Talking behind people's backs
gkauf744
Posts: 128 Member
I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot. So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise. And I feel really uncomfortable. Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?
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Replies
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Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.0 -
She probably won't care/believe what you tell her about the why. I'd just tell her that you prefer not to talk about other people on your trips. Or if she's turned you off, just say you've decided to become one of the non-exercisers so you can't join her anymore.0
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Ironic post is ironic.0
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Point out the strengths and nice things about the person she is running down. Try to get her to see past weight.0
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I'd say something. I feel fake when I don't. I'd just say- you know I like you, but hacking on people makes me feel ****ty. Please stop it.
She'll go home sleep on it, and probably apologize, then thank you for calling her out.0 -
Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
This0 -
She probably won't care/believe what you tell her about the why. I'd just tell her that you prefer not to talk about other people on your trips. Or if she's turned you off, just say you've decided to become one of the non-exercisers so you can't join her anymore.
So much of this!!
I definitely wouldn't bother trying to "enlighten" this woman but I would let her know that I'm not a member of "Team Holier Than Thou".
Most of my female friends are really great about NOT dissing others behind their backs. A few still have a long way to go in that area. I am not saying that I never ever gossip...if someone just made a horrible life decision or said something really rude to another friend, I'll probably have a catty little conversation with my closest girlfriends about it. Not gonna lie.
But I am not into cheap shots on peoples' weight, clothes, hair, etc. When I'm around them and they start in with that stuff on someone else who isn't present, I make a point of saying something nice about the person and dropping the topic. They almost always notice and shut up. Sometimes I'll even say something about staying positive, or remind them that we've all had our moments like that bad perm or whatever.
This is definitely something I have noticed as we all age. In our 20s my friends and I were more likely to rake another friend over the coals for her bad outfit and now we're like "Yep, that's Kate...she does not give a f*** sometimes" and just laugh in a nice way.0 -
I like this quote...
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
-Eleanor Roosevelt0 -
Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.0 -
Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.
Never.0 -
Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.
I agree with letting the coworker know that her behavior is out of line...definitely. Even if she's simply told "I don't really like to talk about other peoples' appearance/eating habits/exercise or lack thereof".
When I was younger, I was pretty negative sometimes and not always on the right track. A few friends made comments to me about how negative I was and it really caused me to rethink some things and has helped lead me into a better way. I am happier. If they had just let me stew in my own ignorance I'd probably still be really negative and catty and not have a clue why I lost a lot of positive friends.0 -
Stay out of it and say nothing to her. Even if you compliment the people she insults, you'll just look like a gossip to the rest of the world for talking to her. Do not engage.0
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Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.
Never.
Or perhaps everyone's taken your approach and never told you that you've been insensitive.0 -
Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.
Never.
Or perhaps everyone's taken your approach and never told you that you've been insensitive.
...isn't that what 'Never' implies? I mean...what did you think 'never' meant in this context, exactly?0 -
If you value her friendship, then say something. If you don't care to have her as a friend, decide whether saying something is worth the effort. Don't assume that she's never had a weight problem. There are plenty of former fat people out there who are very vocal about their disdain for fat people. They either figure that if they can do it, everyone else can and should, or they still have their own issues leftover from when they were fat that they need to work through.0
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Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.
Never.
Or perhaps everyone's taken your approach and never told you that you've been insensitive.
...isn't that what 'Never' implies? I mean...what did you think 'never' meant in this context, exactly?
I took it to mean you did not think you'd been insensitive to someone else before.0 -
Yep. I would, at least to give a different perspective.0
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Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
This.0 -
Nah, the best thing to do with stupid people is to let them stew in their own stupid.
Just say nothing, make a mental not that she's a toolbag and, find a new walking buddy.
Personally, I disagree with this. I don't think it helps to keep people ignorant and in the dark about their own ignorance. How many times in your life have you been a total sh*thead and then someone pulls you aside and said "hey, when you do this thing, it hurts my feelings/bothers me/etc" and then you made a chance to be a better person?
If she's like this with you in "private", I'm sure it comes off in public as well. I'd think of it as doing all the other "fat people" she runs across a favor. Maybe she'll be a little more sensitive in the future. Maybe not, but I'd at least try.
Never.
Or perhaps everyone's taken your approach and never told you that you've been insensitive.
...isn't that what 'Never' implies? I mean...what did you think 'never' meant in this context, exactly?
I took it to mean you did not think you'd been insensitive to someone else before.
Oh.
Well. I see.0 -
i wouldn't explain anything to her but i would let her know that i don't want to have that, or perhaps any, conversation with her. i'm not going to lecture people but i'm not going to have my time wasted either0
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Thanks for all the ideas...
We're not going walking today, but I probably will walk with her again at some point. There really aren't that many people in my organization who work out over lunch break.0 -
I would definitely say something to her. Knowing me it is going to be sarcastic and she will know exactly how I feel. I would tell that not everyone can be naturally thin and fit some of us have to work a little harder. You make a personal choice to do what you do and the other co workers have done the same. Who is she to judge anyone. I hate to be around people like that. If you say nothing she may feel that you agree and she won't stop. If you don't feel comfortable saying something to her then find an excuse not to walk with her.0
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I wish there were more women like you in my area to be friends with! I am the same way! And when I tell ppl I don't really like to talk about ppl, They're like "Oh she thinks she's better than us" So ya can't win! Sure, If someone personally pisses me off, I may rant about it to others but not about stupidness that's none of my businessShe probably won't care/believe what you tell her about the why. I'd just tell her that you prefer not to talk about other people on your trips. Or if she's turned you off, just say you've decided to become one of the non-exercisers so you can't join her anymore.
So much of this!!
I definitely wouldn't bother trying to "enlighten" this woman but I would let her know that I'm not a member of "Team Holier Than Thou".
Most of my female friends are really great about NOT dissing others behind their backs. A few still have a long way to go in that area. I am not saying that I never ever gossip...if someone just made a horrible life decision or said something really rude to another friend, I'll probably have a catty little conversation with my closest girlfriends about it. Not gonna lie.
But I am not into cheap shots on peoples' weight, clothes, hair, etc. When I'm around them and they start in with that stuff on someone else who isn't present, I make a point of saying something nice about the person and dropping the topic. They almost always notice and shut up. Sometimes I'll even say something about staying positive, or remind them that we've all had our moments like that bad perm or whatever.
This is definitely something I have noticed as we all age. In our 20s my friends and I were more likely to rake another friend over the coals for her bad outfit and now we're like "Yep, that's Kate...she does not give a f*** sometimes" and just laugh in a nice way.0 -
The next time she brings up this topic, I would relate it to yourself as her friend. I would tell her how it has been hard for you to lose weight and the difficulties you have seen and dealt w/ emotionally and physically. If she has never had to deal w/ it why would it not seem like just a matter of "why don't they just stop eating" to her. As someone who has grown up the fat sister compared to my 2 naturally thin sisters it suprised them how difficult my life has been over theirs in this one area and how much it impacted me emotionally. If after having a dialogue with her she still seems to think she is better than these heavier ladies you may want to just let her know that it bothers you as it hits a personal nerve and see if she wants to grow as a person or lose a walking buddy.0
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Just smile and say "I know better than to judge other people on their struggles." If she keeps it up, point out that it sounds ugly.0
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Thanks. I like that idea, at least trying to explain to her how hard it has been to lose the weight.0
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If you want others to mind their own business and not talk about others, maybe you should do the same.....
Yeah, and find another walking buddy.0 -
You could invite one of the overweight coworkers to walk with you im sure shed stop then. But seriously ,if your just walking with her cause theres noone else then just stop,but if she has other qualities that you do like then tell her it bothers you, no explanation just change the subject.0
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It really depends on the person. If she's aggressively pushing the topic each time she sees you, I'd calmly say something well-thought through to make her stop talking about it when you meet. If it's a rarely broached topic, I'd smoothly steer the topic to something more neutral.
I don't think adults can be schooled and if they behave like *kitten*, it reflects on them alone. If they are open to be schooled aka ask questions rather than make statements, I might grab the opportunity to "enlighten" them, but otherwise in my humble opinion it's a complete waste of my resources. Whatever she thinks affects my life neither directly nor indirectly apart from what she says when we meet and even that I can choose to ignore; my ears might hear the words that come out of her mouth but I can choose not to take them to heart. And I walk away to greener pastures, not weighed down by her black-and-white ideas. Choose one's battles and all that jazz.0 -
Like I tell my 14 year old daugther, if you want to stay friends with people who are talking about someone, you need to say "hey don't we have better things to discuss than so and so" and change the subject. If that doesn't work, you need to excuse yourself from the conversation and move on. She has done this a few times and each time she has had to do it someone else in the group says, "you're right" and the whole conversation moves on.0
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