Struggling with a toxic environment

messiahs

OK, people have asked so I will answer. I am not 24. I don't often pay attention when stating my age on sites. I signed up a long time ago, so I didn't think to change it. I *am* young (I'm not 13 or something though) but it's a little hard for me to admit so!

I would be leaving my mother's home to stay at my father's while finishing school. (I have failed to gain certain credits) The "harsh rules" mean that I'm not entirely sure what will be in store for me - just that I won't have much freedom when it comes to certain things.

Honestly, what everyone has said has lined up with what I have thought so far. Thank you, everyone who replied. It does mean something to me.

@gertudejekyl Yes these are my only choices.

I want to start fresh and live in a peaceful home without worrying about whether or not my sister is going to steal more pills or money, and whether or not my mom is drinking too much.

Some of you have expressed worries about moving from one toxic household to another... my father is sane, if not a little stubborn and ignorant. I know my mother will never change. I have spoken to my sister and even my father... they both say she's always been like this. Careless, insisting she loves me then doing things that hurt me over and over and never taking actions to change despite me pointing out what she needs to stop doing to be healthy.

Fsunami

Hi again

What you are perceiving as "You're not sure what might be in store for you & some of your freedoms might be limited" might actually be a good thing.

Having lived through enough chaos in my life (Ill spare you the gory details), you might find its a better environment to have the structure that the above signifies. Generally, when you leave a chaotic environment for a more stable one, you become more successful in the things you do, because you're not always walking on eggshells,

None of us are really sure whats in store for us...most of us think we are, but life throws curveballs at us everyday - that was the fear of the unknown I was referring to.

Making the change allows you to have a better chance succeeding in YOUR life, accomplishing what YOU want. The choices other people make in theirs, they have to own on their own. Toxic people generally don't change, because the narcissism within doesn't allow them to evaluate the impact their behavior has on others.....

I had to cease contact with a toxic person in my life many years ago (for that reason) in order to become the husband and father I needed to be. Emotionally, it was the difference between existing and living.

Life is for the living - the fact that you even put this out there sounds to me like you're ready to start living for you, you're just fearful of the unknown. You wont know until you try it.

Good luck on the journey & feel free to reach out, as we are all here to support each other......

Chris

SymphonynSonata

What freedoms do you have now that are more important than a safe and sane environment with your presumably reasonable father?

vasairiah

Should you leave?
Absolutely.

This is the only life you have. Don't spend it worrying about whether you're going to make it another day.

^^^ this.
You aren't leaving them permanently. You are taking care if you first.

messiahs

Thank you Chris! Your message means a lot to me. Everyone's does. What you're saying makes sense and it furthers my belief that leaving is for the best, even if it hurts. The "pros" outweight the "cons". I haven't had structure and stability in my life for so long and I think I'll gain that by the environment change.

suprzonic

Yes! Leave. I moved out of a toxic home. I visit them most days (when convenient). Moving out doesn't mean you don't love your family. It's evolution - nothing remains the same - we all have to grow / adapt / move on. You deserve to make a better, safer and healthier place for yourself in the world

Oi_Sunshine

Next question... why hasn't your father stepped in sooner?

velvet_violence

I would do it.

Unfortunately I stayed in a similar situation for far too long myself. However, as the poster above stated it is somewhat disconcerting that this wasn't an option at an earlier point. That said, I remember keeping my family's secrets and while I don't think I would have been welcome at my father's house even if he did know how bad things were at my mom's, he didn't know how badly he was needed.

TavistockToad

Where is this new place? What are the extremely harsh rules?

this

melb_alex

Personally I would leave immediately. Why waste your time on people that aren't positive inhibiters and contributing to your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing ?

rach_melb

Two months ago I walked out on my entire family.
Similar environment. Drugs, alcohol, untreated mental illness in my brother, verbal and psychological abuse, violence in other ways not directed at people (smashing objects and the house).... and to top it off a narcassistic mother who enjoyed playing family members off one another and constantly playing the victim. UGH total nightmare.

The best thing I ever did was leave. I will never look back. I am total no contact... not for lack of their trying to contact me.
Live for yourself... be happy. Its really amazing how freeing it is when you dont have that kind of drama to deal with anymore and you can get on with your life without all the bs.

Good luck!

LKArgh

I come from a very problematic family and what I can tell you is to run so you can save yourself. They can drink themselves to death, might succeed in committing suicide, might set the house or fire or whatever. It is not your fault. You cannot prevent it. You cannot change who they are. If you get much older and financially stable (not anytime soon) you can force them to e.g. get into a hospital after a suicide threat. Still you cannot save them. If at any point they decide to seek help, you can support them. You cannot make them want help, you cannot be responsible for them. You can end up like them by staying in this environment. If this is not the future you want, leave and do not look back. You are not responsible for your mother or your sister. Ideally you should have no contact, to save your sanity, no matter how much you love them. If you can, find a therapist to talk to, for your sake, not theirs. But, repeat to yourself: this is not your fault and no matter what happens, you cannot do anything to help.

messiahs

Next question... why hasn't your father stepped in sooner?

A couple years ago we had a falling out. We didn't talk until last September, and I was the one who started talking to him again.

Thanks for the replies, guys. @rach_melb Yep! My situation *is* similar. They seem to feed off drama and my mom gives me vibes that makes me believe she loves the attention, even if it's negative.

JCPinTX

I grew up with a mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive father. My mom was too beaten down to leave. I left when I became an adult and moved 4 hours away. My sibling stayed close be them. I went to therapy. He didn't. I prayed A LOT. He doesn't. I stayed away 16 years. I visited often and talked to my mom nearly every day but I was not there in the middle of the chaos and anger and drama. I will always have issues and guilt. Leaving was so hard but if you are unwell you are no good to anyone else. My brother has a very messed up life and I think it's because he never was able to leave. So fight the urge to stay. You are not being disloyal. Move away just far enough to be out of easy reach. Pray and find good, kind friends. Go to therapy. You will need to be strong for your family one day, as I was in my parents' old age. But you have to do some healing first. God bless.