Need tips for dealing with non-dieting husband

shellybelly83

So, I am commited to losing weight. My husband (who I love dearly but he also needs to lose weight) is not trying. Well every week, he says he is going to start Monday, but Monday hasn't come yet. I hope he does, for his own health, but I am not going to pressure him because I know that won't work. A person has to want to do it themselves first.

Anyway, I do really great with my eating and working out through the week. Perfect. On the weekends, he wants to go out and eat, or order pizza. Most of all, every Saturday night he wants to go out to the bar. If I don't go with, I just sit at home. And I know I can go and not drink, I have done that before, but people keep asking why I'm not drinking and my husband says I am too quiet and anti-social.

And a big part of it it not making him feel bad. Like tomorrow he wants to go to this bar and grill, where they don't really serve anything healthy. And even if they did, he would feel dumb if I ordered a salad and water and he got something unhealthy and beer.

We have a lot of fun together, and when I get to my goal weight this won't be quite as big of an issue when I am working to maintain. I just need a few months of following my plan perfect to lose the weight.

Anyone else have this problem, or any advice?

lilRicki

yeah i do...drink skinny *****es (vodka, water and splash of bar lime) they're only 70 calories...and pack the tall glass full of ice so you can SIP it...order the huge steak, but cut about 3oz and tell him you're stuffed and that he can have it for lunch tomorrow...order the salad instead of fries and if he makes a comment, give him the fuzzy eyeball and tell him it's none of his business...if this doesn't work tell him in the most vulgar way you can that you've been working your @ss off and no way are you going to wreck it...tell him how much you hate the elliptical and that huge steak is at least an hour on the elliptical...that's what i do lol...when we order pizza i order a veggie with no cheese...this at least cuts some of the calories down...i freeze most of it for lunches...that's the best i can do, my fiance keeps asking me if i'm going to see my other boyfriend when i say i'm going to the gym...but i know he's just teasing me...i'm hoping that he sees how well i'm doing and he'll want to do it too, but i'm not holding my breath....

AmberElaine84

Well, I can't really say whether my husband needs to lose weight or not, lol. He has mentioned that he's heavier than he wants to be, but to me, I think he's perfect. He's not skinny, he's not huge.

BUT, with that being said, I feel the same way as you do. We don't go out often, but there are so many times where he will say that I don't eat at all or I eat like a bird. The other day he put a sprinkle in my hand and told me that was my lunch, because I wasn't eating the big, fried sausage with onions and mushrooms that he was. (He was kidding, of course!) I am done losing weight, for the main part, aside from maybe a few lbs. But I don't choose to eat like him most days. BECAUSE I am AWARE of what is going into my body. He doesn't really seem to care. I have mentioned to him on more than one occasion that we should lift weights together and go for walks. He doesn't get much time to do anything because he has to work so much, so we don't really do anything.

The thing is, they won't change unless THEY want to. It has to be THEIR idea. (that's a man for you!) I keep leaving little hints here and there, as far as working out, or eating a little healthier, but he won't change unless HE wants to!

My advice is to keep doing what you're doing, girl. As long as you are happy with YOU and he sees it, all will end well. :flowerforyou:

Jamiebee24

maybe you could try and bribe him...ask him if he will workout with you once a week--and you'll go to the bar with him on saturdays. that way you both get what you want---and you can "drink skinny" if you want---or just enjoy a glass of ice water if you don't feel like messing with your hard work. maybe once you get your hubby to start working out with you, he'll see some results and then change his mindset on the bar. AND, if you want a salad, who the heck cares what people think! get your salad---if your husband is embarrassed about what YOU order, well then he needs some help!

LuckyLeprechaun

if your husband is embarrassed about what YOU order, well then he needs some help!

THIS! If your ordering healthy would make him feel dumb, it's because he IS making a dumb choice! I struggle with this too...my hubby's perspective is "i can eat whaever as long as I work out enough" Well. I have lost 47 and he has lost.....none. So that theory isn't working for him.

However, you're 100% right, you can't make the choice for him. BUT you can stay strong for yourself! :flowerforyou:

Azdak

yeah i do...drink skinny *****es (vodka, water and splash of bar lime) they're only 70 calories...and pack the tall glass full of ice so you can SIP it...order the huge steak, but cut about 3oz and tell him you're stuffed and that he can have it for lunch tomorrow...order the salad instead of fries and if he makes a comment, give him the fuzzy eyeball and tell him it's none of his business...if this doesn't work tell him in the most vulgar way you can that you've been working your @ss off and no way are you going to wreck it...tell him how much you hate the elliptical and that huge steak is at least an hour on the elliptical...that's what i do lol...when we order pizza i order a veggie with no cheese...this at least cuts some of the calories down...i freeze most of it for lunches...that's the best i can do, my fiance keeps asking me if i'm going to see my other boyfriend when i say i'm going to the gym...but i know he's just teasing me...i'm hoping that he sees how well i'm doing and he'll want to do it too, but i'm not holding my breath....

Tell him if he keeps giving you *kitten*, that you WILL be going to see a new boyfriend--when you're nice and thin. Tell him, you'll be singing a new song -- "can't touch this".

amyjo519

Yes!! I totally feel your frustration! I wish I had more advice but we are still at the beginning stages of trying to work this out. His way of dieting is to just not eat all day then eat one big meal at the end of the day. Which obviously doesn't work for me otherwise I wouldn't be in this shape. He doesn't have nearly as much as I do to lose but he could definitely tone up. He brings fast food home during the week and expects me to be happy about it. And of course why shouldn't he think this? It use to make me happy and now it's just frustrating because I do great all day and then it's ruined. I've told him this several times in the last couple weeks and he tends not to hear me for whatever reason. So I've decided next week when he does this....I'm not eating. I'm throwing the food away. It'll be hard but I think he'll get the point and I won't have blown the day. As far as the weekend I'm not sure what to do. Maybe you could eat before you go out with him. And when he really starts to see your results he'll start changing too. ( We can only hope.) It's hard not having a supportive hubby in this venture!

Ely82010

So, I am commited to losing weight. My husband (who I love dearly but he also needs to lose weight) is not trying. Well every week, he says he is going to start Monday, but Monday hasn't come yet. I hope he does, for his own health, but I am not going to pressure him because I know that won't work. A person has to want to do it themselves first.

Anyway, I do really great with my eating and working out through the week. Perfect. On the weekends, he wants to go out and eat, or order pizza. Most of all, every Saturday night he wants to go out to the bar. If I don't go with, I just sit at home. And I know I can go and not drink, I have done that before, but people keep asking why I'm not drinking and my husband says I am too quiet and anti-social.

And a big part of it it not making him feel bad. Like tomorrow he wants to go to this bar and grill, where they don't really serve anything healthy. And even if they did, he would feel dumb if I ordered a salad and water and he got something unhealthy and beer.

We have a lot of fun together, and when I get to my goal weight this won't be quite as big of an issue when I am working to maintain. I just need a few months of following my plan perfect to lose the weight.

Anyone else have this problem, or any advice?

I agree with the other two posts. Unless your husband wants to loose weight or change his eating habits, there is nothing that you can do. You have no control over his life, BUT you can control your life,eating habits, and exercise routine. It is your right and nobody can take that away from you. Yes, not even your husband (trust me on this because I have been married for
almost 45 years)

My husband could loose 10 or 15 lbs and he is heading in that direction. Not because of me (sorry to say that...), but because he does not have a choice. I do the cooking so only my rules apply in the kitchen, if he does not like it he can learn how to cook. And that will never happen. I don't buy junk but he does get once in awhile something that he is not supposed to. He can eat it if he wants to and listen to my *****ing at the same time.

When we go out, I order my food and he orders his and I have to say that he is getting better now and getting more salads. I am having a hard time convincing him of not using the whole dressing or to order a vinagrette instead, but I can live with that.
A little bit a the time he is getting the message of not eating desert. Until last year, we used to share it but now I don't do that any more so it is all on him. And we come home for desert and it is always fruit. I did make an exception on his birthday :ohwell:

He is now going to gym three times a week. One of my sons convinced him that doing weights and more cardio would help him to improve his tennis game, and my other son lost almost 30 lbs doing P90X, or what ever the name of that video is. It seems that with men the recommendations of another men are more powerful that the recomendations of a woman/wife. I don't care, we now go to the gym together and he already lost almos 4 lbs.

He supports me most of the time, but on other ocassions he drops "comments" about my eating habits. I just don't listen.

If you want to eat only a salad at the bar, just go for it. Also a salad before a pizza will make you full sooner. A glass of wine with a side of club soda on ice (mix it together a little bit at the time), goes a long way. Eat something healthy at home before you go out so you are not too hungy, and you can resist temptation.

I do not recommed bribery or smashing a fry pan on his head...:laugh: Good luck and keep up the good work and your goals.

shellybelly83

Thanks for all the advice! It's nice to know I am not the only one dealing with this.

I am not trying to pressure him to join my dieting and exercise habits (although I am hoping he will see me doing it and join me on his own, for health reasons). I just want to have fun with him, be able to enjoy going out, and not totally blow all my hard work from the workweek.

robbienjill

I wish you luck! I am wondering everyday if I am going to be served with divorce papers due to what I will or will not eat. Rob and I argue more over eating than anything else in this entire world:brokenheart: . I can not say that I can help you with this matter, but I can say that I feel your pain. My advice would be to do what makes you happy, be who you are, and stay true to yourself. Everyone should honor that - Jill

efalcon1

It's reassuring to know that I am not the only person that has this same problem. I have been on my weight loss plan for 6 months now and my husband still eats crap in front of me and wants me to eat the same rubbish. We all work so hard to eat well and exercise hard and deserve support from our partners but in real life it's not that easy. I, like everyone else just hopes it will rub off on them. This is why this sight is so important because I know I benefit from everyone's support and that goes for everyone too.

Kate_UK

I have this problem too. My husband is just inside the obese catagory for his height and weight, he doesn't look that big so it came as a shock when I realised this the other week. Since I started to loose the weight and become more knowledgeable about nutrition I'm starting to worry about his health. But he doesn't want to loose the lbs, I know I can't make him, and I love him the way he is, but I wish he would want to do it for his health.

AnAbsoluteDiva

I sense serious control issues here.

brityn

Target sells single serving sugar free margarita mix. They come in these little tubes. Make sure you have a couple hundred calories left when you go to the bar and you can order a tequila and water on the rocks and just mix that baby in. They're delicious so you can enjoy a cocktail without blowing your diet

ephay

I have to agree with most of the other posters - - Stay the course. You've heard the phrase misery loves company right? Don't let him bully or guilt you into eating crappy.

If you're married, it means you can talk to the guy. Sit him down & explain that you're a little sensitive on the topic and ask that he respects you as you've been respecting him in this regard. If you aren't nagging on him, ask that he return the favor & stop the snarky comments. Explain that you'd love for him to join you on the journey to better health but if he isn't into it, you'll respect that decision permitting that he respects that you ARE.

The bar is harder. My husband loves it when I drink (I'm more social & less focused), but after I explained to him that the last time I went out drinking it resulted in a gain of 4# and how depressed I was for the next few days...he agreed it wasn't worth it. Maybe you could just tell him you want to be the DD. Or maybe just explain to him as you did in your post...maybe he's more understanding than you think? :flowerforyou:

Scorpiomom222

Tell him if he keeps giving you *kitten*, that you WILL be going to see a new boyfriend--when you're nice and thin. Tell him, you'll be singing a new song -- "can't touch this".

I like your attitude!

kelzz193

I think lots of married women struggle with this very problem. You want your partner to be supportive in every aspect of your life & right now this is something you are working really hard at, so it's on the top of your priority list. You monitor what you eat, how you exercise all ultimately to get to an end goal. The problem is it's not a top priority for your hubby so he has trouble understanding why you want to deviate from the things you guys have always done together, he even resents you a little for making ripples in the pond so to speak! Which is obvious by him being embarrased by your entree selection.

My advice would be to explain how imporant this is to you. How hard you are working to get healthy so you can feel good about YOU! I would still go out to the places that you always have, you can't stop your life just because you are trying to be healthier. You just must learn to make healthier choices where you go. If you don't once you get to your goal, you'll end up back to those same places you missed because they were "off limits" treating yourself to old favorites and packing the pounds back on one by one. We've all done this carnival yo-yo ride!

Go out order what you want, if you want a salad, get a salad, he needs to get over that! He should not care what you are eating. If you want to get a meal have the server get you a box as soon as it comes out and pack up half of it to go so you're not tempted to eat the whole thing. At the bar my go to drink is diet soda with rum, or club soda with vodka....and nurse it!

You can do this and still be happily married I promise. Once you start shrinking he's going to get on board you'll see. My hubby used to be just like yours. After my first 50 pounds he joined myfitness pal & is now down 30!

cardbucfan

I have zero tips for dealing with this because I am dealing with it myself. I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one with a non-supportive husband. He goes and gets doughnuts every single weekend but at least he has finally realized I am not going to eat any (and boy is THAT hard!) but he and the kids still eat them in front of me. I agree with everybody else that you have to do what's right for you. Some bar tips that I used in college when I was really poor one semester: drink water with a lime, if you don't make a big deal about it being non-alcoholic, most folks won't realize it. Or, drink something very low-cal (I love Brityn's margarita idea) and alternate those with a glass of water. My husband really does need to lose weight. He had a serious heart scare a few years ago and for a little bit he was "scared straight". He lost 50 lbs., worked out regularly and looked great. Well, he's gained back most of it, is back to all his old habits and hardly ever works out anymore. You can't make them do it, they have to want it for themselves. The other day when he teased me for doing some more exercises I said "one of us has to be alive for our kids". Shut him up for awhile! Good luck!

HealthyChanges2010

" <snip>....when I get to my goal weight this won't be quite as big of an issue when I am working to maintain. I just need a few months of following my plan perfect to lose the weight. " <snip>


I'm not so sure everything will be all perfect when the weight is dropped because food doesn't sound like the real issue here. It's not all gonna go away because you'll have more cals to eat when you drop the weight and hit maintence. It's about you first, your goals, what's important to you, worrying about him feeling stupid is his issue not yours. We choose how we feel, others can't make us feel a certain way, sounds like he's not really on board supporting you. :ohwell:

Keep doing what you know is healthy for you, because that's really what this is all about and perhaps not worry so much about how he feels. What I mean by that is it sounds like he's far to worried about what others are thinking of HIM if he's feeling dumb about you eating salad or not drinking when you both go out.

I doubt anyone is thinking anyone is stupid or dumb watching another eat salad while out, same with drinking, some ppl simply don't drink or they drink water with lemon slice.

Sometimes we worry far too much about how others perceive us when they aren't paying the least bit attention to us...they're either worrying about their ownselves or having fun and not paying attention in the slightest.:flowerforyou:

daryls

It sounds like you two could benefit from sitting down and talking about your health goals. Going to the doctor and getting recommendations can help both you and your partner look at the reality of your health from a medical perspective.

He doesn't have to diet, if he doesn't want to. But also, you can get healthy and focus on your overall health if you want to.

My husband hates the word "compromise" he feels like both of us have to give up something in a compromise. He told me yesterday that it's best to come up with a third option that we both like.

In marriage sometimes it's about agreeing to disagree. And that is healthy!!!!

GorillaNJ

You can always have a baby, and then hubby will stop going out to bars on the weekend... at least that is how it worked out for my wife and I :flowerforyou:

In all seriousness you can find something else to do on Saturday nights, or maybe 1 or 2 Saturday's a month switch it up and do something that is more in line with your goals. He is going to complain about it... but if you explain to him how important it is to you he will go along.

rml_16

Why is what you eat and drink such a big deal to anyone? I don't understand that at all. You having a salad and water is threatening to him? You need to have a serious talk with him about that. Explain that you're not going to push him to make changes in his diet and lifestyle, but you are not happy with YOUR diet and lifestyle and will be a happier person if he allows you the freedom to do something about it.

No one tells me what to eat or not eat or drink or not drink. No one. I barely drink alcohol because it's not worth the calories to me. Most people in my life understand that and don't care. If you want to just have something in front of you, order water or diet soda or something. If you have something in your hand, people are less likely to notice.

JustAnotherBob

I'm a guy ...

You should be be getting healthy and eating right for yourself - once you're perfect then you'll have more time to motivate your husband ... I don't always go out for a drink and eat cheese fries(actually I never eat cheese fries) - most (but not all) of the time I drink soda water with a lime - it's really old school thinking that you go to a bar and need to drink an alcoholic beverage to fit in - if that is the crowd mentality that you're hanging out with then maybe it's time for a change - besides, someone needs to be the designated driver ... don't worry if someone gets jealous because you're eating a salad - they'll get over it ... one day when you're sitting around talking just mention the fact that you called your family insurance agent and increased your husbands life insurance policy ...

rolandhulme

You can't make somebody lose weight - or quit smoking, or drinking, or do anything else 'good' for them. That's a decision and a journey they ultimately have to embark on alone. That doesn't mean you have to let them spoil all the good work you're doing.

I had this situation with my wife for the longest time - we both admitted we needed to lose weight, but both kept saying 'we'll start on Monday' until I realised Monday was always a week ago and forged out on my own. It was tough, as my wife didn't sabotage my efforts, but did mock them - she called me a woman for counting my calories! But she was impressed with the results.

And this Monday she impressed me by saying that this was 'the monday' she was going to begin and has been sticking to her diet all week, even though I have been eating tempting things in front of her. The situation's kind of reversed.

Ultimately, any husband or wife she'd be pleased as punch that their other half is trying to look, feel and live better - and put up with idiosyncrasies while you do so. He'll come on board himself as soon as he realises how good you're starting to look.

Keep at it!

WrenLynn

When I first started eating better and exercising I had a really hard time with my husband as well. He would try to sabotage me! Anyhow he finally decided to start making some changes on his own a couple months ago and is doing well! I am so glad as we have more in common although he still has a ways to go. Today when I texted him that I had lost another pound he said congratulations lets celibrate at Dairy Queen tonight. At first I was ticked off because believe or not he was serious but then I just texted him back that we would celibrate by burning some calories in the sack! That got his mind off of food!!

amysj303

I can understand how going out is hard, but I think you can drink a lite beer or a vodka-soda and not make a big deal about it, it is basically like your snack for the day. Eating healthy there is hard, but if you said you were going to eat something healthy at home first so you could enjoy your drinks, it's a compromise. I bet he really doesn't care if you order a salad!
My husband works out as much as I do and doesn't need to lose weight, but his eating habits are mixed, he doesn't keep any junk food in the house, but he eats fast food and sometimes late at night. he'll call and ask me if I want anything and it's up to me to be strong or not, sometimes I have a steak chalupa:)

BayleeGirl

My husband is not only not dieting but he is trying to gain weight. He is naturally very thin and want to put on more muscle and weight in general. My answer is that I am cooking for us all the time. I cook very healthy food and just give him bigger portions and then I treat him by making a very unhealthy desert that he loves once a week to satisfy those bad cravings. I cook very lean meat.. so he gets all the great protein he wants but not all the fat. We also go out to eat once a week and I just make good choices when I do. I've asked him to support me in losing weight so if he has those late night cravings for ice cream I ask him to eat it when I'm not in the room. (I've also started buying fat free frozen yogurt.. which he loves) I have a hard time with this but its getting better. The more weight he sees me lose the more supportive he is because he knows I am happier and my clothes are fitting better!! He doesnt' have to hear those constant "I'm fat" comments so he is enjoying it too!

As far as drinking.., just chose a low carb beer or have a cocktail that you like. One is not that big of a deal!!

Rynatat

My fiance is not heavy, he just needs to tone a little & keeps saying that he wants to start: in the meantime, I wake up early every AM to do my workout, I calculate my calories, log them & my exercise and keep doing what's been working for me for the last several months. Our roommate is no help since he wants to eat PB&J's, McDonalds and pizza most times & I tell them fine, I'll take care of my own. I also have Celiac's Disease (gluten allergy) so can't eat what they eat most times, and I eat my salads, veggies or have one of them grill me chicken or steak so I have dinner & lunch for work next day. I still drink (wine, tequilla shots or vodka w/seltzer water), but we also drink at home so no one has to worry about driving. On occasion I have my own gluten free pizza, but I ALWAYS have salad or veggies with it, plus I make my own corn tortilla mini pizza which are MUCH lower calorie and VERY satisfying :happy:
We go out to eat on occasion, and if I get salad, who cares! I'm doing this for me, for my life (lately I've been splitting my salad with my fiance, so it's a step): they talk about getting in shape, but it's up to them. It's not going to stop me from doing what I've been doing for the last 11 months. I've also noticed that since I keep up the way I am, it's rubbed off on them a little. They work together so sometimes go to lunch, lately they've taken to sending me text pics of their "healthy" lunches ("look I had a salad with my pulled pork sandwich" or "I had a burger with lettuce & tomato"!) Also, when our roommates girlfriend comes over for dinner, there is always salad with our chicken or steak (even though they cover it in ranch or blue cheese dressings, it's a start!)
When I started MFP, I got a bit of hell from my fiance because I was eating really different from them suddenly, or waking up early to workout on weekends and leaving him in bed alone: I even got slack for joining MFP because I log everything and "talk" to my MFP's. But he realized after a few months that this made me happy - and I was starting to look like I did when we met :happy: It also meant that I wouldn't be wasting a bunch of money on new clothes if I can fit back into my old clothes Now, he patiently waits for me to finish on the computer, he lets me log my food and drink & even has helped me make some of my foods/salads and weighed everything out for me so I can log everything accurately.

One thing I keep up with, though, and I think this is where the difference is, I update him on my progress as well as all my MFP's, plus I tell him about my MFP's progress so he doesn't feel left out of my life. Like yesterday, I fit into a pair of slacks I hadn't in over 3 years! I said "look, do you like my new slacks for work?" and he said, "so you went shopping on my side of the closet again". (this also means he'll get his closet back since I'm moving all my old too-small clothes back into my closet since they are no longer too small )

Don't worry about what him or his "friends" think: Think about all the support you have here & what you've accomplished! Like someone else mentioned, go to the bar, but let him know you're the designated driver & have seltzer water & lime (or if you can handle one drink, sip a vodka with seltzer & lime - it takes some getting used to drinking with no sweets, but it pays off since you can still keep under or close to cal goals). If he wants to eat out, go with him and eat your salad, ask for grilled chicken with it or order a burger or sandwich and tell them no bread or do an open-face sandwich where you just use 1 slice of bread & load up with lettuce & tomato.
Just remember why you're on MFP and what makes you happy: if he sees you happy, he may start to understand more. And talk to him: remember that in any relationship that communication is key: he will understand though it just may take a bit of talking to get there :flowerforyou:

WalkingGirl1985

I have that same problem--I'm more into diet and exercise then he is. His only form of exercise is biking a few times a week, so that is something. He is usually good about eating out on his own..even when he does bring home a few burgers from McD's, I don't feel tempted..some reason I have got used to dieting. Sometimes he wants to order a pizza and that is enough to tempt me..but who am I to say no, you can't have pizza to him? I don't want to deprive him of his favorite foods because of me. If i have pizza, I will workout all day if i have to just to balance it with a few slices that i did yesturday. I have to learn to keep my own control over cravings.

NeuroticVirgo

Tell him, you'll be singing a new song -- "can't touch this".

LOL...so far I've been pretty lucky, my husband is being super supportive. But, to be honest...even if he wasn't, I'm a ***** when it comes to stuff I want to do. And I would hold bad choices against him...just the way I am...I would be singing that song. lol

Going out is one thing, but I think when he just wants to order pizza etc, I'd just tell him no, and cook dinner, or lunch or whatever. I mean, its not like he's not getting fed, he can live with whatever you cook for one day.

As for the going out, maybe strike a deal...if you go to a place he wants to go one day, he has to go to one you pick the next weekend. (for instance...my husband would pick Rock Bottom ALL the time if he could...but I love going to sweet tomatos...him not so much...so I would say we go to your place this week, you go to mine next week).

NeuroticVirgo

You can always have a baby, and then hubby will stop going out to bars on the weekend... at least that is how it worked out for my wife and I :flowerforyou:

In all seriousness you can find something else to do on Saturday nights, or maybe 1 or 2 Saturday's a month switch it up and do something that is more in line with your goals. He is going to complain about it... but if you explain to him how important it is to you he will go along.

I have kids...totally kills the bar scene. lol