I am no longer my daughter's hero
Replies
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When I had to go back to work and put my daughter into daycare, she had a hard time adjusting. As hurtful and unfair as it felt to me, she was angry that I was no longer with her all day every day. Eventually she adjusted, and didn't take it out on me anymore. Also, like others have said, your daughter sees her father less than she sees you, so she craves him more. Don't take things too personally, she is only a baby.
You need to set your own needs aside and do your best to meet HER needs. After all, you are an adult, and you didn't have a baby to meet your emotional needs. But she deserves to have her needs met.
MIND READER!!! :laugh:
Scary! :laugh:
This is all well and good, thank you. Please read the entire post.0 -
As a mother to an entire army of kids...well these things happen. I remember feeling hurt at times too. But I tell you, she loves you...as much as you love her. What she's doing and your feelings are normal. Don't give into the hurt.0
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Rejoice! It's a developmental milestone!
At this age your daughter is taking her first steps way from you-her primary caregiver!
It's a little sad for you but it means you've made her feel so loved and secure that she is well-adjusted enough to start spreading her little wings a bit! Great job, Mom!
She will, from now on, venture away from you and then come back for reassurance and then venture away some more!
It's life, and it's what supposed to happen!0 -
Frankly, the end goal in parenting is to do what you need to do to produce a balanced, contented and socially productive adult.
It's your duty to develop HER self-esteem, not the other way around.
This... Wow.. :noway:0 -
When my daughter was that age, she started to push me away too. Her and daddy would be playing on the patio, and if I tried to go out there, she would push me back inside and say "no mama!" But, she didn't see her dad as much because he worked a full time job, and went to school at night. She just missed him, and was used to me. Don't worry, that phase has passed. Now she alternates between only wanting daddy, and only wanting mommy.0
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When I had to go back to work and put my daughter into daycare, she had a hard time adjusting. As hurtful and unfair as it felt to me, she was angry that I was no longer with her all day every day. Eventually she adjusted, and didn't take it out on me anymore. Also, like others have said, your daughter sees her father less than she sees you, so she craves him more. Don't take things too personally, she is only a baby.
You need to set your own needs aside and do your best to meet HER needs. After all, you are an adult, and you didn't have a baby to meet your emotional needs. But she deserves to have her needs met.
MIND READER!!! :laugh:
Scary! :laugh:
This is all well and good, thank you. Please read the entire post.
I did read your entire post. I empathize with your situation because I went through the exact same thing. But I constantly had to remind myself that I was there to meet her emotional needs as best I was able, and to set my own emotional needs aside. Because I am an adult, and she is a child.
ETA: I see you edited your post after I posted. My answer is still the same. You are a good mom - I'm just sharing with you what worked for me. :flowerforyou:0 -
Rejoice! It's a developmental milestone!
At this age your daughter is taking her first steps way from you-her primary caregiver!
It's a little sad for you but it means you've made her feel so loved and secure that she is well-adjusted enough to start spreading her little wings a bit! Great job, Mom!
She will, from now on, venture away from you and then come back for reassurance and then venture away some more!
It's life, and it's what supposed to happen!
This times infinity!
Her independence is a sign of a job well done.0 -
Hey all, I was hoping to get some advice. I have a 15 month old daughter, and she seems to not really like me anymore. When her dad is around, her grandma, or her aunt, she will ignore me and only want to play with them. If I pick her up, she will cry and physically try and push me away. She says "dadadada" the entire time, and when she wakes up in the morning, she doesn't want me to come in her room. I know I am an adult and can control my emotions, but it hurts! It is especially upsetting because I feel like I do everything for her(Yes I know I sound like a martyr). My husband works 7 days a week, 6 of those days from 8-8:30. He drives her to daycare in the mornings and drops her off, but I do everything else. He only makes it home after she is already asleep, so the only time they have quality time is on Sunday when he gets four hours off. Every single day I make her dinner, give her a bath, play with her, make sure she doesn't get into things she shouldn't, put her to sleep, read her stories. And it just stings when I am her primary caregiver, and it is like I could drop off the face of the earth and she wouldn't notice. I was so excited to be a mom, and I stayed home until she was 10 months old. She and I were very close. And now that I am working, I am worried that our relationship is being affected by all this. I just feel so sad about it and have no idea what to do. It is affecting quite a few areas of my life, including my weight loss. I have been so stressed about this, and having a difficult time focusing on myself. I feel like a failure on the parenting front.
*Edited to clarify that while this is upsetting in no way do I think she is a bad child, or unhappy. I do not want her to love me more than her father. I am happy that she enjoys her father's, her grandparent's, her aunt's company so much. I am not in a contest to be the best parent, to be her favorite. I am simply hoping that she does not feel an aversion to me in the company of others. I want her to grow up well adjusted and validated as a child, and if she needs to have me away for awhile, that is okay. I am not looking for her to fill my emotional needs, I am a little concerned my husband and my parenting lifestyle is causing this rift. My sole concern is making sure she is being taken care of. If it is a phase great, but I do not appreciate being called childish or jealous.
How do you define a "hero".
Not the generic term et al. But just you.0 -
I feel like we are getting off the topic of whether this is a normal occurrence (which it sounds like it is, yay!) and more on my "need" to be validated by my daughter. While I do not think this is the case, I will keep that in mind in all future interactions with my child, and hope that the some of the other parents or non parents were not being self righteous and judgmental. I will also state that Working a full time 40 hour a week job may be different than when I did not work and stayed with her 7 months ago, I have no choice to stay at home again. It sounds like I am doing all the normal parenting things, and she simply is looking for interaction with her dad, whom she misses. Thank you to the people who let me know this happens at this age.0
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You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.0 -
It will pass. All kids go through stages. I saw this with all four of my kids. (the hardest was when one of my daughters at age 12 didn't want much to do with me but Dad walked on water. lol) In a few weeks she'll be wanting you and not wanting her father. I even see this with my grandchildren. One month the baby loves me, the next month I can't get near her because she only wants mom.
Smile and know that your daughter is normal. And smile because it gives you a mini-break when she's snuggling with Dad.
He does get the diapers during this time yes? lol 0 -
I don't have a child so no real dog in this fight - except for maybe the fact that I'm sure I told my mother I hated her a couple times during my childhood. We are very close now.
But, I will say, people here are trying to help you put your situation into perspective in a very nice way and you are being pretty defensive. Maybe it's just the forums, or maybe you are like this in real life, but don't be so sensitive. A thicker skin will serve you well in life....and surely in parenting.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
You mean 19 right.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
I'm pretty sure I made my parents rue the day they had sex from 14 until college.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
You mean 19 right.
19?
That's an adult. Bye, bye.0 -
I don't have a child so no real dog in this fight - except for maybe the fact that I'm sure I told my mother I hated her a couple times during my childhood. We are very close now.
But, I will say, people here are trying to help you put your situation into perspective in a very nice way and you are being pretty defensive. Maybe it's just the forums, or maybe you are like this in real life, but don't be so sensitive. A thicker skin will serve you well in life....and surely in parenting.
You're right, I shouldn't be so sensitive. Thank you for your input, I just learned so much about myself.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
You mean 19 right.
19?
That's an adult. Bye, bye.
True. Goodbye Life. FML.0 -
I feel like we are getting off the topic of whether this is a normal occurrence (which it sounds like it is, yay!) and more on my "need" to be validated by my daughter. While I do not think this is the case, I will keep that in mind in all future interactions with my child, and hope that the some of the other parents or non parents were not being self righteous and judgmental. I will also state that Working a full time 40 hour a week job may be different than when I did not work and stayed with her 7 months ago, I have no choice to stay at home again. It sounds like I am doing all the normal parenting things, and she simply is looking for interaction with her dad, whom she misses. Thank you to the people who let me know this happens at this age.
Alright everyone, lift your eyes above please ^^^^^^^:flowerforyou:0 -
As others have said this is just a normal developmental stage, my youngest went through this at tis age as well. (My oldest didn't but he has autism, and missed this developmental milestone.)
One thing I found helpful was integrating some fun activity that you can do every day, even when your working as time for you and your baby. For me it was a bedtime story, reading a book to my boys every night, evolved into a loved "Only Mom does it right" activity that made it easier to see how much they loved and needed me. I started this when I was pregnant with my second child to assure my oldest would have some dedicated mommy time even when the new baby came, but it was good for my ego and our relationship, because it made sure I wasn't only doing the no-fun stuff.
It's funny how it evolved. I read to them when they were little, they read to me when they got old enough, and now we still have a tradition of reading a novel as a family when we have a vacation and everyone has time.
Find something you love that you can share regularly with your child, and just remember you are loved. Even when it doesn't look like it, your baby would be devastated if you weren't there. Trust that and don't give in to depression.0 -
I don't have kids, but speaking as person who was one once upon a time, I preferred the company of my father when I was young because he was the easy going one and my mom would get upset and angry about things easily so we gravitated more towards him. That said, for whatever reason, to this day as a 33 year old woman if anything hugely upsetting happens and I don't know what to do about it, my first thought is always ''I want my mom". I don't know why. So, I'm sure it'll turn around for y'all too.0
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I agree with so much of what has been said already, and that you have clearly stated that you learned and understand.
i also want to add that it is normal to feel concerned and to have questioned and to have looked into it. I can see the concern is for your daughter's well being. You are a good mom. You cared, you reached out, you learned. Parenting can be stressful sometimes with worries. This phase will pass. You are doing well. It's good to get advice from people you can trust. And it's good to have outlets for your own emotions. You might want to consider some affordable counseling options.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.
OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.
OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.
Well, not to be gross, but it makes sense they are showering all the time. I mean, what do you THINK they are doing in there? Better than socks...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Last bit of advice: you'll likely feel this way on & off again for the next 18 years or so. Although no 2 kids are exactly alike, getting some information / education on childhood development will probably help you and your child very much.0
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You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.
OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.
Well, not to be gross, but it makes sense they are showering all the time. I mean, what do you THINK they are doing in there? Better than socks...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
O.M.G :blushing: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
She's used to you, she misses them. Take it how you will.
Pretty much this. She sees you the most.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.
OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.
Thank you very much, I appreciate the advice.0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.
OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.
Well, not to be gross, but it makes sense they are showering all the time. I mean, what do you THINK they are doing in there? Better than socks...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
QFT.0 -
Love to you
When my kids were that age, they had a phase where they preferred one parent over the other. Maybe she prefers her dad right now because she doesn't see him as much as she sees you? It definitely stings, but they equalize eventually. 0 -
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.
What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.
OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.
Well, not to be gross, but it makes sense they are showering all the time. I mean, what do you THINK they are doing in there? Better than socks...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sad: :sad: :sad:
I live forever in denial, and a giant cloud of that nasty Axe body spray they think smells good. :drinker:0
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