SERIOUS BINGE EATING PROBLEMS?

TDKAPS

On the binge eating OP, I urge you to check out Intermittent Fasting (leangains.com). I am a binge eater myself and this has seriously helped me feel better about how I eat. I fast for about 17 hours and give myself a 7 hour eating window. There's a lot of info out there about it, and I've seen it recommended to binge eaters. It's definitely helped me and I never feel deprived.

Ah yes, IF. I've tried it. But it would work better for me i think if i was completely committed to it. But congrats for it working for you!

Biggirllittledreams

I never used to have problems like these. I'm not the person i used to be. There's so much things in the world that means so much more but i can't seem to care for them. I really wish i did, i want to enjoy my life again.

You need to see an eating disorder specialist- a therapist, nutritionist and possibly psychiatrist.

I'm in recovery from both Anorexia and Binge Eating Disorder. Feel free to add me for support.

PikaKnight

I never used to have problems like these. I'm not the person i used to be. There's so much things in the world that means so much more but i can't seem to care for them. I really wish i did, i want to enjoy my life again.

You need to see an eating disorder specialist- a therapist, nutritionist and possibly psychiatrist.

I'm in recovery from both Anorexia and Binge Eating Disorder. Feel free to add me for support.

^This. It really sounds like you need to seek more help from a counselor/therapist then people on the internet right now.

Just in case, I'll leave this here.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

kilsafari

Reading your posts feels like looking in a mirror. I know exactly where you're coming from. Its an extremely dark place to be, its miserable and you feel trapped. I am here for you if you ever need to talk about it privately.

Sharon_C

I have two daughters (one the same age as you). If you were my daughter you and I would be finding a therapist ASAP. I would be sitting in that waiting room with you and we would work on this together to get you healthy. Like another poster said, I wish I could hug you right now.

The fact that you are closing yourself off from everything you like to do tells me you might also be suffering from some sort of depression as well as an eating disorder. Please seek help. Find a friend or family member who will help you find help. This is not the way you want to spend the rest of your life.

It encourages me to read your posts in that it seems you understand something is wrong and you're seeking advice.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope you find the help you need.

Jul7312

What is ACE?
Thank you,

Jul7312

TDKAPS

I have two daughters (one the same age as you). If you were my daughter you and I would be finding a therapist ASAP. I would be sitting in that waiting room with you and we would work on this together to get you healthy. Like another poster said, I wish I could hug you right now.

The fact that you are closing yourself off from everything you like to do tells me you might also be suffering from some sort of depression as well as an eating disorder. Please seek help. Find a friend or family member who will help you find help. This is not the way you want to spend the rest of your life.

It encourages me to read your posts in that it seems you understand something is wrong and you're seeking advice.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope you find the help you need.

I Definitely suffer from depression, there was parts where i was severely considering suicide which made me realise how irrational my behaviour was, i mean the thought of ending my life just because i didn't like the way i looked. I was NEVER one to consider even thinking about it and the fact i spent days planning it out saddened me. I had OCD as a child and social anxiety growing up. I've also always been a black and white person. This is a nutrition site though, so i avoided telling other problems in my post. Sometimes i think i was doomed from the beginning, which of course is a terrible way to think.

Dragonwolf

Hey guys, I decided to make a MFP account so i can have some kind of support or someone in a similar matter.. I have no one else to go to so i thought this was my best shot. (This will be long, sorry)

Okay long story short, last year May i was 158 pounds at 5'5. (18 years old, now 19) I didn't HATE my body, i didn't have low self esteem, actually i was extremely confident. But i suffered from social anxiety, i think i was secretly in denial about my weight. Anyway after years of trying to diet (as in i'd last two weeks and give up) i finally stuck to it, somehow, i don't even know how i did it. Growing up i always ate a TON of food, i'm surprised i maintained my weight. My day would be something like this .. 4 Chocolate muffins in milk, tons of chocolate, any meal my mum cooked, whole packet of cookies and nothing even remotely healthy. Never exercised. So how i stuck to this diet still confuses me.

I started eating 500 calories a day, no exercise. I lost weight extremely quickly, i lied to myself saying it was healthy. My body DID feel good but had no energy, and as the weeks progressed i would have to sit down when i felt like i was going to faint. I thought it was worth it though, everyone started complimenting me, i started developing bad body images. For 3 weeks i was on 200 calories a day, i used to brag about it. How in control i was. I wanted to be underweight by that point. In 8-9 weeks i got down to 123 pounds. Then the mean comments started happening, how sick i looked, how unhealthy i looked. People started getting concerned. But i never had so much attention before by guys. I started upping my Cals very slowly so i could avoid weight gain and started exercising. I was planning to reach my goal weight the HEALTHY way. That lasted about oh, um, 1 week. I Binged one day. 4000 calories. I was so scared, i didn't want to be fat again. So i attempted to starve the next day. And that didn't work. I would gain a bit and then lose it. I was consuming so much calories and then starving, over exercising and laxative abuse.

I actually maintained my weight, but i had the LOWEST self esteem, i had to quit my jobs because it was around food and i would eat it and cry. And have serious heart problems because of laxatives. In late November i weighed myself to my surprise i weighed the same, i still thought i was obese at 123 pounds. I thought to myself everyday 'I WILL BE 100 POUNDS' I refused to go to a holiday with my family because it was on the beach. I had the house to myself, i thought now i could really be in control and not be tempted by mums junk food. I threw away every single food in the house. But i couldn't get to bed one day because of hunger. So i decided to binge. I've realised because of this, my binges are very mental. Nothing about taste or emotional problems. I ate DRY PASTA, i ate sugar from the tub. ANYTHING i could find. I ate things that were absolutely disgusting. Unfortunately, i couldn't make up for it. This lasted 3 weeks of serious binging. Easily 5000 cals. I missed out of New years because i was so sad about my weight. I just stayed at home. I wanted to go to university so i could be in control again and move out of home. That's exactly what i did. (Which was 2 months ago), All seemed to be going well, 500 cals, Running one hour a day. I didn't believe the scale when it said i weighed 128 pounds, that was FAR too low for how much i was binging and starving.

Somehow from then and now i have gained 17 pounds. 17 POUNDS!!!!! I weigh 145 pounds now. And i DEFINITELY do. If i thought i looked fat before, imagine now. I quit uni, quit my job, moved back home. I couldn't handle it. I refuse to leave my house, i refuse to see my family and friends. I WON'T see a psychologist because i'm ashamed of someone seeing me at this weight. NONE of my clothes fit me as i threw away my others and i refuse to buy in a bigger size. I'm going overseas in 5 weeks and i really don't want to be at this weight I gained so much weight, by just binging A LOT. And not making up for it, i'd tell myself 'Don't worry you'd make up for it' But i don't. It's like how you say 'Tomorrow i'll start eating healthy' but tomorrow never comes. EXCEPT i'm eating 5000 CALORIES!! I might starve for only one day in the week. I know i can just start eating healthily, but it's so hard for me. I'm very inpatient. But even when i TRY to eat healthy, i BINGE. I read all those binging books, they don't seem to help me.

I'm so angry and upset, i feel like a failure. I'm also upset i've missed out of so much family events because i'm afraid they will think i'm ugly. (I know it's stupid to think this way). I look at old photos of myself and it makes me so sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? E.g. Lost weight, gained it back. Or serious Binging problems?

I think the main reason why you haven't gained much weight when you think you should, is because you're binging because you're starving. Your body's drive to get fuel, from anywhere it can get it, is overwhelming your attempts to control it.

Let's put your numbers into perspective:

With your stats, you need about 1400 calories per day, just for your body to function, and about 1650 just to sit on the couch all day, doing nothing.

You mentioned that your daily caloric intake was 200-500 calories. That means you're depriving your body of about 1000 calories that it needs just to keep you alive, and another 500 or so more to sustain you doing anything. Do that for even a week, and you've created a caloric debt of over 7000 calories.

So, that 5000 calorie binge? That was just to make up for what you deprived your body.

Do that for months, and it's no wonder you can't stop binging, because by this time, your body isn't only looking to balance the caloric equation (calories in = calories out) while trying to delay the inevitable in this situation (maintain body fat for as long as possible, because once that's gone, if no food source has been found, it's game over), but it's also trying to replenish nutrient stores. After several months of starving yourself, and probably eating crap food with few micronutrients, your stores of things like Vitamin A, B-12, D, Iron, and other nutrients that the body keeps and stores, are nearly depleted.

Once you do start feeding your body (which is what you're doing when you binge, even if it's weird stuff like plain sugar), it's going to go into "prepare for another famine" mode, and store every extra molecule that it can. That's why you gained some weight. Keep in mind, too, that it's not all fat. In fact, probably around half of that wasn't, but was, instead, water and glycogen (the sugar stores your body uses for things like sprinting and other fast-energy needs).

Also, you are not fat, even now, let alone obese. If you can't or won't see medical help, then every time you start to think negative thoughts about your body, remind yourself of that. Say something like "I am at a healthy weight and am beautiful the way I am." Think about the things you like about yourself.

Another thing - step outside. You said you don't want to leave the house. Why? Because people will see you? Okay, and? I'm not trying to be mean, here, but think about what it is that you're afraid of. Are you afraid of people judging you? If so, again think the positive thoughts - you are beautiful (so if they're going to "judge" you, it will likely be positive). Also, most people are thinking more or less the same thing you are, or they're too wrapped up in their own stuff to care. Even if the only thing you do for a while is sit on your front porch or step (or balcony, or whatever) for 5 minutes, then that's progress (and exposure to sunshine, which will help you make Vitamin D, which will, in turn, help you feel better).

As for food - don't focus on how many calories you eat or how few right now. Instead, focus on nourishing your body. Focus on eating real food - apples, broccoli, steak, fish, carrots, etc. Nutrient rich food that will help you be the healthy you that you deserve to be. Be mindful about your body's signals -- eat when you're hungry, take time to enjoy the food, and stop when you feel full (not necessarily when you think you've "eaten too much," the goal here is to get you healthy again).

That said, there's only so much any of us here can do besides offer suggestions, and getting an appointment with your therapist is the best thing you can do, and they can provide a better, more thorough and customized plan for getting you back to a healthy mindset and relationship with food and yourself.

TDKAPS

Hey guys, I decided to make a MFP account so i can have some kind of support or someone in a similar matter.. I have no one else to go to so i thought this was my best shot. (This will be long, sorry)

Okay long story short, last year May i was 158 pounds at 5'5. (18 years old, now 19) I didn't HATE my body, i didn't have low self esteem, actually i was extremely confident. But i suffered from social anxiety, i think i was secretly in denial about my weight. Anyway after years of trying to diet (as in i'd last two weeks and give up) i finally stuck to it, somehow, i don't even know how i did it. Growing up i always ate a TON of food, i'm surprised i maintained my weight. My day would be something like this .. 4 Chocolate muffins in milk, tons of chocolate, any meal my mum cooked, whole packet of cookies and nothing even remotely healthy. Never exercised. So how i stuck to this diet still confuses me.

I started eating 500 calories a day, no exercise. I lost weight extremely quickly, i lied to myself saying it was healthy. My body DID feel good but had no energy, and as the weeks progressed i would have to sit down when i felt like i was going to faint. I thought it was worth it though, everyone started complimenting me, i started developing bad body images. For 3 weeks i was on 200 calories a day, i used to brag about it. How in control i was. I wanted to be underweight by that point. In 8-9 weeks i got down to 123 pounds. Then the mean comments started happening, how sick i looked, how unhealthy i looked. People started getting concerned. But i never had so much attention before by guys. I started upping my Cals very slowly so i could avoid weight gain and started exercising. I was planning to reach my goal weight the HEALTHY way. That lasted about oh, um, 1 week. I Binged one day. 4000 calories. I was so scared, i didn't want to be fat again. So i attempted to starve the next day. And that didn't work. I would gain a bit and then lose it. I was consuming so much calories and then starving, over exercising and laxative abuse.

I actually maintained my weight, but i had the LOWEST self esteem, i had to quit my jobs because it was around food and i would eat it and cry. And have serious heart problems because of laxatives. In late November i weighed myself to my surprise i weighed the same, i still thought i was obese at 123 pounds. I thought to myself everyday 'I WILL BE 100 POUNDS' I refused to go to a holiday with my family because it was on the beach. I had the house to myself, i thought now i could really be in control and not be tempted by mums junk food. I threw away every single food in the house. But i couldn't get to bed one day because of hunger. So i decided to binge. I've realised because of this, my binges are very mental. Nothing about taste or emotional problems. I ate DRY PASTA, i ate sugar from the tub. ANYTHING i could find. I ate things that were absolutely disgusting. Unfortunately, i couldn't make up for it. This lasted 3 weeks of serious binging. Easily 5000 cals. I missed out of New years because i was so sad about my weight. I just stayed at home. I wanted to go to university so i could be in control again and move out of home. That's exactly what i did. (Which was 2 months ago), All seemed to be going well, 500 cals, Running one hour a day. I didn't believe the scale when it said i weighed 128 pounds, that was FAR too low for how much i was binging and starving.

Somehow from then and now i have gained 17 pounds. 17 POUNDS!!!!! I weigh 145 pounds now. And i DEFINITELY do. If i thought i looked fat before, imagine now. I quit uni, quit my job, moved back home. I couldn't handle it. I refuse to leave my house, i refuse to see my family and friends. I WON'T see a psychologist because i'm ashamed of someone seeing me at this weight. NONE of my clothes fit me as i threw away my others and i refuse to buy in a bigger size. I'm going overseas in 5 weeks and i really don't want to be at this weight I gained so much weight, by just binging A LOT. And not making up for it, i'd tell myself 'Don't worry you'd make up for it' But i don't. It's like how you say 'Tomorrow i'll start eating healthy' but tomorrow never comes. EXCEPT i'm eating 5000 CALORIES!! I might starve for only one day in the week. I know i can just start eating healthily, but it's so hard for me. I'm very inpatient. But even when i TRY to eat healthy, i BINGE. I read all those binging books, they don't seem to help me.

I'm so angry and upset, i feel like a failure. I'm also upset i've missed out of so much family events because i'm afraid they will think i'm ugly. (I know it's stupid to think this way). I look at old photos of myself and it makes me so sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? E.g. Lost weight, gained it back. Or serious Binging problems?

I think the main reason why you haven't gained much weight when you think you should, is because you're binging because you're starving. Your body's drive to get fuel, from anywhere it can get it, is overwhelming your attempts to control it.

Let's put your numbers into perspective:

With your stats, you need about 1400 calories per day, just for your body to function, and about 1650 just to sit on the couch all day, doing nothing.

You mentioned that your daily caloric intake was 200-500 calories. That means you're depriving your body of about 1000 calories that it needs just to keep you alive, and another 500 or so more to sustain you doing anything. Do that for even a week, and you've created a caloric debt of over 7000 calories.

So, that 5000 calorie binge? That was just to make up for what you deprived your body.

Do that for months, and it's no wonder you can't stop binging, because by this time, your body isn't only looking to balance the caloric equation (calories in = calories out) while trying to delay the inevitable in this situation (maintain body fat for as long as possible, because once that's gone, if no food source has been found, it's game over), but it's also trying to replenish nutrient stores. After several months of starving yourself, and probably eating crap food with few micronutrients, your stores of things like Vitamin A, B-12, D, Iron, and other nutrients that the body keeps and stores, are nearly depleted.

Once you do start feeding your body (which is what you're doing when you binge, even if it's weird stuff like plain sugar), it's going to go into "prepare for another famine" mode, and store every extra molecule that it can. That's why you gained some weight. Keep in mind, too, that it's not all fat. In fact, probably around half of that wasn't, but was, instead, water and glycogen (the sugar stores your body uses for things like sprinting and other fast-energy needs).

Also, you are not fat, even now, let alone obese. If you can't or won't see medical help, then every time you start to think negative thoughts about your body, remind yourself of that. Say something like "I am at a healthy weight and am beautiful the way I am." Think about the things you like about yourself.

Another thing - step outside. You said you don't want to leave the house. Why? Because people will see you? Okay, and? I'm not trying to be mean, here, but think about what it is that you're afraid of. Are you afraid of people judging you? If so, again think the positive thoughts - you are beautiful (so if they're going to "judge" you, it will likely be positive). Also, most people are thinking more or less the same thing you are, or they're too wrapped up in their own stuff to care. Even if the only thing you do for a while is sit on your front porch or step (or balcony, or whatever) for 5 minutes, then that's progress (and exposure to sunshine, which will help you make Vitamin D, which will, in turn, help you feel better).

As for food - don't focus on how many calories you eat or how few right now. Instead, focus on nourishing your body. Focus on eating real food - apples, broccoli, steak, fish, carrots, etc. Nutrient rich food that will help you be the healthy you that you deserve to be. Be mindful about your body's signals -- eat when you're hungry, take time to enjoy the food, and stop when you feel full (not necessarily when you think you've "eaten too much," the goal here is to get you healthy again).

That said, there's only so much any of us here can do besides offer suggestions, and getting an appointment with your therapist is the best thing you can do, and they can provide a better, more thorough and customized plan for getting you back to a healthy mindset and relationship with food and yourself.

Actually, for myself i need about 2000 calories sedentary. If i was only having 7000 calories deficit a week, there is no way i would of lost as much as i did. I did consider this theory, that my body was making up for the starving. But it's been 1 YEAR. I only "Starved" for 8-9 weeks. At start yes, i do think that was the case. But that is definitely not the case at the moment, in fact, i think i have an overload of nutrients.

And yes, i don't want people to see me. To think "Ha, i knew she'd gain weight again" or have some kind of self pity for me. Even before i always cared what people thought of me, i was seeing a therapist at that point and i was getting better. But now it's even worse. I am trying to get out, i've actually only left during the dark. But it was a start. I'm also trying my hardest to just focus on healthy foods. Thanks for your post though!

2013sk

Thank you for sharing your story! I think your an amazing beautiful girl!!! Your missing out on so many great things in your life, please see someone who will help you feel alot better!

By now means at your weight are you big, You shouldnt think
about what you used to weigh/look! For now concentrate on getting help or try and talk tona close family member! Believe me once you open up to someone, you will feel sooooooooooo much better ????????????????

I wish you luck & a happy life, your so young you have your whole life ahead of you!

Xxxxxxxxx big hugs xxxxxxx

kuolo

Restricting food intake can lead to binge eating that doesn't stop when you are no longer restricting. Bulimia is usually triggered by a diet or restriction of some kind, especially in young people as your brain is more likely to respond to the threat of starvation in a certain way when you're young. Bulimia includes activities like laxative abuse, restriction or exercise to compensate for a binge, you don't have to be throwing up to be bulimic.

You have a serious eating disorder, you need to get help with this as soon as you can. It's not just the eating is your associated thought patterns and behaviours. Get in touch with the relevant eating disorder association in your country and ask them for advice. Go to the doctor and get on that waiting list. Read self help books. Talk to your local community mental health team if you're in the uk. It doesn't sound like your family realise the seriousness of your situation. This is not going to go away on its own.

However, with appropriate support and your own hard work you can and will get through this. Eating disorders of any kind are very destructive and consuming, your feelings and behaviours around it are not unusual, but you can recover, especially if you get help sooner rather than later.

I went through something not that different to what you are experiencing at a similar age to you. It's how you deal with it now that's important. I hope things get better for you soon.

_HeartsOnFire_

What is ACE?
Thank you,

Jul7312

gypsy_spirit

What is ACE?
Thank you,

Jul7312

Someone cleaned this thread overnight. :drinker:

sheshe32

I was you at the same age. I looked ok, so no one really knew my torment. Do you have a close friend or sibling? I agree you need some therapy of some sort. I'm now 17 years down the track and never had help. I am obese but struggle everyday still with the starvation or binging or binge/purge. So because I never had help, I still struggle. I really feel for you. I hear you about not wanting to be around people, people seeing you, thinking they are judging you. I had a family member come here recently and go on about how worried he was about my weight snd the the had never seen me so big. That when I was younger I looked great... I got mad snd said, well I was sick! Without mentioning it's still happening off and on even though I am bigger now. The pain is so hard to get past to be/feel healthy again.

Please get help. You are amazing. If you don't get it now, it will always be a struggle. Add me if you wish or feel free to message me if you just need to chat. Take care x

TDKAPS

I was you at the same age. I looked ok, so no one really knew my torment. Do you have a close friend or sibling? I agree you need some therapy of some sort. I'm now 17 years down the track and never had help. I am obese but struggle everyday still with the starvation or binging or binge/purge. So because I never had help, I still struggle. I really feel for you. I hear you about not wanting to be around people, people seeing you, thinking they are judging you. I had a family member come here recently and go on about how worried he was about my weight snd the the had never seen me so big. That when I was younger I looked great... I got mad snd said, well I was sick! Without mentioning it's still happening off and on even though I am bigger now. The pain is so hard to get past to be/feel healthy again.

Please get help. You are amazing. If you don't get it now, it will always be a struggle. Add me if you wish or feel free to message me if you just need to chat. Take care x

Wow, that sucks I feel for you also. It sucks how people don't realise how much their comments hurt.
I will get help but since i have to wait, i'm just going to find other people to at least try and talk to about it..
Thanks for your support x

Paveenag

I highly suggest you research something called If It Fits In Your Macros (iifym). This is what helped me to stop binging. Every day, you log your food and have a set amount of carbs, fats, and protein to reach before going to bed. You do NOT restrict! As long as you're hitting your macros every day, you can eat as you please (try to make it at least 70% healthy/clean foods and the rest is any kind of fun foods you desire ) Its just important to stay within your carbs and fat grams for the day.

You should be eating WAY WAY more than 800 calories.. Sure its very possible to lose weight that way but you have experience with that and went back to binging didn't you? IIFYM is a LIFESTYLE, not a temporary diet plan!

Calculate your daily macronutrients on iifym.com and pick "maintain" as your goal, I wouldn't do the "weight loss" but it's up to you.

Don't count the calories, count the carbs fats and protein It'll help, I promise

michellelipton16

BEEN THERE! And everywhere else. I was bulimic, then anorexic, and a compulsive overexerciser and although I never binged without throwing up, I still managed to gain significant weight at certain times and it was terrible. I'm the same height as you and I'd venture to say I got close to 160 (I wouldn't look at a scale but I was in a size 12!!!) after being 115 for a long time (and that's TINY on me, my body fat was only 9.6%). I STRUGGLE with this, even now that I'm back in a size zero because I have experienced the weight gain, the out of control eating, etc. Even though I ended up anorexic again recently, I was basically starving myself, working out like 3-4 hours a day and absolutely stuck at 140 lbs. That's not huge for us, but if you want to be skinny, that's your choice and whatever the number says, if you're uncomfortable, it's your feeling. I got to Anorexic and Bulimic Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous all the time. I have a sponsor who is skinny as a rail and she's a compulsive eater and anorexic. Lots of girls in OA are thin and lots of girls in ABA are not. One theory that might help you is that sugar and flour are addictive and abstaining from them will prevent cravings. I know I need LOTS of ongoing support and I still don't do my food plan correctly (it's part of our recovery program). My sponsor would kick my butt if she saw what I was eating but I am hitting my macros and eating more calories than I ever have. Please feel free to send me a message if you want to talk more or need advice. A therapist is good, but I have had dozens, been to 10 rehabs, and the 12 step program seems to work the best. Plus it's alot cheaper to go to a meeting than a therapist, especially if you need to go alot and you'll meet tons of people you can relate to. I hope to hear from you and I'll be thinking of you. Get it under control now. I'm 28 and have had an ED since I was 10!

patriciapowerswilliamson

Wall of text...

ljmena

Hello, OP!

Lady, my heart goes out to you and the struggle that you are undergoing right now. Where you are now and the road to recovering is rough, but so worth it. From your responses I can see that you are a fighter, and you are already taking so many good steps to begin getting rid of these thoughts!

I wrote a lot...so if you only read one thing, read point number 2.

I'm a binge eater/bulimic myself (since I was 15...I'm currently 26). I am largely recovered, but I relapse every now and again when life goes unexpectedly (currently in the middle of a relapse at the moment). I mention this because there are a few things that I have learned through all of this that I would like to share with you to think on, maybe. I do and use everything that I mention below.

1. You likely know, but the binging and restricting is all a symptom of underlying issues. From your responses, it seems as though depression and OCD are some things you have struggled with. So while I know thoughts of your body and food are overwhelming your brain at the moment, they are symptoms of the other issues. Definitely get your health in order, but to be able to maintain your progress, consider what those other issues are and address those as well. Whenever I relapse, as I have now, I realize that there is something sitting in my mind that is bothering me that I need to address. The disorder is the last (and rather overpowering) sign of inward stress.

2. Have compassion toward yourself. I can't stress this enough. You are going to trip up. You won't be "perfect" every day (...or many days sometimes). Compassion is not saying "It's fine that I'm doing this." Compassion is recognizing that you are distressed and wanting to help yourself to do better in the next moment, the next day, and so on. Have endless compassion for yourself.

3. As everyone recommends, if you can get counseling, that truly is best. It doesn't even have to be specifically an eating disorder counselor, if seeing one who specializes in it takes too long to fit in their schedule. Any counseling will help you begin to really learn and address what is swirling in your head that makes you turn to food and weight to distract and numb yourself.

4. Practical suggestions: Get as much rest as possible as your body is quite taxed at the moment. Rest will help your thinking and can assist in alleviating some binge behavior. Recognize the times of day or stresses that cause your binge behavior, and try to rest or sleep instead. It's pretty much just an avoidance tactic, but sometimes, that's all you can do. Also, try to set up a simple task (that is in no way related to food or exercise) that you have to do before you eat anything. Such as read two pages of any book, write a paragraph or two of whatever is in your mind, or just sit still for one minute. This may not prevent the binge at first, but if you do this consistently, it will begin to really increase your awareness and gives you this small moment to realize what you are about to do and possibly deviate from the intended.

5. Projecting thoughts is the hardest part of getting out and being around people. You imagine what others are thinking (They knew I would "fail". They are looking at me because I am "fat". They are thinking why can't I "control" myself.), and this paralyzes you into not going out. You figure if they don't see you, then they won't "think" those things at all. So, let's ignore the fact that they aren't thinking these things. But you are thinking them. If you are alone, or if you are with people, you are thinking them. Being alone doesn't stop these thoughts, but at least being with people can create memories, support, enjoyment, and life experiences. Going out will still be super overwhelming, but if you feel a bit stronger on any given day, and think about this line of reasoning, sometimes it's that extra nudge to get you out the door, especially since it sounds like you miss your family.

6. Some possible good news! As difficult as this is now, you are going to come out of this with so much more self-awareness, particularly for being 19. You will realize just how strong a person you are, and you will learn what motivates you and how you can best handle situations in life. The disorder is awful, the journey is hard (and possibly quite long...which is why compassion is important...you'll burn yourself out otherwise), but you are going to have some pretty cool realizations along the way, and you'll realize that you're a really cool human being.

I have the utmost hope for you and your future. You are beautiful in every way, and food and weight have nothing to do with that. I know you'll be able to go back to school! And have a job! Life is full of interesting challenges, and there are so many ways to grow. It seems like you really want all of this, and reaching out was a great idea.

Take care, my friend! You are welcome to message me any time if you have a question or just some thoughts to get out.