Toddler Tantrums advice needed
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When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.
My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.
Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.
This made me laugh out loud!0 -
Just break up.
* Oops, sorry * wrong thread. I just felt the need to say something in this thread. My wife somehow managed to do all the heavy lifting when raising my son.... he never caused ME any trouble.
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When my daughter threw one I would ignore her. If she hit me or threw things, she would go in her time out chair until she calmed down and apologized for the physical anger. She is now an extremely well-mannered, lovely, compassionate and obedient almost 9 year old.
They have to respect you and your authority over them. It paves the way for a smoother future, and the love goes with it, too.
As a side note, they used to be so bad, I would do that line from The Exorcist - "The power of Christ compels you !!!". I thought her head would spin around. Nobody believes me now because of how wonderful she is. It will pass - BE STRONG !!!0 -
i say no, she throws a tantrum, lots of big hugs until she stops, i say nothing else, anything i say after the 1st "no" just fuels the fire. both my kids attend Montessori, they use redirection and it works well.0
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I guess I mean are tantrums ok? I feel like I work so hard to avoid the tantrum or stop it when it escalates because i'm worried it's not normal for her to get so upset, but maybe it needs to run it's course....
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Everyone has tantrums, if you think about it. When we're upset with our husbands, friends, siblings, whomever, we have an adult version of a tantrum. How you handle them, however, sort of depends on the child's temperament, though. My child was and is extremely easy in comparison to others I've met/observed. However, since he was a toddler, if he was screaming/yelling/having a meltdown, I would just get down to his level, place my hands on his shoulders and lower my voice, rather than raise it. I would tell him, "I cannot understand you or help you when you're screaming, so right now I need you to calm down and tell me what you need/want." If he wouldn't calm down, I would tell him to sit there until he calmed down, and then when he was ready to talk, we'd talk. It worked every time, because he hardly ever had them, and he's 5 now and still doesn't.
Kids can be very headstrong, though, and they want to be independent as much as possible. You're doing fine. Sometimes you might need to walk away and just take a breath, though. Being a mother is hard, but isn't it so amazing when the sweet side comes out and they run up and hug us and say, "Mommy, I love you"?0 -
When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.
My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.
Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.
My Dad this to me too, and I never threw a tantrum again.
Had no idea other parents tried this approach as well! 0 -
Thank you ALL so much for your amazing advice! Some of it was so detailed and I really appreciate the time taken to help all of us mama's. It's not always easy but trying different techniques can go along way.
Last night we were taking a bath and I asked her to please stand up so I can wash her bottom half. Well she ignored me and kept playing with her toys so I asked her again, and again and again and ...well you get the point. So now I'm starting to get frustrated because she's clearly ignoring me. Then I start yelling.. Stand up! So she splashes me, then throws a toy at me. I'm looking her right in the eye now and she knows she did something wrong but she digs in her heels and looks right back at me. Now I threaten to take away her ipad (we let her watch 20 min of TV at night) and she doesn't' seem to react. So now at this point i'm trying to just wash her quick and get the bath over with, she gets soap in her eyes because she's struggling and the whole things just becomes a huge mess......
The point is we wasted so much time and negative energy because I lost my cool, which in turn causes her to react negatively and cry and be stubborn and so on. Next time we're in that situation I'm going to try the hug thing or ask her about her feelings so she knows I'm trying to understand her POV.
I also like the trick of not saying no, saying yes but with conditions. A lot of times she'll be in the kitchen when i'm making dinner and she wants to snack on things and I say no because then you wont eat your dinner. But instead i'll try yes you may have whatever that is as long as you eat your dinner first....
Again thank you all for your supportive advice. I love my little one to pieces so the less we fight the more time for love and positive energy. Less headaches and more laughter :-)0 -
One thing that often worked to calm my daughter was to mimic what she was doing. If she was screaming, I'd get down on her level and scream back exactly the same way.
It was usually enough to startle her and shock her and she'd just stop.
Also, she was with my mom at the mall once and threw a tantrum and wouldn't stop. My mother in frustration sat down on the floor and started crying and my daughter immediately stopped, hugged her, apologized and said she'd never do it again. lol
Anyway, letting her stomp and scream and throw things out of her crib won't create an anger problem. I let mine scream it out sometimes when it was the only way to keep my sanity and she is almost 20 years old now and is a perfectly normal, calm, reasonable and well-adjusted adult.0 -
mother of 7 kids...
give them 2 choices, DO NOT change the way you present the choices
Youy may x or y , which one
give them time , reasoning is a learned skill,
and control takes effort.
as far as jumping up and down and throwing everything out in the crib, its ok its normal
continue to restate the choices EXACTLY the same way, do not change the wording or order the two options are presented.
reasoning is complex!!!! and if you change wording or order of presentation , then the fight starts,
sometimes they will still get mad pitch a fit throw things etc .. thats perfectly normal, do not yell at her yet, as long as shee and her surroundings are safe, this teaches her its ok to have not nice feelings sometimes.
eventually she will calm down , and make a choice, or by the time she has calmed down she will have completely forgotten about it , either way... she has learned a skill... if you have been anticipating her needs, STOP!!! she needs to develop verbal skills, this is often the issue, she can think and feel things but lacks the words to express..
she will grow out of it in about 2 decades..0 -
you poor thing....it is hard and toddlers can have very bad tantrams. I would suggest when you say no firmly...walk away and (deep breaths) find something to do and IGNORE HER IF SHE PLAYS UP. I used to find that getting the vaccum cleaner out and doing something physical helped me and ALSO it drowns out the tantram........keep going and she will give up because you are not paying her any attention. the more you stick to your word and (dont give her the added attention she is trying to get) each time it will get easier. My kids are now 20 and 23years old and they are both lovely young men. I was quite strict with them when they were young but setting guidlines are best and make sure that when you say NO that she knows you mean NO (dont be tempted to back down or you will never succeed) GOOD LUCK.............ps be assured that your daughter is PERFECTLY normal...........x
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When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.
My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.
Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.
This made me laugh out loud!0 -
Whip that butt. :laugh:0
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Whip that butt. :laugh:
That always worked on me lol. Pretty quickly, in fact. I came out better than alright.0 -
Thank you ALL so much for your amazing advice! Some of it was so detailed and I really appreciate the time taken to help all of us mama's. It's not always easy but trying different techniques can go along way.
Last night we were taking a bath and I asked her to please stand up so I can wash her bottom half. Well she ignored me and kept playing with her toys so I asked her again, and again and again and ...well you get the point. So now I'm starting to get frustrated because she's clearly ignoring me. Then I start yelling.. Stand up! So she splashes me, then throws a toy at me. I'm looking her right in the eye now and she knows she did something wrong but she digs in her heels and looks right back at me. Now I threaten to take away her ipad (we let her watch 20 min of TV at night) and she doesn't' seem to react. So now at this point i'm trying to just wash her quick and get the bath over with, she gets soap in her eyes because she's struggling and the whole things just becomes a huge mess......
The point is we wasted so much time and negative energy because I lost my cool, which in turn causes her to react negatively and cry and be stubborn and so on. Next time we're in that situation I'm going to try the hug thing or ask her about her feelings so she knows I'm trying to understand her POV.
I also like the trick of not saying no, saying yes but with conditions. A lot of times she'll be in the kitchen when i'm making dinner and she wants to snack on things and I say no because then you wont eat your dinner. But instead i'll try yes you may have whatever that is as long as you eat your dinner first....
Again thank you all for your supportive advice. I love my little one to pieces so the less we fight the more time for love and positive energy. Less headaches and more laughter :-)
I can see in this response that you recognize that the biggest problem is your anger and you are working to fix this. That should be commended and practiced. She's reacting to it. In the bath situation, just stand her up and scrub her in a no nonsense fashion. She hasn't started a tantrum, she's just ignoring you like all kids do. You're bigger than she is, and just like a puppy, move her where she needs to be and wash her. Don't ask her to stand over and over again. Stand her little butt up!
Hugging/pinning/controlling the situation is for when the tantrum has already started. Don't let it start in the first place if you can avoid it with a little no nonsense control.0 -
yup - completely normal for three year olds...
You answered your own question a bit - you said " It's hard to reason with a 3 year old" - so don't. YOU are the parent and you can remove the anger element if you stop trying to make her happy. Doing yes with conditions is a setup to NEVER being able to just say no. EVERYTHING will be a debate I didn't always explain my no's either. sometimes I just said no. They will learn in time that sometimes there are no's and sometimes there are yes's. Obviously - in life there are lots of opportunities to say yes - and do when you can, but not for them to not be mad or have a tantrum. That is real life, it happens.
Rather than expecting that a three year old is going to obediently do everything you ask, how about you don't set either of you up for a melt down. Instead of asking them to get up to wash the bottom half (like your example), lift them and wash them. End of story. three year olds are figuring out boundaries - that's their full time job. Also - try whispering instead of yelling. it's much more effective.0 -
Thank you ALL so much for your amazing advice! Some of it was so detailed and I really appreciate the time taken to help all of us mama's. It's not always easy but trying different techniques can go along way.
Last night we were taking a bath and I asked her to please stand up so I can wash her bottom half. Well she ignored me and kept playing with her toys so I asked her again, and again and again and ...well you get the point. So now I'm starting to get frustrated because she's clearly ignoring me. Then I start yelling.. Stand up! So she splashes me, then throws a toy at me. I'm looking her right in the eye now and she knows she did something wrong but she digs in her heels and looks right back at me. Now I threaten to take away her ipad (we let her watch 20 min of TV at night) and she doesn't' seem to react. So now at this point i'm trying to just wash her quick and get the bath over with, she gets soap in her eyes because she's struggling and the whole things just becomes a huge mess......
The point is we wasted so much time and negative energy because I lost my cool, which in turn causes her to react negatively and cry and be stubborn and so on. Next time we're in that situation I'm going to try the hug thing or ask her about her feelings so she knows I'm trying to understand her POV.
I also like the trick of not saying no, saying yes but with conditions. A lot of times she'll be in the kitchen when i'm making dinner and she wants to snack on things and I say no because then you wont eat your dinner. But instead i'll try yes you may have whatever that is as long as you eat your dinner first....
Again thank you all for your supportive advice. I love my little one to pieces so the less we fight the more time for love and positive energy. Less headaches and more laughter :-)
I can see in this response that you recognize that the biggest problem is your anger and you are working to fix this. That should be commended and practiced. She's reacting to it. In the bath situation, just stand her up and scrub her in a no nonsense fashion. She hasn't started a tantrum, she's just ignoring you like all kids do. You're bigger than she is, and just like a puppy, move her where she needs to be and wash her. Don't ask her to stand over and over again. Stand her little butt up!
Hugging/pinning/controlling the situation is for when the tantrum has already started. Don't let it start in the first place if you can avoid it with a little no nonsense control.
Yes to all of the above. She's three, and you are the boss. Explanations (reasons) for things work on older kids okay, but for younger, the only reason you need is "because I said so". And food prep is always a time of problems. To prevent the constant asking, I used to have a ready snack for the kids waiting in the kitchen when I was getting the meal together. It was something small, and not sugary-apple, or carrot sticks, or bread and butter. I'd hand it to them and point out the kitchen door. Made a general rule-no kids in the kitchen when I'm cooking. It's not safe anyway. Worked pretty well.
last caution: I hope you actually took her ipad away. When you make a threat, you have to follow through. Don't say it if you don't mean it, because you'll be training her to ignore you further.0 -
Wait ... does this 3-year-old have her OWN iPad or does she just watch TV on yours?0
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I was at a meeting for kids with anxiety...I'm NOT saying she has anxiety but they presenter was a researcher of child behavior so she added a lot about general kids not just ones with anxiety. Anyway, one thing she said was that kids act up the most between 4:30 pm and 7pm because those are the times parents are usually the most busy (meal prep, trying to get stuff done after work, etc) And in their head negative attention is better then no attention. So kids misbehave and do things just to have the attention, and she's right. My son would rather have the bad attention then none, I know I'm guilty of it. If he is playing nicely while I'm busy I do kind of ignore him. So she suggested making appoint of going to see what they are doing every 5 mins or so and praising them on their good behavior. And not to ignore bad behavior but they will learn that they can get your attention without it and eventually stop.
As far as the bath...what everyone else said, ask once and if she doesn't listen then just stand her up and do what needs to be done. Don't get to the point where you get so mad, it will teach her you mean business and that ignoring won't help her, she won't like it but tell her you asked once and that she shouldn't have ignored you. She will learn.0 -
Wait ... does this 3-year-old have her OWN iPad or does she just watch TV on yours?
Was wondering this myself but didn't want to derail the convo. Might be part of the problem lol...0 -
Bump! I am having such a hard time with my children. Will read the advice a lil later.0
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That was kind of my thought. But it may be just an issue of how she wrote it and maybe it isn't actually the child's own iPad.Wait ... does this 3-year-old have her OWN iPad or does she just watch TV on yours?
Was wondering this myself but didn't want to derail the convo. Might be part of the problem lol...0 -
Wait ... does this 3-year-old have her OWN iPad or does she just watch TV on yours?
Was wondering this myself but didn't want to derail the convo. Might be part of the problem lol...
The ipad is mine and she is allow to watch 20 min of a movie or kid show on it in bed. Last night it was taken away, just as promised. We read two books together (which we usually do) and then I put her to bed. She asked for the ipad and I explained that she would have it tomorrow if she was a good girl. I reminded her again this morning the reason it was taken away and explained she had to work toward being a good girl if she wanted it back.0 -
There is a DVD by a psychologist (can't remember his name) called 1-2-3 Magic. It is brilliant. He made me laugh, my son is now 9, but when he was 3 or 4 and I was watching it, I remember he said something like, "Toddlers are like wild animals" lol You cannot reason with them. I highly recommend the DVD. There is also a book, but I didn't read it, went straight for the DVD. 0
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Wait ... does this 3-year-old have her OWN iPad or does she just watch TV on yours?
Was wondering this myself but didn't want to derail the convo. Might be part of the problem lol...
The ipad is mine and she is allow to watch 20 min of a movie or kid show on it in bed. Last night it was taken away, just as promised. We read two books together (which we usually do) and then I put her to bed. She asked for the ipad and I explained that she would have it tomorrow if she was a good girl. I reminded her again this morning the reason it was taken away and explained she had to work toward being a good girl if she wanted it back.
Oh, good) 0 -
I was at a meeting for kids with anxiety...I'm NOT saying she has anxiety but they presenter was a researcher of child behavior so she added a lot about general kids not just ones with anxiety. Anyway, one thing she said was that kids act up the most between 4:30 pm and 7pm because those are the times parents are usually the most busy (meal prep, trying to get stuff done after work, etc) And in their head negative attention is better then no attention. So kids misbehave and do things just to have the attention, and she's right. My son would rather have the bad attention then none, I know I'm guilty of it. If he is playing nicely while I'm busy I do kind of ignore him. So she suggested making appoint of going to see what they are doing every 5 mins or so and praising them on their good behavior. And not to ignore bad behavior but they will learn that they can get your attention without it and eventually stop.
As far as the bath...what everyone else said, ask once and if she doesn't listen then just stand her up and do what needs to be done. Don't get to the point where you get so mad, it will teach her you mean business and that ignoring won't help her, she won't like it but tell her you asked once and that she shouldn't have ignored you. She will learn.
yes it's true. I need to be more patient and not let myself get all worked up when she's ignoring me or whatever. I'm learning too and we're making progress. I know she's listening and more importantly understanding what i'm saying because when she was asking for the ipad last night over and over, after I took it away I told her I wanted a hug and kiss goodnight and she just kept saying she wanted the ipad. My husband and I were just looking at her waiting for her to stop and funny thing is my husband and I couldn't keep a straight face. We were trying not to show her but some times these moments are just so silly you have to laugh. Anyways I stuck to my guns and I said no ipad now give me a hug and she asked for it again so I said ok maybe I will give you the ipad and you know she got right up and gave me a hug. I said to my husband, see she knows what we're saying.
Anyways it was a test I explained once again why she wasn't getting it and we went on with our day.0 -
time out probably doesn't work because you let her win. Don't.
I have 3 kids, just turned 5, almost 4, and 8 months...
My girls have been taking time outs for a long time now. I had to kind of stand behind them so they didn't think it was ok to walk around. They got 2 minutes of being quiet, standing still, forehead to the wall. Now they get 5 minutes.
It may sound tough, but I don't have bratty children You just have to TEACH them what they can and cannot do. They're not born knowing right from wrong. 0 -
I highly recommend the Love and Logic series. Worked wonders when my precious was a toddler monster. Still works wonders. The gist of it is to allow your kid to experience the wonder of consequences. As in, last night my teen would not get herself to bed on time. This morning she may have been surprised that I did not wait for her and I left for work right on time, so she had to walk to school since she was tired and running late.
Consequences suck. Bummer. My money is on her going to bed on time tonight and getting her butt out of bed and ready for an on-time departure tomorrow.
The hardest part with younger kids is following through with explaining the consequence-action relationship and how it's all in their control if they wish to avoid unpleasantness.0 -
Kids don't understand logic, but they're pretty visual and obviously emotional. If you keep it simple I think you'll have a tremendous amount of success. For example, the kid is in the bath freaking out. As she's freaking out, just say something like, "Do you know how you feel right now? (and wait for her to register what you said, if she doesn't just apathetically wait) That is how you make me feel when you do mean things to me and hit me." Or do some Anthony Robins on the kid and when she's about to lose it start jumping up and down and making noises to distract her mind entirely away from the breakdown.0
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I have a three year old daughter too. Oh man, are these fun times!
I am a big fan of the cry it out. It doesn't matter where we are. I just let her scream her face off. Sure, it is embarrasing sometimes. But it works. I try to stay as straight faced as possible and just let it run it's course. The tantrums become fewer and fewer because they get no reaction and she doesn't get what she wants.
I also have a 13 year old daughter that I did this with and she has no anger issues so I guess it worked. Good luck.0 -
Totally normal. I think 3 should be renamed as the terrible three's, since two is easy by comparison. :laugh:
When my daughter was younger, there were times when we would have to leave stores because of tantrums. If we were at home, I would put her in her room until she was done having her tantrum. She would even put herself in her room to have her tantrum, and then come out when she was done.
I know it's hard not to engage and yell. If she is somewhere safe, leave the room. Let her know that this behavior is not acceptable and you will return when she is done. Then leave her to have her tantrum. Being a toddler is rough, because you have so many emotions but you don't have the language skills yet to express yourself properly.
Just do your best, and try to keep in mind that her tantrums don't reflect on your parenting skills. 3 year old girls seems to be part banshee.
This. I tell my kids it's ok to be mad, but I'm not going to watch them have a fit. They can rejoin the family when they are ready to be nice.0
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