Need advice from parents (none weight loss related)
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tracya04
Posts: 15
Sorry if this is in the wrong section!
My daughter, like most teens, talks to friends etc online. She is also an xbox gamer (like her Mum
) and recently started talking to a boy in London.
They have been spending a lot of time talking to each other whilst playing a game and then added each other on Facebook. It all appeared very innocent, but as my daughter is a young teen I like to keep an eye on her and she only has Facebook if I hae her password!
Being nosey I had a look at this boys profile. His profile says date of birth is 1991! Now I know that many teens lie about their date of birth on Facebook if they join before they are 13 but he joined in January this year. I've looked at the school he says he goes to and it is a secondary school (he's told her he's 15) and he has friends from the same school. I checked out his friends and their profiles say they were born between 1991 and 1995. So the alarm bells are now ringing.
I looked at his girlfriends profile and she has posted 'college'. Now the school he goes to I discover has a sixth form attached.
I continue snooping ( some won't agree with me doing this I know) and go on her phone. She also has this boy on blackberry messenger. He has been sending her messages saying that he is a drug dealer but 'a nice one'! And is always telling her that he is upset or crying about different things, he hates his sister, his Nan etc.
I know from working with teens that they like to say things to big themselves up and as we don't live near London there isn't much chance of them ever bumping into each other, thankfully. He doesn't look in his 20's in all his photos and neither do his friends.
I am very worried and concerned, I don't like this and something just feels wrong. I want to stop her talking to him completely but she is a child with very few friends, has been bullied at school and seems to struggle socially as she really doesn't get on with girls very well, she isn't a girly girl.
How do I go about this? If I ban her from everything she is going to be pretty isolated and will prevent her talking to her half siblings as she doesn't get to see them, just talk and video chat online. There would also be nothing stopping her from re-adding him once she got the stuff back.
I could just ask her to remove him, but without having constant access to her phone etc how can I be sure she isn't still talking to him?
Please don't get me wrong, she isn't babysitted by electronics, we spend a lot of time together playing, going on walks etc. She prefers to be out playing that glued to a computer but it gives her something to do when it's raining.
How would you as a parent go about this?
My daughter, like most teens, talks to friends etc online. She is also an xbox gamer (like her Mum
) and recently started talking to a boy in London.They have been spending a lot of time talking to each other whilst playing a game and then added each other on Facebook. It all appeared very innocent, but as my daughter is a young teen I like to keep an eye on her and she only has Facebook if I hae her password!
Being nosey I had a look at this boys profile. His profile says date of birth is 1991! Now I know that many teens lie about their date of birth on Facebook if they join before they are 13 but he joined in January this year. I've looked at the school he says he goes to and it is a secondary school (he's told her he's 15) and he has friends from the same school. I checked out his friends and their profiles say they were born between 1991 and 1995. So the alarm bells are now ringing.
I looked at his girlfriends profile and she has posted 'college'. Now the school he goes to I discover has a sixth form attached.
I continue snooping ( some won't agree with me doing this I know) and go on her phone. She also has this boy on blackberry messenger. He has been sending her messages saying that he is a drug dealer but 'a nice one'! And is always telling her that he is upset or crying about different things, he hates his sister, his Nan etc.
I know from working with teens that they like to say things to big themselves up and as we don't live near London there isn't much chance of them ever bumping into each other, thankfully. He doesn't look in his 20's in all his photos and neither do his friends.
I am very worried and concerned, I don't like this and something just feels wrong. I want to stop her talking to him completely but she is a child with very few friends, has been bullied at school and seems to struggle socially as she really doesn't get on with girls very well, she isn't a girly girl.
How do I go about this? If I ban her from everything she is going to be pretty isolated and will prevent her talking to her half siblings as she doesn't get to see them, just talk and video chat online. There would also be nothing stopping her from re-adding him once she got the stuff back.
I could just ask her to remove him, but without having constant access to her phone etc how can I be sure she isn't still talking to him?
Please don't get me wrong, she isn't babysitted by electronics, we spend a lot of time together playing, going on walks etc. She prefers to be out playing that glued to a computer but it gives her something to do when it's raining.
How would you as a parent go about this?
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Replies
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Touchy. My daughter is 15 and is currently smitten with an 18-year-old boy who lives by her cousin an hour away. I don't like it, and have been having LOTS of heart-to-heart chats with her. I'm reluctant to forbid it in case it makes the attraction sweeter.
However, this guy that might be older than a teen based on his profile... You have every right to investigate and even demand proof that he's a teen, not an adult. If no proof, the tie needs to be cut.0 -
WOW!!!! You are a good mom!
I have raised 2 girls and one boy. I snooped in everything. I called them out on stuff. OMG i should say we. haha but it was mostly me. My wife was prett passive.
Anyhow, my oldest daughter made it thought, she works a corporate job, and goes to school, and just got her first home. She was over last weekend, with her new boyfriend, and told him what a great dad i was.
My son who is now a Marine has told me how good it was to know he actually had parents and not friends.
My Youngest-- well, she is 16!!! there ya go!
You are a concerned parent, you had taken time out of your day to research her "goins on's" and now you have vital information.
If you DO NOT tell her all you know, and how it makes you feel, the concerns you have, and all that- then you will be fake! No getting around it. You already know, it's too late. Imagine if something happens and you just kept this in. Not good......
No ***** footing around, just talk to her. Be cool, be loving, and tell her your concerns and ask her how she would react if the roles were reveresed.
I'm betting you will be presently suprised and have a better relationship going forward.
oh- and for the "you invaded my privacy" - well, yeah honey = I LOVE YOU!!! of course I follow your steps and look out for you = I AM YOUR MOM, and I LOVE YOU.
good luck to you0 -
P.S. this may be a dad talk, if that is possible. Girls will understand Dad being protective a bit more maybe. But, don't double team her. That has always backfired on us. They feel teamed up on.
ok, I will stop now.0 -
He is a 23 year old drug dealer. It's time to put your foot down!
Let her know all you learned and tell her its your primary job to keep her safe and tell her he is out of her life.
He is the predator parents and children are warned about!
I raised 3 children and granted there was no internet socializing at that time but I followed up on my every instinct and made my expectations very clear. I was not their friend but their mother.
Please do what you know you must! Teenagerhood is a perilous journey.0 -
First of all you are a wonderful mother who is involved in the safety and well-being of her Children. I don't call it snooping; I call it protecting our own. There are many sick bast--ds out there that pray on young girls and boys and our job as parents are to protect our children from them at any cost. Now with that said, I used to monitor my daughters face book and cell phone also when she was growing up too. What I think you need to do, is you need to become a detective and find out this boy's true age, and if he really is a drug dealer. You also need to have a clam heart to heart talk with your daughter and I mean CLAM, you can't yell and scream, you need to stay as clam as possible. I need to tell her that a drug dealer is NOT a nice person at all in fact he is a criminal, dealing drugs is against the law and he needs to be in jail and one day he will be. Second you need to let her know that you think he is in his 20's. You need to let her know that is not the type of person that her, as a nice sweet young lady, should be talking to, and that she needs sever all contact with him. You to let her know that you Love her beyond life itself and you are only saying these things to her because you want to keep her safe. She needs to know that you TRUST her 100% and that you will always be there for her not matter what. I wish you all the luck in the world with this because you are in a truly difficult situation. Please keep me posted, you and your daughter are in my prayers.0
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Id make her drop him like 3rd period French.. Hes a drug dealer nuff said..0
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I definitely second the calm, up-front talk. She's young, yes, but probably mature enough to understand that you're coming at this from a place of love and concern. Explain that you had a look at his profiles and he has been lying to her. Nice people do not lie. Nice people do not deal drugs. I think a big point that will help you get through to her (if she resists) is that he has been lying to her about his age, and why would he do that? I know he says he is in another country, but if he has lied about one thing, its not much of a stretch to believe he could have lied about other things as well.
Good luck!0 -
I definitely second the calm, up-front talk. She's young, yes, but probably mature enough to understand that you're coming at this from a place of love and concern. Explain that you had a look at his profiles and he has been lying to her. Nice people do not lie. Nice people do not deal drugs. I think a big point that will help you get through to her (if she resists) is that he has been lying to her about his age, and why would he do that? I know he says he is in another country, but if he has lied about one thing, its not much of a stretch to believe he could have lied about other things as well.
Good luck!
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Excellent point about him claiming he lives in London, who's to say that is true too. You honestly need to talk to your daughter today, now!! This boy/man whatever, whoever needs to be out of her life0 -
I don't have girls, two boys. When the oldest was a Senior in High School some little freshman was messaging him all the time. It actually was not innocent at all. I did talk with my son about it as I didn't want to see him get into any trouble (he was actually interested in another girl only a year younger). It got so bad that I ended up calling the girl's parents and reading to them her messages. I was really concerned that if she was going to get into trouble and they seemed like a nice family. After talking with me they actually wanted my son to date her, not an option. Fortunately for me, I have always had a good relationship with my son and we have always been able to talk through things.
I echo the other concerns that nice people do not deal drugs. I have a friend who has a currently 17 yo son, who has been extremely confused for the past few years. Last year he ran away after a huge fight with his mom. I tracked him down through his computer and we found him. But the girls (they were over 20) who he hate met through online gaming and whom lived in Canada had convinced him it would be good to run off to Canada and live with them. I found him because he had saved his passwords on his mom's laptop, broke into his dad's. took his laptop and broke into a community center to use their wifi and logged on to talk to them. I happened to be logged on at the time and saw the whole thing. Do not underestimate the ability of predators to lure teens.0 -
Thank you for all the replies, they were very helpful.
I decided to sit my daughter down and explain all of my concerns to her, a big one was that he only had 4 photos on his Facebook, which I thought was strange. She was upset but seemed to understand and promptly messaged him, firing everything at him and calling him a liar (I wasn't expecting that).
However, it did help. He messaged her back with a huge apology saying that yes he had lied about the drugs thing, he said it so that people would be too scared to threaten him etc. He doesn't appear to have money like you would expect, his clothes in his photos aren't brand named, he doesn't have a latest phone and when the screen broke he was asking on Facebook for a second hand one. He was adamant that the photos were of him but he didn't like posting photos because he isn't happy with himself ( he isn't the greatest looking teen and rather scrawny). He then sent her a photo of himself holding a piece of paper with her name on it to prove he was who he said he was.
He said his family were on his Facebook but his siblings have a different name to him (hence why I couldn't find them). I have looked through more of his school friends and some mention tests and exams looming, which could be right for a year 10, I know ours are.
He's told her that he doesn't spend a lot of time with his friends because since his Nan died his Grandad hasn't been well so he spends time there looking after him. I checked out where he was sending messages from, Facebook tracks their location and says 'message sent from....'. when he said he was at home Facebook said he was in one area of London, then when he got to his Grandads house later on Facebook stated a different area of London.
He has told her he understands and not to worry about it if she isn't allowed to talk to him, he was going to get his sister to ring me but my daughter, wisely, wouldn't give him a number.
I'm happier than I was about the whole thing, at least I know the photos are of him, but still not 100 % and still wary.
My daughter and I have had a good chat and we have decided that we sit and talk about any other people she may wish to add and we will look through things together before deciding and she seems happy with that. She has told him that I have access to all messages he sends and will read everything and understands that should she go behind my back she will lose all communication devices! She has asked if she can meet up with him if they are still talking in a year or so but could I go with her because she'd be too scared to go on her own, I agreed but secretly hope they get bored before then!
I just hope I've done the right thing...........................time will tell and he knows Mum is watching his every move!0 -
Ok, if this was my daughter (and I have 2 ages 17 and 22) I would have discussed it with her but I would have insisted he was blocked and removed from facebook and the phone. The end. I would also explain to your daughter that she only adds people she knows to her phone and computer and further would work with your daughter and school to encourage new friendships offline. You are perfectly within your rights to say even after days, "Ive had a rethink and i think its better if we outright ban so and so" end of the day you know nothing genuine about this stranger, its not worth the risks.
Networking could involve inviting her friends over, making sure she has the finances to meet up for coffees and walks around the shops and to give you an example of the steps I took with my eldest who went through the whole unpopular no friends stage when she was about 15, .....we literally drew up a chart of every girl in her school, phone number, facebook details if possible and my daughter approached girls outside of school via facebook or text message and asked them to hang out for the day and do something ( I offered to pay)
This was very successful as the pack mentality of school was gone and if she was turned down it wasnt so bad as it would have been in front of a crowd at school and finally most girls are greedy enough to say yes to treats even if theyre not over keen on the buddy in question.
We drew up a list of about 20/30 girls for a reason, the plan was so my daughter had a diffferent friend to go out with every weekend and also by only asking to go out with each girl once every few months they usually said yes, whereas if my daughter had been bugging them every weekend they probably would have said no to becoming best buddies with an unpopular girl.
But what actually happened was 4 things over the years.... firstly my daughter had something to do all the time, lots of variety and lots of new faces, secondly these other girls got to know my daughter gradually and the knock on effect was more smiles and lunchtime dates at school, thirdly as the other girls grew older and more mature they started to become true friends with my daughter after hanging out over several years sporadically and finally my daughter ended up with an enormous friend group and heaps of confidence.
It got to the stage by the time she was about 18 other peopel used to comment on how popular she was and how insane it was over how many friends she had, she literally become an extremely good networker and reader of body language and has moved into a field of work after university which needs people very socially adept and good communicators.
You would never have believed it if you had known her at 14, but I dont think its ever a good idea to let teenagers spend too much time online which is escapism, It just encourages social isolation, think I would let her have the internet and phones but for short period only. After dinner and schoolwork try and get her to get into the habit of sitting and chatting with you for half an hour a night or rather you sit and listen then the internet,
it really worked for us, hope this helps
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Get her to be too busy for the boy and have her join a club.
-- accidentally "Loose" her phone.
-- Find her groups.. an Xbox group, a church group, etc..
-- Encourage her to get a job. fast food, or something..0 -
I would reiterate to her that people can be anything they want to be online. He may be all of those things or he's a 13 year old punk playing the role. You never know. I would keep tabs on her like you have been but understand that if you cut off this one's head, two will grow back in its place.0
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I think you are a fantastic mum! You must be so proud of your daughter for handling this the way she has. Being honest was the best policy all round.
Really happy that it worked out ok for you 0 -
I think you did great! I bet she will not be demanding to see him in a year's time.0
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If you don't live nearby I wouldn't worry about it too much. I remember talking to someone online (when the internet first came about), who was much older than me. We chatted online a lot, eventually it became boring and that was the end of it. If you confront your daughter, she is more likely to start deleting conversations, which means you then have no idea what it being said. I would just carry on snooping on the sly and if at any point it looks like she intends to meet him or he starts being inappropriate, then I would say a messge appeared on the screen and you saw it and you're worried.0
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This isn't even a close call. I'm sorry, but this guy has no business talking to your daughter. He's preying on her vulnerability (as drug dealers and child predators are apt to do). If any of the discussion has become sexually suggestive or he has provided details of his dealing activities, then I would turn it all over to the police.
ETA: The above was in reaction to your first post, but I just read your second post. Okay, good going, mom! I think you did the right thing.0 -
I did the same thing when my son was that age...
I tracked his msn chats (he didn't know they were being recorded), I paid his cell phone bill so I got to look at it whenever I wanted or he didn't have a cell phone...
I read his FB mail etc.
I am his mother...not his buddeh...end of discussion...
And all my monitoring actually saved his butt....in middle school...
Some girls thought they would get together and accuse of him of all manner of awful things...and told him on MSN chat they were gonna do it...just to get in trouble..
The did exactly what they said...I got the call...I was livid..printed out the MSN chat logs took it to the school for the administration to see and the cops (Yah cops were called) needless to say a few little girls were in trouble....
Problem was their parents had no idea...no idea you could record msn chats...all of them...etc.
Keep being the mom...not the friend...they already have enough friends.0 -
I did the same thing when my son was that age...
I tracked his msn chats (he didn't know they were being recorded), I paid his cell phone bill so I got to look at it whenever I wanted or he didn't have a cell phone...
I read his FB mail etc.
I am his mother...not his buddeh...end of discussion...
And all my monitoring actually saved his butt....in middle school...
Some girls thought they would get together and accuse of him of all manner of awful things...and told him on MSN chat they were gonna do it...just to get in trouble..
The did exactly what they said...I got the call...I was livid..printed out the MSN chat logs took it to the school for the administration to see and the cops (Yah cops were called) needless to say a few little girls were in trouble....
Problem was their parents had no idea...no idea you could record msn chats...all of them...etc.
Keep being the mom...not the friend...they already have enough friends.
Awesome, proactive, mom! :drinker:0 -
I did the same thing when my son was that age...
I tracked his msn chats (he didn't know they were being recorded), I paid his cell phone bill so I got to look at it whenever I wanted or he didn't have a cell phone...
I read his FB mail etc.
I am his mother...not his buddeh...end of discussion...
And all my monitoring actually saved his butt....in middle school...
Some girls thought they would get together and accuse of him of all manner of awful things...and told him on MSN chat they were gonna do it...just to get in trouble..
The did exactly what they said...I got the call...I was livid..printed out the MSN chat logs took it to the school for the administration to see and the cops (Yah cops were called) needless to say a few little girls were in trouble....
Problem was their parents had no idea...no idea you could record msn chats...all of them...etc.
Keep being the mom...not the friend...they already have enough friends.
Awesome, proactive, mom! :drinker:
+1 And thanks mom for giving me a heads up. My son is about to start middle school and I fear this! It's one of the main reasons I haven't given him a phone yet and computers are limited.0
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