Wow...Really? *VENT*

cholepapi

Huh????? I thought she would be saying more in the lines of our family has big health issues and concerned about you......but oh no.....if your a bigger gal there is nothing good for you......For real? If I were you I would have said " I love my weight and I'm going to be like this....and I never want to talk about it again and if I want to loose weight I'll do it when I want and for me".. ........my sister is close to 400 lbs and her husband is 175, has three kids and has a job.......so blah.....she doesn't want to loose weight....**** that's her life......just as it is your life to choose what you want to do with it......sorry what your mom said made me mad!!!!

Point202

Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!

Thankfully my mom is not at all like this. If I were in your shoes, I think I would do my best to set some healthy boundaries with your mom about this subject. I would start by telling her that her opinion about your weight is not wanted or useful to you, and that you aren't going to listen to it anymore. Then when she starts to bring it up either on the phone or in person, I would say something like, "I told you that I am not going to listen to this any more." Then if she continues to press on, I would hang up or walk away. You might feel bad about shutting her off at first, but not as bad as you would if you get dragged into another "discussion" about the subject.

Sometimes you have to be very obvious with people. If you don't set hard and clear boundaries with regards to how you want to be talked to, she's going to keep pushing the line.

freemystery

This sounds cruel and hurtful, I'm so sorry that your mother made you feel this way.

But if I can show the other side of somebody who behaves in a similar way- just not towards me.

To be clear, this does not defend anything your mother did or excuse it in anyway. Nor do I want to try and explain away or trivialise anything. Playing devil's advocate here.

My younger sister was always bigger than me and our baby sister. When puberty hit, her boobs and butt came in before mine did, I'm five years older than her. Rightly or wrongly, my mother started to worry. I remember my mother worrying that she was indulging my sister's taste for rich foods too much, she saw it as a failure to keep her daughter in shape. She took it personally- it's now 10 years later.


I see both sides, I see her getting angry, frustrated, upset, hurt by my mother's approach to her weight. She is unhappy about her size but does not like walking or going to the gym, she doesn't want to control her eating so she's just getting bigger. She doesn't fit into the outfits she bought at Christmas.

My mother is also angry, frustrated, upset and afraid, worried, helpless. She sees her daughter unhappy, gaining weight against her will. She thinks my sister is too young to be so big, what about when she wants kids? What about her health? What about her happiness? It manifests in ways similar to what you describe, she just says it. "You're getting fat", "Go join a gym", "You can't wear that, it's too small for you"

It's horrible, even I can see this from outside the situation. For my mother watching it happen but saying nothing would be the worst, ducking out of conflict or upset just to not rock the boat when my sister unhappy. Of course she loves her daughter and wants the best for her. She's just useless when it comes to communication skills, tact or empathy.

OP, is your mother in the loop about your diet and exercise plan- you said on the phone she asked what you are doing about it. This sounds horribly like my mum, especially if it was said pretty aggressively. Could you possibly share your progress with her, ask what exactly it is that upsets her about your weight that she focuses on it so much. Ask her why she worries, listen to her anxiety and clue her into what you're doing. If she says something hurtful just tell her that it's not helpful because she is behaving like she is working against you. Does she mean it to be hurtful? Is she trying to shock you into a response she's happy with? Or is she just being really obtuse and tactless when she speaks with you? You're her daughter, do you believe she is trying to have this effect on you... and if she is maybe it's time to cut those apron strings and put some distance between you. Just be sure to tell her why you're doing it.

I don't know if it's right but I hate to make enemies out of my family, I don't see eye-to-eye with my dad for example but I prefer to think that we're looking at life though different lenses rather than dividing us into "good guy" and "bad guy" teams. We still have things we can connect over... some people it's more things and others it's less.

sfbaumgarten

As someone with her own mommy/weight loss problems, all I can say is that I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I really hope it gets better for you :flowerforyou:

csk0018

It's better to focus on those who will support you on your journey. My mom is like your mom. It makes you just want to gain weight in spite of them, you know? I realized I needed to lose weight for me -- not for anyone else. Even when I started losing weight -- my mom wouldn't be proud -- she'd just say, "well you wouldn't have to lose this weight if you didn't gain it to begin with." Now that is hurtful. But I kept on trucking along. My mom and I are really close -- but we don't talk much about my weight loss because it's a sore subject. I think she also doesn't say anything because I've been losing, too. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I still have a long way to go and I plan on just keeping my journey to myself when I'm around her.

msunat97

You look great in your pics...keep working hard on your diet & exercise. Maybe you need to tell her you can't talk b/c you're at the gym or something...ignore her for a while. Focus on yourself.

cindagrif

You are not alone!

PJimster

I have certain rules in life concerning conversations such as "I won't argue things with someone who is inebriated" or "If someone is verbally abusive I will end the conversation."

I would suggest telling your mother, if she phones and wants to talk about your weight that you have a rule that you will not talk about your weight with her. If she asks why you are bringing that up, tell her that then she knows why you are saying goodbye.

SDkitty

My mother is a very toxic person so I understand your pain. The list below (From: http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/2013/02/100-traits-of-toxic-person.html) I put on my mirror at home so that whenever we would speak I would look at it and remember that it wasn't all my fault. It helped a lot

"Toxic people wreck your life. A toxic person causes pain, confusion and turmoil in the lives of those around him or her. We're all connected, so their toxic relational styles flows like poison into your heart, mind and soul. The sad part is that when it happens, when we don't know our worth, we blame ourselves.

Not everyone is friend-worthy. I've learned that if someone hurts me, disrespects me or dishonors me, that that person is not safe for me. I may love that person, but so long as they are toxic, they are not healthy for me and therefore must be pushed away or avoided altogether. It is recommended that you steer completely clear of all toxic people--UNLESS--there is no other recourse: ie: it's your mom, dad, co-worker or boss. Some toxic people must be dealt with, but when you can--RUN.

They have grandiose air about them, boasting and bragging about how wonderful that they are.
Flatter you by giving you an inordinate amount of attention, money or time early-on in the relationship.
Cannot admit faults or flaws. Says, "I don't have any," and means it seriously.
Not true to values and norms of society; lacking character.
Disrespect you, do not return your call(s), ignore you, avoid you.
Refuse to deal with issues in the relationship that you bring up.
Blame you when you're upset because of something they did to you.
Overly agreeable at first.
Try to make you feel guilty when you're concerned over something they did to disrespect you.
Mimic you.
Put you down.
Blames world for their problems.
Show up late for appointments or cancel at the last minute.
Expect you to always come to them, rather than give-and-take.
Does not listen to your concerns about the relationship or interactions.
They are actively addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc...
They need an inordinate amount of attention or high regard from those around them.
They are continually worried about position or rank.
They are overly competitive.
They put you down in any way.
Try to make you envious by rubbing your nose in their good fortune.
Seem to be envious of you.
Set-up outings with your other friends without inviting you.
Try to create triangles by involving 3rd parties into your disagreements.
Talk behind your back or gossip about others.
Continually down, depressed and having catastrophes.
Try to leave you out of the crowd.
Refuse to acknowledge your needs.
Fail to look you in the eye when you're talking. (Look over your shoulder at others instead.)
Lack compassion for what you're going through.
Refuse to share about themselves equally.
Label you or stereotype you.
Refuse to acknowledge mistakes.
Refuse to apologize for wrongs.
Acts entitled to special treatment.
Manipulative.
Tells lies, exaggerates constantly.
Down plays your accomplishments.
By your side when you're down, then withdraws from you when you're doing well.
Defensive about everything you do.
Refuse to validate your perception of reality.
Attempt to tell you how you feel or tell you how you are.
Constantly criticizing.
Acts like they worship the ground you walk on one day, then like you don't exist the next.
Makes you feel worthless.
Orders you or bosses you around.
Is overly reliant on parents or another person.
Won't go out of their way for you, even when you go out of your way for them.
Ignore your texts, emails or calls at any time. (Big sign of disrespect!)
Does not support you.
Belittles your ambitions.
Speaks negatively about your friends, job, life.
Acts like he or she is always in a hurry, with very little time for you.
Acts as though he or she is doing you a favor by talking to you or listening to you.
Treats you as less than if you do not prescribe to their dogma, religion or doctrine.
Talks bad about those who are mentally ill, sick or hurting.
Tries to turn you into their administrative assistant (call to remind me, pick-up my cleaning).
Confusing attitudes that change day-by-day.
Does not keep word.
Seems to be more interested in power than in relationship.
Seems to be more concerned about what others think than about your relationship.
Treats you as though he or she is angry, without giving explanation.
Knowingly makes comments that are contrary to your convictions.
Tries to change you.
Insults your body, clothing, personality or anything about you.
Not available when you need him or her most.
Cannot talk about anything other than surface, materialistic or vain topics.
Does not share information with you that they have that may help you excel in life.
Constantly complains or whines.
Has anger issues, rages, hates.
Plays games.
Judgmental
Continues to ask the same question after you've told them you don't want to answer it.
Chews you out for no reason.
Controlling
Uses money or flattery to control you.
Tells you what to do, how to think, what to feel.
Tells you one thing, then denies she said it.
Brings up your faults, flaws or past mistakes.
Brings up topics every time you see them that they know you'd rather not discuss.
Blows up, flies off handle for no reason.
Always needs to be in the center of attention.
Cool toward you when you succeed, get attention or look good.
Taker
Challenges everything you say.
Negative
Black or white thinking - no gray area.
Moves too fast, wants to become instant friends, lovers, in relationship.
Ignores your boundaries.
Exploits you.
Idealizes you.
Acts pompous towards you.
Acts condescending towards you.
Agrees with your adversaries instead of supporting you.
Acts like they know more than you, better than you about what you need to do in your life.
Bitter, vindictive or vengeful.
Selfish, stingy.
Rushes you.
Withholds affection
Kicks you when you're down.

A toxic person can be anyone. A friend, a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a boss or a co-worker. No matter who it is that is toxic in your life, you must set up strong boundaries against them, and potentially remove yourself from their life. You cannot change them. The tactics of a toxic person siphons away your self-esteem. Life is too short to be depleted by another person. You need all of yourself possible to live your life and grow as a person."

farfromthetree

Well, I think you are absolutely adorable!

megans1980

I am soooo sorry

I can relate. At 17 my dad told me I was "at the point of no return" with my weight and needed to get it in check. He got me my first gym membership at 14. I wasn't even overweight then. To this day I know the constant comments and nick picks is why I went straight for the food for comfort.

Parents can be beyond harsh yet, in their mind they are "helping"

themeaningofthemorning

My mother is extremely supportive, so I am not coming from a place of complete understanding here. But regardless of her support, she often lets HER opinions outweigh my own. It's a common pathology in MOST people - most of us, if put on a spectrum that looks like this

NARCISSISM |

---

(center)

---

| COMPLETE SELFLESSNESS

would be slightly left of center, in the shallow end of narcissistic.

Growing up, my mom always had something to say about my appearance. "Boys will like you when you slim up", "shorts aren't flattering on you because you don't have nice knees", etc. I've mostly learned to tune her out, but I've also had to learn to speak up and tell her that my appearance isn't an arena where I'd like her unsolicited input. These days, a firm "I don't care about how you feel about the way I choose to present myself" usually does the trick.

teeya1984

I understand where you are coming from. My mother never intends to bring me down but for most of my life she has always reminded me when I have been, even slightly, overweight. What gets me is, does she think i don't know? I'm well aware of my weight and how my clothes fit. Being reminded by someone constantly is depressing. Especially when that someone has never been overweight and has always been around a size 5.

Lately i have told her to just stop. If she cant say something nice - don't say anything at all. What's funny is that is how she raised me to behave yet sometimes she doesn't take her own advice. Mothers...sigh.

rochrok

Story of my life. My mother used to randomly come into my room to show off her belly and tell me I should workout to look like her. Mind you, she is also fat just not as fat as me so it isn't like she was some perfect ten model but it didn't stop her from acting like it. She made me run up and down the stairs and always criticized what I ate. In the end her "help" was far more detrimental than anything. Now that I'm an adult she leaves me alone about it but now I'm obsessed with my weight and has tied losing it into happiness. When my insurance kick in I might check out a shrink or something.

I agree with those who say some distance is needed. Wash away the negative and fill your journey with positive energy. If you pick up the phone and she begins talking, just hang up on her. I know it's rude but you have to take responsibility for the energy you bring into your life. If she's going to send something negative then cut it off at the knees.

adstott

sometimes people don't understand that what they feel is helpful is can actually be hurtful. When I started my diet this time I was very quite about telling people I don't need people's feed back and negative comments. One of those was my mom who was away for awhile and when she came back saw I was eating differently and asked about it I told her at that time I was down almost 20 lbs she was proud but now won't stop talking about it. She too struggles with weight and always talks about it.

sorry you had to go through this!

CynthiaT60

Oh, my goodness; I can't believe how some are being treated! Whether Mom's a size 26 or a size 2, no one has the right to treat someone else like that.
I don't have many words of wisdom; trying to "detach" as an earlier poster suggested would be the best I could suggest. But my thoughts go out to you!

Braincatcher

well, lets see; this year - I have gained a new dog, a new tree, some new friends... at this point I just stopped talking and moved over to visit with other people.

THIS!! I'm a third generation anorexic. Two of us have recovered, but my grandma is still posting on Facebook about her latest dieting scheme. She's over 70!! Dog save me from pinching inches at that age. Does. Not. Matter.

I'm so sorry your mom is putting you through this. Among other things, she's been conditioned by a society that thinks prejudice against fat people is the last acceptable form of bigotry. It isn't, and you don't have to put up with it. I hope it gets better.

littlelaura

I can relate, my mom is the exact same way. We haven't had a conversation in years that doesn't harp on my weight and that she thinks I must be doing something to stay heavy. She keeps trying to get me to have surgery for it. Its like my own mother cant see me for who I am all she sees is my outside. Sure she claims she wants me healthy, happy and that's her motivation. I don't believe her, because she doesn't want to be seen with me. Recently I have lost about 38 lbs and its showing. We had a dinner the other night and she commented positively how good I was looking and couldn't leave it at that, she had to add in don't touch the bread you don't need that... as if I was hopelessly addicted to food and couldn't control myself or something. It is irritating to say the least and I agree it is very very less than helpful because you almost wanna shove a roll in your mouth out of spite to piss them off. I am doing this for me not what my mother thinks or her approval. I love her but god she can be so superficial about looks all the time. Drives me crazy! Live for you. Tell your mother to stop her comments or you wont speak to her that's what I did and she actually forced herself for about 6 months to stay silence when we spoke lol one word about weight or Dr Oz said do this or that .. click! LOL She got the hint!!!

kr1stadee

Me, I would be an @ss... I'd explain, each time she calls, that she is, in fact, getting old. That she will no longer look professional etc (whatever she threw at you, I'd throw back) .. that there are things to help with "that" ... maybe.. just MAYBE she'd get the hint.

scarrletti_girl

wow if my mom did that. well i probably wouldn't talk to her for a long long time. im sorry girl. you are beautiful and are doing what is right for you and no one else and getting healthy for yourself.