New lifestyle, old relationship.

kaylatee0

I never thought I’d be on a forum seeking advice for something like this.. but here goes.

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost 7 years. I’m 23, he’s 27. I was 17 when we first met.. I was in high school.

He is my first love.. my first everything.

We’ve never had a perfect relationship, but I never really knew what was normal, I never had any other experiences to compare to. I just sort of take everything for what it is.

I’ll admit that things are comfortable, the spark isn’t quite there anymore. We love each other, we care for each other… things aren’t “bad” . If we were to break up, people would be blown away.. I’m always told how “cute we are together” and how lucky I am to have found someone at such a young age.

I’ve questioned our relationship, many many times in the past… hummed and hawed, tried to picture myself alone, or with other people.. it didn’t seem right. I feel like I’m not exactly happy with him, but I sure as hell wouldn’t be happy without him.

These last few months, as I become more serious about my goals and my fitness, I feel like he does not fit into what I want anymore. I’ve lost 25 pounds and in so have dealt with some pretty serious binging issues, and when I finally broke down and told him that I had a problem, and that I was going to seek out help he didn’t really provide any support, just a good for you. He never asked me about it again, I’ve been going to talk to a therapist every week.. he never asks how it went or how I’m doing.

He has a drinking problem, he drinks every night 4-10 beer without fail, twice that on weekends. Like any addiction he goes through a cycle of trying to quit, getting mad and buying beer, declaring himself done and starting again.. and so the cycle goes. I’ve tried so hard to support him, get him to the gym with me, live a healthier lifestyle. I’ve come to realize that I can’t change him, I can’t make him stop. If we’re heated about his drinking, that’s when he uses my BED against me, like.. he won’t get help if I’m not sort of thing (even though I am)

I feel so consumed by trying to help him, make him happy and I’m ready to start doing me. I want him to fit into that but I don’t know if he does.

I’ve changed so much, I’ve grown into a better, stronger more independent person and I feel like he’s just stayed the same.

The worst part? We just bought a house, it’s being built as we speak, ready in a few months. I feel like I made that commitment because it felt like the right thing to do, the logical next step.. I feel so stupid.

If asked today (this wasn’t the case a year ago) I would describe myself as determined and ambitious. In both my career and my personal life I am setting goals and squashing them. When I am by myself, at work, at the gym I am someone who is SUCCSESSFUL. I know who I am and what I want.

Then I come home to him and I can’t share those things, he doesn’t get it, he can’t be happy for me because these things don’t excite him like they excite me.

Am I being selfish? Do I need to give this a chance and make it work? Or is it time to pull up my socks and leave?

It hurts to think about not being with him, not waking up next to him .. in fact I’m crying just thinking about it.. but I’ve never really had a break up before, if the right thing to do is end it, should I not be so sad?

SonicDeathMonkey80

The next logical step would have been a marriage contract, not muddying the waters by buying a house and getting into debt together without legal protection (that's just ridiculous), but that's another subject.

This happens on MFP a few times a week and is completely normal. Anyway, sounds like you made your bed, however, it's never too late to cut your losses and move on.

No_Finish_Line

i got halfway through the OP and got bored.

hope this applies

If you ask me, real love is the emotion of love. And just like, happiness, sadness, anger and any other human emotion, it can not last forever in an unbroken chain.

But for some reason people want to put that on love. That if your not constantly in the state of romantic love with someone, then you are not 'in love' with them 'anymore'.

The truth is, two people ONLY stay together because thats what they choose to do.

likitisplit

Only you know whether your relationship works for you or not. However, I'd highly suggest the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B000FC1KCU/).

The house does complicate things. However, imagine working through the challenges that come with kids - the disagreements with style and the constant communication that needs to happen. The trade-offs between your needs and his needs as you try to meet THEIR needs, which are non-negotiable. To be clear: four beers isn't a deal breaker there. An inability for you both to come to a common understanding and mutual respect is.

These are serious questions and only you can answer them.

pseudomuffin

I was in a VERY similar situation to yours, and that relationship sucked all of the happiness out of my life until my choices were either to leave him or kill myself. I'm still alive, so...

Basically, he was my only long-term relationship, I married him right out of high school, etc., and we were happy for a while, bought a house together, but I began to mature as a person and he stayed the same, started drinking more, because apathetic and emotionally abusive, and used all sorts of manipulative *kitten* to control my life.

It's easy to stay with someone when you're comfortable with them, they're all you've known and change is more uncomfortable than staying... But believe me, if you're not happy, it's worth it to get out NOW and save yourself the pain of a deteriorating relationship. The house is just an excuse to stay with him, because it seems really inconvenient to back out now, but it's just a matter of refinancing without your name on it.

navygrrl

Have you talked with your boyfriend about how you feel? People aren't mind readers, and if you don't tell him how you feel, how is he supposed to know? Start from there.

Also, partners are not obligated to share and love everything. They are not clones of ourselves. Just because he's not as excited about things as you are doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you or that things are doomed. Again, this would be where the communication with your partner comes into play.

So, talk with him.

willrun4bagels

Some thoughts I had while reading:

-Maybe he isn't being supportive of your treatment for your B.E.D. because he doesn't know how to do so. Maybe he does not know enough about it and isn't sure what to say or do to help you. Don't necessarily look at it as him not supporting you, he may not know what you're expecting from him to help you. Try having an open conversation with him, consider bringing him to see your therapist to help him understand what you're going through. Some people are very open about discussing their personal issues, some people are not very open. He may be one of those people, which is why he might also have trouble dealing with his drinking.

-Have a conversation with him about his drinking at a time when he's sober. Share what you are feeling, but don't beat him up. Don't make it about insulting him, say things like "When you __________, I feel like ___________" and talk things though that way.

It sounds like you both need help, and couple's counseling if you want to salvage the relationship (which from your comments, I seem to get that you'd like to keep the relationship, and improve it).

You're right in that you can't change him, but you can both make small compromises to work better together. Maybe he would give up drinking a few nights a week and save it for weekends, and in exchange, maybe you'd trade one workout at the gym by yourself and instead go for a walk together as a couple. Things like that.

You'd be surprised at how much things between the two of you can change drastically after having one of those more difficult conversations. Maybe he's not feeling the same way as you when you wrote this post, maybe he's totally happy with where things are right now and doesn't know that you're not feeling the same way.

JoRocka

Ooof- houses are tricky. That throws a monkey wrench into things.

You need to do what makes you happy. I came to a similar conculusion a year ago- (june actually on the money) and I broke up with my 2 year boyfriend- and after 3 months he convinced me to make a second go at it. And honestly I wasn't happy alone- I missed him deeply- so we had some very serious conversations about what we expected from each other and how things were going to move forward- I'm personally 90 mph- I work out I dance I work CONSTANTLY. He likes to do the bare minimum and as long as I'm happy and my stuff is good- he's happy. I told him- I couldn't deal with someone who operated at 35mph- he didn't need to be me- or as busy as me- but he needed a hobby or something or a ANYTHING- underwater basket weaving. I'm still not 100% happy with how things are going- and I got a great deal of **** for getting back together (I actually don't personally believe in break up- get back break up this was my first experience with that) but what I did realize was my life is better with him in it- he makes me happy and it's not perfect- I don't want my life to NOT have him in it. I think it actually made us stronger and have a better sense of communication and understanding. And I committed to making this work and if for whatever reason in the future one of us pulled the plug we agreed that was it- it was done- we weren't going through that process again- once was enough.

So that's what you need to decide. Do you feel like you're life is better with him or without him. That is a hard place to be- I feel for you. I agonized for weeks and I was heart broken when I broke up with him. It's tough.

As for this- wanted to address specifically:

These last few months, as I become more serious about my goals and my fitness, I feel like he does not fit into what I want anymore. I’ve lost 25 pounds and in so have dealt with some pretty serious binging issues, and when I finally broke down and told him that I had a problem, and that I was going to seek out help he didn’t really provide any support, just a good for you. He never asked me about it again, I’ve been going to talk to a therapist every week.. he never asks how it went or how I’m doing.

to be fair- men like to fix.

And you had a problem- and you are fixing it- so for him- he doesn't NEED to do anything- you're getting it handled.

My BF is TERRIBLE at talking things out- sometimes I just want to talk it out- mull stuff over and discuss the way the world works or why I feel a certain way- and he just says- you're awesome- you work hard- you should rest more- you are great this and that"... talking about it just never happens and I mostly get mad when I try because he has one point and that's it- there is no discussing the way the world turns to discuss. So I mostly just don't. I talk to my other friends who like talking about stuff like that. it saves me the hassle of being disappointed/angry/annoyed/disappointed with a lack luster conversation.

good luck honey!! it's hard I know! !

Unknown

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ew_david

The internet won't answer this for you. Only you can do that.

levitateme

I was with my first love for 4 years, thought we'd get married.

It took me 3 more LTR before I found "the one," my current dude.

Seriously, if it doesn't work now, it won't work later on down the line. It's easy to stay in something because it's comfortable, and it will hurt when you break it off (even if you're the one doing the breaking) but it's the smart thing to do.

tinkbaby101

Only you can decide what's best for you. House be damned, if he's not what's best for you for the long haul, then make a change. Just because his passions and interests are different from yours doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, so keep that in mind when you're thinking of changing things up. But the biggest red flag, IMO, is the drinking. Talk to him about getting help and making a positive change. If he can and is willing to, great! If not, do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to rehabilitate someone who doesn't want your help? No matter what you decide, you need to talk to him. Communication is vital for you to know what page the both of you are on, and then using that information to decide what's best for yourself.

Best of luck!

Factory_Reset

Figure out what you want. That's all that matters.

wilsoje74

You are 23 and haven't had much relationship experience. He's an alcoholic. Why did you build a house before marriage? Who is paying for this house????

bethfartman

Break it off and sell the house- the deeper you get the harder it is going to be to leave in the future. No relationship has that 'spark' forever and if that was the only issue I'd say stay together, but you guys seem like you have real issues that are not going to be dealt with any time soon and him not supporting you is a HUGE deal breaker. The sooner you break up with him, the sooner you can get on with living your life the way you want to. Love is not some mysterious thing- it' s simply attraction followed by commitment, and most importantly, it's a decision you can make, so make the decision wisely.

MinnieInMaine

Of course it's hearbreaking - pretty much any break up will be unless you're a complete sociopath. BUT ultimately you have to do what is best for you in the long run. A little heartbreak and lonliness for a while or years and years of being unhappy. Only you can choose.

I get it, I went through a thing with my now-husband when we we'd been together for a couple years. In the end I decided I couldn't live without him and I don't regret it.

And I agree with the person who suggested some good communication is in order. Most people aren't mind readers - unless you tell them what you want/need, you're not going to get it.

P.S. I don't think any relationship is perfect...everyone has problems they have to work thorugh.

bunbunzee44

well here's your chance now. the house isn't ready yet. if you delay this, you are going to be stuck with him for much longer. if you're ambitious and succesfull, then why do you need to worry about a house?

kaylatee0

Thanks all..

Can't say the house is playing a huge part in the deciding factor as I can afford it on my own. I just am wishing I didn't take the step with him. With or without him, I would have bought a house anyway. Thank you for all of the advice, and I think I have a lot to think about. I came here for advice, not the solution and I think I've gotten that.

Feel the need to answer these questions though:

You are 23 and haven't had much relationship experience. He's an alcoholic. Why did you build a house before marriage? Who is paying for this house????

I'll forwardly admit that I do not have experience with relationships.. which is why I'm here asking for advice.

We built a house before marriage because I for one have absolutely no interest in the sacrament of marriage. I don't believe that a wedding or marriage holds any value in my life. Please note I said my life. Marriage does not determine the success of a relationship and does not need to act as step one before buying a house. It's 2014.

With or without him, I would have a bought a house.

And because you asked.. We are paying for this house, with our money that we have earned... by working... our jobs. Isn't that how it usually goes?

suziepoo1984

As everyone said, you need to figure this out yourself. Why not try taking a break or staying apart and seeing how much impact it has on you. For example, i tend to take my hubby for granted on many occasions, but if i am away from him for a single day, i feel crushed and miss him to pieces and appreciate him so much more! It makes me realize how much more i love him.

kaylatee0

As everyone said, you need to figure this out yourself. Why not try taking a break or staying apart and seeing how much impact it has on you. For example, i tend to take my hubby for granted on many occasions, but if i am away from him for a single day, i feel crushed and miss him to pieces and appreciate him so much more! It makes me realize how much more i love him.

ive been thinking this too.. maybe even just using it at time to get myself together, organize my thoughts and figure out what i really want.

timberowl

Try this (as a previous poster said, this is based on my own experience):

The next time he disrespects you (puts you down, throws things you've confided in him about in your face, calls you names, yells, swears, doesn't keep his word, etc.), walk out. Do not argue with him, do not pass go, do not collect $200, just walk out the front door, in front of his face.

I don't mean forever or anything that dramatic. You walk out, go to a friend's house, your parents' house, a Days' Inn. I've gone to Super 8 before when I was married and we were poor (poor because of his alcohol addiction--he'd drink half a freakin' bottle of Southern Comfort a day during the week, and a full one on weekends...then didn't have money to help pay the damn electric bill)--I had to dip into savings for it. Maybe even a Holiday Inn if you're well off enough. Turn off your phone, throw it in the trunk of your car so you're not even tempted to see if he's called or not.

Take a dip in the hot tub, watch whatever you want on the tv in a comfy robe, sip on a rum and coke or whatever your vice is.

Eat a delicious, healthy breakfast in the morning.

Around 9-10am, turn your phone back on.

What's on there should help you make up your mind. Did he call/text at all? Was he accusatory? (Wrong answer) Worried? Pleading? Promising to change?

If he's accusatory ("who'd you go to the hotel with????") immediately get out.

If he's worried sick about you, then you may have a keeper.

Let him know that you absolutely will not sleep in the same house with him if he continues this disrespectful behavior, and you will leave every time. He'll try to tell you that "oh well you can't just walk away when we need to talk!" and you can counter with "I tried to talk, and you were disprectful. Cut the disrespect and you'll have nothing to worry about."

I_Will_End_You

It sounds like you're not happy with him. Don't stay with someone who you are not happy with. You've got one life, don't spend it being miserable.

schmetterling1

If you truly are not happy with him then it is time to move on. There is a lot of growing and changes that happen from high school to adulthood. Some people go through it more than others. Sounds like you have and he hasn't.

Yes the house is going to be tricky, however be glad you two don't have children together. The house you can sell. Children will be both of yours for life. Think about it.

StaciMarie1974

I can't possibly know what is right for you - but staying in a relationship just because staying is easier than leaving: not good.

I can relate somewhat. Got married @ 20. Why? Well, we figured we'd get married eventually anyhow and by getting married he could get in-state tuition at Georgia Tech. (I was a GA resident, and by marrying me he was no longer in the state just for school. Hey, in the end it saved his mom a good bit of $.) 2 years later I left. I reached a point where I had to admit that a future with him was not what I wanted. He was a good guy, but we'd changed alot in the span of 3 1/2 years. (Dating and/or living together for 1 1/2 then married for 2 more.) It was not easy, but I reached a point where I just had to. We're now each happily married. To other people.

The house does complicate things, but also should not be a significant reason for staying if nothing else holds you there. And its scary, the thought of starting over. Don't think about dating, finding someone else, etc. Consider where you want to be in 5, 25, 50 years. Do you see him in that future? If its yes or even maybe, then this is stuff you need to try to discuss with him and work out. If its 'hell no!' then you have your answer.

StaciMarie1974

Ps-to each his/her own on the marriage topic. We have girls ages 12 & 14. (And a son about to be 16.) We got married when the older daughter was 5 months old. Our kids know the timeline - my youngest will sometimes tease that she's the only legitimate child in the family.

Awesomers

You will change a lot during your 20s (don't ask me about your 30s, I'm only just there lol). If you're not on the same page anymore, take a break and see what happens. We get trapped in the comfort of a relationship (yes, even a bad one) that we become too scared to explore the rest of the world. I know the most annoying thing to hear is "you're so young" but it's true, in this instance. You have so, so much life ahead of you. You'd be doing yourself a disservice by staying with someone for the comfort or because people expect you two to stay together. From what you've written, it seems like he tries to exert some control over you. I hope that you'll recognize extreme control mechanisms as potentially abusive (not saying that's happening in your relationship, but it's always good to know). Good luck and stick to your goals.

likitisplit

You will change a lot during your 20s (don't ask me about your 30s, I'm only just there lol). If you're not on the same page anymore, take a break and see what happens. We get trapped in the comfort of a relationship (yes, even a bad one) that we become too scared to explore the rest of the world. I know the most annoying thing to hear is "you're so young" but it's true, in this instance. You have so, so much life ahead of you. You'd be doing yourself a disservice by staying with someone for the comfort or because people expect you two to stay together. From what you've written, it seems like he tries to exert some control over you. I hope that you'll recognize extreme control mechanisms as potentially abusive (not saying that's happening in your relationship, but it's always good to know). Good luck and stick to your goals.

The 20's are about exploration, experimentation and adding things.

The 30's are about being comfortable with who you are...and who you are not. You cut back. If if doesn't add value or make you happy, you cut it out. You find something that works better for you, personally.

Nickle526

Al-anon for you, AA for him if he wants it. If alcoholism is at play, it's pointless to worry about other areas of the relationship until this is under control.

jkal1979

You will change a lot during your 20s (don't ask me about your 30s, I'm only just there lol). If you're not on the same page anymore, take a break and see what happens. We get trapped in the comfort of a relationship (yes, even a bad one) that we become too scared to explore the rest of the world. I know the most annoying thing to hear is "you're so young" but it's true, in this instance. You have so, so much life ahead of you. You'd be doing yourself a disservice by staying with someone for the comfort or because people expect you two to stay together. From what you've written, it seems like he tries to exert some control over you. I hope that you'll recognize extreme control mechanisms as potentially abusive (not saying that's happening in your relationship, but it's always good to know). Good luck and stick to your goals.

The 20's are about exploration, experimentation and adding things.

The 30's are about being comfortable with who you are...and who you are not. You cut back. If if doesn't add value or make you happy, you cut it out. You find something that works better for you, personally.

^^Agree with both.

OP, I would really think twice about moving in with him if he has an alcohol problem that he isn't willing or able to get under control now.

ValGogo

if you don't have kids, you have to call it quits. the drinking won't stop. I'M TELLING YOU IT WILL GET WORSE....it may take 10 years more but the drinking will escalate.

Those high school relationships that last forever are very rare. If you've been thinking about calling it quits you may be onto something. Get out while you are still young and don't have any kids yet.

RekindledRose

Get out of the house contract in any way possible, cut your losses, DON'T GET PREGNANT! If it's this bad now, it's only gonna get worse.

If you settle for less than you deserve you'll get less than you settle for.

Stop giving yourself away. In your next relationship have more respect for yourself. You know what I mean. You're an adult now. You were a kid then. I'm appalled, actually, that your parents let a 17 year old date a 20 year old.

Get out and rescue your life while you still can.