How do you deal with unsupportive significant other?

Wiltord1982

How do you remain motivated when your significant other is constantly pulling you backward?

Here's some background info about myself. Last August, I decided I was sickof being overweight, wanted to be better at soccer and wanted a body that reflects my mind. That's when I started to use MFP to track calories and started running consistently (4-5 times per week), while lifting three times per week. Through that phase, my significant other was more neutral than negative, other than the occasional comments about me being obsessed (usually because I refused to drink wine or have a dessert).

So, I ended up losing 25 lbs in 5 month, which placed me in the "healthy" BMI. I decided it was time for some muscle mass-gain phase. So, from January to March, I ate a surplus and lifted 5 times per week with some cardio on the elliptical. I ended up gaining 15 lbs (I know, not all muscle). Again, my significant other was neutral, other than those comments.

So, since April, I've been cutting. I lost almost 10 lbs, I'm about to see my 6-pack and I love what I'm doing with my body. I'm super motivated, just like I've been since I started my journey. But the negative comments from my SO became much more frequent. I now have "the" discussion every second day, about how I don't have to do as much, about how I will not reach my goals (yep, in those words), about how I'm perfect the way I am. It sometimes gets pretty heated.

I tried just ignoring it, but I mean, she's constantly right there in front of my face. For more context, my SO has a healthy weight, but she does no sports/exercise at all. Before I started my journey, she sometimes passed comments about me being overweight and me not eating properly.

Anybody ever experienced something similar? How did you deal with it?

madhatter2013

Negativity is toxic. You need to detox.

Ftw37

Reminds me of the zen koan:

If a man does something in a forest, and no woman is there to observe him, is he still wrong?

DeltaZero

Just break up.



Or learn to talk in a manner that isn't heated. Find a counselor.


Or just come ask the internet for advice. That usually works here.

tracya04

My partner isn't negative as such but he will tut if I decline a food because I don't have enough calories for it. He often tells me i'm fine the way I am etc etc.

Have you ever thought that the new improved you may be leaving her a little insecure? The better you look the more female attention you may gain...just a thought.

I would sit down and have it out with her though, be honest with her about how her comments make you feel, you never know she may also admit to what causes her to make the comments.

Good luck

Muddy_Yogi

Honestly....if you are going to do it....you just do it. The SO doesn't have anything to do with it. This is all you regardless of what you think THEY are doing to sabotage it. Ultmately that is on you, not them.

Willbenchforcupcakes

I made the realization that I do this for myself and for my girls. No one else. I've been dealing with a soon to be ex husband that has turned every single training session into a guilt trip (even though most of them happen when they have zero impact on anyone else). Who hates the fact the our girls want to be strong like me. I just came to the realization that being happy in my body is more important than making anyone else happy

ew_david

She enjoyed being the nonoverweight part of the relationship. Now she sees you as a threat and is trying to cut you down.

Good luck with that.

sassyjae21

Oh noez!

That stinks. If you want it, go for it. It's your body. She sounds a little insecure.

oregonzoo

Your SO's "support" is not needed for you to reach your goals. Do what you want.
I find if you don't talk about something, nor do others.

MinnieInMaine

Talking to her about it is the only way it's going to get resolved. Let her know that getting fit and healthy is important to you and you're really happy about your progress and it bothers you that she can't be happy for you and support you with it. Hell, maybe this is petty but I'd even bring up that she used to complain about you being heavy and you were just trying to please her.

I suspect there's more to it than just your looks...maybe she's got some issue of her own and is projecting to feel better about herself. Either way, something's got to give. No one deserves to be talked to like that.

P.S. Go Habs!

tryett

I divorced him,dropped about 250 pounds and it felt good. Not that I am suggesting something that drastic for you. She obviously has a problem and is perhaps insecure with your working toward improving your appearance.

Amberonamission

Sound like she just doesn't like what you do either way. That stinks. I have no advice or success in changing anyone. My best decisions always happened when I was just doing me, and finding others who understood what I was doing and why.

ValGogo

I'm sure you've done this but have you asked her "Honey, It seems to ME that this is bothering you. Do you want to tell me why? I got healthier, but now I have to stay healthy and maintenance is the only way." Or some such garbage like that.



Honestly, dude, what I really see is that if this is happening every other day, this chick has serious control issues with you and she has the problem, not you.

As a woman I have zero tolerance for the head games and manipulation that other women try to play on their men.

No one can tell you to break up but it seems like she's really trying to nag you to that point. And then, guess what, it will be "your fault" when the break up happens. More mind games to post on Facebook.

Good luck. I hope she comes around.

PinkyFett

I don't allow ANYONE to pull me backwards. Not this time. I have learned I can say "no" to a cookie or extra food, also fast food. Saves money too.

I think we need to stop blaming others for our failures or falling off the wagon.

mlanders22

I made the realization that I do this for myself and for my girls. No one else. I've been dealing with a soon to be ex husband that has turned every single training session into a guilt trip (even though most of them happen when they have zero impact on anyone else). Who hates the fact the our girls want to be strong like me. I just came to the realization that being happy in my body is more important than making anyone else happy

This same kind of thing happened to me with my now ex-husband. Eventually every gym trip involved a "I can't believe you're choosing the gym over me" guit trip.
My advice would be to definitely talk about it with her. Ask how she feels about the changes you've made. Mention the fact that you're making improvements to your body for you and no one else. Hopefully you can resolve the issue.
Don't stop doing what you're doing and keep working at your goals.

Blacklance36

Reminds me of the zen koan:

If a man does something in a forest, and no woman is there to observe him, is he still wrong?

One more

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him..... how does he know he is wrong?

allaboutthecake

Had that issue years ago. A counselor told him, "Exercise must continue on a regular basis to have a healthy body and healthy mind." Actually the professional told him several times on more than one occasion. He still didn't get it. Some people, just "don't get it".

lisa77marie

It sounds like she's insecure because you are starting to look really good, that may be a threat to her losing you. Maybe you need to have that discussion with her, that she is your one and only, just because you look good doesn't mean you're dumping her. However, if she is the type that is super insecure and won't let it go, you really need to decide if this relationship is working for you. There may be more underlying issues there.

Also, just to add - you need to put yourself first. If you're not healthy and happy, that affects your entire life. There is nothing wrong with being selfish about your health - this is a good selfish and the guilt trips need to stop.

Beckilovespizza

My boyfriend is the loveliest person in the world but he can be pretty un-supportive regarding health and weight loss. He tells me i'm too thin, he used to call me 'Squidge' as my pet name but now calls me 'Bones'. I am a healthy weight and have a healthy BMI and am trying to maintain it. I also do the 6:1 (a maintenance version of the 5:2 diet) and my boyfriend keeps buying yummies such as Reece's Nutrageous and Pizza (both are my weakness).

I think i bore him about my health goals and he bores me about his job, we just agree not to discuss either. At the end of the day if i wanna go to the gym and he wants to go to the pub we will go on the same day so we still have other time to spend together. I have also started to encourage his healthy eating (he is in good shape naturally) and we both have bikes so enjoy going out on rides together. Maybe try to find a mutual exercise u both enjoy such as cycling or skating and maybe cook some healthy foods together. This way it may turn into a mutual hobby.

I think its important for us to remember that we can sometimes be an 'exercise/health bore' to those around who do not share the same interests. All we can do is compromise...