Curvy Dating
Replies
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OP, I don't date...happily married but I think I kind of understand. When you have always been slim and in a short time you gain a lot of weight (our stats are near identical 5'4" SW-189 CW-164 GW-135 (weight I have been my whole adult life except last 3 years) it really sends your self confidence for a loop, especially if when thin you fit the societal "standard" for hot. If is a huge difference going from tripping over shallow men and catching a few good ones, to all of a sudden only attracting the fetish guys or some of the few good ones. Confidence is most likely your biggest obstical but I do understand such a major change plays games with your mind. Like you when I was thin I never though about weight, even when I had my daughters, it just melted off. Many confident larger women (not all) have always been on the heavier side, they became confident and secure with their weight and men love confidence.
The fact is (if like me) you probably do not feel like you at your current size. When I look in the mirror, I am still pretty but the reflection does not seem to be me. When walking in the mall and I see my full length reflection... It shocks me, even if I dressed cute and know it looks good, when I see that reflection and the proportions are not the body I had for 34 years it throws my head into a spin and any confidence I had fly's away. I also had an issue assuming any little comment, may be referencing my weight. Accepting the now and noticing little changes as I progress on my get fit journey has boosted my confidence. I wish you luck and online dating may also just not be right for you. One other odd thing, you may be attracted to men that have a preference for the size you were... These are the men you would be used too and it only makes since that these are the men you may gravitate too. Plus standing you up, be happy you didn't need to waste hours of your life on a date with such a jerk. The mild depression you said is coming back, may be showing on you subconsciously and men can sense fake confidence vs the real thing the same as most women. True confidence can not be faked.0 -
Honestly, I think it's all about attraction, attitude and self-confidence.
Just being skinny won't make guys want to be with you. If you're carrying a couple of extra pounds,
but carry them with confidence, you'll probably come across a thousand times more attractive and interesting
than a skinny girl who doesn't.0 -
Who are you dating?
As an overweight person, are you seeking to date men who are fit...and who probably have a reasonable expectation of the same from you? If they are displaying disappointment when meeting you in person, its probably because you are misrepresenting yourself. If they came expecting to meet someone in shape...and didn't...who's fault is that? And it might be disappointment in your lack of honesty as much as your weight.
Not trying to be terribly rude. And I realize that there is a possibility that you'll find a prince charming type who honestly doesn't care what you weight. Odds are against though.
REally...that sounds like the woman who told me I needed to lose weight to find a decent looking man.
Total BS...0 -
Who are you dating?
As an overweight person, are you seeking to date men who are fit...and who probably have a reasonable expectation of the same from you? If they are displaying disappointment when meeting you in person, its probably because you are misrepresenting yourself. If they came expecting to meet someone in shape...and didn't...who's fault is that? And it might be disappointment in your lack of honesty as much as your weight.
Not trying to be terribly rude. And I realize that there is a possibility that you'll find a prince charming type who honestly doesn't care what you weight. Odds are against though.
REally...that sounds like the woman who told me I needed to lose weight to find a decent looking man.
Total BS...
I didn't say anything of the sort. Plenty of guys like bigger ladies. Most however, don't. As I clearly said in the post, its entirely possible she'll happen across someone who meets her expectations, and is fine with her weight.
You should try reading it again, only without projecting your own baggage onto it. What I was asking is what sort of guy she was dating, and what their expectations are. She mentioned that they seemed disappointed upon meeting her...which to me indicates a few potential issues.0 -
Who are you dating?
As an overweight person, are you seeking to date men who are fit...and who probably have a reasonable expectation of the same from you? If they are displaying disappointment when meeting you in person, its probably because you are misrepresenting yourself. If they came expecting to meet someone in shape...and didn't...who's fault is that? And it might be disappointment in your lack of honesty as much as your weight.
Not trying to be terribly rude. And I realize that there is a possibility that you'll find a prince charming type who honestly doesn't care what you weight. Odds are against though.
REally...that sounds like the woman who told me I needed to lose weight to find a decent looking man.
Total BS...
I didn't say anything of the sort. Plenty of guys like bigger ladies. Most however, don't. As I clearly said in the post, its entirely possible she'll happen across someone who meets her expectations, and is fine with her weight.
You should try reading it again, only without projecting your own baggage onto it. What I was asking is what sort of guy she was dating, and what their expectations are. She mentioned that they seemed disappointed upon meeting her...which to me indicates a few potential issues.
I said it sounds like it and to me it does...you assume she is misleading men online...
And trust me I don't have baggage...esp about my weight never did...never will.
I find men aren't as hung up on weight as women think....some are...most aren't. They want women with confidence, that are fun, are independent, don't cling, are a whole person on their own and don't need a man in their life but want one..and if that woman comes in a larger package they don't care...and if they do...who wants them anyway...I have been on dating sites and some guys seem interested, but then they meet me in person and I usually don't see them again. Its like they see me and are disappointed. Lately its gotten to the point where the guys don't even end up showing up to the dates for whatever reason. I waited a few days ago for an hour almost and the guy then told me something came up. He never showed.
Is the actual quote...she is projecting...according to her lots don't even show and that's just a mean thing to do...
I still call what you said BS...without "baggage"...if a man is only interested in the fact a woman is a bit overweight and that changes everything for him he's not worth the time or effort anyway...and it goes both ways...for both men and women...
and in your post you even said "not trying to be terribly rude"...so you knew this would get called out at least once...0 -
Hi, I am new haven't even put my profile together yet. Wow the subject of curvy went crazy and I have been feeling the same way. As a divorced mom of 3 kids, 18, 15, and 12 and on a dating site, it can be depressing. I am 5'2' weigh 162 although my friends would not think I am. On the dating profile, I put curvy at least to get someone to look at the profile. I am going to stay in the dating website until July and then take a break from it, I think it puts too much pressure which can be depressing. I think by working on the weight loss and exercise and yourself first and then your confidence will allow you to meet someone. You can't see personality and humor on a dating site, I find I need to meet someone through someone else to get to know me first. The dating sites are just a snapshot of you, remember that. Work on your health first!!!!0
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I am over two hundred pounds. My fiance didn't date me when I was a skinny miss in high school, instead we friendzoned each other. My solution? Stop. Don't go looking. Find friends instead. Dating is basically over rated. Make a friend for life, not some boy toy you met on a date. Get active in the community, so you won't be lonely. If you're not allergic, volunteer at an animal shelter, and you'll get more than loved on by a bunch of animals. People on dating sites, from experience, can be terribly misleading. Instead, find something you love and do it. You may find yourself in love along the way.
Besides, men are basically kind of boring, until you find one who considers you more than a pair of boobs and a butt to stare at. For now, enjoy your life, and don't worry about the opposite sex, or whatever sex drives you. Do what you love, and you will find love.
This.0 -
Lonely because you don't have a guy friend? There are several other emotions that may come into play but you shouldn't be lonely. Family and friends can hellp overcome that issue. Having your happiness depend on who you are dating at the moment is possibly not the best way to live.0
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SezxyStef
41 years old
Female
Woodstock, NB
"you either want it or you don't "
You seem to think you know everything ....and you don't perhaps you should start a talk show or mentor someone or share you comments with your husband instead of thinking you know everything
But she does know everything. And makes amazing cheesecake. She's the whole package.
:smooched: :flowerforyou: :smooched:0 -
May I suggest something completely out of the ordinary here? And I'm sure I'll get bashed for it, but whatever, it's my two cents.
May I suggest dropping the dating idea for a while? Online dating is historically bad all around and one needs a VERY thick skin to do it. (this is coming from an informed point of view - I did online dating for a long time. It's horrible. And yes, I know all about the guys showing up with disappointment that's very visible on their faces)
So rather than dating, work on yourself. You say you're depressed. Why is that? Whatever the reason, work on that. In the meantime, exercise, go out with friends, visit with family, read books, see shows, travel, work on education, etc. Work on making yourself a whole interesting person.
(On a side note, one of the guys I met while dating online back in the late 90s simply told me he wasn't "into bigger girls." Which was funny because he wasn't exactly fit himself. Anyway, I lost a bunch of weight over 2-3 years at that time. Went back on online dating. Guy who wasn't into "bigger girls" emailed me, said I looked great, would I want to go out. I had a laugh and told him absolutely not - you hurt my feelings and now I'm not interested.
It's also noteworthy that he's still single, out there, still slightly pudgy and now older, looking for someone who's perfect.)0 -
I totally understand! I feel like all the people that hit on me are creepy and straight up say they like my body specifically. Now that I have lost some weight all my friends are pushing me to date again. Last time I went on a date I was in the mid 180s and went out with a guy that was a little soft but not that overweight and I figured we were in the same place. We went on 3 dates and I was finally like we need to kiss at least it's been three (amazing) dates and I went in for it and he literally shuttered away. I don't know if it was because of my weight but I can't help but think that way. I do online date and it sounds like you do as well and I think my pictures are fairly honest they are flattering but show what I really look like. I wish you and everyone else a ton of luck! :flowerforyou:0
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Is it possible that you're acting more depressed than you used to be? A lot of being attractive is confidence.0
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1. Dating as an adult is NOT the same as high school.
2. Eh. Online dating is just weird. I know women who were morbidly obese and met their husbands through online dating. I was very thin when I tried it and I rarely had a second date. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was him. I just never clicked with anyone. The one I liked the most ended up having a major hygiene problem when we met in person, so that was a no-go.
3. I have been in a relationship for nine years, but I have watched friends do this dating thing and these are beautiful women with great personalities and they aren't exactly having any better luck than I had or you seem to be having.
I'm sure there are some men who aren't interested because they don't find you physically attractive, but I doubt your experience would be much better if you dropped 50 pounds. Don't take it personally.
ETA: I did not meet my current partner (or anyone with whom I have had a long-term relationship) online.0 -
I have been on dating sites
That's your problem.
Right there.0 -
The right partner won't make you happy or confident, if you are not already. I suggest working on being happy alone and learning more about who you are and what you want. Once you are happy alone, when the right man ones along, you will know it and you will be ready to enjoy the relationship. Until then, it may just be a form of self medicating that can actually put you back on really being happy and meeting the right person.0
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^^^^^^^The eighth partner won't make you happy or confident, if you are not already. I suggest working on being happy alone and learning more about who you are and what you want. Once you are happy alone, when the right man ones along, you will know it and you will be ready to enjoy the relationship. Until then, it may just be a form of self medicating that can actually put you back on really being happy and meeting the right person.0 -
I'm going to jump on board here and say that dating sucks for everyone. It's hard and it requires a thick skin. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on yourself. When you are happy and confident, everything will come together. But, you have to do it for you and you can't tie your self worth to men or anyone else.
Otheration is the easiest way to kill your self-esteem.0 -
If you're not comfortable in your own skin or with your weight, then it will show and the guys you're getting to know will pick up on that vibe. I've known plenty of big girls and guys that are happy and confident. Also, I noticed in your profile picture you appear to be smaller than 189. We all post our best pics, but if you're doing that on the dating sites and when the guy finally meets you, it's misleading. Present the real you with confidence! You are a beautiful woman!0
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If you're not comfortable in your own skin or with your weight, then it will show and the guys you're getting to know will pick up on that vibe. I've known plenty of big girls and guys that are happy and confident. Also, I noticed in your profile picture you appear to be smaller than 189. We all post our best pics, but if you're doing that on the dating sites and when the guy finally meets you, it's misleading. Present the real you with confidence! You are a beautiful woman!
I get that. She does not like the way she looks. Using a older photos. I would say keep using that as motivation. Let me tell you what my friend told me when I was so pissed off about this issue. "So you realize the girls you talk to are shallow. They want a man who is in shape. I don't mean to be mean and say it is your weight but it is man. You do not feel truly confident in yourself until you can get naked in front of the girl you want. Then you will feel comfortable in your own skin and she will smell the confidence off you." Hard realization but we all have preferences. I also like overweight women by society standards. Looks do start the attraction. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I used to say my entire weight loss was on for females at one point but it is not at all.0 -
A couple things jump out at me. I think that you have too much of yout self-worth tied up in your appearance. Surely there are better things about you that you can use to define yourself.
You're using an old pic as your avatar. You probably tell yourself this is for motivation, but it isn't. That is the person you think you are inside and you're hiding from the beautiful person you currently are. You need to learn to love yourself.0 -
A couple things jump out at me. I think that you have too much of yout self-worth tied up in your appearance. Surely there are better things about you that you can use to define yourself.
You're using an old pic as your avatar. You probably tell yourself this is for motivation, but it isn't. That is the person you think you are inside and you're hiding from the beautiful person you currently are. You need to learn to love yourself.
She doesn't like the way she looks though. I also do not like the way I look. A lot of people do not like the way they look. Especially beach season right now. It is very hard to love yourself when you cannot stand to look at yourself in the mirror.0 -
Dating is difficult no matter what you look like. All guys have different expectations about the women they date, some men prefer slender women, some want them bigger, some want them in shape, and some of them don't care as long as you're a good person. You should be happy with you, before you try to make a man happy, because no man will make you happy if you're miserable with yourself.0
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If you think you are unattractive men will too. Show confidence and OWN your curves0
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At the risk of sounding like a terrible monster, you have having issues with depression and finding the correct medicine --- it seems to me whether or not men find you attractive should be a very secondary concern to you getting those issues worked out.0
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SNAP OUT OF THIS ATTITUDE! You don't need to be a certain weight to be attractive. I mean, really? Beauty is surrounded by us all over the worlds in many different shapes and sizes. I'm 5'6 and weighed in today at 188.4lbs. I refuse to change my physical appearance for anyone besides myself. If the men don't like your appearance, do you really want to invest your time with them? You look great! Keep up the good work and remember you're beautiful regardless you size, and there's plenty of men out there that aren't superficial. I eat what I want, when I want it. I refuse to let someone dictate how I live my life. :flowerforyou:0
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The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
^this. Self confidence goes a long way. Love yourself first before looking for love.
+1
You really have to love yourself before you can let anyone love you. It sucks. It's f-ing hard. Did i say it sucks? I was on dating sites for four years. FOUR years!!! I went on a date every weekend almost - it actually became a bit of a game...
Anyway, I really thought deep down if I could just find someone, someone I thought was hot, that would be funny and like, me that it would boost my confidence enough that I would start liking myself more. It took me four years, quitting my job, and moving out of the city to realize meh, I really wasn't "happy" no matter what I was projecting. So I went to the gym every day (I was unemployed, it was awesome) and yup - I lost over 20 pounds. I eventually did meet someone I liked via online but it wasn't because I was 20 pounds lighter - it was because I wasn't just projecting myself as happy - I WAS HAPPY.
I actually gained 30 pounds in the almost three years we've been together - he tells me Im beautiful everyday but since I've gained weight, it's effecting the way I feel, which i know affects him, so I'm doing my best to get back down to my "happy weight".
Anyway - work on fixing things about yourself that make you feel not so happy, as you do this, i think you will find things will fall in to place :-)0 -
A couple things jump out at me. I think that you have too much of yout self-worth tied up in your appearance. Surely there are better things about you that you can use to define yourself.
You're using an old pic as your avatar. You probably tell yourself this is for motivation, but it isn't. That is the person you think you are inside and you're hiding from the beautiful person you currently are. You need to learn to love yourself.
She doesn't like the way she looks though. I also do not like the way I look. A lot of people do not like the way they look. Especially beach season right now. It is very hard to love yourself when you cannot stand to look at yourself in the mirror.
Wanting to improve your appearance doesn't mean you cannot love yourself.0 -
At the risk of sounding like a terrible monster, you have having issues with depression and finding the correct medicine --- it seems to me whether or not men find you attractive should be a very secondary concern to you getting those issues worked out.
Totally this - FIRST! ... you need to feel better for yourself and then you will automatically be more comfortable & confident around others - also as other posters have suggested find what interests you and join a club or group centered on that. Outdoors club, SPCA, gamers group (lol), whatever... and you will have something in common to discuss and work together on with both men & women. Seriously - friends first may become lovers later. Wishing you the best!0 -
First, you cannot find your own happiness through a relationship with another person. Before you can be happy with someone, you need to be happy WITH yourself. My mother taught me that and it was 1000% true. Yes, 1,000%. If you present yourself as happy, but you really are not, others do see that and that will lead to disappointment.
You should not be striving to be a certain weight, a certain look, a certain attitude for anyone other than for yourself. THIS is what confidence is. I met my now husband when I was almost at my goal weight, and now 5 years later I'm creeping back to where I started my journey. He doesn't see it in my physical, but he sees it in my confidence. He wants that back. I am working to get that back. For me. I am not working to change my weight for society's benefit, but for mine.
Get happy with who you are now, who you are working to be, and then you will meet someone. IF it is meant to be. Being single isn't awful but being with another person for the sake of not being alone, IS awful. Trust me.0 -
I didn't say anything of the sort. Plenty of guys like bigger ladies. Most however, don't. As I clearly said in the post, its entirely possible she'll happen across someone who meets her expectations, and is fine with her weight.
You should try reading it again, only without projecting your own baggage onto it.
Not sure I would personally feel confident in making this statement. It requires you to quantify "bigger" first off - which could be subjective depending on the person. Then you have to draw a conclusion about "most men" which I can't imagine being possible - outside of observations from your own social circle which I doubt is a large enough sample size.
And I don't think Steff sharing her opinion, is necessarily "baggage". Just a different outlook IMO0
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