Toddler Tantrums advice needed
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I've now had five 3 year olds, and they have all been sour/sweet to varying degrees. My 5th has been the most sour!
When I was a new mom, I read "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" by John Rosemond... it applies to 3 year olds as well. He offers some really great coping techniques and perspective. I highly recommend it.
A couple of points: three year olds have little self-control, but that doesn't mean you give them a pass on throwing fits. Make your expectations clear. And for tantrums, get down on her level and explain that it's fine if she wants to be angry, but throwing a fit is not okay, and you don't want to be around that behavior, so she has to throw her fit in her room (or another designated space).
Also, at three years old, you might start thinking about transitioning to a "big girl bed"... that might be good incentive for her to behave nicely. e.g., "If you want to get a new big girl bed, we need to start acting like a big girl, and that means talking about why you're angry instead of screaming at me."
Good luck! This is just practice for when she's 6 or 7, and you get the school-age sassitude!0 -
I know for a fact that you need to remain firm. I do not have children of my own but I visit with my nieces and nephews often. I have friends that joke that we are better with kids then people who have kids.
My youngest niece would have terrible temper tantrums, they were not helped by the fact that my sister would give in and try to reason with her. As in give her what she wanted. She could be and still is the sweetest child but oh my when she doesn't get what she wants, look out.
But because my sister would give in, she learned from that and would use my sisters capitulation to get what she wanted. So its important to remain firm, keep to the consequences and do your best to keep calm.0 -
I filmed my toddler's tantrum and showed it to him. That was the last tantrum.0
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I pick mine up and hug her until she's calm. I don't say anything. If she doesn't want a hug, too bad, I'm stronger. She generally calms down and we can discuss things normally.
I wish I'd used this technic on my 8 year old. She has worse tantrums.0 -
My son doesn't have tantrums often...sometimes he does and I usually tell him that his throwing a fit won't help him get what he wants. If he stopsthen and there and we move on I usually make some sort of deal with him so he can getwhat he wants eventually...he needs to work for it. Ifhe continues I usually leave whatever we are doing. And thenwe will talk about it after and he knows why we left and that that behavior isnt acceptable. But being firm and consistent has been key
I should have prefaced this by saying I'm a single mom so it all falls on me and I know when I have been lax on things. It's harder but easier as well, since I know what is wrong and if I did something wrong/different then normal.0 -
Oh man am I glad my kids are past the toddler stage.
My kids are heading to the next glorious stage of growing up:
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When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.
My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.
Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.0 -
As mentioned above, choices help a lot. Give them two alternates to what they want whenever possible. Just a simple "you can have this or this," gives them a sense of empowerment without accenting the fact that they are giving up their first choice.
I also reserved word "no" for dangerous or other emergency situations.
the kind of stuff I'd say instead are:
- not right now
- stop, please
- you can have some later, after lunch
- we need to save that
- that's too loud (instead of no screaming!)
When you find different words to convey your desires, they are often accompanied with a calmer tone than "no!" and toddlers especially are more likely to respond to calm tones with calm.
For tantrums, I pick them up and put them on a soft surface (couch or bed). Then I walk away (not out of the room, just busy myself with something else to give them time to sort out whatever needs sorting out). Sometimes they cry it out, other times they calm themselves down. Try to react without getting upset as they pick up on that and will return it threefold. After a minute or two I'll offer water (since crying dehydrates them, makes them feel crappy, which makes them even grumpier). It's also a gesture that tells them I still care and want them to feel better even though I still refuse to let them lick the fly swatter or put the phone in the toilet.
If the crying or whatever lasts longer than a few minutes and they refuse water, I'll hold them and talk about the situation in soothing tones, letting them know that I like it when they use their words and prefer that they not scream when they want something. I'll talk about something they might be looking forward to, like a sibling getting home from school soon, taking a walk once when it cools down, what we're having for dinner, etc. At that point, toddler ADD kicks in. If it's a stubborn day, I'll say, "Ok, I'll be back in a few minutes, feel better!" and come back with water in a few minutes.0 -
Ignore the behavior and put her in her room. Sounds like she needs some alone time.0
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3's are definatley more difficult than the 2's stage! But it depends on the child also.
My son was very, very easy child to deal with. He's 7 now...argues more now,lol, but for the most part a good kid.
My boyfriends son just turned 3 and is VERY difficult to deal with. He doesn't listen,pouts, cries about everything especially when he doesn't get his way. His dad is always asking me what to do since I went through this age but my son was totally opposite. Calm...easygoing...rarely any fits. So I'm also intersted in this thread to to maybe give him some advice.0 -
When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.
My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.
Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.
This made me laugh out loud!0 -
Just break up.
* Oops, sorry * wrong thread. I just felt the need to say something in this thread. My wife somehow managed to do all the heavy lifting when raising my son.... he never caused ME any trouble.
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When my daughter threw one I would ignore her. If she hit me or threw things, she would go in her time out chair until she calmed down and apologized for the physical anger. She is now an extremely well-mannered, lovely, compassionate and obedient almost 9 year old.
They have to respect you and your authority over them. It paves the way for a smoother future, and the love goes with it, too.
As a side note, they used to be so bad, I would do that line from The Exorcist - "The power of Christ compels you !!!". I thought her head would spin around. Nobody believes me now because of how wonderful she is. It will pass - BE STRONG !!!0 -
i say no, she throws a tantrum, lots of big hugs until she stops, i say nothing else, anything i say after the 1st "no" just fuels the fire. both my kids attend Montessori, they use redirection and it works well.0
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I guess I mean are tantrums ok? I feel like I work so hard to avoid the tantrum or stop it when it escalates because i'm worried it's not normal for her to get so upset, but maybe it needs to run it's course....
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Everyone has tantrums, if you think about it. When we're upset with our husbands, friends, siblings, whomever, we have an adult version of a tantrum. How you handle them, however, sort of depends on the child's temperament, though. My child was and is extremely easy in comparison to others I've met/observed. However, since he was a toddler, if he was screaming/yelling/having a meltdown, I would just get down to his level, place my hands on his shoulders and lower my voice, rather than raise it. I would tell him, "I cannot understand you or help you when you're screaming, so right now I need you to calm down and tell me what you need/want." If he wouldn't calm down, I would tell him to sit there until he calmed down, and then when he was ready to talk, we'd talk. It worked every time, because he hardly ever had them, and he's 5 now and still doesn't.
Kids can be very headstrong, though, and they want to be independent as much as possible. You're doing fine. Sometimes you might need to walk away and just take a breath, though. Being a mother is hard, but isn't it so amazing when the sweet side comes out and they run up and hug us and say, "Mommy, I love you"?0 -
When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.
My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.
Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.
My Dad this to me too, and I never threw a tantrum again.
Had no idea other parents tried this approach as well! 0 -
Thank you ALL so much for your amazing advice! Some of it was so detailed and I really appreciate the time taken to help all of us mama's. It's not always easy but trying different techniques can go along way.
Last night we were taking a bath and I asked her to please stand up so I can wash her bottom half. Well she ignored me and kept playing with her toys so I asked her again, and again and again and ...well you get the point. So now I'm starting to get frustrated because she's clearly ignoring me. Then I start yelling.. Stand up! So she splashes me, then throws a toy at me. I'm looking her right in the eye now and she knows she did something wrong but she digs in her heels and looks right back at me. Now I threaten to take away her ipad (we let her watch 20 min of TV at night) and she doesn't' seem to react. So now at this point i'm trying to just wash her quick and get the bath over with, she gets soap in her eyes because she's struggling and the whole things just becomes a huge mess......
The point is we wasted so much time and negative energy because I lost my cool, which in turn causes her to react negatively and cry and be stubborn and so on. Next time we're in that situation I'm going to try the hug thing or ask her about her feelings so she knows I'm trying to understand her POV.
I also like the trick of not saying no, saying yes but with conditions. A lot of times she'll be in the kitchen when i'm making dinner and she wants to snack on things and I say no because then you wont eat your dinner. But instead i'll try yes you may have whatever that is as long as you eat your dinner first....
Again thank you all for your supportive advice. I love my little one to pieces so the less we fight the more time for love and positive energy. Less headaches and more laughter :-)0 -
One thing that often worked to calm my daughter was to mimic what she was doing. If she was screaming, I'd get down on her level and scream back exactly the same way.
It was usually enough to startle her and shock her and she'd just stop.
Also, she was with my mom at the mall once and threw a tantrum and wouldn't stop. My mother in frustration sat down on the floor and started crying and my daughter immediately stopped, hugged her, apologized and said she'd never do it again. lol
Anyway, letting her stomp and scream and throw things out of her crib won't create an anger problem. I let mine scream it out sometimes when it was the only way to keep my sanity and she is almost 20 years old now and is a perfectly normal, calm, reasonable and well-adjusted adult.0 -
mother of 7 kids...
give them 2 choices, DO NOT change the way you present the choices
Youy may x or y , which one
give them time , reasoning is a learned skill,
and control takes effort.
as far as jumping up and down and throwing everything out in the crib, its ok its normal
continue to restate the choices EXACTLY the same way, do not change the wording or order the two options are presented.
reasoning is complex!!!! and if you change wording or order of presentation , then the fight starts,
sometimes they will still get mad pitch a fit throw things etc .. thats perfectly normal, do not yell at her yet, as long as shee and her surroundings are safe, this teaches her its ok to have not nice feelings sometimes.
eventually she will calm down , and make a choice, or by the time she has calmed down she will have completely forgotten about it , either way... she has learned a skill... if you have been anticipating her needs, STOP!!! she needs to develop verbal skills, this is often the issue, she can think and feel things but lacks the words to express..
she will grow out of it in about 2 decades..0 -
you poor thing....it is hard and toddlers can have very bad tantrams. I would suggest when you say no firmly...walk away and (deep breaths) find something to do and IGNORE HER IF SHE PLAYS UP. I used to find that getting the vaccum cleaner out and doing something physical helped me and ALSO it drowns out the tantram........keep going and she will give up because you are not paying her any attention. the more you stick to your word and (dont give her the added attention she is trying to get) each time it will get easier. My kids are now 20 and 23years old and they are both lovely young men. I was quite strict with them when they were young but setting guidlines are best and make sure that when you say NO that she knows you mean NO (dont be tempted to back down or you will never succeed) GOOD LUCK.............ps be assured that your daughter is PERFECTLY normal...........x
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