Long...but serious stuff. Need advice!! :)

TamTastic

I'm sorry for the length. This is the short version actually!! LOL!! Anyone who does read and replies....I appreciate it!

Hi!

So my marriage was not good. Very toxic. Emotional, verbal abuse. Constant brow-beating, control, manipulation. He never HIT me. He was smart and knew not to leave a mark. It was putting his foot in the door to keep me from leaving, yelling in my ear when I was trying to ignore him. Hes a foot taller than me. He has a long history of mental illness from the time he was a teenager. He can be charming, and like a big goofball. I look back now and have no idea how I got with him but I was a different person then. And he convinces himself of things. Lives his life by half-truths and manipulation. And he is super controlling. If that control isn't given to him he lashes out and gets even. And he will actually convince himself of these lies and seems to not even know what's true anymore.

I left him when I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd son in June of 2009 after a particularly bad episode. It was tumultuous obviously. He was making threats the whole Summer to ruin my life, that he'd take the boys using his parent's money, that he'd bury me. And he was arrested two weeks before the birth after again preventing me from leaving, standing in front of my car door to keep me from getting in it while holding my older son. I got a bloody nose from the stress and stomach pains. They arrested him for bullying me. He had a court issued protective order on him for 3 months, attended anger management and parenting classes. But since he was a first offense he got off after that.

Then he started his getting even thing. Took me to court accusing me of things. Thrown out within 5 minutes. Calling the police, causing trouble. That has been off and on from 2010 til now. Now DCF (children services) has said he can be arrested for using them for vindictive purposes and they see a pattern with him now. He stopped working, tried to lower child support. The judge did not lower it. He's gone to nursing school and has graduated. And he's re-married. She's a strange girl with issues of her own and has caused problems. The boys say she is aggressive with them. Luckily I was able to have it that she not be left alone with them.

We share custody. I have majority physical of course and there are other limitations. Like he has to have my approval of all caregivers, etc. (this after he wanted heroin addicts to watch them). There is a laundry list of stuff from him.

So now...he's passed nursing school. I am looking to move out of the town I'm in. It's not the best area and the schools are not great. They are the worst in the area. I am looking maybe 15 min in either direction. He is against it of course because we live 5 min apart...and he owes thousands in back rent and can't move right now. He claims it's because he doesn't want to pull my 7 year old (who has anxiety from the environment)....because he needs to stay here where he knows. But its because it's not convenient for him. I know that. He knows that too. lol

So I have had mediation suggested to me. I know deep down it won't do any good. And if I move and pull him from the school, my ex will call the police and cause trouble....simply because he has to win. And I'm trying to keep the environment calm and cool to help my boys heal from the stress. Mediation will just be him insisting he get his way. I have thought of filing a preemptive motion at court to modify that I don't need to have his approval..especially when I'm not being unreasonable..and going maybe 15 minutes away. He's the only parent I know who'd fight to keep his kids in the Bridgeport, CT schools. (Bridgeport was listed on the top 10 worst cities (as far as safety) in the country by the way. The area I live in is nice...but it's still the schools).

Knowing things, I just know mediation is going to be a waste of time...and yet is that the best way to keep it calm? Court will set him off again on a tangent. He tends to be calm one day and then a jerk the next...and when I file I know he'll start planning his own revenge again.

Thanks!!!

TavistockToad

go to mediation, and move anyway.

mfp2014mfp

I just wanted to let you know I read your post. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to deal with a situation like this. All I can do is pray that things work out for you for the best and your children :flowerforyou:

Alisontheice

I would say do what's best for you and the kids. Cut the guy completely out of your lives. I'd file the court papers screw him and his reaction and then move as far away as possible.

motivatedmartha

I feel for you - it must be so hard to deal with. I know little of the systems that operate in the States for families - I do know it's often hard for fathers in the UK as they have so few rights once Mum has custody. It sounds to me as though mediation may be the best way of keeping this calm for your son - would you have the opportunity to state your case separately to the mediator; if so make sure you have as much information regarding the standards in the schools concerned, current and where you would like to move him to. Also any independant information you can gather about why your child is suffering because of the environment. Travel times from the father's to possible new residences etc etc. Surely any mediator must look primarily at the interests of the child - especially if the distances involved are so small.

I wish you all the best with your decision

segwayne

I'm not a lawyer here, and I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It's difficult from a forum post to know exactly what the right thing to do would be.

That being said, it would seem to me that if you could prove in court that you feel he represents a threat (physical or otherwise) to you and your family, you should be able to get a permanent restraining order and be able to move whereever you needed to in order to feel as though you and your children would be safe. It would probably be very difficult, but it would be far better for you to be as far away from the situation and even as "anonymous" (think witness relocation) as possible.

I would stick to court and restraining orders. Keep as far away from this guy as possible, and keep him away from the kids as well, because he'll (obviously) try to use them as leverage against you.

Wayne

zellkas

Its sounds as if you are in a no win situation and I wish I had advice to give you. All I can suggest is you check with your solicitor how likely you would be to win in court and if its favorable maybe go for that. If its not likely to be a good outcome then mediation may be your best bet. Either way its a hard road to be on and I wish you all the best in your journey.

WildBillR

You have joint custody, and you are the primary caregiver? Move. Yes, tell him your new address. If it's 15 minutes away, no one (in poisition of authority) is going to take any complaint seriously. Have your paperwork handy (stating that you are the primary custodian) if the police show up. Focus on your kids futures. If where you want to move has better schools, then that's justification enough.

ew_david

Oy. Do it. At least you can say you did.

TamTastic

We do share custody and it says we need to be in agreement on big decisions like schools, etc.

He has a track record at this point though...if we do go to court. And judges aren't stupid, especially in this area!! lol

He gets obsessive about things. I'm sure it keeps him up at night that I have majority physical custody....with his controlling nature.

We have been taking my oldest to a therapist who says he has anxiety and it's the product of the environment. My ex was insisting it was ADHD and wanted him drugged. I fought that because I saw him focused, calm, cool...and then when he gets nervous..he gets fidgety. I said no way am I drugging my child when I can heal the environment.

My son is getting better actually and the experts all see what is going on. That it's chaos at my exes place. He can barely control his own life, let alone the kids. I was told that I am the parent. To not expect the parenting from him. Its all up to me to parent them. And I'm fine with that.

And yet he's still involved and causes trouble most of the time. It is frustrating.

TavistockToad

He gets obsessive about things. I'm sure it keeps him up at night that I have majority physical custody....with his controlling nature.

who cares?

you're giving him far too much consideration already... as long as what you're doing is within the law/your custody agreement, who cares?

TamTastic

He gets obsessive about things. I'm sure it keeps him up at night that I have majority physical custody....with his controlling nature.

who cares?

you're giving him far too much consideration already... as long as what you're doing is within the law/your custody agreement, who cares?

Oh I didn't mean I care about it....but that is when he gets dangerous and starts making things difficult for me. He used to be a reporter...and knows how to research and when I was married to him there was always someone who "done him wrong" who he was always figuring out a way to get even with. I'd wake up to see him at 3am typing feverishly on the computer, obsessing about something.

My point is that his ego bruised means extra unreasonable behavior by him...and I am trying to keep that from my boys.

TamTastic

I appreciate the responses. I feel like a broken record venting to my friends about this never ending crap. I keep just hoping for peace. And my boys and I are happy. I do whatever I need to do to make it fun and happy.

And like my OB said (She was from South Africa)...said....I had leveled with her about things during the last trimester of my pregnancy. And she said "There is a saying from my village. Do not argue with a crazy person in front of the village".

I try to keep that in mind!!!!! LOL!

TamTastic

You have joint custody, and you are the primary caregiver? Move. Yes, tell him your new address. If it's 15 minutes away, no one (in poisition of authority) is going to take any complaint seriously. Have your paperwork handy (stating that you are the primary custodian) if the police show up. Focus on your kids futures. If where you want to move has better schools, then that's justification enough.

His issue isn't me moving. It's me pulling our 7 year old from the school (that is 2 minutes away from my ex)....he doesn't want to have to drive. I told him we can find a half-way point..but he said "I don't approve and we need to agree. Sorry".

So there ya go.I guarantee if in a few months he has income and able to pay his back rent and move..he would suddenly say it's OK to pull our son. Right now, if I move and enroll him in another school....my ex will call the police. That is his way! :ohwell:

TamTastic

Can I reply without reading it?

It is quite lengthy (

It's like a Lifetime movie of the week!! LOL!

DMicheleC

The best advice I can give you is go to mediation. This sounds similar to my ex husband, anything to cause me stress and upset. I went along with everything and because I did the courts always came down on my side, as I always appeared to be 'the adult' in the argument as the courts put it. So go along with it, I know its a pain and you will be putting yourself through another fiasco. Make sure you explain that you want the best for your children and you would like to get them into better schools therefore that's the reason you want to move. If your children have any special requirements and another school somewhere else can provide this, use that as an example. If you always play the game, people see that and you are more likely to be listened to, that's what I always found. Then if all goes well move away, get your kids into good schools and move on with your life, just like I did. Good luck I understand where your coming from, you sound like me 15 years ago.

DWBalboa

Based on what you are saying it sounds like you need to move far more than 15 minutes away. I’d say more live 15 hours away. A bad dad is worse than no dad at all, go to the courts and file for full custody and move the hell out of Dodge. The kids need to be the priority and it sounds like there’s enough on the dad and stepmother to keep them out of the picture.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

sweetcurlz67

so sorry you're having to deal with this!!!

you need to do what is right for the kids - PERIOD!!! if that means mediation, then DO IT! who cares about the ex. Just do what's right for them.

My son was 15 when my ex left and my abusive ex had the opposite reaction - he disassociated himself from me and our son. he barely spoke/speaks w/us. I don't care he doesn't speak w/me but his own son!

lrmall01

Based on what you are saying it sounds like you need to move far more than 15 minutes away. I’d say more live 15 hours away. A bad dad is worse than no dad at all, go to the courts and file for full custody and move the hell out of Dodge. The kids need to be the priority and it sounds like there’s enough on the dad and stepmother to keep them out of the picture.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you

I was just going to reply something like this, so thanks for saving me the trouble!

It pains me to say this, because I'm a Dad myself, but if this guy is really the way you describe him I'd make moves to get him out of your life and the kids life for good. Especially if the kids don't want to spend time with him.

ChristinWrites

You're moving 15 minutes away. Who cares if he calls the police? If he is abusive (and I understand I grew up around this sort of thing) why do you not seek sole custody? I spent years living with my grandparents to remove myself from the stress of growing up around an emotionally abusive spazoid of a father. He mellowed with age and we are cordial to one another now, but my life was always better during the times I did not have to face the stress of being around him. Granted, I don't know your whole story - but if you have documentation and the judges, police and DFS in your area are well aware of his antics, why don't you do what is best for your children? Instead of appeasing a lunatic because you are still afraid of what he'll pull. You have people backing you up - stand up to this man.

DebbieLyn63

Oh my goodness. I swear this post is about my soon-to-be-ex-son-in-law. My daughter is going thru the same crap, with the exact same personality to deal with. I have no idea how long it will be before their divorce is settled, but even when it is, it will never be over as long as he is in the picture. Does your ex have any diagnosed mental illnesses, such as Bipolar and Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Read the characteristics of NPD and you will be surprised.

I wish I had the answers for both of you. I hate that the children are the ones that pay the ultimate price. It sounds like at least the courts know how your ex actually is, and have been willing to put restraints on him. Perhaps you could look into changing custody to SOLE, with him only having limited visitation and none of the rights to make major decisions?
Judges only grant Joint conservatorship if they feel that the parents can get along well enough to make the decisions together. It is obvious that your ex cannot.

My heart goes out to you and your kids.

DWBalboa

Can I reply without reading it?

It is quite lengthy (

It's like a Lifetime movie of the week!! LOL!

Be careful with this clown, mental abuse is every bit as serious as physical abuse and it often leads to the physical abuse. Joking aside, if you’re not careful this could turn into a “Lifetime movie of the week.” If he is as vindictive as you say he is then you need to be extra careful.

peachstategal

The school year is about over. This would be a good time to move.

jtrack3d

Move. The farther the better. His past record is enough that they can't force you to stay. But don't ask first, just go and ask permission afterwards. The longer it takes for him to make a move the better the chances are the courts will just leave it alone. That is, you can prove the kids have it better where you are, with you and away from him.

oregonzoo

If all you claim has been documented, you should not have a hard time moving with them.

15 minutes doesn't even have to alter the custody agreement. Maybe it's more inconvinent for him, but *kitten* happens.

mnashp

PLEASE seek counseling from a local women's shelter. They are VERY familiar with situations just like yours and have resources that may not be generally known. They can at least give better advice about your options, and even (possibly, depending) hook you up with a lawyer who specializes in these matters and donates their time pro-bono.

Of course the children come first! But how to best accomplish that is the question.

Keep your radar tuned! Men who have to win can up the ante in unpredictable ways. Don't let your guard down.

good luck!

gecho

go to mediation, and move anyway.

This!

Collier78

Can I reply without reading it?

It is quite lengthy (

It's like a Lifetime movie of the week!! LOL!

Be careful with this clown, mental abuse is every bit as serious as physical abuse and it often leads to the physical abuse. Joking aside, if you’re not careful this could turn into a “Lifetime movie of the week.” If he is as vindictive as you say he is then you need to be extra careful.

This! If he has the track record you say, gather that information and use your lawyer to put an end to his hand in their life. If your lawyer is telling you that you don't have enough evidence, get a second opinion. I speak from experience, this is a powder keg waiting to blow if he is as obsessive and controlling as you say. Eventually he WILL use physical violence on you or the children. Definitely seek counseling and help for this situation and do what you need to for your families safety.

markei1

I understand about trying to maintain a certain level of peace. However, you've already stated that you are the more responsible parent, so you have to do what's best for your boys. Good luck to you and your future move!!!

bethlaf

you actually have the law on your side more than ever , the manipulation etc threats etc thats all seen and documented now, go to a mediator, if you guys cant agree the mediator will report to the court , and make reccomendations, if in fact your choices are reasonable, i mean youre talking 15-30 minutes move, not half across the country, and the reasons are sound , school systems and problems with them are a justifiable cause.
and have stood up in court multiple tiimes...

start building a record for him , and every time these complaints come up , record it and get it documented, he says im gonna ruin you , call the police and reprot it ,
start building documentation.
a hx of these behaviors will point out the issues, and honestly if they ever do charge him, keep in mind he will lose his nursing lisc.
and that will affect your child support and the money/time he can spend with the boys.

DucklingtoSwan

If you do only decide to move the 15 minutes (and I agree with those who say it should be way, way farther than that!) if you are still in the same county, anything he tries to file will still be heard by the same judge, who seems to have his number, fortunately. I'd also make sure you can prove he was FULLY informed of where you moved (so he can't claim you took off with the kids and didn't tell him.) I'd also recommend going to the police preemptively in your new town and explaining the situation. They can verify his track record with your current local police.

That said, I agree with the many who suggest to do everything possible to get as far away as you can. (Get some proper legal advice on how best to do it legally.) Plus look at the bright side- the farther you move, the less convenient for him, maybe he'll get lazy enough to not want to be around and hassle you or the kids as much. You never know.