Struggling with a toxic environment

messiahs

Warnings for emotional TMI!

Right now I'm struggling with a toxic home. My sister has depression and several other illnesses, and never leaves the home. She has stolen from our family in thousands of dollars - from credit cards. Like a drug addict. My mother's ex fiance was bipolar and went loco, and spiraled out of control and caused endless drama for us. My mother is an alcoholic and has been verbally abusive... suicide is also not unfamiliar in this household, and the cops have been here countless times.

I have the chance to leave. Should I? The place I'd go would be a complete upside-down change in environment and just about everything you can think of. The pros are good, though.. healthier foods in the house, regular exercise, something that is normal. Outings are usual and there is no drama. But it would, as I said, turn my world upside down. Even if it was better for me, I'd be leaving my home and my pets, and my mother and sister, who I love. I'd be leaving any sort of comfort behind and would be walking into completely uncharted territory with extremely harsh rules.

!!! My question is... have you struggled with a toxic environment or partner before? How did you handle it? Did it effect your physical health as well as mental? Share your stories with me... and friend me if you wish. I have a long way to go in getting healthier physically and healing emotionally.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I hope such information is not inappropriate! I want opinions and want to see other people's stories.

karmac0matic

Should you leave?
Absolutely.

This is the only life you have. Don't spend it worrying about whether you're going to make it another day.

shmerek

Should you leave?
Absolutely.

This is the only life you have. Don't spend it worrying about whether you're going to make it another day.

+1

amberj32

I understand that you love your mother and sister very much. Staying there is just going to bring you down with them. I would definitely leave. Where is this new place? What are the extremely harsh rules?

rompydompy

You need to take care of YOU. It is not your responsibility to look after your mother and sister. You can still love them AND love yourself. Making yourself a better person should make them happy for you, and may even inspire them to better themselves. Ultimately, it is YOUR life-- your mother and sister will not be around for every experience in your life-- YOU WILL. What kind of company do you want yourself to be? Be strong, do the right thing for yourself-- it's not easy when you're a loving, giving person to put your own needs ahead of others, but it's necessary to thrive. Don't ever feel guilty for it.

SherryTeach

Adults grow up and move away from home. It's your time to be on your own. Go.

Oi_Sunshine

I think you should leave for one year and reevaluate from there. One year passes quickly, you can live anywhere for a year.
At 24, you need to breathe some fresh air and get your legs under you. There is something very wrong when you find an obviously toxic situation comforting. It doesn't mean you can't visit them or spend time with them in other environments, and if your sister is still a minor, i highly suggest getting social services involved. They can direct you all to appropriate therapy and support groups, if you don't already go to them.

You can do this.

Apocalypz

If you can't find peace, then you can't help others find it either. Do what's best for you first. Then you can help them find assistance.

If you starve yourself to feed the needy children, then both of you die in the end. (That sounded a bit harsh, but I believe the point was taken.)

Alatariel75

Moving out (you aren't leaving, you're just moving out) does not mean you love them any less. You owe it to you to give yourself the best chances, and if you get yourself in a better place, it might even put you in a better position to help them.

I think you should go for it. You have one life and you have to live it for you. You aren't abandoning them, you still love them, you're just growing up.

It's a scary change, anything that turns your life upside down it, but that's part of growing, and can be the most exhilarating (or scary) experience of your life. You owe it to yourself to give it a shot.

spirit095

Should you leave?
Absolutely.

This is the only life you have. Don't spend it worrying about whether you're going to make it another day.

I totally agree with this.

Wishing you the best, OP!

Allen_Mohs

Your mental and physical health are much more important than anything else in your life. Don't let the toxicity tear you down. You can still love your mother and sister. Leave!!!!!

Bearbrat

I grew up in a very similar situation and I completely understand how you feel, but you MUST leave for your own sanity. I moved out when I was just barely 17. That was 23 years ago and I don't regret it a bit. I kept in contact with my family, but sadly not a lot changed in those years. It was toxic when I lived there and continued to be toxic. Last September I finally had to completely cut them off from my life. I'm not sure if it's going to be permanent, but it was necessary. I love my family, my mom and sisters....yet I can't allow the drama and stress and hatefulness into my life any more. I actually had to take my phone down to my carrier and block them because once I decided I needed to cut them off they "blew" up my phone with obscene and hateful texts and would not stop. I haven't spoken to or seen any of them since. I'm bipolar and I'm compliant with my medication. I'm really sorry you have someone in your household who doesn't appear to be compliant. Bipolar is treatable as long as the medication is continued, if it's not it can be devastating to everyone who is in contact with the person. Strict rules and a better environment may be just what you need to get your life moving in the right direction. Try not to be afraid, think of it as a new chapter and a brand new chance for YOU. Feel free to add me as a friend.... :flowerforyou:

Annie_01

Warnings for emotional TMI!

Right now I'm struggling with a toxic home. My sister has depression and several other illnesses, and never leaves the home. She has stolen from our family in thousands of dollars - from credit cards. Like a drug addict. My mother's ex fiance was bipolar and went loco, and spiraled out of control and caused endless drama for us. My mother is an alcoholic and has been verbally abusive... suicide is also not unfamiliar in this household, and the cops have been here countless times.

I have the chance to leave. Should I? The place I'd go would be a complete upside-down change in environment and just about everything you can think of. The pros are good, though.. healthier foods in the house, regular exercise, something that is normal. Outings are usual and there is no drama. But it would, as I said, turn my world upside down. Even if it was better for me, I'd be leaving my home and my pets, and my mother and sister, who I love. I'd be leaving any sort of comfort behind and would be walking into completely uncharted territory with extremely harsh rules.

!!! My question is... have you struggled with a toxic environment or partner before? How did you handle it? Did it effect your physical health as well as mental? Share your stories with me... and friend me if you wish. I have a long way to go in getting healthier physically and healing emotionally.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I hope such information is not inappropriate! I want opinions and want to see other people's stories.

You said this...

"I'd be leaving any sort of comfort behind and would be walking into completely uncharted territory with extremely harsh rules. "

Are you leaving one place that you have no control over your life for another place that sounds as if you will have no control?

Yes...I have lived in a toxic environment...I know what that does to someone. In my case...it didn't end well. It has taken many years for me to get my life back...for me to be in control and not let the actions of others dictate my life.

No one should make rules about your life...except for yourself.

Fsunami

The decision is yours and yours alone, but based on the level of detail you've supplied, it sounds like you've already thought it through.

If you know the environment is toxic & will not advance the goals you want to achieve in your life, why stay?

The fear of the unknown is something that holds many back. Don't let it do that to you because a much less complicated, less toxic world is out there.

The 180 degree turn you are talking about making will open you up to new people, new experiences & most importantly, a likely healthier environment, which will help you in the long run.

The only person's path you can control is your own. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Take the ball and start running. I learned (the hard way) toxicity breeds negativity, which breeds low self worth, apathy & a lack of desire to change bad habits into good ones. You will gain strength in breaking the cycle....

Hope this helps
Chris

squishycatmew

Move out.

My parents used me as a mediator from the time I was in my early teens. More than once I had to diffuse a potentially violent situation. When I finally had a real chance to move out, I was terrified that with me gone, there would be no one to stop bad things from happening (I have a younger brother, but his response to my parents' fights has always been to hide away in his room until things are over).
I left. Nothing terrible has happened. I've lived on my own, with my partner, for just over two years, and the worst thing that has really happened at my parents house is that there is no one to cook dinner most nights (without me to make him do it, my brother won't, my mother is too sick, and my father isn't home from work early enough), so I am certain my mother and brother are not eating as well as they should (they eat *enough*, they could just eat *better*). Nothing has exploded. If anything, relationships are probably *more* functional, without me as a crutch to lean on. I see my parents regularly and things are actually, overall, pretty good.

fourfancy

How old are you? One of your other posts indicated that you may be a teenager.
Can you describe the harsh rules of the new place?

Unknown

This content has been removed.

LilyGessert

I can understand worrying about your pets Hugs

CindyMarcuzAdams

I worry you leaving one toxic environment for another... as others have already asked, what are the harsh rules at the new place. I sure hope its not a controling boyfriend. We can only speculate until you fill us in. We care about you...

gertudejekyl

Are these your only choices? What is this place with harsh rules ?? You can go and do self-preservation and still love
your mom and sister. :ohwell:

arainiday1

kinda sounds like a kid considering a group home..... clearly there is more information that is being left out. hard to really make an honest judgment this way. if this is really a 24 year old adult then she should move out but as an adult where she can have some freedom and experience life normally. not going from home with harsh conditions to another.

messiahs

OK, people have asked so I will answer. I am not 24. I don't often pay attention when stating my age on sites. I signed up a long time ago, so I didn't think to change it. I *am* young (I'm not 13 or something though) but it's a little hard for me to admit so!

I would be leaving my mother's home to stay at my father's while finishing school. (I have failed to gain certain credits) The "harsh rules" mean that I'm not entirely sure what will be in store for me - just that I won't have much freedom when it comes to certain things.

Honestly, what everyone has said has lined up with what I have thought so far. Thank you, everyone who replied. It does mean something to me.

@gertudejekyl Yes these are my only choices.

I want to start fresh and live in a peaceful home without worrying about whether or not my sister is going to steal more pills or money, and whether or not my mom is drinking too much.

Some of you have expressed worries about moving from one toxic household to another... my father is sane, if not a little stubborn and ignorant. I know my mother will never change. I have spoken to my sister and even my father... they both say she's always been like this. Careless, insisting she loves me then doing things that hurt me over and over and never taking actions to change despite me pointing out what she needs to stop doing to be healthy.

Fsunami

Hi again

What you are perceiving as "You're not sure what might be in store for you & some of your freedoms might be limited" might actually be a good thing.

Having lived through enough chaos in my life (Ill spare you the gory details), you might find its a better environment to have the structure that the above signifies. Generally, when you leave a chaotic environment for a more stable one, you become more successful in the things you do, because you're not always walking on eggshells,

None of us are really sure whats in store for us...most of us think we are, but life throws curveballs at us everyday - that was the fear of the unknown I was referring to.

Making the change allows you to have a better chance succeeding in YOUR life, accomplishing what YOU want. The choices other people make in theirs, they have to own on their own. Toxic people generally don't change, because the narcissism within doesn't allow them to evaluate the impact their behavior has on others.....

I had to cease contact with a toxic person in my life many years ago (for that reason) in order to become the husband and father I needed to be. Emotionally, it was the difference between existing and living.

Life is for the living - the fact that you even put this out there sounds to me like you're ready to start living for you, you're just fearful of the unknown. You wont know until you try it.

Good luck on the journey & feel free to reach out, as we are all here to support each other......

Chris

SymphonynSonata

What freedoms do you have now that are more important than a safe and sane environment with your presumably reasonable father?

vasairiah

Should you leave?
Absolutely.

This is the only life you have. Don't spend it worrying about whether you're going to make it another day.

^^^ this.
You aren't leaving them permanently. You are taking care if you first.

messiahs

Thank you Chris! Your message means a lot to me. Everyone's does. What you're saying makes sense and it furthers my belief that leaving is for the best, even if it hurts. The "pros" outweight the "cons". I haven't had structure and stability in my life for so long and I think I'll gain that by the environment change.

suprzonic

Yes! Leave. I moved out of a toxic home. I visit them most days (when convenient). Moving out doesn't mean you don't love your family. It's evolution - nothing remains the same - we all have to grow / adapt / move on. You deserve to make a better, safer and healthier place for yourself in the world

Oi_Sunshine

Next question... why hasn't your father stepped in sooner?

velvet_violence

I would do it.

Unfortunately I stayed in a similar situation for far too long myself. However, as the poster above stated it is somewhat disconcerting that this wasn't an option at an earlier point. That said, I remember keeping my family's secrets and while I don't think I would have been welcome at my father's house even if he did know how bad things were at my mom's, he didn't know how badly he was needed.

TavistockToad

Where is this new place? What are the extremely harsh rules?

this

melb_alex

Personally I would leave immediately. Why waste your time on people that aren't positive inhibiters and contributing to your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing ?