SERIOUS BINGE EATING PROBLEMS?
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TDKAPS
Posts: 28
Hey guys, I decided to make a MFP account so i can have some kind of support or someone in a similar matter.. I have no one else to go to so i thought this was my best shot. (This will be long, sorry)
Okay long story short, last year May i was 158 pounds at 5'5. (18 years old, now 19) I didn't HATE my body, i didn't have low self esteem, actually i was extremely confident. But i suffered from social anxiety, i think i was secretly in denial about my weight. Anyway after years of trying to diet (as in i'd last two weeks and give up) i finally stuck to it, somehow, i don't even know how i did it. Growing up i always ate a TON of food, i'm surprised i maintained my weight. My day would be something like this .. 4 Chocolate muffins in milk, tons of chocolate, any meal my mum cooked, whole packet of cookies and nothing even remotely healthy. Never exercised. So how i stuck to this diet still confuses me.
I started eating 500 calories a day, no exercise. I lost weight extremely quickly, i lied to myself saying it was healthy. My body DID feel good but had no energy, and as the weeks progressed i would have to sit down when i felt like i was going to faint. I thought it was worth it though, everyone started complimenting me, i started developing bad body images. For 3 weeks i was on 200 calories a day, i used to brag about it. How in control i was. I wanted to be underweight by that point. In 8-9 weeks i got down to 123 pounds. Then the mean comments started happening, how sick i looked, how unhealthy i looked. People started getting concerned. But i never had so much attention before by guys. I started upping my Cals very slowly so i could avoid weight gain and started exercising. I was planning to reach my goal weight the HEALTHY way. That lasted about oh, um, 1 week. I Binged one day. 4000 calories. I was so scared, i didn't want to be fat again. So i attempted to starve the next day. And that didn't work. I would gain a bit and then lose it. I was consuming so much calories and then starving, over exercising and laxative abuse.
I actually maintained my weight, but i had the LOWEST self esteem, i had to quit my jobs because it was around food and i would eat it and cry. And have serious heart problems because of laxatives. In late November i weighed myself to my surprise i weighed the same, i still thought i was obese at 123 pounds. I thought to myself everyday 'I WILL BE 100 POUNDS' I refused to go to a holiday with my family because it was on the beach. I had the house to myself, i thought now i could really be in control and not be tempted by mums junk food. I threw away every single food in the house. But i couldn't get to bed one day because of hunger. So i decided to binge. I've realised because of this, my binges are very mental. Nothing about taste or emotional problems. I ate DRY PASTA, i ate sugar from the tub. ANYTHING i could find. I ate things that were absolutely disgusting. Unfortunately, i couldn't make up for it. This lasted 3 weeks of serious binging. Easily 5000 cals. I missed out of New years because i was so sad about my weight. I just stayed at home. I wanted to go to university so i could be in control again and move out of home. That's exactly what i did. (Which was 2 months ago), All seemed to be going well, 500 cals, Running one hour a day. I didn't believe the scale when it said i weighed 128 pounds, that was FAR too low for how much i was binging and starving.
Somehow from then and now i have gained 17 pounds. 17 POUNDS!!!!! I weigh 145 pounds now. And i DEFINITELY do. If i thought i looked fat before, imagine now. I quit uni, quit my job, moved back home. I couldn't handle it. I refuse to leave my house, i refuse to see my family and friends. I WON'T see a psychologist because i'm ashamed of someone seeing me at this weight. NONE of my clothes fit me as i threw away my others and i refuse to buy in a bigger size. I'm going overseas in 5 weeks and i really don't want to be at this weight
I gained so much weight, by just binging A LOT. And not making up for it, i'd tell myself 'Don't worry you'd make up for it' But i don't. It's like how you say 'Tomorrow i'll start eating healthy' but tomorrow never comes. EXCEPT i'm eating 5000 CALORIES!! I might starve for only one day in the week. I know i can just start eating healthily, but it's so hard for me. I'm very inpatient. But even when i TRY to eat healthy, i BINGE. I read all those binging books, they don't seem to help me.
I'm so angry and upset, i feel like a failure. I'm also upset i've missed out of so much family events because i'm afraid they will think i'm ugly. (I know it's stupid to think this way). I look at old photos of myself and it makes me so sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? E.g. Lost weight, gained it back. Or serious Binging problems?
Okay long story short, last year May i was 158 pounds at 5'5. (18 years old, now 19) I didn't HATE my body, i didn't have low self esteem, actually i was extremely confident. But i suffered from social anxiety, i think i was secretly in denial about my weight. Anyway after years of trying to diet (as in i'd last two weeks and give up) i finally stuck to it, somehow, i don't even know how i did it. Growing up i always ate a TON of food, i'm surprised i maintained my weight. My day would be something like this .. 4 Chocolate muffins in milk, tons of chocolate, any meal my mum cooked, whole packet of cookies and nothing even remotely healthy. Never exercised. So how i stuck to this diet still confuses me.
I started eating 500 calories a day, no exercise. I lost weight extremely quickly, i lied to myself saying it was healthy. My body DID feel good but had no energy, and as the weeks progressed i would have to sit down when i felt like i was going to faint. I thought it was worth it though, everyone started complimenting me, i started developing bad body images. For 3 weeks i was on 200 calories a day, i used to brag about it. How in control i was. I wanted to be underweight by that point. In 8-9 weeks i got down to 123 pounds. Then the mean comments started happening, how sick i looked, how unhealthy i looked. People started getting concerned. But i never had so much attention before by guys. I started upping my Cals very slowly so i could avoid weight gain and started exercising. I was planning to reach my goal weight the HEALTHY way. That lasted about oh, um, 1 week. I Binged one day. 4000 calories. I was so scared, i didn't want to be fat again. So i attempted to starve the next day. And that didn't work. I would gain a bit and then lose it. I was consuming so much calories and then starving, over exercising and laxative abuse.
I actually maintained my weight, but i had the LOWEST self esteem, i had to quit my jobs because it was around food and i would eat it and cry. And have serious heart problems because of laxatives. In late November i weighed myself to my surprise i weighed the same, i still thought i was obese at 123 pounds. I thought to myself everyday 'I WILL BE 100 POUNDS' I refused to go to a holiday with my family because it was on the beach. I had the house to myself, i thought now i could really be in control and not be tempted by mums junk food. I threw away every single food in the house. But i couldn't get to bed one day because of hunger. So i decided to binge. I've realised because of this, my binges are very mental. Nothing about taste or emotional problems. I ate DRY PASTA, i ate sugar from the tub. ANYTHING i could find. I ate things that were absolutely disgusting. Unfortunately, i couldn't make up for it. This lasted 3 weeks of serious binging. Easily 5000 cals. I missed out of New years because i was so sad about my weight. I just stayed at home. I wanted to go to university so i could be in control again and move out of home. That's exactly what i did. (Which was 2 months ago), All seemed to be going well, 500 cals, Running one hour a day. I didn't believe the scale when it said i weighed 128 pounds, that was FAR too low for how much i was binging and starving.
Somehow from then and now i have gained 17 pounds. 17 POUNDS!!!!! I weigh 145 pounds now. And i DEFINITELY do. If i thought i looked fat before, imagine now. I quit uni, quit my job, moved back home. I couldn't handle it. I refuse to leave my house, i refuse to see my family and friends. I WON'T see a psychologist because i'm ashamed of someone seeing me at this weight. NONE of my clothes fit me as i threw away my others and i refuse to buy in a bigger size. I'm going overseas in 5 weeks and i really don't want to be at this weight
I gained so much weight, by just binging A LOT. And not making up for it, i'd tell myself 'Don't worry you'd make up for it' But i don't. It's like how you say 'Tomorrow i'll start eating healthy' but tomorrow never comes. EXCEPT i'm eating 5000 CALORIES!! I might starve for only one day in the week. I know i can just start eating healthily, but it's so hard for me. I'm very inpatient. But even when i TRY to eat healthy, i BINGE. I read all those binging books, they don't seem to help me.I'm so angry and upset, i feel like a failure. I'm also upset i've missed out of so much family events because i'm afraid they will think i'm ugly. (I know it's stupid to think this way). I look at old photos of myself and it makes me so sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? E.g. Lost weight, gained it back. Or serious Binging problems?
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Replies
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I binge
for me it always stems from this "I have the will power" thing. Like I'll cut way too low and its fueled by the compliments, the brief moments of power etc. but its so not sustainable and your body will get you back... I'm just trying to allow myself the time to go about things in a healthy way. Its about changing the way I think and loving myself, enjoying the process. For me it helps to accept that change is never ending, so I am going to enjoy each new level. Forgiveness for ones self helps too. 0 -
I believe that you need serious professional help. You are giving up things you love, such as family vacations, due to food issues, and even giving up activities that relate to your future and goals, such as your education due to an obsession with food and appearance. If everyone in college who gained the "freshman 15" quit school, then no one would graduate. It also sounds as if you have already done some fairly serious damage to your health. Also, your body image is distorted. Even 145 is not that heavy for a 5'5" person, certainly not to the point that you would want to not leave the house. You need to see a therapist and get some self-care.0
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I never used to have problems like these. I'm not the person i used to be. There's so much things in the world that means so much more but i can't seem to care for them. I really wish i did, i want to enjoy my life again.0
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Then you need to see a professional and learn to love yourself enough to enjoy your life. Your body is a vehicle to help you live and enjoy your life, not to punish yourself with. Confide in your parents or someone close. They must see how much you are hurting.0
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I never used to have problems like these. I'm not the person i used to be. There's so much things in the world that means so much more but i can't seem to care for them. I really wish i did, i want to enjoy my life again.
You're 19 years old. This should be one of the best times of your life. Exploring your freedom, meeting new people. attending college, planning your life. Just reading your story makes me very sad for you. I encourage (STRONGLY) that you talk to your parents. If that is not an option, you need to find someone (doctor, nurse, clinic) and let someone help you work through all the issues you have around food, your weight & your body image.
This will not end well. Please, please talk to someone. This is your life we're discussing. Find someone. :flowerforyou:0 -
I've confided in my mum A LOT. They really don't seem to understand at all or she just doesn't understand how to help. Every time i'm in the kitchen, even if it's just to get water, she'd say "AREN'T YOU DONE IN THERE YET?' Because she's afraid i'll make the kitchen a mess from eating so much. It hurts me a lot. I guess it will be a good idea to see a therapist, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.0
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I believe that you need serious professional help. You are giving up things you love, such as family vacations, due to food issues, and even giving up activities that relate to your future and goals, such as your education due to an obsession with food and appearance. If everyone in college who gained the "freshman 15" quit school, then no one would graduate. It also sounds as if you have already done some fairly serious damage to your health. Also, your body image is distorted. Even 145 is not that heavy for a 5'5" person, certainly not to the point that you would want to not leave the house. You need to see a therapist and get some self-care.
This. Please seek professional help. Please do it for you.0 -
I never used to have problems like these. I'm not the person i used to be. There's so much things in the world that means so much more but i can't seem to care for them. I really wish i did, i want to enjoy my life again.
You're 19 years old. This should be one of the best times of your life. Exploring your freedom, meeting new people. attending college, planning your life. Just reading your story makes me very sad for you. I encourage (STRONGLY) that you talk to your parents. If that is not an option, you need to find someone (doctor, nurse, clinic) and let someone help you work through all the issues you have around food, your weight & your body image.
This will not end well. Please, please talk to someone. This is your life we're discussing. Find someone. :flowerforyou:
I know! It's terrible, i've wasted so much time already. It's only been a year. But this whole year has been hell on me.
I don't want to spend another day feeling like this. When i was in college, i was so jealous of everyone having fun. When i would just hide up in room obsessing. This is why i decided to go overseas in 5 weeks for 6 weeks, to get away and just focus on other things.0 -
I've confided in my mum A LOT. They really don't seem to understand at all or she just doesn't understand how to help. Every time i'm in the kitchen, even if it's just to get water, she'd say "AREN'T YOU DONE IN THERE YET?' Because she's afraid i'll make the kitchen a mess from eating so much. It hurts me a lot. I guess it will be a good idea to see a therapist, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.
If you were my daughter, I would want you to be healthy and enjoy your life to the fullest. I encourage you to at least talk to someone. A counselor/therapist will be able to help you. They have heard everything - so while you may be uncomfortable at first, opening up and sharing what you have with someone who can help will take a pretty big weight off of you.
Please do it soon. Let us know how you're doing.0 -
I've confided in my mum A LOT. They really don't seem to understand at all or she just doesn't understand how to help. Every time i'm in the kitchen, even if it's just to get water, she'd say "AREN'T YOU DONE IN THERE YET?' Because she's afraid i'll make the kitchen a mess from eating so much. It hurts me a lot. I guess it will be a good idea to see a therapist, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.
If you were my daughter, I would want you to be healthy and enjoy your life to the fullest. I encourage you to at least talk to someone. A counselor/therapist will be able to help you. They have heard everything - so while you may be uncomfortable at first, opening up and sharing what you have with someone who can help will take a pretty big weight off of you.
Please do it soon. Let us know how you're doing.
Actually, it's not opening up that's the problem. I seen a therapist last year about my anxiety and it helped me a lot. My problem is actually leaving the house.. Also, it takes a while for a position to open up. I had to wait about 2 months. So i'm trying to find other options at the moment. The hardest part about this is not seeing my family or friends. I've lost a lot of people by avoiding everyone. I can't avoid my family forever though, i've lied and say i'm still in college so i can't see them. They tell me how much they miss me and it hurts me so much 0 -
Oh, please call your doctor right away and ask for help. We have the exact same stats, so in no way should you feel like you need to be 45 pounds lighter. And I'm sure you're quite lovely, too. You need to learn to care and love yourself, but you need help to get there. My sister went through this, and she came through the other side healthy and happy, but she needed someone to guide her. You can do it, too.
Peace to you, sweety.0 -
I've confided in my mum A LOT. They really don't seem to understand at all or she just doesn't understand how to help. Every time i'm in the kitchen, even if it's just to get water, she'd say "AREN'T YOU DONE IN THERE YET?' Because she's afraid i'll make the kitchen a mess from eating so much. It hurts me a lot. I guess it will be a good idea to see a therapist, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.
If you were my daughter, I would want you to be healthy and enjoy your life to the fullest. I encourage you to at least talk to someone. A counselor/therapist will be able to help you. They have heard everything - so while you may be uncomfortable at first, opening up and sharing what you have with someone who can help will take a pretty big weight off of you.
Please do it soon. Let us know how you're doing.
Actually, it's not opening up that's the problem. I seen a therapist last year about my anxiety and it helped me a lot. My problem is actually leaving the house.. Also, it takes a while for a position to open up. I had to wait about 2 months. So i'm trying to find other options at the moment. The hardest part about this is not seeing my family or friends. I've lost a lot of people by avoiding everyone. I can't avoid my family forever though, i've lied and say i'm still in college so i can't see them. They tell me how much they miss me and it hurts me so much
Can you call your old therapist and see if she/he can see you again or help you be seen sooner? Good for you for going. That is such a sign of strength when you do what needs to be done to stay/get healthy. Like Mischievous said, also call your doctor. Take care of yourself.0 -
You have got to be kidding me!!! Did you even read what the OP said? Do you even understand what she's saying? This isn't just a "I need to lose weight" thread, this is an "I have a serious ED and need to get help" thread. Please, stop, read and think before posting in a thread.
OP - You are awesome. I know telling your story isn't an easy thing. I also know that seeing a therapist isn't an easy thing either. I wasted several years of my life not dealing with things, depressed and gaining weight because I didn't want to put myself in therapy. I now think about how many years I wasted because I didn't want to deal.
It sounds like you are ready to deal with your issues. I applaud you for telling your story, seeking help. Please find a counselor. They can help you.
This site has a online chat feature. It's free. Maybe they can help you find someone in your area that can help.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support
You are strong enough to do this. To recover. Get stronger. You can do this. :flowerforyou:0 -
Coming from another young person who LOVES food and literally wants to cry every night when I cant have taco bell what you are doing is NOT good... It can be deadly eating like that!! I too am one who would like to eat as little as 700-800 calories a day and for what? To only make myself fail because I was depriving myself... Get this... If you eat 800 calories every day for a week you can potentially lose a little but not much if any at all... But eating 1200-1400 calories daily and doing the same workout did me wonders and I lost weight consistently and every time I stood on the scale I was happy! Eating more DOES mean you lose MORE weight... So you need to seek help. Seek help in finding ways to help you want to eat healthy and keep eating healthy!! You can still splurge from time to time without ruining all your hard work.. Trust me!! I am a fat kid at heart who wouldnt mind being "over weight" but I want to start a family and I want to be able to enjoy it and be healthy... So as hard as that is I am giving up my junk food and unhealthy foods for healthy choices because I want to be around for a long time, not just to be skinny... Try and think of it as being healthy not being on a diet. That REALLY helps me!0
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Coming from another young person who LOVES food and literally wants to cry every night when I cant have taco bell what you are doing is NOT good... It can be deadly eating that much!! I too am one who would like to eat as little as 700-800 calories a day and for what? To only make myself fail because I was depriving myself... Get this... If you eat 800 calories every day for a week you can potentially lose a little but not much if any at all... But eating 1200-1400 calories daily and doing the same workout did me wonders and I lost weight consistently and every time I stood on the scale I was happy! Eating more DOES mean you lose MORE weight... So you need to seek help. Seek help in finding ways to help you want to eat healthy and keep eating healthy!! You can still splurge from time to time without ruining all your hard work.. Trust me!! I am a fat kid at heart who wouldnt mind being "over weight" but I want to start a family and I want to be able to enjoy it and be healthy... So as hard as that is I am giving up my junk food and unhealthy foods for healthy choices because I want to be around for a long time, not just to be skinny... Try and think of it as being healthy not being on a diet. That REALLY helps me!
This has nothing to do with weight loss, or so i've realised it doesn't. I lost weight NOT eating, i cried when i upped my calories from 600 to 800 because i thought i was going to get fat. I never binged from not eating, my 'binges' were less than 1000 calories. My binge/starve cycle was/is a mental game. I'm scared of being overweight but i'm also afraid of being underweight. Part of me feels binging shuts up my thoughts. I have so much different thoughts and different mindsets when before i just had 1. But i DO want to be healthy. AND happy and also at my goal weight.0 -
Feel free to add me. If I can help in ANY way I will. Even just being a sounding board.
There's also a free anonymous site - if journaling may help you - http://750words.com/
I highly suggest starting off with that website. The free chat online feature may really be useful until you can get in to see a counselor.0 -
Awww, heck no! Seriously, is that your advice. Shame on you!! :grumble: :noway:
OP - You were given some great advice but please ignore this one. Grace and Gypsy gave some excellent advice! Good luck to you :flowerforyou:0 -
I just want to give you a hug and tell you it's gonna be okay.
Please reach out to someone. Other people have linked you, so I don't need to. Talk to your parents again. Sit them down, and try to convey how serious this is. Maybe they don't know how to handle this. Tell them you need their help. Be adamant. Tell them what you've told us. You need to do some serious healing before you try to get to your goal.
With that said, perhaps when you get a little better you could try weight training instead of starving yourself to get to the goal of being 'thin'? You're cute as a button now (no one wants to be considered cute as a button, sorry!) and you've got nothing to be ashamed of. At all.0 -
Oh man, you are speaking my language. I have tears in my eyes reading your post.
I'm much older than you are and I'm here to strongly encourage you to do whatever you can to make sure you find someone to help. This doesn't go away on its own. I hope something you read here on MFP will help you to move forward without going through the sheer hell this illness can put you through. And, believe me, this IS an illness. It isolates you and becomes your entire focus.
This topic jumped out at me as I have eaten over 17,300 calories in the past three days. I refused to count them at first but sat down and just faced it. I know I missed a few things. I haven't had an episode like this for about a year. Not sure exactly what triggered it. I'm fine today....no impulses or desperation and I don't hate myself. I can just as easily go three or four days and eat almost nothing. There is no rhyme or reason.
I'd like to think my life would have been more normal had someone paid attention to what was going on when I was your age. Perhaps earlier intervention and therapy - I know that the damage I've done to myself is irreversible but you have the benefit of being aware that what you're doing isn't healthy and you are looking for an answer.
Sending strength and hope to you - - and I'm sure you'll find all sorts of people here who will be more than happy to support you. xo0 -
You sound very much like my son 10 years ago when he was around 13. He was chunky but not what I would call fat but he had that in his head so he decided to "fix" it. He began by eating then immediately trying to exercise off all the food he ate then he began to chew his food then spit it out. After that he began to purge. And as his mother, I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't realize at first what was going on. I knew he ran off to the bathroom after eating but it really wasn't that unusual (that kid can take up serious bathroom time). And after working all day and having to fix dinner and clean up and make sure homework was done, etc., I wasn't as attentive as I should have been. It was my parents who finally clued in to what was happening and we were able to get him help. And my son fought us for the longest time about treatment. He had to see his regular dr for awhile until an appt with the eating disorder specialist opened up. Some weeks he saw 3 different doctors in the week depending on the psychologist, ED specialist & GP and he spit fire at us at every opportunity. I know you said you opened up to your mom but it could be that she's not seeing the full picture just like I didn't. Definitely get yourself some help and find someone, anyone, to talk to until you can see a specialist. Give your parents another chance and let them know what you said here. Or let them read it if it'll be easier that way. You definitely need to find a professional to help you through this. My son was almost hospitalized, did damage to his heart, wore away some of the enamel on his teeth and has damaged his esophagus. It's scary to think that if it had gotten much worse, we could have lost him. Don't let that happen to you. You have so much to offer and so much joy to give and receive.0
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