Dealing with "food shame" and obsession

delazouche

Has anyone else here developed a very negative, obsessive mental state during their weight loss journey?

I put off losing weight out of fear of it. I had a bit of an eating disorder during high school, got down to BMI of about 16 and still obsessed until I somehow broke out of it and forced myself to stop counting calories, etc. For years afterwards I totally ignored nutrition facts out of fear that the eating disorder would come back and rule my life, but after finding out I was 16 lbs overweight this year, I couldn’t ignore things anymore. I’ve lost about 35 at this point, far past my original goal, BMI is 21.3. I know that’s perfectly healthy and so I’ve started toying with the idea of maintaining, but slowly I’ve started snapping a little bit psychologically and feel immense guilt and shame over thinking I’m good enough where I am.

I keep struggling with eating in front of most people, thinking they will judge me, and sometimes they really do. I turned down eating pizza with my dad a few weeks ago but still ate fried chicken tenders at the restaurant we wound up going to. He called me out for it, and I was in absolute despair the rest of the weekend with my guilt, even though I still lost weight after that meal. I get terrified that people are watching me closely and have the goal in my head to not just be thin, but so thin that people absolutely cannot justify pointing out any chub and might “allow” me to eat more. For whatever reason, I’m not bothered by this around my mom, and a meal I had just with her this weekend was the first in months that I enjoyed without shame. I would personally like to just start maintaining, but when I do eat more, I feel like I have to discuss it with whoever is around me and justify it to them, lest they look at me and think “oh there she goes, overeating again.” So far I’ve only let myself go up to 1300 calories a day, though from what I’ve read 1600 at the lowest should be ok for me to maintain. At my current intake I wiggle up and down a few pounds and the thought of eating more terrifies me.

….I just kind of let all that tumble out and it might be irrelevant. I just wonder if any of you have had this overwhelming “food shame” consume you and how you deal with it, how you get yourself to realize that being ok with yourself is fine and stop obsessing over other people possibly still thinking you need to improve.
(and yes, I’ve already debated seeing a therapist about this)

theJTfitness

I used to worry about it, now I kind of own it. You get to a point where you're in shape and eat pizza, ice cream, cake, candy bars, etc. and people start to think you're a genetic freak.

I know it's hard, but keep focusing on yourself and your goals and not what people think. Keep thinking "This is for ME and not anyone else." Good luck!

azyzzam

I used to be more extreme, would fast if I went over cals the previous day, burning 1,000 cals on the treadmill. I did some pretty crazy things but food is still the #1 thing on my mind.

I'm getting better and working towards it, but definitely obsessed. I have a really tough time eating anything someone gives me or makes for me because I don't know what in it. But if I'm bingeing, I'll eat anything in sight.

maz2469

^^^^^ Glad I'm not the only one!!!!

I feel obsessed with food and if I'm not being very good, I'm binging, probably because I'm mentally exhausted.

I'm just as bad with exercise - if I miss a day or binge I try and make up for it (it's not that easy sadly)!

I exercise at 5.30am every morning to get it done before work because I know I would struggle at the end of the day, but may have to re-think!

When you've figured it out, let me know....

fificrazy

People with eating disorders aren't supposed to lose weight... like, ever. It's a trigger for the disease. Which might explain what you're experiencing again.

MyOwnSunshine

Maybe you can turn your obsessive attitude towards eating and food into a healthy thing. I know that lifting weights has helped me to consider food as fuel and realize that I am doing a good thing for my body when I am eating to meet my macros and calorie range. Lifting heavy has helped me realize that my body's energy levels and performance is directly related to the amount and quality of fuel I consume.

I would also strongly recommend a good counselor who specializes in disordered eating to help you change the way you think about food. Shame and guilt are very powerful emotions and you may need some help to reframe your thinking. (I attended counseling with a cognitive behavioral therapist for several years and can credit much of my success to that process.)

deksgrl

Get professional help. None of what you describe is healthy.

ThinLizzie0802

I would agree with seeking professional help. Search out counselors who emphasize food issues. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a mental state you can just overcome on your own. It also sounds like your family is not helping with the situation. You should not have a moral value attached to eating chicken strips at a restaurant. Please look into counseling-it can be beneficial on so many levels.

BeckyGee84

What you're describing doesn't sound healthy. Obsessing that much over what other people think of your eating habits is going to destroy your self esteem and send you down a path leading to anorexia or bulimia. If I felt that way about food, I'd call a therapist today.

LauraSpeth85

I feel like, with me, I've been doing MFP for almost a year and it is so ingrained in my head now to watch everything I eat. And that makes it really hard when I'm out with friends or at a family function because everything seems to revolve around FOOD. Either I want to eat everything in sight or I've reined myself in so well that I don't eat anything and then I always get the weird looks and remarks about why I'm not eating everything. On the one hand it's like duh, I've worked so hard to get here (down 40 lbs) so why would I want to go all cray-cray now?! And then it's also like, I'm tired of always passing up the good stuff/bigger portions/etc. It's a fine line to walk. Like next Monday my son's first grade class is having a class picnic where all the parents are invited for lunch, and I don't know what to do because I don't know what they're serving so how can I prepare for it calorie wise? I feel like it's rude to not eat but then again if I don't stay within my daily calorie intake it becomes way too easy for me to justify going on an all-out binge. And now that I'm writing this, I feel like I'm crazy. Haha.

ichigomaybridge

I understand that it is hard but is there any way that you can tell people how them commenting on your weight, food intake, food choices, etc make you feel? Maybe start by telling your mum as it sounds like that might be slightly easier. Then perhaps you can tell your dad that him commenting on your food choices is making you feel upset and guilty and could he please keep those comments to himself as they are unhelpful. I'm sure that he wouldn't want to be doing something to harm you (which he unwittingly is) and would appreciate knowing that. Maybe your mum could be moral support. (I don't know your family situation so I don't know if your parents are together or if that would be anything like a good idea!).

I wish you well and hope that you can find the inner strength to fight the guilty thoughts and that you can learn to eat healthily. We are here to help you in any way we can. :flowerforyou:

HanamiDango

delazouche - I do suggest seeing a therapist about your feelings. I would suggest anyone who has gone through an ED to consult with a doctor before starting a weight loss program. Also talk to the people around you and explain your thoughts and feelings. Good luck

azyzzam - I suggest you also talk to someone hun, if you are not. No reason to try alone.

maz2469 - Find a schedule that works for you. I work out in the evening and find a hobby besides food or calories burned.

I think it is safe to say we are in this to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. If anyone ever feels like they are going into an eating disorder, please seek help. I know the balance can be very hard to keep, some of us gone from one end of the line to the other, without ever stopping in the middle. However, we can find the balance.

*hugs*

delazouche

Thank you all for the support and suggestions! I was nervous even to post anything here, expecting some backlash (there's that expecting to be put-down thing again).

fificrazy- I think there's a lot of truth in that. I like to brush off my experience with an ED as not that bad, but part of me thinks I shouldn't. If I open up about it to anyone in my life, they don't seem to react or believe me. I was always worried in the back of my head that it might sprout up again, and well, I think it might be.

MyOwnSunshine- that is actually a GREAT idea, and one I've tried to put into motion this week. I'm setting bigger work-out goals to help me compensate for the guilt over eating closer to maintenance calories, and I'm very interested in doing more weight-lifting. I just need to find someone who can show me the ropes with that.

ichigomaybird- I did open up to my mom about everything, which helped me enjoy that one glorious day of eating like a normal person, with only her around. She put things in perspective and didn't place judgement on me or comment on how much I was eating at all, just asked if I wanted any more. She travels for work 80% of the time though, so I rarely get to eat with her. My dad, I think, is just oblivious to his impact on me. His freak-out over learning I weighed 125 lbs in 6th grade (already at 5'5" tall) is what initially triggered these feelings in the first place, I sometimes think. He's always been harsh, a fitness freak, and unfortunately has that awful stereotypical *kitten* male idea that women are only attractive if they are 5'0" tall with tiny feet, big boobs, and hair to their hips...which makes him aghast at learning things like I truly wear a size 10 shoe and am nearly as tall as him. I really would love it if people could not comment on my weight at all, positive or negative, especially when eating is imminent, but I struggle with letting them know that politely.

To everyone suggesting professional help, I think you are probably right. I resist it out of the assumption that a therapist won't believe me or take me seriously either, but it is worth a try to me. I get a few free sessions with my work benefits anyway, so nothing to lose, right?

DWBalboa

I have known several young ladies that also had ED’s and it always bothered me that they couldn’t what I saw when I looked at them, and I would say the same applies to you. You are an absolutely beautiful young lady and should not worry about what others think, learn to love yourself for who you are for that’s what is truly important; you will hopefully then learn not to care what others think. But I guess that’s a moot point because you can’t simple just stop feeling the way you feel. You mention seeing a therapist and I would say at this point it is a good idea given the fact that you have dealt with these feelings for years.
If you choose not to talk to a therapist then confide in your friends and family about your feelings, I can’t imagine anyone in your life not being willing to not only listen but to support you as well.
As a father of a teen girl who doesn’t like to spend much time with her daddy I’d like to add, NEVER turn down a chance to eat pizza with your dad, enjoy each and every chance to do so. It makes us happy, and we don’t see our baby girls as anything but the most beautiful perfect little angels.
I hope that you and everyone with ED’s learn to cope with their disorders and if I said anything that may have offended anybody that was not my intent and if so I offer my sincerest apology.
V/r,
DW

Marcia315

First: Your dad is a douche.

Second: When you get old like me, you realize everyone else is so absorbed with themselves they aren't noticing what you do. And if they do notice, they probably just look and go back to their own thoughts. There will always be some random jackhole who will comment, but if you don't have a relationship with them, it really shouldn't matter.

delazouche

DWBalboa, Thank you for the encouragement and compliments It's nice to hear from a dad who wants to spend more time with his daughter! To clear things up, I only turned down the pizza place option because it was a restaurant I really dislike. We went to O'Charley's instead and it was there that he commented on me choosing something fried after saying no to pizza. To add to the insult, he had ordered the exact same meal as me. I know I'm making him sound absolutely awful, but he truly is clueless about how offensive and hurtful he can be. I actually enjoy seeing him when I can, but it's usually me making the plans!

annette_15

I posted this in the 'Is being skinny worth it?' thread:


I'll say that I had a much more relaxed relationship with food before I started all this. Food was just something I ate to get me through the day. I would eat when I was hungry, never planned my meals, never really gave it a second thought. Back then I always said if I could take a pill and not have to eat I would. Unfortunately I was just ignorant, naive and made bad choices cause I didnt know any better.

I'm much happier with how I look now, I can share countless NSV's, I'm able to physically do pretty much whatever I put my mind to and I can wear almost all the clothes I never could before. The positives seriously are AWESOME

However, I know this isn't the case for everyone. I Have a very obsessive personality and I've always become really good at whatever I wanna get really good at. I've spent a LOT of time reading, researching, learning how to cook, reading labels etc that calorie counting and food has almost taken over my life. I've developed a very bad relationship with food even tho on the outside I seem to be doing everything right, and I am most days. Its the internal dialogue and just constant battle in my mind that bothers me. I know too much about food now. I cant relax about it like I would before. When we're out for dinner I'm always wondering how much oil they've used preparing the food, estimating calories, wondering if/what I should leave on the plate so I dont over eat, never chosing what I WANT from the menu, but what I know will fit in my day. Food isnt 'enjoyable' anymore cause I'm not letting myself enjoy it.

I KNOW that I can easily slide over to the dark side if I'm not careful. I know I'm smart enough to not do it but its hard man... I'm telling you. Its a toss up for me deciding if my mental state now is worth the weight I've lost. I'm gonna say yes for now but If I knew then what could happen I'm not sure I woulda started the journey.

noway ohwell flowerforyou


So yeah I can very much relate...

Bernadette60614

Your body is YOUR body. Not your father's, mother's, boyfriend's or society's.

It is there to take care of you so you can do all the amazing things you are capable of doing now and in the future.

And, if I may suggest: A healthy relationship with own bodies is to take care of them. We only get one!

Have you considered seeing a nutritionist? Not a "diet" nutritionist but someone who might help you learn more about your own biochemistry..so you won't live in fear that every calorie is going to lead to disordered eating? Taking care of your body doesn't mean starving it, and it doesn't mean being afraid of eating and learning more about how your body functions in relationship to food might help.

Then, next time your dad say something you can say: You know, Dad, my nutritionist says....

AnnonMiss

People with eating disorders aren't supposed to lose weight... like, ever. It's a trigger for the disease.

Not entirely true. Some people have eating disorders where all they do is eat and eventually become morbidly obese. At that point they DO need to lose weight and just learn to eat in moderation.

delazouche

I posted this in the 'Is being skinny worth it?' thread:


I'll say that I had a much more relaxed relationship with food before I started all this. Food was just something I ate to get me through the day. I would eat when I was hungry, never planned my meals, never really gave it a second thought. Back then I always said if I could take a pill and not have to eat I would. Unfortunately I was just ignorant, naive and made bad choices cause I didnt know any better.

I'm much happier with how I look now, I can share countless NSV's, I'm able to physically do pretty much whatever I put my mind to and I can wear almost all the clothes I never could before. The positives seriously are AWESOME

However, I know this isn't the case for everyone. I Have a very obsessive personality and I've always become really good at whatever I wanna get really good at. I've spent a LOT of time reading, researching, learning how to cook, reading labels etc that calorie counting and food has almost taken over my life. I've developed a very bad relationship with food even tho on the outside I seem to be doing everything right, and I am most days. Its the internal dialogue and just constant battle in my mind that bothers me. I know too much about food now. I cant relax about it like I would before. When we're out for dinner I'm always wondering how much oil they've used preparing the food, estimating calories, wondering if/what I should leave on the plate so I dont over eat, never chosing what I WANT from the menu, but what I know will fit in my day. Food isnt 'enjoyable' anymore cause I'm not letting myself enjoy it.

I KNOW that I can easily slide over to the dark side if I'm not careful. I know I'm smart enough to not do it but its hard man... I'm telling you. Its a toss up for me deciding if my mental state now is worth the weight I've lost. I'm gonna say yes for now but If I knew then what could happen I'm not sure I woulda started the journey.

noway ohwell flowerforyou


So yeah I can very much relate...

That sounds VERY similar to what I'm experiencing. I really can't relax and enjoy food anymore like I used to, and I try to remind myself it took YEARS for me to put the weight on. It crept up very, very slowly, and logically I do not need to obsess over my intake every second of the day, but it's what I think about constantly. Looking back, I'm not so sure I would have gone about the drastic change I've gone through either, had I known my sanity would suffer. I've always been the perfectionist sort, too, and wonder if this doesn't go along with the personality. It's never been good enough for me to do well, I have to give the BEST possible performance in everything I attempt and feel I've failed otherwise.

rexroars

I think what you really need to do is see a nutritionist or a therapist (both would be best!) And no need to feel ashamed about that, your feelings are (unfortunately) normal, I've definitely felt the same way.

I would try, in the mean time, to focus the obsession on things like making sure you get all of your nutrients for the day, or making progress with exercises (like increasing weights when lifting etc). Obsession for me is something that affects multiple aspects of my life, but trying to put it towards things that will build me up if possible.

sb4480

I view eating disorders as incurable. Yes, you can recover from one, but like alcoholism, you'll always have it with you on some level. It's clear that you're experiencing disordered thinking, which is now affecting your daily life and interactions with people. Whether you're a healthy weight now, or not, now is the time to go talk to someone about it. Before it gets worse.

Not a therapist, but I wonder if the shame and feelings of being judged, and perhaps even the source of dysmorphia you have are rooted in your relationship with your father. Clearly you feel your mother is a safe haven. Your father, as someone else stated, is a douche. Maybe not that bad, but he's clearly critical where he shouldn't be. Even if you were morbidly obese, if you're an adult and you want to eat a chicken finger, you should be allowed to do so without criticism. Granted, I'd expect my father to voice concern about my health if I were MO, but you're not, and that's not what he did. Have you ever told your dad how his comments make you feel?

Would you consider talking to your doctor or a therapist about your feelings? You paint a pretty concerning picture.

delazouche

Your body is YOUR body. Not your father's, mother's, boyfriend's or society's.

It is there to take care of you so you can do all the amazing things you are capable of doing now and in the future.

And, if I may suggest: A healthy relationship with own bodies is to take care of them. We only get one!

Have you considered seeing a nutritionist? Not a "diet" nutritionist but someone who might help you learn more about your own biochemistry..so you won't live in fear that every calorie is going to lead to disordered eating? Taking care of your body doesn't mean starving it, and it doesn't mean being afraid of eating and learning more about how your body functions in relationship to food might help.

Then, next time your dad say something you can say: You know, Dad, my nutritionist says....

I've been working to lose weight through a professional weight loss/nutrition clinic, but maybe that's not entirely the same. I stopped taking prescription pills just last week and cancelled my next appointment with them because it was starting to feel like money-mongering on that front, but they welcome me coming in for a weigh-in/to discuss my progress for free any time. The people who work there have been helpful when I have questions and taught me what to look for and value in food nutrition-wise, but maybe seeking out a dedicated nutritionist outside their office is worth looking into. In the beginning the doctor there seemed happy to spend appointment time discussing nutrition with me, but the past few months have all been "Oh, ok, you did great this month! See ya!" with me badgering in a few questions where I can.

DWBalboa

DWBalboa, Thank you for the encouragement and compliments It's nice to hear from a dad who wants to spend more time with his daughter! To clear things up, I only turned down the pizza place option because it was a restaurant I really dislike. We went to O'Charley's instead and it was there that he commented on me choosing something fried after saying no to pizza. To add to the insult, he had ordered the exact same meal as me. I know I'm making him sound absolutely awful, but he truly is clueless about how offensive and hurtful he can be. I actually enjoy seeing him when I can, but it's usually me making the plans!

Oh you are more than welcome; life is just too short for sour lemons and I hate when I see people not enjoying it. Sometimes our parents and family (and friends) in general can be the most hurtful but I choose to believe that it’s out of love. They just don’t always think before they speak, but then again aren’t we are all guilty of that in some capacity at one time in our lives.
I get the not wanting to eat at a place you don’t like, bad pizza is just wrong, I’d rather have no pizza than have bad pizza!
I know it’s not easy but maybe you should talk to your father about this. I would bet that if he knew that he had in anyway hurt your feelings that he would be truly sorry.
And if you have to keep making the plans you should do so, it may just be that he has a hard time showing his feelings and also worries about bothering you. I guess I am a hand’s on dad mainly because mine was not. You know the type, never at my ball games, I guess Austin Powers and I have a few things in common, “Daddy wasn’t there”. ;-)
Good luck and best wishes.
V/r,
DW.

delazouche

I view eating disorders as incurable. Yes, you can recover from one, but like alcoholism, you'll always have it with you on some level. It's clear that you're experiencing disordered thinking, which is now affecting your daily life and interactions with people. Whether you're a healthy weight now, or not, now is the time to go talk to someone about it. Before it gets worse.

Not a therapist, but I wonder if the shame and feelings of being judged, and perhaps even the source of dysmorphia you have are rooted in your relationship with your father. Clearly you feel your mother is a safe haven. Your father, as someone else stated, is a douche. Maybe not that bad, but he's clearly critical where he shouldn't be. Even if you were morbidly obese, if you're an adult and you want to eat a chicken finger, you should be allowed to do so without criticism. Granted, I'd expect my father to voice concern about my health if I were MO, but you're not, and that's not what he did. Have you ever told your dad how his comments make you feel?

Would you consider talking to your doctor or a therapist about your feelings? You paint a pretty concerning picture.

Oh, you're definitely right about my dad! And my mother's words of advice with him are always just to absolutely never let his morphed view of female value get to me (they are no longer together, if that's not apparent). Yes, he's always been critical, but in ways I truly don't feel he's aware of. He will constantly tell me how beautiful I am, how proud he is of me, and how much he loves me....on the same visit during which he'll let slip some comment like the one about the chicken tenders. It's always been very clear to me that he has a mold of the perfect woman in his head, and this is the sort of woman he dates, and I do not fit that mold, so in his head the equation is "Paisley has big feet, so Paisley = a big woman. Paisley is taller than the women I date, so Paisley = a big woman." His current wife has always been extremely thick through the middle, for example, but even though my waist is easily 12" smaller around, he views her as tiny and me as overweight because she is very short with delicate feet, hands, etc. Weird for me to compare myself to his wife, I know, but it's usually comments contrasting me with her that come out the most offensive.

MyOwnSunshine

New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great book to get you going with weights. I've been doing various NROL programs for several years and really like my strength and fitness results.

Brene Brown is a great author and researcher who examines shame and it's impact on our lives. I would highly recommend any of her books in addition to counseling.

FoodFitnessTravel

i also have very disordered eating. it feels like i'll never get better

delazouche

New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great book to get you going with weights. I've been doing various NROL programs for several years and really like my strength and fitness results.

Brene Brown is a great author and researcher who examines shame and it's impact on our lives. I would highly recommend any of her books in addition to counseling.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will look them up

1pandabear

New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great book to get you going with weights. I've been doing various NROL programs for several years and really like my strength and fitness results.

Brene Brown is a great author and researcher who examines shame and it's impact on our lives. I would highly recommend any of her books in addition to counseling.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will look them up

I just want to save this thread and endorse the suggestion of cognitive behavioral therapy, etc...

Bernadette60614

Yes to New Rules.

I think that the cool thing about weight training is that the focus is on getting stronger, not smaller. It doesn't mean you're going to have bulging biceps, but it changes the way you look at your body...from something that has to be defeated, so something which should be strengthened.

delazouche

Yes to New Rules.

I think that the cool thing about weight training is that the focus is on getting stronger, not smaller. It doesn't mean you're going to have bulging biceps, but it changes the way you look at your body...from something that has to be defeated, so something which should be strengthened.

I really like that sort of thinking! I did take a friend/personal trainer's advice to focus more on free weights a few months ago, and I am ok with my arms for the first time since I was maybe 10 years old. I think maybe the focus on lifting more and strengthening more rather than watching more pounds drop might be a good route for me.