Dealing with "food shame" and obsession

sb4480

I view eating disorders as incurable. Yes, you can recover from one, but like alcoholism, you'll always have it with you on some level. It's clear that you're experiencing disordered thinking, which is now affecting your daily life and interactions with people. Whether you're a healthy weight now, or not, now is the time to go talk to someone about it. Before it gets worse.

Not a therapist, but I wonder if the shame and feelings of being judged, and perhaps even the source of dysmorphia you have are rooted in your relationship with your father. Clearly you feel your mother is a safe haven. Your father, as someone else stated, is a douche. Maybe not that bad, but he's clearly critical where he shouldn't be. Even if you were morbidly obese, if you're an adult and you want to eat a chicken finger, you should be allowed to do so without criticism. Granted, I'd expect my father to voice concern about my health if I were MO, but you're not, and that's not what he did. Have you ever told your dad how his comments make you feel?

Would you consider talking to your doctor or a therapist about your feelings? You paint a pretty concerning picture.

delazouche

Your body is YOUR body. Not your father's, mother's, boyfriend's or society's.

It is there to take care of you so you can do all the amazing things you are capable of doing now and in the future.

And, if I may suggest: A healthy relationship with own bodies is to take care of them. We only get one!

Have you considered seeing a nutritionist? Not a "diet" nutritionist but someone who might help you learn more about your own biochemistry..so you won't live in fear that every calorie is going to lead to disordered eating? Taking care of your body doesn't mean starving it, and it doesn't mean being afraid of eating and learning more about how your body functions in relationship to food might help.

Then, next time your dad say something you can say: You know, Dad, my nutritionist says....

I've been working to lose weight through a professional weight loss/nutrition clinic, but maybe that's not entirely the same. I stopped taking prescription pills just last week and cancelled my next appointment with them because it was starting to feel like money-mongering on that front, but they welcome me coming in for a weigh-in/to discuss my progress for free any time. The people who work there have been helpful when I have questions and taught me what to look for and value in food nutrition-wise, but maybe seeking out a dedicated nutritionist outside their office is worth looking into. In the beginning the doctor there seemed happy to spend appointment time discussing nutrition with me, but the past few months have all been "Oh, ok, you did great this month! See ya!" with me badgering in a few questions where I can.

DWBalboa

DWBalboa, Thank you for the encouragement and compliments It's nice to hear from a dad who wants to spend more time with his daughter! To clear things up, I only turned down the pizza place option because it was a restaurant I really dislike. We went to O'Charley's instead and it was there that he commented on me choosing something fried after saying no to pizza. To add to the insult, he had ordered the exact same meal as me. I know I'm making him sound absolutely awful, but he truly is clueless about how offensive and hurtful he can be. I actually enjoy seeing him when I can, but it's usually me making the plans!

Oh you are more than welcome; life is just too short for sour lemons and I hate when I see people not enjoying it. Sometimes our parents and family (and friends) in general can be the most hurtful but I choose to believe that it’s out of love. They just don’t always think before they speak, but then again aren’t we are all guilty of that in some capacity at one time in our lives.
I get the not wanting to eat at a place you don’t like, bad pizza is just wrong, I’d rather have no pizza than have bad pizza!
I know it’s not easy but maybe you should talk to your father about this. I would bet that if he knew that he had in anyway hurt your feelings that he would be truly sorry.
And if you have to keep making the plans you should do so, it may just be that he has a hard time showing his feelings and also worries about bothering you. I guess I am a hand’s on dad mainly because mine was not. You know the type, never at my ball games, I guess Austin Powers and I have a few things in common, “Daddy wasn’t there”. ;-)
Good luck and best wishes.
V/r,
DW.

delazouche

I view eating disorders as incurable. Yes, you can recover from one, but like alcoholism, you'll always have it with you on some level. It's clear that you're experiencing disordered thinking, which is now affecting your daily life and interactions with people. Whether you're a healthy weight now, or not, now is the time to go talk to someone about it. Before it gets worse.

Not a therapist, but I wonder if the shame and feelings of being judged, and perhaps even the source of dysmorphia you have are rooted in your relationship with your father. Clearly you feel your mother is a safe haven. Your father, as someone else stated, is a douche. Maybe not that bad, but he's clearly critical where he shouldn't be. Even if you were morbidly obese, if you're an adult and you want to eat a chicken finger, you should be allowed to do so without criticism. Granted, I'd expect my father to voice concern about my health if I were MO, but you're not, and that's not what he did. Have you ever told your dad how his comments make you feel?

Would you consider talking to your doctor or a therapist about your feelings? You paint a pretty concerning picture.

Oh, you're definitely right about my dad! And my mother's words of advice with him are always just to absolutely never let his morphed view of female value get to me (they are no longer together, if that's not apparent). Yes, he's always been critical, but in ways I truly don't feel he's aware of. He will constantly tell me how beautiful I am, how proud he is of me, and how much he loves me....on the same visit during which he'll let slip some comment like the one about the chicken tenders. It's always been very clear to me that he has a mold of the perfect woman in his head, and this is the sort of woman he dates, and I do not fit that mold, so in his head the equation is "Paisley has big feet, so Paisley = a big woman. Paisley is taller than the women I date, so Paisley = a big woman." His current wife has always been extremely thick through the middle, for example, but even though my waist is easily 12" smaller around, he views her as tiny and me as overweight because she is very short with delicate feet, hands, etc. Weird for me to compare myself to his wife, I know, but it's usually comments contrasting me with her that come out the most offensive.

MyOwnSunshine

New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great book to get you going with weights. I've been doing various NROL programs for several years and really like my strength and fitness results.

Brene Brown is a great author and researcher who examines shame and it's impact on our lives. I would highly recommend any of her books in addition to counseling.

FoodFitnessTravel

i also have very disordered eating. it feels like i'll never get better

delazouche

New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great book to get you going with weights. I've been doing various NROL programs for several years and really like my strength and fitness results.

Brene Brown is a great author and researcher who examines shame and it's impact on our lives. I would highly recommend any of her books in addition to counseling.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will look them up

1pandabear

New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great book to get you going with weights. I've been doing various NROL programs for several years and really like my strength and fitness results.

Brene Brown is a great author and researcher who examines shame and it's impact on our lives. I would highly recommend any of her books in addition to counseling.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will look them up

I just want to save this thread and endorse the suggestion of cognitive behavioral therapy, etc...

Bernadette60614

Yes to New Rules.

I think that the cool thing about weight training is that the focus is on getting stronger, not smaller. It doesn't mean you're going to have bulging biceps, but it changes the way you look at your body...from something that has to be defeated, so something which should be strengthened.

delazouche

Yes to New Rules.

I think that the cool thing about weight training is that the focus is on getting stronger, not smaller. It doesn't mean you're going to have bulging biceps, but it changes the way you look at your body...from something that has to be defeated, so something which should be strengthened.

I really like that sort of thinking! I did take a friend/personal trainer's advice to focus more on free weights a few months ago, and I am ok with my arms for the first time since I was maybe 10 years old. I think maybe the focus on lifting more and strengthening more rather than watching more pounds drop might be a good route for me.

JoRocka

1.) get some help- and know that it is OKAY to do so.
2.) learn how to say no and be okay with it.
3.) say the phrase "and how is that a helpful and supportive comment??"
4.) I have a plan- and I'm doing my best to stick with it- you're negativity is not warranted or appreciated.
5.) get on a program with goals- strength training- running- 5K's whatever- focus on training for that


You can do it!!!!

Don't feel bad about doing the right thing- trust the numbers! science never lies!

PRMinx

People with eating disorders aren't supposed to lose weight... like, ever. It's a trigger for the disease. Which might explain what you're experiencing again.

This is categorically untrue.

Yes, people with eating disorders need to establish a healthy relationship with food before thinking about diet and fitness. But, that does not mean they are destined to live tied down to their eating disorder forever.

I've had EDs. I was anorexic and bulimic for years. It took me a long time to heal from it and, when I did, I lived normally for quite some time. I ended up gaining some weight. Now I workout and and watch my weight. I stick to an IIFYM diet and, when I feel myself getting wonky, I take a step back.

nomorebingesgirl2014

Bump