Wow...Really? *VENT*
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I am soooo sorry
I can relate. At 17 my dad told me I was "at the point of no return" with my weight and needed to get it in check. He got me my first gym membership at 14. I wasn't even overweight then. To this day I know the constant comments and nick picks is why I went straight for the food for comfort.
Parents can be beyond harsh yet, in their mind they are "helping"0 -
My mother is extremely supportive, so I am not coming from a place of complete understanding here. But regardless of her support, she often lets HER opinions outweigh my own. It's a common pathology in MOST people - most of us, if put on a spectrum that looks like this
NARCISSISM |
(center)
| COMPLETE SELFLESSNESS
would be slightly left of center, in the shallow end of narcissistic.
Growing up, my mom always had something to say about my appearance. "Boys will like you when you slim up", "shorts aren't flattering on you because you don't have nice knees", etc. I've mostly learned to tune her out, but I've also had to learn to speak up and tell her that my appearance isn't an arena where I'd like her unsolicited input. These days, a firm "I don't care about how you feel about the way I choose to present myself" usually does the trick.0 -
I understand where you are coming from. My mother never intends to bring me down but for most of my life she has always reminded me when I have been, even slightly, overweight. What gets me is, does she think i don't know? I'm well aware of my weight and how my clothes fit. Being reminded by someone constantly is depressing. Especially when that someone has never been overweight and has always been around a size 5.
Lately i have told her to just stop. If she cant say something nice - don't say anything at all. What's funny is that is how she raised me to behave yet sometimes she doesn't take her own advice. Mothers...sigh.0 -
Story of my life. My mother used to randomly come into my room to show off her belly and tell me I should workout to look like her. Mind you, she is also fat just not as fat as me so it isn't like she was some perfect ten model but it didn't stop her from acting like it. She made me run up and down the stairs and always criticized what I ate. In the end her "help" was far more detrimental than anything. Now that I'm an adult she leaves me alone about it but now I'm obsessed with my weight and has tied losing it into happiness. When my insurance kick in I might check out a shrink or something.
I agree with those who say some distance is needed. Wash away the negative and fill your journey with positive energy. If you pick up the phone and she begins talking, just hang up on her. I know it's rude but you have to take responsibility for the energy you bring into your life. If she's going to send something negative then cut it off at the knees.0 -
sometimes people don't understand that what they feel is helpful is can actually be hurtful. When I started my diet this time I was very quite about telling people I don't need people's feed back and negative comments. One of those was my mom who was away for awhile and when she came back saw I was eating differently and asked about it I told her at that time I was down almost 20 lbs she was proud but now won't stop talking about it. She too struggles with weight and always talks about it.
sorry you had to go through this!0 -
Oh, my goodness; I can't believe how some are being treated! Whether Mom's a size 26 or a size 2, no one has the right to treat someone else like that.
I don't have many words of wisdom; trying to "detach" as an earlier poster suggested would be the best I could suggest. But my thoughts go out to you!0 -
well, lets see; this year - I have gained a new dog, a new tree, some new friends... at this point I just stopped talking and moved over to visit with other people.
THIS!! I'm a third generation anorexic. Two of us have recovered, but my grandma is still posting on Facebook about her latest dieting scheme. She's over 70!! Dog save me from pinching inches at that age. Does. Not. Matter.
I'm so sorry your mom is putting you through this. Among other things, she's been conditioned by a society that thinks prejudice against fat people is the last acceptable form of bigotry. It isn't, and you don't have to put up with it. I hope it gets better.0 -
I can relate, my mom is the exact same way. We haven't had a conversation in years that doesn't harp on my weight and that she thinks I must be doing something to stay heavy. She keeps trying to get me to have surgery for it. Its like my own mother cant see me for who I am all she sees is my outside. Sure she claims she wants me healthy, happy and that's her motivation. I don't believe her, because she doesn't want to be seen with me. Recently I have lost about 38 lbs and its showing. We had a dinner the other night and she commented positively how good I was looking and couldn't leave it at that, she had to add in don't touch the bread you don't need that... as if I was hopelessly addicted to food and couldn't control myself or something. It is irritating to say the least and I agree it is very very less than helpful because you almost wanna shove a roll in your mouth out of spite to piss them off. I am doing this for me not what my mother thinks or her approval. I love her but god she can be so superficial about looks all the time. Drives me crazy! Live for you. Tell your mother to stop her comments or you wont speak to her that's what I did and she actually forced herself for about 6 months to stay silence when we spoke lol one word about weight or Dr Oz said do this or that .. click! LOL She got the hint!!!0
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Me, I would be an @ss... I'd explain, each time she calls, that she is, in fact, getting old. That she will no longer look professional etc (whatever she threw at you, I'd throw back) .. that there are things to help with "that" ... maybe.. just MAYBE she'd get the hint.0
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wow if my mom did that. well i probably wouldn't talk to her for a long long time. im sorry girl. you are beautiful and are doing what is right for you and no one else and getting healthy for yourself.0
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I'm no expert so take my advice for what it's worth: if all this is happening via phone, which is how it sounds, you need to nip these conversations in the bud. I know you said above "She can say what she wants" but no, I really don't believe she should have that liberty. Let her know that you are more than happy to chat but your weight will not be a topic of conversation. If she insists, tell her calmly but firmly that you will be happy to talk to her another time about another topic and gently hang up the phone. After a couple of times she will get the picture that you, as an adult, have the right to NOT listen to someone cut you down, even if that person is your mother.0
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My Mom used to do this also. I resolved it by telling my Dad to warn her if she ever mentioned my weight, I would not speak to her. I even paid for them to have a mini-vacation while I was on a business trip, and warned my Mom (through my Dad again) that if she mentioned my weight, I would check her out of the hotel, and pay for her to fly home early by herself.
To be fair, she hasn't mentioned it to me since, but then I don't see her very often, and I am well-aware that she probably gossips endlessly about my weight with my sister (who's always been on the lean side). My sister started doing it by email a couple of years ago (oh, and copying my entire family). I told her to butt out, but I was extremely upset.
I am a very independent person, and I think my family has difficulty relating to the life that I lead. I have built a life together with my husband in a different country and have built my career by myself in a field none of them understand, so we really don't have anything much in common any more, but they act as though I am the same person I was as a child of 15, not a woman of 41. It's terribly sad, but is their problem not mine.
I vote be firm and call the shots by placing boundaries around your interactions.0 -
I'm no expert so take my advice for what it's worth: if all this is happening via phone, which is how it sounds, you need to nip these conversations in the bud. I know you said above "She can say what she wants" but no, I really don't believe she should have that liberty. Let her know that you are more than happy to chat but your weight will not be a topic of conversation. If she insists, tell her calmly but firmly that you will be happy to talk to her another time about another topic and gently hang up the phone. After a couple of times she will get the picture that you, as an adult, have the right to NOT listen to someone cut you down, even if that person is your mother.
Definitely this.0 -
Wow, talk about conditional love. If it were me, I would have drove to her house and punched her after I hung up on her @$$. Good thing for me, my mother lives with us and is very supportive because she's diabetic and could use to lose a few pounds herself.0
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First of all- you look fabulous in your profile picture!
Second- block off negativity - hear her out , nod yes and move on. You don't have be mean or anything- she is your mother , she deserves respect and unconditional love.
I know easier said than done. Good luck!0 -
Wow, talk about conditional love.
Yeah, that's what it is. It is conditional love.0 -
I didn't read everyone else's posts so forgive me if this is repetitive...I had a similar experience with my mother growing up. As a naturally thin person, she did not understand how difficult it was for me to lose weight. I also felt our conversations hindered instead of helped. Only when I was an older teenager did I finally break down and tell my mom that she had ruined a good part of my adolescence with these "talks" of how she was embarrassed to be seen with me in public and that I looked "stuffed" into everything I wore.
My mother and I eventually developed a deep and loving relationship (which I think was always there). She was my best friend from about age 17-age 24, when she passed away. I miss her so much and this time, my journey towards a finally healthy me is in part for her. I hope you and your mother can work it out. I don't regret any part of my past with my mom, as she was working things out for herself as well. People are not perfect and sometimes cannot imagine the pain they inflict upon others. Try to forgive yor mom and continue to work on you, in the way that you know works. When you reach your goal, let it be enough and don't expect anything from her. Hopefully she will come to realize that her ultimate goal for yho should be happiness and self worth, not a number or a size.
Good luck!0 -
A good tailored suit looks good on any size/figure. Period. They call it 'tailored' for a reason.
Next time your mom starts in on how you look change the subject, drastically and unavoidably, to something that highlights her hurtful behavior.
"Did you know that Mothers that constantly criticize their children's appearance are more likely to harbor feelings of inadequacy and suffer from a low self esteem, than those that teach their children that appearances aren't everything? I'm SO glad my Mother taught me the value of a good heart, rather than teaching me to base my value on the waist of my black slacks!"
Or something to that effect.0 -
I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss
Yes, it looks like narcissism. Of course, confrontation on any issue is fruitless. It helps to recognize it really isn't about you, it is because of the other person's issues, which will probably continue.
Another good book on the subject is "Children of the Self-Absorbed A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" by Nina W. Brown.
Also a good book on the general subject of getting other people out of your head is called "Boundaries Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine.
Good luck.0 -
Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!
Exactly. Once you have done EVERYTHING you can, then take care of yourself.
If you are on the phone and she starts in on anything hurtful, say "sorry gotta go" and HANG UP. don't wait for a response.
If you are with her in person - even in the middle of lunch - "oops i forgot i have an appointment. Gotta run". And GO.
REFUSE to engage. She will figure it out and stop.
Or she won't. Either way you won't have to listen to it any more.0 -
My mom is supportive now, but when I was growing up, made food a HUGE issue, which in turn made me a "secret eater" because she was constantly watching every thing I ate. When I would be away overnight like at a friend's or at camp, she would immediately demand to know what I ate at every meal. The secret eating followed me- my husband thinks that I had a metabolism issue because I "didn't eat that much". He never saw how much I actually ate. She is supportive now because she has actually admitted her role in my unhealthy relationship with food, both through counseling and by me being direct with her. Good luck, OP. I feel your pain.0
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You said in your post that your mom tells you that if you do not lose weight you will not be able to find a job or get a husband, but your profile says that you work full time as a project manager and that you are recently married. I think you have already proven your mother wrong.0
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"Well...are you doing anything about it"
I missed the part of where you answered.. well are you?
What are you doing
What are your goals.
See if you have these talking points..then the conversation is only 5min, watch.
Dear your fat, what are you doing about it.
well Mom, I am going to the Gym for 30 min burning 300 calories a day. Reducing my calorie intake to about 500 calories a day.
Its a long process don't expect the results to be over night.
See how quick that was.0 -
My mother is a very toxic person so I understand your pain. The list below (From: http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/2013/02/100-traits-of-toxic-person.html) I put on my mirror at home so that whenever we would speak I would look at it and remember that it wasn't all my fault. It helped a lot
"Toxic people wreck your life. A toxic person causes pain, confusion and turmoil in the lives of those around him or her. We're all connected, so their toxic relational styles flows like poison into your heart, mind and soul. The sad part is that when it happens, when we don't know our worth, we blame ourselves.
Not everyone is friend-worthy. I've learned that if someone hurts me, disrespects me or dishonors me, that that person is not safe for me. I may love that person, but so long as they are toxic, they are not healthy for me and therefore must be pushed away or avoided altogether. It is recommended that you steer completely clear of all toxic people--UNLESS--there is no other recourse: ie: it's your mom, dad, co-worker or boss. Some toxic people must be dealt with, but when you can--RUN.
A toxic person can be anyone. A friend, a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a boss or a co-worker. No matter who it is that is toxic in your life, you must set up strong boundaries against them, and potentially remove yourself from their life. You cannot change them. The tactics of a toxic person siphons away your self-esteem. Life is too short to be depleted by another person. You need all of yourself possible to live your life and grow as a person."
I deleted the list, but I wanted to say thanks. I just saw a side to someone I thought was fast becoming a very good friend that scared the crap out of me. They actually have quite a few qualities on that list. I was waffling as to whether or not to cut ties, but as I've known them only a few months, I was leaning towards saying goodbye. This makes me feel better about my decision.0 -
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I wouldn't even entertain the talks with her, if she called me to talk about my weight I would hang up. Every.Single.Time. Until she got the hint that it was not an acceptable topic.
I wouldn't even look for her at the event tomorrow, I know she is your mother but do you really need that toxic crap in your life? My guess is no.0 -
I've never been overweight but have struggled with my image most of my life....and my mother is a major reason. She made snide little comments about my appearance all the time. The one that stands out the most....overhearing a conversation between her and my aunt discussing how my younger sister with her pretty baby blue eyes and blonde hair was gonna grow up to be a beautiful swan while I was always gonna remain the ugly duckling. Yep, that one hurt.
In recent years, I've learned to let the hurtful comments go and love myself. Am I perfect? Heck no, but I keep a positive attitude and keep chugging away....she cannot hurt me anymore.
You're a beautiful woman. Learn to believe it. 0 -
I completely understand. My mother and Gran are the same way. One time a couple years ago my Gran said "You know.. You have gotten really heavy.. You should consider losing weight. And it would really be nice for you to be attractive enough to get married. And I would really like you to get married before I die so I can be there." This was minutes before she told me I was "Too ugly to look at." Yep. And anytime I stick up for myself and say something like.. you know.. that really hurts.. she gets defensive.
There really isn't an easy solution. But something I have learned is even though it hurts like h.e.double hockey sticks... you just have to remember that it is coming from a good place and they really are trying to help.
My parent's have since nicknamed me the duck in situations like this because I let things roll of my back like they never happened. You just need to let it go one ear and out the other. Try to just let it roll off your back. You will be much happier.
edited for a pretty bad spelling error 0 -
I get it. I grew up with a step-father who constantly told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and a whole lot worse! My mom said to me one day after I told her I was going to have weight loss surgery that she was always more proud of me when I was thin...ugh! She's been gone for 4 years now and that comment still stings. I didn't end up having surgery, I ended up going about it the old fashioned way but I did it for me and NOT for anyone else :happy: Don't let her rather rude and inconsiderate comments get to you and yes I know how hard that is. She is the one with the issues, not you!!!0
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Christiana,
i've had to deal with similar talks with my mom, but it stopped when i told her that the other option for me is to have an eating disorder. I asked if she would rather have me be healthy and overweight or unhealthy and skinny?
I told her that there are plenty of models and skinny people who have very hard lives and there are plenty of overweight people who radiate happiness. It's all about attitude and really, it's about whether or not she wants to support you. I know it's hard, but it comes down to whether or not SHE wants to support YOU. I then left pictures of anorexic women and the problems of bulimia and well... that made her stop saying anything about being thin. Since then, she's been very supportive of me just having a very healthy lifestyle.
I can understand where my mom is coming from. I know that she wants the best for me and wants me to be happy, but it has to be happiness on my terms and that is something that i expressed to her. Maybe i want to spend a year in europe and be an artist and poor? Maybe i want to be single for the rest of my life? Either way, it was how happiness is not transferred and it's something i have to seek on my own, in my own way.
It's your happiness, own it.0
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