Being Fat and a Gay Male

ImprovedRJ

What I would do first would be since MFP can allow a one time change on your username, you should change your "GreatDepression" username (unless you already changed it before). Then, change your bio into something more positive.

You lost a lot of weight so far according to your profile. Even if you think that this isn't enough, know that you went so far to lose a lot of weight, that you shouldn't let others destroy your confidence. Be proud on your weight and continue reaching your goals. Right now, people are "rejecting" you, but motivate yourself knowing that you're much better than those guys.

I'm not sure how the gay community acts over where you live, but here in Fresno, CA, there are a lot of gay men here who accepts who you are. Although they don't judge in appearance, they do judge in personality (but that's a different topic). There are even night clubs here that have chubs (as the gay community calls it) that are proud of their bodies to even get hired to take off their shirt and dance. Douches here like to make fun of them, but they don't care at all. They love being who they are inside and out.

Even though you are in the progress of losing weight, don't let the gay community interfere and change your happiness. You have friends that accepts you for who you are and you have people here on this forum, who also accepts you.

trojan_bb

We live in a harsh world unfortunately. As a gay male who used to be very slim then to go to very overweight , the rejection from even my own social circles was shocking. I am now on a path to slimming down and getting healthy again. I realized I can't let a group of people and what they think this acceptable affect who I am. We all can improve. Take it day by day, meal by meal, and movement to movement

Really?

I always thought the gay community was accepting of fat guys. I've lived in two very gay cities and a good portion of the most outgoing, popular, flamboyant gay males were significantly overweight.

Seems like half the gay couples I saw consisted of one ultra skinny guy and one bear.

Timshel_

Being gay lends nothing to the conversation my friend. You could be straight and say the same as an overweight person...and many people do here.

Wish you all the best.

juggernaut1974

And to be honest, most of those super fit gays are soooo shallow you don't want to be friends with them anyways. They're terrible people to be around. More often than not, even if you have a perfect body, they'll find something else to nitpick at just because they're so shallow. I'm sure some of them are very nice, but from personal experience I've learned a lot aren't (at least in regards to other gays, especially the 'non-conventional' kinds).

Not trying to pick a fight...but what exactly is different about guys that judge you for being bigger, vs. you judging guys for being fit?

LoneWolf_70

Post Deleted by MODS.

daybehavior

We live in a harsh world unfortunately. As a gay male who used to be very slim then to go to very overweight , the rejection from even my own social circles was shocking. I am now on a path to slimming down and getting healthy again. I realized I can't let a group of people and what they think this acceptable affect who I am. We all can improve. Take it day by day, meal by meal, and movement to movement

Really?

I always thought the gay community was accepting of fat guys. I've lived in two very gay cities and a good portion of the most outgoing, popular, flamboyant gay males were significantly overweight.

Seems like half the gay couples I saw consisted of one ultra skinny guy and one bear.

Yes it is true. Unless you're thin and white or Latino, it will be an uphill struggle. Not impossible but your possibilities will be a lot broader if you fit that criteria.

MyChocolateDiet

I almost think it's a bit harder in the gay community being a big guy. The gay community, sadly, is very unaccepting. If I had a nickel for every social media profile I saw that said 'no fats, no fems' I'd have a lot of money. A lot are even racist. It often feels like if you're not ripped with a six pack that you're ugly, and if you're overweight well you're the ugliest! I know that feeling all too well. I even studied the phenomenon back when I was in school. It's why I don't like the gay community (despite the fact I'm "a part of it." Bleh).

All in all though, haters are gonna hate. There are people in the gay community who like bigger guys. It feels like they're rare, but they're there. What you can do though is keep working on your goal! But don't do it just to appease the gym bunny gays. Do it for you! I agree with the other people in this thread. Be proud of what you've accomplished and keep accomplishing!

And to be honest, most of those super fit gays are soooo shallow you don't want to be friends with them anyways. They're terrible people to be around. More often than not, even if you have a perfect body, they'll find something else to nitpick at just because they're so shallow. I'm sure some of them are very nice, but from personal experience I've learned a lot aren't (at least in regards to other gays, especially the 'non-conventional' kinds).

Thats why i don't like the term 'Gay community' because really there is no community, it's just lots of individuals with individual thoughts, feelings and opinions. I feel not connection to other people merely because we both have the same sexual preference, i can even hate some of them, it's not like we have group meetings with crumpets and tea.

I prefer to just split the 'community' into people who are worth you associating with and those who aren't. Don't let the latter slow you down, there will always be plenty of those who you get on with

+1.

Groups on here are prone to clicquey behavior that can devolve into ugly things like talking behind people's backs and rallying people against others and misrepresenting facts. Also, don't let that group define all of gaydom for you either.

As for me personally as soon as you change your username to something less depressing like "TheGreatGatsby" maybe or anything else really and remove the self deprecating language from your profile page you are welcome to FR me.

My FL is practically like a group of it's own and while it is not a gay only environment, nor depressed people only, nor people of color only, nor anything only, it is a positive place with lots of friends and fun and people with an eye on the prize and a focus for fitness. I have worked hard and made painful changes so that it can stay meanie, and clicquey, and drama free and as long as you feel up to the task of being awesome and keeping your chin up and being your own biggest fan I'd be happy to have you on my list.

Make sure you reference this thread and this former username so I can know to accept. You are allowed one username change on this site I beleive while keeping your account and friends and diary intact...I'd take the site up on that offer if I were you as this thread is revealing it's members prefer a positive approach which makes sense since weight loss requires so much motivation and focus. :flowerforyou:

MyChocolateDiet

We live in a harsh world unfortunately. As a gay male who used to be very slim then to go to very overweight , the rejection from even my own social circles was shocking. I am now on a path to slimming down and getting healthy again. I realized I can't let a group of people and what they think this acceptable affect who I am. We all can improve. Take it day by day, meal by meal, and movement to movement

Really?

I always thought the gay community was accepting of fat guys. I've lived in two very gay cities and a good portion of the most outgoing, popular, flamboyant gay males were significantly overweight.

Seems like half the gay couples I saw consisted of one ultra skinny guy and one bear.

Yes it is true. Unless you're thin and white or Latino, it will be an uphill struggle. Not impossible but your possibilities will be a lot broader if you fit that criteria.

LOL...so it sounds a lot like being straight?

Do you see now OP why I feel it's important to not close yourself off to other types of people, non gays specifically for your FL?

Many struggles in life are universal and the more people you can have on your side the better, no matter what their background or walk of life.

The right kind of people that is. Which don't have to be gay, they just have to be kind of heart and spirit and for the purposes of this site, have to be focused on fitness and not hatred or games.

az_marcos

lol

Gnarles2

From reading your posts I think that it has to do more with a confidence issue than a weight issue. I personally, never had any issues dating or finding friends. I have been friends with the pretty gays, the bears, twinks and whatever other category there is. When I was in the dating world I was the same weight as I am now, I dated a bodybuilding doctor and a bear or 2. But the most dates I had was with thinner, really fit guys. I have been with a thin guy for almost 9 years now. Work on your confidence and you will be fine.

Jemellc

I totally understand where your coming from and feel the same way you do.... and yes like the guy said above ^ confidence.
I do believe that gay men are attracted to other fit, gay men. It has to be a guy thing though not just gays... like guys, more than girls are known to be masc and always in the GYM. Cant really explain but yeah.
If you were to look on craigslist... where I live for instance I don't know about anywhere else... a lot of the posts say MUST be fit or beyond HWP.

JojoW8183

For a community that talks about "acceptance" like a mantra, I experienced the harshest rejection in the gay (male) community based on my appearance. I'm not as fat as I used to be but I'm still bitter about how I was treated. I feel like I was seen as nothing more than fat and ugly.

This may not be any consolation, but it's like that everywhere. If you take a look at the "community" of large, bbw, or overweight women screaming about equality and acceptance, you'll find that most of them judge and criticize anyone smaller than them. I've received so many stupid comments about not being "curvy" enough to be considered curvy, or that I'm to small to be a plus model. These same groups will tell men that having bellies is gross and men shouldn't wear tights. They will also trash any conventionally thin woman and assume she's thin because she has an eating disorder. They'll rant about how they're not really sexy, and how real men don't like their kind.

I'm a firm believer in "there's a flavor for every taste" so there will always be someone out there that is into your "look", so the important thing should be not what others think about you, but what YOU think about yourself. Are you happy with yourself? Do you think you need to improve certain things about yourself? If you do, then do it for yourself. Don't do it for anyone else. As cliche as it may sound, you need to make yourself happy first, and love yourself. If you love yourself, you won't give a rat's *kitten* about the opinions of others. Oh and one more thing...confidence can go a very long way. Everyone's got their own insecurities, and most people have enough with those, they don't want to deal with someone else's as well. Besides, if you're not confident, it's reflected in everything you do.

Jemellc

I almost think it's a bit harder in the gay community being a big guy. The gay community, sadly, is very unaccepting. If I had a nickel for every social media profile I saw that said 'no fats, no fems' I'd have a lot of money. A lot are even racist. It often feels like if you're not ripped with a six pack that you're ugly, and if you're overweight well you're the ugliest! I know that feeling all too well. I even studied the phenomenon back when I was in school. It's why I don't like the gay community (despite the fact I'm "a part of it." Bleh).

All in all though, haters are gonna hate. There are people in the gay community who like bigger guys. It feels like they're rare, but they're there. What you can do though is keep working on your goal! But don't do it just to appease the gym bunny gays. Do it for you! I agree with the other people in this thread. Be proud of what you've accomplished and keep accomplishing!

And to be honest, most of those super fit gays are soooo shallow you don't want to be friends with them anyways. They're terrible people to be around. More often than not, even if you have a perfect body, they'll find something else to nitpick at just because they're so shallow. I'm sure some of them are very nice, but from personal experience I've learned a lot aren't (at least in regards to other gays, especially the 'non-conventional' kinds).

True ^
Like others have said you are going to be judged no matter what. Use it as fuel lol.
I personally don't give a f what someone else says or think (Sorry not sorry I am just a little too confident) why because again people judge for petty ish.
Just be yourself, be fit, and be happy because YOU want to.

dMonster01

Stop feeling sorry for yourself for starters. Focus on being healthy and happy - the rest will follow.

Miss_1999

I absolutely hate saying using the phrase "I have friends who are gay", because it sounds like I'm trying to section off and label my friends, but the truth of the matter is, over half of my friends are gay males. My heart breaks for you, because I've seen what you're going through time, and time again. I've watched some of my friends get their hearts broken, and be overlooked, or discriminated against in their own *community* for their size. BUT, with that said, I've also seen some amazing, loving accepting people, who cared about the person, NOT the size of the body, but the size of the heart. I've seen users, who didn't care what size a person was, they were out for whatever they could get, then I've seen people of all sizes, and ages find love and happiness. Some others on here have given you excellent advice. Before you can find a boyfriend, and expect it to work, you've got to work on YOU.

You need to love yourself, first. You're a good person! You've got good qualities! Sit down, today/tonight, and make a list of things that are good. Maybe things such as, talents you have, are you a helpful to your family/friends? Are you a good listener? And set some goals. They can be weight related or not. Maybe career related, or a trip you might want to take, or even something as simple as organizing a get together with friends. Realize that you're a person with worth, just because not everyone can see it, doesn't mean your worth decreases. Best wishes to you!

Going4Lean

I am gay and i used to be over weight.
I used to feel the same way, but i lost the weight and nothing has changed in my life.

I came to the conclusion that it's how you perceive and represent yourself .
You have to change your mind set and stop hating yourself, because people can usually pick up on that.
I met different types of guys and no matter what you look like there will always be negative people out there.

Going4Lean

Deleted

Jemellc

I am gay and i used to be over weight.
I used to feel the same way, but i lost the weight and nothing has changed in my life.

I came to the conclusion that it's how you perceive and represent yourself .
You have to change your mind set and stop hating yourself, because people can usually pick up on that.
I met different types of guys and no matter what you look like there will always be negative people out there.

^^ ????

yopeeps025

Not everyone is going to like you. Just don't allow them to control your self image.

this this this!!!!

+2

WhatAnAss

Not everyone is going to like you. Just don't allow them to control your self image.

this this this!!!!

Yes!!! So much this!! Be who you are and focus on yourself and your health right now. If someone dont like you then so what...move on...it will be ok and tomorrow is a new day.

MizTerry

Why should you being gay matter in this thread? People will treat you ugly whether you're male and fat, female and fat, gay and fat, straight and fat, pygmie and fat, etc.

It's how you view YOU that matters. Work toward a better YOU.

TheRoadDog

Fat and Gay? Fat and Straight?

Rejection is rejection.

Gnarles2

I am gay and i used to be over weight.
I used to feel the same way, but i lost the weight and nothing has changed in my life.

I came to the conclusion that it's how you perceive and represent yourself .
You have to change your mind set and stop hating yourself, because people can usually pick up on that.
I met different types of guys and no matter what you look like there will always be negative people out there.

I agree with this 100%. When I go out with my friends I am there to have a good time. I do not care what people think about me because I am too busy laughing and having fun with my friends. Don't be so serious, just go and have fun! Dance and laugh and don't worry about other people. Eventually, your milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard. But in the meantime, you had tons of fun!