Being Fat and a Gay Male

GreatDepression

For a community that talks about "acceptance" like a mantra, I experienced the harshest rejection in the gay (male) community based on my appearance. I'm not as fat as I used to be but I'm still bitter about how I was treated. I feel like I was seen as nothing more than fat and ugly.

mistiblake08

I'm so sorry you experienced this. No matter what our society claims, we are all still judged and rejected for silly reasons. That's partly my push to get healthier and prove everyone they were wrong. You can change your appearance. They can't change the ugliness inside of them for how they treat people. Most do it for being insecure themselves.

_Figgzie_

you can control "fat".............let that other bs fuel your fire

wheird

I thought "bears" were appreciated in the gay community?

JonDyn

Calling yourself, 'Great depression' isnt a good place to start when it comes to overcoming this adversary, and you've allready lost 86 pounds so it can't be all bad, cheer up ol'chap

QuietLyfe

I'm not a male nor am I gay, but my heart breaks for you a little bit! People face this rejection whether they are straight or LGBT. Humans can be cruel. Learn to love yourself. Change you for you and not to make anyone else happy. I'm sorry you have had to have this experience, but learn from it. Gain strength from it. Good luck in your journey! *hugs*

the_dude00

For a community that talks about "acceptance" like a mantra, I experienced the harshest rejection in the gay (male) community based on my appearance. I'm not as fat as I used to be but I'm still bitter about how I was treated. I feel like I was seen as nothing more than fat and ugly.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't think it's that much difference in the straight community - except then throw in judgement based upon net worth / occupation, lol.

Go hit the gym dude. You can make some great progress in 90 days if you train regularly and eat right

Go_Mizzou99

If it makes you feel any better, I don't think it's that much difference in the straight community - except then throw in judgement based upon net work / occupation, lol.

Go hit the gym dude. You can make some great progress in 90 days if you train regularly and eat right

+1

Edit: Made it worse - lol - but you get my drift.

NormInv

I have tried both communities without any success.....if it makes you feel any better.

SunofaBeach14

Not everyone is going to like you. Just don't allow them to control your self image.

Forty6and2

One of my friends posted this the other day: http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/it-gets-better-unless-youre-fat

My friend is overweight, a lesbian, and black and she gets the most flack for being fat. Honestly, I think that people shouldn't be judged based on any of these things, but unfortunately we are. Just keep going as you are and you'll lose the weight!

George_Baileys_Ghost

Calling yourself, 'Great depression' isnt a good place to start when it comes to overcoming this adversary, and you've allready lost 86 pounds so it can't be all bad, cheer up ol'chap

^This. Consider crafting a more positive image for yourself. Carry yourself with confidence, be proud of what you've accomplished so far, and keep working your *kitten* off. While not everyone will like you, you will notice that more people will be drawn to confidence in you.

sparks787

You're right, it's just the same for straight women, the number of times i've been told 'you'd be ok looking if you were slimmer' - and let's not even talk about the 'feeder' creeps. you know women aren't (very) mean to men who are overweight - or baldy, so what strikes me here is that it is MEN who make women feel bad about themselves - and gay men are just as bad. I guess we should all just be lesbians

hypegoose

I almost think it's a bit harder in the gay community being a big guy. The gay community, sadly, is very unaccepting. If I had a nickel for every social media profile I saw that said 'no fats, no fems' I'd have a lot of money. A lot are even racist. It often feels like if you're not ripped with a six pack that you're ugly, and if you're overweight well you're the ugliest! I know that feeling all too well. I even studied the phenomenon back when I was in school. It's why I don't like the gay community (despite the fact I'm "a part of it." Bleh).

All in all though, haters are gonna hate. There are people in the gay community who like bigger guys. It feels like they're rare, but they're there. What you can do though is keep working on your goal! But don't do it just to appease the gym bunny gays. Do it for you! I agree with the other people in this thread. Be proud of what you've accomplished and keep accomplishing!

And to be honest, most of those super fit gays are soooo shallow you don't want to be friends with them anyways. They're terrible people to be around. More often than not, even if you have a perfect body, they'll find something else to nitpick at just because they're so shallow. I'm sure some of them are very nice, but from personal experience I've learned a lot aren't (at least in regards to other gays, especially the 'non-conventional' kinds).

hypegoose

You're right, it's just the same for straight women, the number of times i've been told 'you'd be ok looking if you were slimmer' - and let's not even talk about the 'feeder' creeps. you know women aren't (very) mean to men who are overweight - or baldy, so what strikes me here is that it is MEN who make women feel bad about themselves - and gay men are just as bad. I guess we should all just be lesbians

LOL I agree yes we should all become lesbians!

tapirfrog

I'm really, really sorry.

It hasn't been easy for me in either community either, but yes, I think the gay male communities I've seen are *so* focused on externals that probably if I were a gay man I'd just want to hide inside. Note -- obviously I haven't been in every gay male community, nor have I experienced what it's like to be a gay man in any community; this is only my experience. And it's heartbreaking, frankly.

JonDyn

I almost think it's a bit harder in the gay community being a big guy. The gay community, sadly, is very unaccepting. If I had a nickel for every social media profile I saw that said 'no fats, no fems' I'd have a lot of money. A lot are even racist. It often feels like if you're not ripped with a six pack that you're ugly, and if you're overweight well you're the ugliest! I know that feeling all too well. I even studied the phenomenon back when I was in school. It's why I don't like the gay community (despite the fact I'm "a part of it." Bleh).

All in all though, haters are gonna hate. There are people in the gay community who like bigger guys. It feels like they're rare, but they're there. What you can do though is keep working on your goal! But don't do it just to appease the gym bunny gays. Do it for you! I agree with the other people in this thread. Be proud of what you've accomplished and keep accomplishing!

And to be honest, most of those super fit gays are soooo shallow you don't want to be friends with them anyways. They're terrible people to be around. More often than not, even if you have a perfect body, they'll find something else to nitpick at just because they're so shallow. I'm sure some of them are very nice, but from personal experience I've learned a lot aren't (at least in regards to other gays, especially the 'non-conventional' kinds).

Thats why i don't like the term 'Gay community' because really there is no community, it's just lots of individuals with individual thoughts, feelings and opinions. I feel not connection to other people merely because we both have the same sexual preference, i can even hate some of them, it's not like we have group meetings with crumpets and tea.

I prefer to just split the 'community' into people who are worth you associating with and those who aren't. Don't let the latter slow you down, there will always be plenty of those who you get on with

GreatDepression

I thought "bears" were appreciated in the gay community?

Bears are hairy, very masculine, and usually fat. I'm just fat and don't have the other qualities needed to identify as "bear."

michellemybelll

people suck. that's why i try to include as few as possible in my life.

leantool

Sorry Op, you had to go through this. Male or female,gay or straight,everyone has to shift through a sea of hurtful,cruel douchbags before one finds the mr./ms. Right.being physically unattractive probably helps in marking a jerk easier.

That said,you are doing fine and be the best you can be for yourself.:flowerforyou:

GreatDepression

If I had a nickel for every social media profile I saw that said 'no fats, no fems' I'd have a lot of money. A lot are even racist. It often feels like if you're not ripped with a six pack that you're ugly, and if you're overweight well you're the ugliest!

I didn't mention it in my original post but I am also non-white. I've experienced a lot of racism among gay men (masked as "preference") but wasn't sure if I should mention it here since that is a whole separate rant that I can go off on. So yeah, being obese and non-white in the gay community has been an unfortunate experience.

And thanks to the person who shared the "It Gets Better, Unless You're Fat" commentary.

Dewymorning

I almost think it's a bit harder in the gay community being a big guy. The gay community, sadly, is very unaccepting. If I had a nickel for every social media profile I saw that said 'no fats, no fems' I'd have a lot of money. A lot are even racist. It often feels like if you're not ripped with a six pack that you're ugly, and if you're overweight well you're the ugliest! I know that feeling all too well. I even studied the phenomenon back when I was in school. It's why I don't like the gay community (despite the fact I'm "a part of it." Bleh).

All in all though, haters are gonna hate. There are people in the gay community who like bigger guys. It feels like they're rare, but they're there. What you can do though is keep working on your goal! But don't do it just to appease the gym bunny gays. Do it for you! I agree with the other people in this thread. Be proud of what you've accomplished and keep accomplishing!

And to be honest, most of those super fit gays are soooo shallow you don't want to be friends with them anyways. They're terrible people to be around. More often than not, even if you have a perfect body, they'll find something else to nitpick at just because they're so shallow. I'm sure some of them are very nice, but from personal experience I've learned a lot aren't (at least in regards to other gays, especially the 'non-conventional' kinds).

Thats why i don't like the term 'Gay community' because really there is no community, it's just lots of individuals with individual thoughts, feelings and opinions. I feel not connection to other people merely because we both have the same sexual preference, i can even hate some of them, it's not like we have group meetings with crumpets and tea.

I prefer to just split the 'community' into people who are worth you associating with and those who aren't. Don't let the latter slow you down, there will always be plenty of those who you get on with

^
This

itsadogslife

Its funny, the gay community preaches and seeks acceptance, but its almost become a bit of a clique. Also, I find there's a lot of superficial judgement, such as what you experienced. Its amazing how people don't wish to practice what they preach. Rest assured, however, because being judged for how you look is intergendered and intersexual orientation. Don't feel singled out, it happens across the board.

TavistockToad

Not everyone is going to like you. Just don't allow them to control your self image.

this this this!!!!

slimster1970

To be honest buddy I read through this thread and I looked at your profile and was confused. I'm not gay so I clearly can't speak for the gay "community" (what the hell is that btw I thought we all hoped for an all inclusive society).

What I see is a name of GreatDepression and the description of yourself is, and I quote "fat and ugly". So perhaps a more positive outlook from yourself would inspire a more positive outlook from others? If you see yourself as depressed, fat and ugly I'm not sure there's much there for other people to work on? You may as well carry a sign saying avoid me I will bring you down with my attitude.

Additionally there is racism in all walks of life, it's no better disguised in the gay world than in the straight world but just don't associate with racist people, what's the point? I'm a white Scottish guy who faced racism in London because I wasn't black. It didn't deter me one bit, it just made me more determined.

Take the negatives and defeat them, but for your own sanity start by re-writing your profile and think of the positive steps you've already taken!

motivatedmartha

To be honest buddy I read through this thread and I looked at your profile and was confused. I'm not gay so I clearly can't speak for the gay "community" (what the hell is that btw I thought we all hoped for an all inclusive society).

What I see is a name of GreatDepression and the description of yourself is, and I quote "fat and ugly". So perhaps a more positive outlook from yourself would inspire a more positive outlook from others? If you see yourself as depressed, fat and ugly I'm not sure there's much there for other people to work on? You may as well carry a sign saying avoid me I will bring you down with my attitude.

Additionally there is racism in all walks of life, it's no better disguised in the gay world than in the straight world but just don't associate with racist people, what's the point? I'm a white Scottish guy who faced racism in London because I wasn't black. It didn't deter me one bit, it just made me more determined.

Take the negatives and defeat them, but for your own sanity start by re-writing your profile and think of the positive steps you've already taken!

^^this. I'm sorry you have had to go through this sh1t but there are prats everywhere who will judge you all by themselves - don't help them. You have been hugely successful so far - let the image you project to the world demonstrate your positive attributes, not your frailties. It will also do you good to keep a focus on what is good about you and your life. Work out - it's so good for morale, ignore the pillocks and learn to like yourself, others will follow. In any community, gay or straight, people find it hard to cope with negativity.

Friends on mfp can help to build your confidence and positivity!!

jmac1686

We live in a harsh world unfortunately. As a gay male who used to be very slim then to go to very overweight , the rejection from even my own social circles was shocking. I am now on a path to slimming down and getting healthy again. I realized I can't let a group of people and what they think this acceptable affect who I am. We all can improve. Take it day by day, meal by meal, and movement to movement

KseRz

For a community that talks about "acceptance" like a mantra, I experienced the harshest rejection in the gay (male) community based on my appearance. I'm not as fat as I used to be but I'm still bitter about how I was treated. I feel like I was seen as nothing more than fat and ugly.

Its a shame when a group of people want to be treated fairly, but then get upset when either A) They dont receive special concessions or Treat others unfairly but in different context and convince themselves this is okay.

Tell them they are a bunch of hypocrites and share this with them....

irNathaniel

The most racist people, are the people who claim to hate racism. - Nathaniel 2014

Mate its how it goes, people that want and search for acceptance are the first people to judge and get up themselves. ignore everything and live YOUR life.

Shan_Lindsay

What I see is a name of GreatDepression and the description of yourself is, and I quote "fat and ugly". So perhaps a more positive outlook from yourself would inspire a more positive outlook from others? If you see yourself as depressed, fat and ugly I'm not sure there's much there for other people to work on? You may as well carry a sign saying avoid me I will bring you down with my attitude.

THIS!

Confidence goes a long way. No one is perfect, despite some people thinking they are. But you are who you are and you will find someone who loves everything about you. I'm sorry you have faced such negative criticism, but use this to fuel your motivation to get to where you want to be and where you feel happy about yourself.

Chieflrg

I thought "bears" were appreciated in the gay community?

How yah doin?