I need to gain but I'm scared

Eleonora91

To be honest, I think you're so scared because you're not convinced you should actually gain weight, even though you've been told to for your own health. It's a good thing that you have accepted you've got to put some weight on, but you don't seem mentally ready to do it the healthy way. Gaining weight for your own health, being an anorexic in recovery, means that you'll also have to put some fat tissue on. That's the purpose, that's not going to make you "fat" or stuff like that. We all need a certain amount of fat to live a healthy life, I'm sure you know it. You can obviously gain as much muscle as you want to, but I don't think that's the point. If you're still convinced someone should just "tell you to lose more weight" maybe you should focus more on why you have to do this before actually starting gaining weight. I'm telling you this because I've known a bunch of people who started gaining weight to recover from their eating disorder without actually wanting it, and ended up relapsing afterwards.

tayloryay

Since you are in recovery from a restrictive ED, you do NOT need to be exercising! Look at that YourEatopia link that was posted, read that entire site, it's so worth it. Your body has a set point that it will be healthy and happiest at, and there's nothing you can do to change that set point, so let your body work and do what's best for you. Just rest and heal, and your body will rebuild your muscles on its own. You won't only gain fat, it needs to repair your organs and muscles as well, since it has been using them for fuel. Exercising on top of it will only cause more damage and prevent you from healing properly. Going over is absolutely ok!! Eating more is what you need right now, not more restriction. You have thousands and thousands of calorie debt that you need to pay back, so there's no such thing as eating too much right now. This is really not the place to ask about ED recovery as most people (even a lot of medical professionals) have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to EDs. Non-eating disordered people's bodies work different from someone with an ED, and what's good or normal for them is not necessarily good or normal for you! Stay strong, and good luck in recovery!!

kill3rtofu

I've always been real skinny my whole life and have recently been gaining slowly as to not become fat (have a large belly). Gaining about half a pound per week seems to work well for me-- started at 149 and and 156 now in 14 weeks.

As for going over your meal plan: don't stress over it. You may feel bloated, but it won't affect you negatively unless you continue it for a long time.

PJPrimrose

If you lift heavy weights while you are gaining, it will become muscle. This means you will not really look any fatter. It also means your metabolism will be better at goal weight.

Find the ETP Eat Train Progess thread for more specific instructions.

It's true. You'll look good.

BTW, get HELP means get help! How is that hard to understand? They have people to help you with EDs. So if someone comes to me"I'm peeing blood and bladder cancer runs in my family". What the hell am I supposed to say? "Gee dude, that really sucks. I think you should buy a whole lot of your favorite ice cream and pick out an outfit for your funeral". No, I would recommend that person see a doctor, hopefully an oncologist, and get some HELP. That's what HELP is there for. If you might have something going on that will KILL you, as anorexia surely will, I suggest you get some damn HELP.

sarwatf

I'm no expert , but here are my 2 cents from my own experience when I was in my early twenties:

Although excessive exercising is obviously counterproductive , SOME exercise ( whatever kind) can actually be good. You start to see fitness benefits and you start to see that if you don't fuel your body you don't perform as well . And it helps see food as fuel not as fat. Or it did for me anyway.
Plus , and this was important for me all those years ago, you start to focus on what your body can do rather than only on what it looks like. That helped a lot.
Thirdly , and there are different schools of thought on this , but you don't have a logged diary. Do what works for you -- in the same way as some people who are overweight are convinced that they "hardly" ate anything until they start logging , you may well feel you over-ate when you ate just right , or worse , not enough. Obviously if writing what you are eating is additional stress, don't.
Finally , and it sounds like you are doing some of this already , do speak about your fears to your counsellor or dietician --as someone once said to me the one thing an anorexic ( or a recovering one) does not lack is willpower. The challenge is to channel that willpower into being healthy. Good luck.

PikaKnight

Honestly, I would suggest not posting on the forums about this but rather talking to your therapist or/and team about your fears and concerns.

Please don't take this as "mean" or "cold"...just being truthful because right now you should be focusing on your health mentally and physically and not opening yourself up to possible triggers.

Talk to your therapist/team about other possible support options like group therapy...maybe even support groups online that are closely monitored.

Best of luck OP

_HeartsOnFire_

I am in recovery from anorexia and I've been part of a treatment program for about 4 years now and still see a therapist and dietitian. I know what I need to do, I'm just scared and I don't know how to get over this fear. I guess the point of my post was to let my fear be written down, have honest feedback from people and possibly just get some uplifting feedback. I appreciate everyone's response, so much. I was in the moment of a freak out and it happens quite a bit. I guess I just need reassurance or something. I don't even know.

Per your message above you said you still see this therapist...you need to discuss your anxiety and fear with that therapist. They can help you get thru it.

likitisplit

I've talked with them about my meal plan but if I go to deep they'll put me in higher care. I just need to build lean muscle and avoid much fat gain.

I don't know that many of the people here really know how to support those with eating issues (I've posted numerous times to the response "gET HElp!!!" over and over, not helpful in the slightest!)

you're right, they don't. Usually it takes a trained professional to know how to help people with these things, hence the replies "get help"

having suffered from mental health issues myself (not eating disorders, but many things about them being the same such as it being hard to accept that I was ill and needed help), I don't think telling people to get help is bad advice. If someone posted about having all the symptoms of meningitis then people would tell them to see a doctor... you wouldn't expect lay people on an internet forum to know how to help someone with meningitits, unless one of them happened to be a doctor, and even then the doctor would say "this sounds a lot like meningitis, go to your nearest accident and emergency department right now".... they can't help someone over the internet. So you can't expect lay people on an internet forum to know how to help someone with an eating disorder. Same with other mental health issues. I know (from personal experience) how hard it is to take that step and actually get help, but looking back it's absolutely the most important thing to do and a major step towards recovery.

OP: if you're really that afraid to gain weight, then you need to talk this through to a professional.... talk to the person who's given you the meal plan about how you're feeling, they should be able to either help you or direct you to someone who can help you.

The thing is that you probably NEED fat gain. Fat isn't just nasty stuff that makes us look bad. It has important metabolic functions that are required for good health. Gaining muscle is awesome, but if you are seriously underweight, you NEED the fat too.

AliceDark

Please also try to remember that when you're in recovery, you're not just either gaining fat or muscle. You're rebuilding your bones and repairing damage to your organs. The rules that apply to "healthy weight" people when they try to bulk don't apply to you, so some of the advice you'll get on the forums will be wrong for you. Especially in the beginning, your body needs the extra calories to strengthen your bones and your heart, etc. Unless you really understand the differences, biologically speaking, between bulking and anorexia recovery, you need to be getting as much accurate medical information as possible from a credible source, and not from someone on the internet who doesn't understand why your situation isn't the same as theirs.

deksgrl

Please also try to remember that when you're in recovery, you're not just either gaining fat or muscle. You're rebuilding your bones and repairing damage to your organs. The rules that apply to "healthy weight" people when they try to bulk don't apply to you, so some of the advice you'll get on the forums will be wrong for you. Especially in the beginning, your body needs the extra calories to strengthen your bones and your heart, etc. Unless you really understand the differences, biologically speaking, between bulking and anorexia recovery, you need to be getting as much accurate medical information as possible from a credible source, and not from someone on the internet who doesn't understand why your situation isn't the same as theirs.

^^^^^^^ THIS

sarwatf

Please also try to remember that when you're in recovery, you're not just either gaining fat or muscle. You're rebuilding your bones and repairing damage to your organs. The rules that apply to "healthy weight" people when they try to bulk don't apply to you, so some of the advice you'll get on the forums will be wrong for you. Especially in the beginning, your body needs the extra calories to strengthen your bones and your heart, etc. Unless you really understand the differences, biologically speaking, between bulking and anorexia recovery, you need to be getting as much accurate medical information as possible from a credible source, and not from someone on the internet who doesn't understand why your situation isn't the same as theirs.

^^^^^^^ THIS

this x2

QuietBloom

OP, please ignore the people trying to tell you to exercise. If you have questions about that, please ask your team if you are healthy enough first. Exercise burns calories, and you are already having a hard time getting enough of them. Focus on that first. And talk to your team about your anxieties - I am sure they are normal for someone in your situation, and that they will ease as your body and your mind get healthier by gaining weight.

spacelump

Your feelings are valid. You are still very much in control of your body and how you gain the weight needed. If you weight lift while you gain, you will still look slender and your body will happily use up those new calories you're giving it. Again, you are still in control! For me, that was the hardest part to remember.

PeacefulBalance

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot. I did fairly well on my meal plan today (missed only a couple things) but I have been focusing more on my future and what I want. I want to have kids someday soon and I want to be a dietitian that can help kids with eating disorders. I guess I just need to re-evaluate the terms I'm using to myself. Instead of thinking of gaining weight I'm going to think about getting stronger so I can do all of the things I used to before. Last summer I did SO well with recovery and this year just sort of happened but I want to have energy and be able to workout again. Cooking my own meals with fresh ingredients always his me focus on health as well. I just needed to be put back into that mindset and I truly appreciate every response to this thread/topic. Thank you!

likitisplit

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot. I did fairly well on my meal plan today (missed only a couple things) but I have been focusing more on my future and what I want. I want to have kids someday soon and I want to be a dietitian that can help kids with eating disorders. I guess I just need to re-evaluate the terms I'm using to myself. Instead of thinking of gaining weight I'm going to think about getting stronger so I can do all of the things I used to before. Last summer I did SO well with recovery and this year just sort of happened but I want to have energy and be able to workout again. Cooking my own meals with fresh ingredients always his me focus on health as well. I just needed to be put back into that mindset and I truly appreciate every response to this thread/topic. Thank you!

I think this describes a generally healthy mindset no matter what a person's goals are. Focusing on performance (while avoiding injury) seems to help people make more balanced choices than focusing on what we see in the mirror. Most people are challenges with seeing themselves accurately - it's like listening to yourself on tape. Even people with beautiful voices tend to avoid it.

superhippo95

i suggest you seek medical advice and professional help

Spiderkeys

I'm in a similar situation, suddenly I've lost too much weight, nearly 20 pounds under my goal, I'm looking awfully thin, but afraid if I decide to gain even a little bit, the needle on the scale just won't stop rising and before you know it, Ill be very fat again, if I wanted to gain weight, I rather new muscle weight than new fat weight.

rose313

I think you are doing a good job so far! Keep sticking to your meal plan, your dietician and therapist know best. I hope your therapist is helpful to you, therapy can be a wonderful thing. It stinks that you can't just instantly feel better and "get over" a mental illness. It takes a lot of work and a lot of time. You can do this. Do it for your health and so your family can enjoy having you around for a long time. Talk to your therapist about these concerns.