Wow...Really? *VENT*

xochristianna

I just got off the phone with my mom...

A little back story, at least once a year for the last 9 years (even before I was overweight) my mom would sit me down and have a conversation about my weight. She has always said that because I am overweight, I will have trouble finding a job, or appearing professional, or having children, or finding a husband, the list goes on and on. She always says it's because she wants me to be healthy and have the best of everything in life...but recently our talks have gotten even more offensive...

The other day she called me and said "I think you know what I want to talk to you about" so I said "Yes, and I'm working on it, so I'd rather we not discuss" and she said "Well...are you doing anything about it?!". When I tried to explain that these conversations were more hindering to my well-being than helpful, she got defensive and said something along the lines of "Well don't you dare blame this on me!".

Needless to say, that conversation didn't go well for either of us. I don't know how to explain to her that these conversations are really hurtful to me, and not at all helpful even if it's done under the guise of love and concern.

Again, tonight, I spoke to her, and I mentioned we would be at the same event tomorrow. She actually had the audacity, after the painful conversation we had last week to say "Well...make sure you look nice." As if I would show up dressed in a trash bag or something. It is just so frustrating to hear her constantly be so critical of my appearance.

As a point of reference, I am a size 14. While nowhere near where I would like to be in terms of weight/dress size, I don't think I have any problems looking put together/professional.

*End rant*

Nt2Badhuh

Wow... Im sorry that you have been dealing with that. Im a size 13 and it can be very tough to let comments like that roll off you when they are coming from someone who having support from would be such a plus. Trust me I get it. It is hard to try to get someone to see how hurtful they are especially if theyve been doing it for so long and even more frustrating when you dont understand HOW THEY CANT SEE how hurtful those comments are...

rlengland2014

Wow. You know that she's our of control, in your mind at least. It's hard to not feel it on your heart. Hold your head up, you can do this!

janupshaw

Wow, rude! Is your mom a perfect size 5, or what? Whatever happened to loving you for who you are?? You have every right to be mad/frustruated/hurt by these actions.

Catfriend25

I'm really sorry that Your mother is saying rude and unkind things to You. She should support You and tell You that You look beautiful. For one You are her daughter for two it's what's on the inside that matters (okay easier said than done, I know!) I hope You have fun at the event and I KNOW that You will look stunning! Hugs! Good for You for starting on Your journey of health and fitness!

Sinisterly

She sounds just as lovely as my mother.

MelsAuntie

You are very pretty and you look GREAT, and forgive me, your mom is being an a**hole.

BinaryPulsar

I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss

hurleycutie142

omg i know what ur talking about!!! my mom and grandma used to say the same **** to me... i used to be thin (well 130) and they would make comments like wow ur getting fat and no one is going to marry u... blah blah blah... i had made a comment one day saying "what i cant find a man that loves me for me? if i marry a man that only loves me for my looks ill be i. the same situation that u too are in." u gotta talk to her. and if she doesnt care about what ur saying its time to sit down and look at the bigger picture... dont u want positive people in ur life? why dont u ask her what being in ur life means to her? because her comments r going to mess up ur goals... stay positive and use her stupid comments as motivation... everytime i get tired on the treadmill i think of there stupid comments and it pushes me to the point where i left all my sadness on that treadmill... just be open and honest...

GodMomKim

I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss

THIS!!!!
I have not read this book;
But my mom is yours on steroids - mine has been telling me that I am fat and ugly for as long as I can remember - I am currently down 13 lbs (lowest I have been in 10+ years) and at Easter she asked - at my house in front of all the guests - So how much more have you gained now? in that yucky sarcastic voice... The saving grace is I have done the counseling work I needed to be able to laugh at her and say well, lets see; this year - I have gained a new dog, a new tree, some new friends... at this point I just stopped talking and moved over to visit with other people. She is my mother and I respect her for that I would not be here without her - but my friends are my family and I turn to others for love and support - Does it hurt sure, do I wish it was different, sure - Will I let her define me NO.

Good luck getting through this - there are plenty cheering you on.

PS yes my mom was a working model and at 85 years old is still a perfect size 2.

hurleycutie142

I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss

THIS!!!!
I have not read this book;
But my mom is yours on steroids - mine has been telling me that I am fat and ugly for as long as I can remember - I am currently down 13 lbs (lowest I have been in 10+ years) and at Easter she asked - at my house in front of all the guests - So how much more have you gained now? in that yucky sarcastic voice... The saving grace is I have done the counseling work I needed to be able to laugh at her and say well, lets see; this year - I have gained a new dog, a new tree, some new friends... at this point I just stopped talking and moved over to visit with other people. She is my mother and I respect her for that I would not be here without her - but my friends are my family and I turn to others for love and support - Does it hurt sure, do I wish it was different, sure - Will I let her define me NO.

Good luck getting through this - there are plenty cheering you on.

PS yes my mom was a working model and at 85 years old is still a perfect size 2.

wow i feel ur pain... if shes not proud of u for how good ur doing know that a complete stranger is... its hard work and dedication to lose 10 pounds... u should be very proud...

besaro

im 48 and still have the same relationship with my mom. she told me to get a pretty top for an upcoming funeral because "theres gonna be alot of people who you havent seen in a while and you want to look nice." lol the sooner you accept she is who she is and is never gonna give what you want/need the better off you will be.

HerkMeOff

Read this book.

ezloshead

Of course, because if she's never struggled with weight then the people who do struggle are just dysfunctional. Why can't everyone just be as perfect as her.
I'm sorry OP. You're really gonna have to detach. She can't understand this battle and obviously won't try to.

hurleycutie142

Read this book.

im drfinitely going to buy this book

kuolo

Wow that sounds horrible, sorry you have to deal with that.

You said you don't know how to tell her how hurtful you find it, if you want her to know maybe you could write a letter or show her this thread/your post?

Just a thought, as it sounds like it's not getting any better and you can do all the 'work' in the world but if the other person is being awful and you need to maintain the relationship sometimes the other person needs to see the effect of their behaviour.

Sorry not got much more to offer you than my sympathy! :flowerforyou:

Jestinia

Being a size 14 shouldn't hinder any of your life goals. If you believe the crap your poor delusional mom is pouring into your ear, however, that might hinder you.

jabrat

Know the feeling - now I'm too skinny - went through that

2013sk

A size 14 ... Omg that's nothing!!!

Your mum needs to take a chill pill!!

I think you should book a date in the diary, Take her out for lunch/ girly pamper and talk about how you feel. How her comments are really getting you down & probably not helping your weight loss.

I think once she gets it in her head... She WILL back off!!!

Maybe go for a swim together/ cook healthy meals together... Get her involved in your life, spend more time together?

Im really close with my mum, but sometimes she does say some things that REALLY PISS ME OFF......... I still love her though!

Mums are mums, they will always care & worry about us! xx

BTW - I posted a thread a while back about my mum moaning about my muscles & getting like Jodie Marsh... I don't know if you can pick it up on here???? Similar sort of thing! Peoples comments were like... Your an adult, do what YOU want etc!!

Same sort of thing!! x

xochristianna

Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!

BinaryPulsar

Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!

Good for you! I know it isn't always easy, but your life will be better because of it. I struggled in my relationship with my mother for years. I'm sorry that your mother has treated you this way. Now you can move forward in your own life and have a different kind of relationship with your mother. It's time for her to let you go, even though she won't get that.

cholepapi

Huh????? I thought she would be saying more in the lines of our family has big health issues and concerned about you......but oh no.....if your a bigger gal there is nothing good for you......For real? If I were you I would have said " I love my weight and I'm going to be like this....and I never want to talk about it again and if I want to loose weight I'll do it when I want and for me".. ........my sister is close to 400 lbs and her husband is 175, has three kids and has a job.......so blah.....she doesn't want to loose weight....**** that's her life......just as it is your life to choose what you want to do with it......sorry what your mom said made me mad!!!!

Point202

Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!

Thankfully my mom is not at all like this. If I were in your shoes, I think I would do my best to set some healthy boundaries with your mom about this subject. I would start by telling her that her opinion about your weight is not wanted or useful to you, and that you aren't going to listen to it anymore. Then when she starts to bring it up either on the phone or in person, I would say something like, "I told you that I am not going to listen to this any more." Then if she continues to press on, I would hang up or walk away. You might feel bad about shutting her off at first, but not as bad as you would if you get dragged into another "discussion" about the subject.

Sometimes you have to be very obvious with people. If you don't set hard and clear boundaries with regards to how you want to be talked to, she's going to keep pushing the line.

freemystery

This sounds cruel and hurtful, I'm so sorry that your mother made you feel this way.

But if I can show the other side of somebody who behaves in a similar way- just not towards me.

To be clear, this does not defend anything your mother did or excuse it in anyway. Nor do I want to try and explain away or trivialise anything. Playing devil's advocate here.

My younger sister was always bigger than me and our baby sister. When puberty hit, her boobs and butt came in before mine did, I'm five years older than her. Rightly or wrongly, my mother started to worry. I remember my mother worrying that she was indulging my sister's taste for rich foods too much, she saw it as a failure to keep her daughter in shape. She took it personally- it's now 10 years later.


I see both sides, I see her getting angry, frustrated, upset, hurt by my mother's approach to her weight. She is unhappy about her size but does not like walking or going to the gym, she doesn't want to control her eating so she's just getting bigger. She doesn't fit into the outfits she bought at Christmas.

My mother is also angry, frustrated, upset and afraid, worried, helpless. She sees her daughter unhappy, gaining weight against her will. She thinks my sister is too young to be so big, what about when she wants kids? What about her health? What about her happiness? It manifests in ways similar to what you describe, she just says it. "You're getting fat", "Go join a gym", "You can't wear that, it's too small for you"

It's horrible, even I can see this from outside the situation. For my mother watching it happen but saying nothing would be the worst, ducking out of conflict or upset just to not rock the boat when my sister unhappy. Of course she loves her daughter and wants the best for her. She's just useless when it comes to communication skills, tact or empathy.

OP, is your mother in the loop about your diet and exercise plan- you said on the phone she asked what you are doing about it. This sounds horribly like my mum, especially if it was said pretty aggressively. Could you possibly share your progress with her, ask what exactly it is that upsets her about your weight that she focuses on it so much. Ask her why she worries, listen to her anxiety and clue her into what you're doing. If she says something hurtful just tell her that it's not helpful because she is behaving like she is working against you. Does she mean it to be hurtful? Is she trying to shock you into a response she's happy with? Or is she just being really obtuse and tactless when she speaks with you? You're her daughter, do you believe she is trying to have this effect on you... and if she is maybe it's time to cut those apron strings and put some distance between you. Just be sure to tell her why you're doing it.

I don't know if it's right but I hate to make enemies out of my family, I don't see eye-to-eye with my dad for example but I prefer to think that we're looking at life though different lenses rather than dividing us into "good guy" and "bad guy" teams. We still have things we can connect over... some people it's more things and others it's less.

sfbaumgarten

As someone with her own mommy/weight loss problems, all I can say is that I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I really hope it gets better for you :flowerforyou:

csk0018

It's better to focus on those who will support you on your journey. My mom is like your mom. It makes you just want to gain weight in spite of them, you know? I realized I needed to lose weight for me -- not for anyone else. Even when I started losing weight -- my mom wouldn't be proud -- she'd just say, "well you wouldn't have to lose this weight if you didn't gain it to begin with." Now that is hurtful. But I kept on trucking along. My mom and I are really close -- but we don't talk much about my weight loss because it's a sore subject. I think she also doesn't say anything because I've been losing, too. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I still have a long way to go and I plan on just keeping my journey to myself when I'm around her.

msunat97

You look great in your pics...keep working hard on your diet & exercise. Maybe you need to tell her you can't talk b/c you're at the gym or something...ignore her for a while. Focus on yourself.

cindagrif

You are not alone!

PJimster

I have certain rules in life concerning conversations such as "I won't argue things with someone who is inebriated" or "If someone is verbally abusive I will end the conversation."

I would suggest telling your mother, if she phones and wants to talk about your weight that you have a rule that you will not talk about your weight with her. If she asks why you are bringing that up, tell her that then she knows why you are saying goodbye.

SDkitty

My mother is a very toxic person so I understand your pain. The list below (From: http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/2013/02/100-traits-of-toxic-person.html) I put on my mirror at home so that whenever we would speak I would look at it and remember that it wasn't all my fault. It helped a lot

"Toxic people wreck your life. A toxic person causes pain, confusion and turmoil in the lives of those around him or her. We're all connected, so their toxic relational styles flows like poison into your heart, mind and soul. The sad part is that when it happens, when we don't know our worth, we blame ourselves.

Not everyone is friend-worthy. I've learned that if someone hurts me, disrespects me or dishonors me, that that person is not safe for me. I may love that person, but so long as they are toxic, they are not healthy for me and therefore must be pushed away or avoided altogether. It is recommended that you steer completely clear of all toxic people--UNLESS--there is no other recourse: ie: it's your mom, dad, co-worker or boss. Some toxic people must be dealt with, but when you can--RUN.

They have grandiose air about them, boasting and bragging about how wonderful that they are.
Flatter you by giving you an inordinate amount of attention, money or time early-on in the relationship.
Cannot admit faults or flaws. Says, "I don't have any," and means it seriously.
Not true to values and norms of society; lacking character.
Disrespect you, do not return your call(s), ignore you, avoid you.
Refuse to deal with issues in the relationship that you bring up.
Blame you when you're upset because of something they did to you.
Overly agreeable at first.
Try to make you feel guilty when you're concerned over something they did to disrespect you.
Mimic you.
Put you down.
Blames world for their problems.
Show up late for appointments or cancel at the last minute.
Expect you to always come to them, rather than give-and-take.
Does not listen to your concerns about the relationship or interactions.
They are actively addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc...
They need an inordinate amount of attention or high regard from those around them.
They are continually worried about position or rank.
They are overly competitive.
They put you down in any way.
Try to make you envious by rubbing your nose in their good fortune.
Seem to be envious of you.
Set-up outings with your other friends without inviting you.
Try to create triangles by involving 3rd parties into your disagreements.
Talk behind your back or gossip about others.
Continually down, depressed and having catastrophes.
Try to leave you out of the crowd.
Refuse to acknowledge your needs.
Fail to look you in the eye when you're talking. (Look over your shoulder at others instead.)
Lack compassion for what you're going through.
Refuse to share about themselves equally.
Label you or stereotype you.
Refuse to acknowledge mistakes.
Refuse to apologize for wrongs.
Acts entitled to special treatment.
Manipulative.
Tells lies, exaggerates constantly.
Down plays your accomplishments.
By your side when you're down, then withdraws from you when you're doing well.
Defensive about everything you do.
Refuse to validate your perception of reality.
Attempt to tell you how you feel or tell you how you are.
Constantly criticizing.
Acts like they worship the ground you walk on one day, then like you don't exist the next.
Makes you feel worthless.
Orders you or bosses you around.
Is overly reliant on parents or another person.
Won't go out of their way for you, even when you go out of your way for them.
Ignore your texts, emails or calls at any time. (Big sign of disrespect!)
Does not support you.
Belittles your ambitions.
Speaks negatively about your friends, job, life.
Acts like he or she is always in a hurry, with very little time for you.
Acts as though he or she is doing you a favor by talking to you or listening to you.
Treats you as less than if you do not prescribe to their dogma, religion or doctrine.
Talks bad about those who are mentally ill, sick or hurting.
Tries to turn you into their administrative assistant (call to remind me, pick-up my cleaning).
Confusing attitudes that change day-by-day.
Does not keep word.
Seems to be more interested in power than in relationship.
Seems to be more concerned about what others think than about your relationship.
Treats you as though he or she is angry, without giving explanation.
Knowingly makes comments that are contrary to your convictions.
Tries to change you.
Insults your body, clothing, personality or anything about you.
Not available when you need him or her most.
Cannot talk about anything other than surface, materialistic or vain topics.
Does not share information with you that they have that may help you excel in life.
Constantly complains or whines.
Has anger issues, rages, hates.
Plays games.
Judgmental
Continues to ask the same question after you've told them you don't want to answer it.
Chews you out for no reason.
Controlling
Uses money or flattery to control you.
Tells you what to do, how to think, what to feel.
Tells you one thing, then denies she said it.
Brings up your faults, flaws or past mistakes.
Brings up topics every time you see them that they know you'd rather not discuss.
Blows up, flies off handle for no reason.
Always needs to be in the center of attention.
Cool toward you when you succeed, get attention or look good.
Taker
Challenges everything you say.
Negative
Black or white thinking - no gray area.
Moves too fast, wants to become instant friends, lovers, in relationship.
Ignores your boundaries.
Exploits you.
Idealizes you.
Acts pompous towards you.
Acts condescending towards you.
Agrees with your adversaries instead of supporting you.
Acts like they know more than you, better than you about what you need to do in your life.
Bitter, vindictive or vengeful.
Selfish, stingy.
Rushes you.
Withholds affection
Kicks you when you're down.

A toxic person can be anyone. A friend, a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a boss or a co-worker. No matter who it is that is toxic in your life, you must set up strong boundaries against them, and potentially remove yourself from their life. You cannot change them. The tactics of a toxic person siphons away your self-esteem. Life is too short to be depleted by another person. You need all of yourself possible to live your life and grow as a person."

farfromthetree

Well, I think you are absolutely adorable!