Toddler Tantrums advice needed

SemperAnticus1643

Consistency is key! Whatever the end result or punishment may be, it needs to be consistent.

My oldest was the fireball for me. That girl has a temper on her. I didn't want to break her spirit cause she's absolutely amazing but I didn't want to let her run over me either. It got easier as time when on but I just started sitting her down and talking to her. Explaining why I said what I said. It wasn't because I didn't want her to do/have something, there was a particular reason. This has helped in her older years because she knows we will talk and I will explain to her why I say or do the things that I do. It's not to punish her or not let her have fun, my job is to protect and raise a good human being. I also ask her what she feels to be a suitable punishment. She usually grounds herself if she's done something wrong. lol

rml_16

Wait ... does this 3-year-old have her OWN iPad or does she just watch TV on yours?

Was wondering this myself but didn't want to derail the convo. Might be part of the problem lol...

The ipad is mine and she is allow to watch 20 min of a movie or kid show on it in bed. Last night it was taken away, just as promised. We read two books together (which we usually do) and then I put her to bed. She asked for the ipad and I explained that she would have it tomorrow if she was a good girl. I reminded her again this morning the reason it was taken away and explained she had to work toward being a good girl if she wanted it back.

Oh good. I feel better now. :-)

And good job sticking to the consequences. That's key!

brinabj

... i really dont have this problem if my 4 year old son but if he does step out of line all i have to do is look at him he knows i do not play and it is stopped. If he keeps it up he will not get i pad time , time out or if he is really out of line he knows he will get a beating. He is well behaved and everyone pratically begs me to watch him. But i just stay on him and make sure he knows what is not acceptable and how to be respectful and what Im not going to tolerate.

CompressedCarbon

I pick mine up and hug her until she's calm. I don't say anything. If she doesn't want a hug, too bad, I'm stronger. She generally calms down and we can discuss things normally.

This. My #2 was volcanic. We used "time ins" and would go off by ourselves where I would hold her (restrain her sometimes) and rock her until she was calm. Life is horrifically frustrating for a toddler. Here is an area when you can demonstrate that you will always help her regain control and calm.

It didn't take long for my daughter to demand, and sometimes shriek, "I NEED TO BE ROCKED!!!!" And 100% of the time, she was correct, she did. She needed help to regain control and she recognized she needed out of whatever situation she was in.

nikkylyn

Give them 2 choices ( both of which you want them to pick). For instance I tell my girls tv time is over you can A color or B play outside. Toddlers are notorious for wanting to take control I find it best to let them have a choice but not necessarily the choice they want such as: watch tv all day long.

Also once you say NO mean it dont ever go back on your word. Let him scream cry whatever eventually they will understand that when mom says NO it means NO.

I do use time outs for discipline but usually we dont have to because I try to redirect and offer them another option. Especially if they are screaming and acting outright crazy they go to their room because they will not get attention for that behavior.

Make sure to give lots of positive praise. Say things like Im so proud of the way you behaved in the store today, I knew you could do it. You are so special. My girls are 4 and 5 and they really do respond well to the positive praise.

Stay strong and consistent.

erelyl

I have to say i was really enjoying reading through this thread, some excellent non judgemental advice is being given. I'm taking notes, as i'm soon going to be taking foster care placements, and while i know how to handle my own son, they are all different and what works with one is not necessarily going to help with another.

We've all been there at times, and those little ones know exactly which button to push to get a reaction! My little dude is 4, and i've been a single mom since he was 8 months old, so i did my best to avoid the tantrums to begin with. The easiest way i found to do that was to make sure he knew well in advance what to expect. If we are going out somewhere he gets reminded of how to behave before we leave the house, and again before we get out of the car. (What are the rules? no running, no yelling, say please/thank you, etc). If it's a playground trip i let him know we are staying for a half hour, hour, etc, and start giving him warnings as we approach the end of play time "we are leaving in ten minutes. Five minutes now, start gathering your things. Two minutes, say goodbye to your friends" It doesn't always work, but it definitely helps. This works with bath time too "two more minutes to play then we are going to scrub!"

When a tantrum starts i try to defuse. My kiddo will usually start out whining, and from the beginning i've always pretended i couldn't understand him when he whines "oh i'm sorry i don't speak whine! could you please say that again nicely?" On the rare occasion we had full blown tantrums i'll take him somewhere quiet and private, let him work it out for a minute or two, and then ask him if he'd like a hug when the tears start.

Looking back i know that tantrums for my kiddo are a result of being tired or hungry. I consider myself very lucky that for the most part he is a very good little guy, and it's up to me to manage the energy levels and give him appropriate responsibility adn independence. That helps too. I did up and leave a grocery store once while he kicked me, and we've never had to do it a second time. Now if he's being stubborn and defiant i'll remind him that mommy will just take him out of there, and he usually cooperates. His dad however has NO such discipline with him, i have no idea how they ever manage to go out in public because kiddo knows how to run him up down and all around!

erelyl

Make sure to give lots of positive praise. Say things like Im so proud of the way you behaved in the store today, I knew you could do it. You are so special.

This! Positive reminders are SO important. It's so easy for them to get attention with negative behavior that sometimes i forget about the positives. When kiddo has a good swimming lesson i tell him how proud i am and how well he did listening to his teacher. After a nice dinner out with family i tell him that he did a great job using his table manners and speaking nicely to the waitress. He always looks so proud and happy too

nicolemontagna22

As for discipline - follow through and be consistent. If you tell her you're going to do something, do it, and do it every single time. I don't know what your personal discipline choices are, but consistency and follow through are vital.

Totally agree with this! I am a TSS worker and work with children to build compliance and decrease tantrums. Here's the bad news. You will have to ride out the bad behaviors wen in public. If u absolutely can't take it and must leave the store make it to your child like you are leaving as a punishment for behavior. "Now we are leaving because you weren't a good boy/girl and you don't get anything". There are too many instances to give examples of but if you want to add me as a friend I can help you out as you go!

Kamikazeflutterby

One of our kid's BIG tantrum triggers is when she disagrees with why she gets in trouble for something.

For example, she hits something, and I tell her she's not supposed to hit said thing, and now that she knows she'll get a time out if she does it again. So next time she kicks it, and gets a time out because I warned her, right? Wrong. Hitting and kicking are completely different activities. Technically, she's right, and she will not do her time quietly because she didn't disobey.

To stick with that example, I've actually gone back, sat down, and explained to her that kicking is wrong, too, and maybe I should have phrased my warning differently. I've apologized for being unclear, then explained that she still did wrong, and is still getting a time out for kicking even though she didn't get a specific warning about it. She'll grudgingly do her timeout, with sniffling, and woe-is-me-ing, but at least no more screaming.

They are evil little rules lawyers. One of our parenting mantras is "Technically correct--the best kind of correct!" and while it is a stolen quote from Futurama, it applies amazingly well to three year olds.

thirteeninches

Make sure to give lots of positive praise. Say things like Im so proud of the way you behaved in the store today, I knew you could do it. You are so special.

This! Positive reminders are SO important. It's so easy for them to get attention with negative behavior that sometimes i forget about the positives. When kiddo has a good swimming lesson i tell him how proud i am and how well he did listening to his teacher. After a nice dinner out with family i tell him that he did a great job using his table manners and speaking nicely to the waitress. He always looks so proud and happy too

One thing I did wrong when my kids were under age 11 is I gave them the wrong kind of praise. I used to say "good job!" and ""you're awesome" or "you're doing great!" and "you're a good boy!" Believe it or not, this was a mistake. I discovered it with my oldest when he became a teen and I deemed him old enough to handle more critical praise. I still said "good job" but I lowered the enthusiasm and added a small correction. But he'd grown accustomed to measuring his self-worth with the vague "good job!" kind of praise, rather than any concrete behavior. So I had to change the way I praised my kids. Thankfully, my oldest, who had the toughest time adjusting, is able to take constructive criticism without it damaging his self-worth now. And the change in the way I praise my kids has helped shorten their learning curve.

What I do now is I give them descriptive praise. Instead of the vague "good job!" (which is kind of lazy anyway) I say, "I really like the way you cleaned your room. You picked up all your clothes and put them in the basket, and you made your bed. Thanks! I bet you like it better with the floor cleared."

This little trick has made an enormous difference in training good habits, and encouraging the right kind of self-esteem.

btw, I agree this is a great thread. wish I would have had access to this info when my kids were young.

disneygallagirl

Awesome advice here....