosity... why...
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most of the games are to keep multiple options open for sex. No (fewer anyway) games if the focus is you.
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I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
Okay... but I didn't suggest that all men do it. I was asking why those that do behave this way.
No one made any generalizations about men.
Actually, based on your "Topic", you did.
If you read the entire OP, she clarified that it does not only apply to men.
But she also said that all men want is sex, even if she was kind enough to add "most of the time", and that everything men do is motivated by sex. That's a very blatant generalization, just her like comment that women guilty of emotional manipulation are "usually motivated by money". I never was.0 -
Well when I used to date, I was hurt in a few relationships and would find a reason to leave a potential relationship after a few dates because it actually was going well. I was afraid to get hurt, but at the same time didn't want to be alone. It took me a long time to realize this, but I would actually stop calling, or find a reason to avoid the girl after things were going really well. Completely not fair to the women and I made a lot of them hate me. It took a woman who came along and wouldn't let me turn my back on her. She fought for me and asked me what the **** was wrong with me. Lol I ended up marrying her. She taught me how to trust and love again. I am just being completely honest from my experiences. But I was guilty of "playing with women's emotions" but it was only my own insecurities and fear. Hopefully this helps.0
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Maybe this will help...
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let's see . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's late spring, and this thing is changing like a damn rubbish truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... ..”
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God,
I feel so .... .'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
Dear god stay out of my diary!!
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I love the honesty in this! And, I'm glad you found "that" woman!Well when I used to date, I was hurt in a few relationships and would find a reason to leave a potential relationship after a few dates because it actually was going well. I was afraid to get hurt, but at the same time didn't want to be alone. It took me a long time to realize this, but I would actually stop calling, or find a reason to avoid the girl after things were going really well. Completely not fair to the women and I made a lot of them hate me. It took a woman who came along and wouldn't let me turn my back on her. She fought for me and asked me what the **** was wrong with me. Lol I ended up marrying her. She taught me how to trust and love again. I am just being completely honest from my experiences. But I was guilty of "playing with women's emotions" but it was only my own insecurities and fear. Hopefully this helps.0 -
Short answer - men have penis...0
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Just off the top of my head, I have noticed that men want sex before relationships, women want the opposite. So a man says things and does things pointing in the direction of a relationship so that way he can accomplish goal A. After goal A. is accomplished it could go one of 2 ways, he could find out that he really digs this chick and sticks it out for the relationship part, or he decides the sex was enough and moves on but by this time she is emotionally invested and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he doesn't just say that to her, hence the leading on... Just my $0.02.0
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Just off the top of my head, I have noticed that men want sex before relationships, women want the opposite. So a man says things and does things pointing in the direction of a relationship so that way he can accomplish goal A. After goal A. is accomplished it could go one of 2 ways, he could find out that he really digs this chick and sticks it out for the relationship part, or he decides the sex was enough and moves on but by this time she is emotionally invested and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he doesn't just say that to her, hence the leading on... Just my $0.02.
So wait - are we saying that a person can't feel 'lead-on' until after there's been dating/relations? Because I've been accused a couple of times of having lead someone on simply by exchanging email addresses. I wish that were a joke, but apparently there are people who are fully capable of taking the slightest kindness and blowing it up into something that's not there.
It only takes one to feel lead-on and those feelings CAN be based on absolutely nothing.0 -
I think men or women that have this behavior have the same mental issues as a school bully. They are insecure and need to feel in control and have an ego boost.
At the same time, some people are just too emotional and read into things that are not there. My husband is a flirt but true to me, has been for 17 years, but to this day I can tell when he is speaking to a female young or 80 it doesn't matter his tone and demeanor changes....he is always shocked then when women hit on him and is quick to say he is happily married.0 -
I was in a relationship for 8 years where when upset we would both say things that we didn't mean just to be hurtful. It was a toxic relationship and one that I thought was just normal for people who are married. We had trust issues and insecurities that amplified those trust issues. Since leaving that relationship I literally had to redefine who I was and that was extremely hard because I had done things I wasn't proud of and said things that shouldn't of been said.
Since then I have redefined myself and gained an enormous amount of confidence and I believe that has changed everything in my life. I get along with everyone better than I ever have. I know others have mentioned their own insecurities and while that has a huge part to play I also feel that typically when one person is playing games the other is as well. It seems to go both ways most the time.
What frustrates me is when I read these forums and women are constantly saying these asinine things that men do to them and the fact that they allow it. If you don't want to play the game then leave the field. Why woman stay and try to justify things amazes me but that's probably a topic for another day.0 -
Well when I used to date, I was hurt in a few relationships and would find a reason to leave a potential relationship after a few dates because it actually was going well. I was afraid to get hurt, but at the same time didn't want to be alone. It took me a long time to realize this, but I would actually stop calling, or find a reason to avoid the girl after things were going really well. Completely not fair to the women and I made a lot of them hate me. It took a woman who came along and wouldn't let me turn my back on her. She fought for me and asked me what the **** was wrong with me. Lol I ended up marrying her. She taught me how to trust and love again. I am just being completely honest from my experiences. But I was guilty of "playing with women's emotions" but it was only my own insecurities and fear. Hopefully this helps.
This is so very true... how do I know this? I am that woman, his wife hehe. I got right in his face every time and told him to "stop rolling over and just allowing **** to happen" and yes I did ask him a few times what the **** was wrong with him lol. Men say they don't like confrontational women but that's all bs. They want women to run after them when they walk away just as women want them to run after us when we walk away. Everyone wants to feel fought for. In my husband's case, aka lookin4gains, he could find a million and one excuses and neither of them were good enough excuses for me. If I'm going to be ignored I want a reason why and it better be a damn good reason, otherwise you're just scared of being loved and loving. Point is, I found someone I wanted to be with and I wasn't going to allow anyone to get in the way of that, not him or his ghost of girlfriend's past. Hahaa0 -
I am not a man, but as you said women are sometimes accused of this and I have been in the past.
It's unintentional.
I want what I want. When I've gotten it or see that I will not get it I move on.
If the thing I want seems JUST OUT OF REACH but still attainable I will stick around and put more coins in the slot to see if I can hit pay dirt. THIS IS MY EXPLANATION FOR why I am sometimes accused of "leading a guy on", because I am sticking around.
When time passes like this it is perceived by the other person as leading them to beleive you are interested. Because they want you to be interested. They want to beleive the time you are spending with them is out of interest in them. Not because the carrot is being dangled just close enough that you can smell it and thus stick around to try to achieve it. Whatever it may be. For a man or a woman. From a man or a woman. The end.0 -
I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
THIS...
Being a jerk has less to do with gender and more to do with the character of each party involved.
Healthily self-confident people (as opposed to those with narcissism, control issues, or passive-aggressive behaviors) are probably not going to play with others' emotions or to have their own emotions played with.
If a person stays in a situation where their emotions are being "played with," that says as much about the person dishing it out as it does about the person standing there with the bowl.
I'm not a shrink, but I think that if a person repeatedly attracts people who "toy with emotions" that there are probably unaddressed self-confidence and self-esteem issues at play. Confident people don't generally tolerate jerks.0 -
Maybe the guy is being more upfront than you realize. But, you are wishfully hoping it will be more and looking for "signals". Maybe the guy just wants sex. I think you should move on, move forward, let this guy go. Find someone that is on the same page with you. I suspect you have allowed them to lead you on and you have also led yourself on. If you want this to stop you need to be honest with yourself. Move on. Be upfront yourself. Don't settle for something hoping it will change if it's not what you want. And if the same person has done it before, don't keep letting them do it.0
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Perception... One person (male or female) may feel totally committed after one date... Another may date for months and not feel committed...
Its about communication... Unfortunately some people (male and female alike) may not communicate their true feelings because they dont know how or out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings... Or simply because they are selfish dont want to "give up" the relationship as it is...
Also, there are times people hear what they want to hear and not what is being said, both verbally and non-verbally...0 -
Just off the top of my head, I have noticed that men want sex before relationships, women want the opposite. So a man says things and does things pointing in the direction of a relationship so that way he can accomplish goal A. After goal A. is accomplished it could go one of 2 ways, he could find out that he really digs this chick and sticks it out for the relationship part, or he decides the sex was enough and moves on but by this time she is emotionally invested and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he doesn't just say that to her, hence the leading on... Just my $0.02.
So wait - are we saying that a person can't feel 'lead-on' until after there's been dating/relations? Because I've been accused a couple of times of having lead someone on simply by exchanging email addresses. I wish that were a joke, but apparently there are people who are fully capable of taking the slightest kindness and blowing it up into something that's not there.
It only takes one to feel lead-on and those feelings CAN be based on absolutely nothing.
My post was just a for instance post. While talking to girlfriends and even in my own experience, this seems to be the case most of the time. I am sure if guys overanalyzed every little thing the situation could be reversed quite a bit and we would hear more from men about being led on, but that simply is not the case. I sometimes wish I had the capability to just see things as they are, but as a woman, I too am guilty of overanalyzing everything. Back when I was dating, a guy would ask for my # and if he didn't call WATCH OUT because I simply could not believe that is was just because he was busy or maybe he lost the #. LOL! It is truly bizzare the directions a woman's mind takes her in. But I agree with you 100% feelings of being led on can absolutely be based on nothing, and that situation with the email... Sounds like she may have come from crazy town. LOL! In my personal experience, I would not be emotionally attached enough to feel led on until I had been given the impression of monogamy for some period of time or until sexy time was had. Unfortunately, like you said there are others out there that do not think like that.0 -
Stop reading into every little thing. . Guys don't like to text or call "just because". . We're freaking busy!
Also. .when we do text or call. .we have to hear all about how we hurt your feelings when we didn't text or call an hour ago.0 -
There is something to be said about each individual prior to forming a romantic relationship. As I am studying psychology we just went over the age group where most people start feeling the need to form romantic relationships and each relationship's failure or work rate is all dependent on who those individuals are alone. Whether they are in securely attached or insecurely attached. And yes it really does have to do with how they were raised to make them either secure or insecure. So it brings back that old saying, you gotta work on yourself and love yourself before you can love someone else. It's either that or some people just don't want to be tied down.0
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Roger and Elaine. Funny. Except replace all the car stuff with makeup/candles/skincare/baddrivers thoughts and yeah, that's pretty much it.
I make no apologies for having whatever it is I got that makes me NOT do the hours and apparently days of torture of reading into every litttle thing. I consider myself free and lucky for it. Any man I have truly loved has known it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I am not a female version of these "douches" as people are describing these "boys" who lead women on. I just think there is a fair amount of misunderstanding, high hopes, and miscommunication or simply lack of that goes on in these scenarios. As was mentioned before communication gets everyone on the same page and lets the chips fall where they may. Problem is most people shy away from it for fear of what they might hear. You must realize, you will risk hearing their feelings are not as strong as yours to be sure, but if you do you will now be able to reclassify them as not the man/woman you thought they were or wanted them to be. It sets you free to move on and find someone who is. It hurts but not forever.0 -
Of the men that I am friends with, several have been accused of playing games like this, but they were actually just oblivious to the woman's feelings. I think that is pretty common.0
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Just off the top of my head, I have noticed that men want sex before relationships, women want the opposite. So a man says things and does things pointing in the direction of a relationship so that way he can accomplish goal A. After goal A. is accomplished it could go one of 2 ways, he could find out that he really digs this chick and sticks it out for the relationship part, or he decides the sex was enough and moves on but by this time she is emotionally invested and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he doesn't just say that to her, hence the leading on... Just my $0.02.
So wait - are we saying that a person can't feel 'lead-on' until after there's been dating/relations? Because I've been accused a couple of times of having lead someone on simply by exchanging email addresses. I wish that were a joke, but apparently there are people who are fully capable of taking the slightest kindness and blowing it up into something that's not there.
It only takes one to feel lead-on and those feelings CAN be based on absolutely nothing.
My post was just a for instance post. While talking to girlfriends and even in my own experience, this seems to be the case most of the time. I am sure if guys overanalyzed every little thing the situation could be reversed quite a bit and we would hear more from men about being led on, but that simply is not the case. I sometimes wish I had the capability to just see things as they are, but as a woman, I too am guilty of overanalyzing everything. Back when I was dating, a guy would ask for my # and if he didn't call WATCH OUT because I simply could not believe that is was just because he was busy or maybe he lost the #. LOL! It is truly bizzare the directions a woman's mind takes her in. But I agree with you 100% feelings of being led on can absolutely be based on nothing, and that situation with the email... Sounds like she may have come from crazy town. LOL! In my personal experience, I would not be emotionally attached enough to feel led on until I had been given the impression of monogamy for some period of time or until sexy time was had. Unfortunately, like you said there are others out there that do not think like that.
Thanks for clarifying...
I agree that most people feeling lead-on feel that way because they're actually being lead-on (for any number of myriad reasons). I just wanted to make the case that there's also a lot of wishful thinking out there.0 -
Maybe the guy is being more upfront than you realize. But, you are wishfully hoping it will be more and looking for "signals". Maybe the guy just wants sex. I think you should move on, move forward, let this guy go. Find someone that is on the same page with you. I suspect you have allowed them to lead you on and you have also led yourself on. If you want this to stop you need to be honest with yourself. Move on. Be upfront yourself. Don't settle for something hoping it will change if it's not what you want. And if the same person has done it before, don't keep letting them do it.
This times a million. More often than not the guy says what he means but the woman will interpret it to mean all of these unsaid promises. The OP even said it was "inadvertent", which I interpret as "didn't promise me anything but I really really wanted more and now I'm disappointed." it's there or it's not, and if it's not there, move on, but don't blame him for your feelings.0 -
Why would you play with a woman's emotions? What do you gain from it? Do you find that you do it unintentionally? Do you correct your behavior once you realized that you have inadvertently lead a woman on?
I suppose the same can be true of women who lead on men, but I'm curious about the male perspective of this. Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
I would hazard its a power trip perhaps along with a shield to block insecurities. A way to wear a mask of self importance as they are too weak inside to share an honest relationship.
* They is no suppose if this is true of women also. I see it melting the emotional wax on both ends of a relationship candle regardless of gender.0 -
As a woman, I am so clueless about this type of stuff. I assume it is just a casual friend type deal unless a guy specifically tells me he is into me. Over analyzing behavior is simply too exhausting.0
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Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
That's not true. Men are just as - if not more - emotional than women, they just go to further lengths to hide it because somewhere along the line being emotional became seen as a 'feminine' trait.
^^^ so true!!!
although the above post didn't say men were not as emotional as women (sorry to be pedantic!)
Agreed.
Having picked up the pieces of a heartbroken son and attempted to put them back together into a somewhat human shape (one of the toughest things I've done as a parent), I can tell you that men are perfectly capable of and experience the full range of emotions. I do not get how people can think otherwise, except that many men tend to hide their emotions in order to not be perceived in a socially unacceptable way. That is an act that in itself is evidence of a deep emotional life.
My life is surrounded by men, and has been for 20 years. I'm married to one and have 2 sons, who are both now adult aged. They are not driven solely by a desire for sex (really people? that's ridiculous), but are in fact fully fledged humans with emotional and social lives, who care about others and sometimes can be selfish or unthinking, because: human.
This, this, and this ^^^0 -
Just want to add that of course men have emotions. My husband and I both have always had emotions for these 18 years I have known him and from the stories he tells me before I knew him. But I had sexual relationships before him that were purely sex and never meant to move forward.0
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As a woman, I am so clueless about this type of stuff. I assume it is just a casual friend type deal unless a guy specifically tells me he is into me. Over analyzing behavior is simply too exhausting.
I agreed with you on these. Just let everything comes and goes naturally..I mean why worry so much?
We,women, if being too emotional, may freak men out. They cannot read what's in our mind. We need to tell them what's inside our hearts, if our guys willing to hear us out. No mind games, just be straight forward.0
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