Curvy Dating

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  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    A couple things jump out at me. I think that you have too much of yout self-worth tied up in your appearance. Surely there are better things about you that you can use to define yourself.

    You're using an old pic as your avatar. You probably tell yourself this is for motivation, but it isn't. That is the person you think you are inside and you're hiding from the beautiful person you currently are. You need to learn to love yourself.

    She doesn't like the way she looks though. I also do not like the way I look. A lot of people do not like the way they look. Especially beach season right now. It is very hard to love yourself when you cannot stand to look at yourself in the mirror.
  • miss_jessiejane
    miss_jessiejane Posts: 2,820 Member
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    Dating is difficult no matter what you look like. All guys have different expectations about the women they date, some men prefer slender women, some want them bigger, some want them in shape, and some of them don't care as long as you're a good person. You should be happy with you, before you try to make a man happy, because no man will make you happy if you're miserable with yourself.
  • dj59lane
    dj59lane Posts: 52 Member
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    If you think you are unattractive men will too. Show confidence and OWN your curves
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    At the risk of sounding like a terrible monster, you have having issues with depression and finding the correct medicine --- it seems to me whether or not men find you attractive should be a very secondary concern to you getting those issues worked out.
  • FraggleRockerFitnessLover
    FraggleRockerFitnessLover Posts: 307
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    SNAP OUT OF THIS ATTITUDE! You don't need to be a certain weight to be attractive. I mean, really? Beauty is surrounded by us all over the worlds in many different shapes and sizes. I'm 5'6 and weighed in today at 188.4lbs. I refuse to change my physical appearance for anyone besides myself. If the men don't like your appearance, do you really want to invest your time with them? You look great! Keep up the good work and remember you're beautiful regardless you size, and there's plenty of men out there that aren't superficial. I eat what I want, when I want it. I refuse to let someone dictate how I live my life. :flowerforyou:
  • MissMissle
    MissMissle Posts: 293 Member
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    The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........


    ^this. Self confidence goes a long way. Love yourself first before looking for love.

    +1

    You really have to love yourself before you can let anyone love you. It sucks. It's f-ing hard. Did i say it sucks? I was on dating sites for four years. FOUR years!!! I went on a date every weekend almost - it actually became a bit of a game...

    Anyway, I really thought deep down if I could just find someone, someone I thought was hot, that would be funny and like, me that it would boost my confidence enough that I would start liking myself more. It took me four years, quitting my job, and moving out of the city to realize meh, I really wasn't "happy" no matter what I was projecting. So I went to the gym every day (I was unemployed, it was awesome) and yup - I lost over 20 pounds. I eventually did meet someone I liked via online but it wasn't because I was 20 pounds lighter - it was because I wasn't just projecting myself as happy - I WAS HAPPY.

    I actually gained 30 pounds in the almost three years we've been together - he tells me Im beautiful everyday but since I've gained weight, it's effecting the way I feel, which i know affects him, so I'm doing my best to get back down to my "happy weight".

    Anyway - work on fixing things about yourself that make you feel not so happy, as you do this, i think you will find things will fall in to place :-)
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    A couple things jump out at me. I think that you have too much of yout self-worth tied up in your appearance. Surely there are better things about you that you can use to define yourself.

    You're using an old pic as your avatar. You probably tell yourself this is for motivation, but it isn't. That is the person you think you are inside and you're hiding from the beautiful person you currently are. You need to learn to love yourself.

    She doesn't like the way she looks though. I also do not like the way I look. A lot of people do not like the way they look. Especially beach season right now. It is very hard to love yourself when you cannot stand to look at yourself in the mirror.

    Wanting to improve your appearance doesn't mean you cannot love yourself.
  • canadjineh
    canadjineh Posts: 5,396 Member
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    At the risk of sounding like a terrible monster, you have having issues with depression and finding the correct medicine --- it seems to me whether or not men find you attractive should be a very secondary concern to you getting those issues worked out.

    Totally this - FIRST! ... you need to feel better for yourself and then you will automatically be more comfortable & confident around others - also as other posters have suggested find what interests you and join a club or group centered on that. Outdoors club, SPCA, gamers group (lol), whatever... and you will have something in common to discuss and work together on with both men & women. Seriously - friends first may become lovers later. Wishing you the best!
  • frankiep73
    frankiep73 Posts: 40 Member
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    First, you cannot find your own happiness through a relationship with another person. Before you can be happy with someone, you need to be happy WITH yourself. My mother taught me that and it was 1000% true. Yes, 1,000%. If you present yourself as happy, but you really are not, others do see that and that will lead to disappointment.

    You should not be striving to be a certain weight, a certain look, a certain attitude for anyone other than for yourself. THIS is what confidence is. I met my now husband when I was almost at my goal weight, and now 5 years later I'm creeping back to where I started my journey. He doesn't see it in my physical, but he sees it in my confidence. He wants that back. I am working to get that back. For me. I am not working to change my weight for society's benefit, but for mine.

    Get happy with who you are now, who you are working to be, and then you will meet someone. IF it is meant to be. Being single isn't awful but being with another person for the sake of not being alone, IS awful. Trust me.
  • tedrickp
    tedrickp Posts: 1,229 Member
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    I didn't say anything of the sort. Plenty of guys like bigger ladies. Most however, don't. As I clearly said in the post, its entirely possible she'll happen across someone who meets her expectations, and is fine with her weight.

    You should try reading it again, only without projecting your own baggage onto it.

    Not sure I would personally feel confident in making this statement. It requires you to quantify "bigger" first off - which could be subjective depending on the person. Then you have to draw a conclusion about "most men" which I can't imagine being possible - outside of observations from your own social circle which I doubt is a large enough sample size.

    And I don't think Steff sharing her opinion, is necessarily "baggage". Just a different outlook IMO
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
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    OP - talk to a therapist if you aren't already. Depression is a serious illness that requires medication, but medication by itself is not always the most effective means of treatment. A good therapist can teach you strategies to deal with symptoms, talk with you about your experiences and help you understand them in different ways, and might help you to start feeling better.

    As for all of the well-intentioned advice about being 'confident' and 'accepting' of oneself - again, depression is an illness that makes these concepts impractical. Without treating the illness itself (therapy and medication are generally accepted as good treatments), there's really no moving forward.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    OP - talk to a therapist if you aren't already. Depression is a serious illness that requires medication, but medication by itself is not always the most effective means of treatment. A good therapist can teach you strategies to deal with symptoms, talk with you about your experiences and help you understand them in different ways, and might help you to start feeling better.

    As for all of the well-intentioned advice about being 'confident' and 'accepting' of oneself - again, depression is an illness that makes these concepts impractical. Without treating the illness itself (therapy and medication are generally accepted as good treatments), there's really no moving forward.

    Thank you writing that. I am quoting it because it's important.
  • jasonmh630
    jasonmh630 Posts: 2,850 Member
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    I would like to add that this situation happens on both sides of the fence. Men get rejected due to their weight just as much, in my opinion and personal experience. I have a thick skin, so it doesn't bother me as much as it may some... but I realize if someone is going to dismiss me simply because I'm a chubby guy, then they aren't worth my time in the first place and they will end up lonely and miserable eventually.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    dumb question..... I am not a guy, obviously, but are your pictures misleading? I'm not saying they can't be attracted to you as you are, but if you are using pics like your MFP profile pic, then showing up as you, that could be misleading, no? I would be upset if a guy used an old picture and showed up as someone else. I prefer honesty and would not reject him because of his weight, but because we started off as a lie... just a thought.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    A couple things jump out at me. I think that you have too much of yout self-worth tied up in your appearance. Surely there are better things about you that you can use to define yourself.

    You're using an old pic as your avatar. You probably tell yourself this is for motivation, but it isn't. That is the person you think you are inside and you're hiding from the beautiful person you currently are. You need to learn to love yourself.

    She doesn't like the way she looks though. I also do not like the way I look. A lot of people do not like the way they look. Especially beach season right now. It is very hard to love yourself when you cannot stand to look at yourself in the mirror.

    Wanting to improve your appearance doesn't mean you cannot love yourself.

    True but it definitely helps.
  • Llamapants86
    Llamapants86 Posts: 1,221 Member
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    Online dating sucked. I tried it for YEARS, both quite overweight (220lbs) and at a healthy weight (155 lbs). I found I got more first contacts when I was lighter, but it just meant I had to go on more awkward first dates that fizzled out. It takes a lot of work to find a person that fits you, but it can happen.

    Oddly enough it was when I got off the internet, started paying attention to me, that I found my husband at a work related training session.
  • starseed777
    starseed777 Posts: 221 Member
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    Hello Beautyforashes, I want to encourage you that beauty comes in different shapes and sizes. A plus size woman doesn't neccessarily have to settle for dregs, or feel less than. We are more than a given size, shape or weight. With age, you come to appreciate that while looks play a part in attraction, what sustains a marriage/relationship are qualities that are far more important. Confidence, a good sense of humour, intelligence, and warmth are irresistible. Loyalty, a sense of duty, kindness and integrity are hot qualities. And, yes there are decent, kind, and handsome men who find curvy women attractive. I married one!
  • slimjenny21
    slimjenny21 Posts: 78 Member
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    I'm not going to lie, it's difficult for me to discern whether guys like me more when I'm skinny because of how I look or whether it's because I radiate confidence (because of the fact that I'm smaller). As some others say though, I feel as though I get more attention from men when I am smaller.
    But yes, in the end, it's all about what draws men towards you, with personality being one of the strongest components. But everybody's different in liking who they like!
    Just be you and that's beautiful!
  • Cycle4Life99
    Cycle4Life99 Posts: 86
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    My girlfriend is curvy AND she is beautiful. It's her intelligence, poise, and independence that make me hopelessly in love with her. M She has lost 25 pounds and wants to lose another 20 or so to be back at her high school weight. She'll never be a stick figure but she doesn't have to be. My advice to you is find a man that'll love you for who you are. We do still exist out there ;-)

    As you progress on your journey, and your wins start to stack up, you'll begin radiating confidence again. Confidence does make someone attractive. I'm certainly not cover of People Magazine material but my journey has made me feel fantastic. I started my journey at 362 pounds, got down to 246, got injured and crept up to 290. Now, I'm healthy enough to exercise and hit it hard.

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