Fiancee's Support

jerryortega5623

Hello All,

This is my first post in these forums, but I truly need some help. I have been on this whole OptiFast thing through Kaiser, and it's actually working quite well!

My fiancee and I sat down before the program began, and went over the instructions, how she could help and all the things I could do to keep myself on track. At first, her support was great, and I really appreciated it. I promised to participate in family events even though I couldn't eat the food. I promised to stay on track with my water, exercise, and food. She promised that we would do something that I wanted to do once a week as a short term reward every time I stuck to my commitments. She was also stoked to lose weight with me, and really wanted to stop eating out.

Most of this stuff never happened. There was no small thing I wanted to do each week, she did not stop eating out, and we just recently had a fight. She told me that I looked too mopey when I was eating out with her family members, and that people would get too guilty eating around me. She told me that she didn't want me to spend time with them anymore while they were eating, and that I should just find something else to do. I then told her that she promised to support me in the ways that the program states in the binder, and she said she didn't care what the binder had to say, and then asked where her support was.

How can I approach this? I love her, and always support her. What did I do wrong? Can I change what I'm doing? I'm so stressed, and I just want to quit this dang diet because of how it's affecting those around me.

ValGogo

Wow, that gets me mad. At both of you. Her for being a meanie (the nicest word I could think of) and you for being a weenie (haha, I just thought that was funny. I don't mean anything bad by it.) The only thing I can see you are doing wrong is expecting her to support you.

What about YOU!? Aren't you important enough to be healthy and fit?

Look, I don't believe in that phrase "wearing the pants in the family" but when it comes to your own health, your happines, your fitness, you have to wear the pants in that respect.

You don't need anyone elses support, but you DO need your own support. So, let's say you are old and sick and need special diets and it gets in the way of your fiance/wifes/her familys comfort zone, will you just lay down and die? Yeah, that's a little to exaggerated, but seriously, what about you?

I see a lot of co-dependency and people pleasing in this relationship but that's another issue.

Do what you have to do because you need to do it. If other people aren't there cheering you on, just do it anyway. It has to get done and good or bad, happy or sad, you are the only one who can do it.

Please don't give up.

Derpes

Ditch the diet and start counting calories.

You can eat out, just log all of it. Nothing fancy, calories in/calories out.

StaciMarie1974

She sees your commitment to making changes, feels perhaps that she doesn't have the ability to do the same, and is insecure as a result. She may feel guilty thinking she should lose weight, and seeing you actually doing it is just a blatant reminder of what she's not doing. Or she may worry that as you get healthier, slimmer: that you'll no longer be interested in her.

I'm not saying her behavior is 'right' but its probably not rooted in bad intentions. Try talking to her. Try to figure out where she's coming from.

_HeartsOnFire_

Ditch the diet and start counting calories.

You can eat out, just log all of it. Nothing fancy, calories in/calories out.

This...and the reason I agree with this is because are you never going to eat any of those foods again in your lifetime? If not, then okay, but if you do plan on eating all the foodz again, you have to learn how to do so in moderation. Which means now. While you are losing weight. You can eat the foods you love AND lose weight.

There are no good/bad foods, only bad eating habits. You have to teach yourself how to eat in moderation. You also have to be able to enjoy and live your life while doing so.

StaciMarie1974

As an additional - you don't have to do everything together to be a couple.

If her family get-together is just about food, then it may be best to work to skip it. Not that you & her can change her family. Maybe suggest some activities that don't center around food though. Get together with family for a nature hike, play putt-putt golf, visit an amusement park or something.

I don't know the details of the program you're on - so won't try to speak as to whether or not you should continue it.

xHelloQuincyx

you need to make a healthy life style change not what ever you are doing. all things are okay in small quantities. it is all about calories in vs calories out. maybe you two should start taking a walk together. a 30 min walk a day would provide you with the same results as whatever you are doing now without depriving yourself of anything. your wife obviously is seeing that you are not yourself. this is not a diet that is sustainable and you wont do it forever.... personally I think you would solve a lot of relationship problems if you two just went shopping for organic produce at the farmers market, cooked together, and went for a short walk. it seems like complete nonsense to me to start ruining your relationship over a program that probably wont stick with you or provide lasting healthy results.

xHelloQuincyx

The only thing I can see you are doing wrong is expecting her to support you.

yes she is your partner, but most pain can be stopped when we stop making expectations and depending on others for our success or happiness. do it for you- your success or healthy attitude shouldn't depend on your partner. oh, and she has a life and wishes too, you cant be outraged if her wishes and plans do not coincide with yours. If she wants to go out with family let her, you stay home and work out. The reward you get each week should be for you, and done by you and planned by you. it is for your fitness goals. don't depend on her to follow through on your reward, reward yourself.

MyChocolateDiet

The opti-fast plan has a group. Bring this up at that group. Email the person who runs the group and tell them you are feeling like quitting because of this. This can't be the first time they've heard this kind of feedback so they likely have some ways of helping you cope.

I feel like you and GF made way too many promises and they were too iron clad.

I feel like you only getting to do something you want once a week was not enough.

I think you could reasonably say you want to go out to eat with her and her fam but only 70% of the time. You should feel no guilt or remorse for skipping some of those events while you go through this. I don't even think it would be a terrible idea to forgo all those things temporarily.

The opti-fast plan is dr. directed and supervised and for people who really need it. As such I don't think you should ditch it over an argument. Find an outlet for your feelings right now and email or call the place and see who you can talk to right now. I know they have people who want to quit all the time.

I saw people in there with stories of pants falling off at stores and I know it works. I think at the end of it they teach you how to live in real life with real life eating plans and how to be in restaurants and outings. I think they expect you to take your health as seriously as they do while in the program right now and I'm not sure they have a plan for how to handle going out to eat but I'd look into that now if possible.

Being mopey at a gathering where you can't eat is a lot harder to do if you 1) show up a little late, 2) cut out a little early 3) hit the bar first for a sparlking water with lime in a fun glass. and 4) don't look at the food. look everyone in the eye and treat it as "facetime" not mealtime. Hope this helps.:flowerforyou:

jerryortega5623

To clarify,

The program I am on is a fifteen week crash diet, in which your diet is restricted to the foods they give you (mostly shakes and granola bars), where you lose 70-80 pounds depending on exercise. In the next fifteen weeks, they transition you to healthy food so that you don't make yourself sick coming back. Then there is a 52 week period in the program where you continue to go over healthy habits, continue with weekly support groups, teach you how to cook healthy meals, plan your meals ahead of time, and facilitate behavioral change.

This diet is medically monitored by Kaiser, and includes weekly support group meetings for the rest of your life embedded in the initial cost.

This is not just some willy-nilly program.

Anywho, with that out of the way, thank you all for your suggestions, although many of you had very negative things to say about diet programs. Thank you!

MyChocolateDiet

As an additional - you don't have to do everything together to be a couple.

If her family get-together is just about food, then it may be best to work to skip it. Not that you & her can change her family. Maybe suggest some activities that don't center around food though. Get together with family for a nature hike, play putt-putt golf, visit an amusement park or something.

I don't know the details of the program you're on - so won't try to speak as to whether or not you should continue it.

I do it's dr. directed and only referred to by dr.'s when they feel their patients truly need to lose weight due to health conditions.

It's a pretty hardcore program for people with pretty hardcore health conditions.

Sabine_Stroehm

To clarify,

The program I am on is a fifteen week crash diet, in which your diet is restricted to the foods they give you (mostly shakes and granola bars), where you lose 70-80 pounds depending on exercise. In the next fifteen weeks, they transition you to healthy food so that you don't make yourself sick coming back. Then there is a 52 week period in the program where you continue to go over healthy habits, continue with weekly support groups, teach you how to cook healthy meals, plan your meals ahead of time, and facilitate behavioral change.

This diet is medically monitored by Kaiser, and includes weekly support group meetings for the rest of your life embedded in the initial cost.

This is not just some willy-nilly program.

Anywho, with that out of the way, thank you all for your suggestions, although many of you had very negative things to say about diet programs. Thank you!

Best of luck. Don't worry about the replies here. It's funny that folks act as though you've never considered calorie counting before.
Hope you and your fiancee can find a way to talk about these issues.

amelia325

My husband and I have both had the conversations many time about what we are "going to do" to lose weight together. And most of the time, it didn't happen. You can TALK about it all you want, and yes she should keep her word... it's one thing that she is trying to back out of the agreement but it is really messed up that she is DISCOURAGING you on top of that! You definitely need to keep up your end of the bargain though for yourself! I'm not sure about the diet you are on but when I go out to eat, I just eat a salad or something light. But I still can't believe she actually said she doesn't want you to go... I say fine, don't go.. go on a walk instead. You do what's best for you! She will see the progress you're making and the way you feel so much better! She will hopefully join you and if she continues destructive behavior, you can take that from there but I just hope you stick to doing what is healthy and that includes healthy relationships! I started making better decisions and now my husband is actually going on walks with me and helping plan healthy meals with me. Hopefully she will join with you for the betterment of your health and life together (which when you are married it is a joining of your lives to be one). She hopefully just needs you to be a good, positive influence. So keep on the right track!

One more thing - in response to calorie in/out comments... Logging calories is good and all BUT I do not agree that it is just that simple. Most overweight people have issues processing sugars and it can literally damage organs due to insulin resistance and can also cause your body to store fat. So I just wanted to put that out there because that is my personal struggle. I can count calories all day long but if I'm eating junk - I do not lose. Granted, excersize can help.

forkofpower

If she told you that she would support you, she should follow through. However, you really shouldn't rely on someone else to help support you with your diet. I live with my family, and they continue to do the things they've always done -- eat out all the time, hold barbecues, buy tons of junk, etc. And that's their right. I can't ask them to do anything different just to make my diet easier.

Also, as other people have said, you can eat whatever you want to eat, as long as they fit your calorie goals. No reason why you have to sit there and eat nothing.

MyChocolateDiet

To clarify,

The program I am on is a fifteen week crash diet, in which your diet is restricted to the foods they give you (mostly shakes and granola bars), where you lose 70-80 pounds depending on exercise. In the next fifteen weeks, they transition you to healthy food so that you don't make yourself sick coming back. Then there is a 52 week period in the program where you continue to go over healthy habits, continue with weekly support groups, teach you how to cook healthy meals, plan your meals ahead of time, and facilitate behavioral change.

This diet is medically monitored by Kaiser, and includes weekly support group meetings for the rest of your life embedded in the initial cost.

This is not just some willy-nilly program.

Anywho, with that out of the way, thank you all for your suggestions, although many of you had very negative things to say about diet programs. Thank you!

Best of luck. Don't worry about the replies here. It's funny that folks act as though you've never considered calorie counting before.
Hope you and your fiancee can find a way to talk about these issues.

^this a thousand times.

amelia325

It sounds like a good program for a lifestyle change which is what being healthy is all about! I like the way it doesn't just say calories in/out and it actually incorporates and promotes healthy habits! If that is what you feel is best for you - do it! That is a big commitment of a program to sign up for and you are right to take it seriously! Commitment is what it's all about - in health and marriage!

ritan7471

I then told her that she promised to support me in the ways that the program states in the binder, and she said she didn't care what the binder had to say, and then asked where her support was.

How can I approach this? I love her, and always support her. What did I do wrong? Can I change what I'm doing? I'm so stressed, and I just want to quit this dang diet because of how it's affecting those around me.

This diet is not affecting her in any other way than that you can't center your life around food anymore. I agree that if you are being mopey then you should probably skip the get-togethers. But if it's just that others are uncomfortable with you not eating when they are, then it's not mopey, it's just you with an empty plate. Get some club soda with lime and a green salad with fat free dressing. Then you'll be eating something, and you (and she) can concentrate on socializing rather than that you aren't eating anything.

Reward yourself for meeting your diet and fitness goals, without waiting for her to be there for you or worrying about how she feels about the binder. Just do it for you. Show her, and yourself that you are making yourself a priority, it will be good for both of you.

ETA: You replied while I was writing, but just scratch what I said about the salad and mineral water if this won't work with your diet. But I don't think you should skip the outings if you enjoy them. I still think the mopey thing is about you not eating when everyone else is. THEY are mopey

dopeysmelly

I don't expect my husband's support and we only discussed my logging/tracking when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and decided to use MFP to track sodium/potassium. I don't advise him on what to eat for his condition, and he doesn't advise me on my meals.

Three outcomes from this: we haven't let each other down because we didn't make any promises to each other (only to ourselves and we haven't discussed it at all), my weight loss/his blood pressure regimen isn't a part of our relationship in any way and, finally, any progress we each make is ours completely and that is incredibly empowering. Doesn't mean we don't love each other like crazy.

Maybe an apology to your GF stressing that you didn't want to put her under pressure and you're sorry it got her upset might help? Maybe just don't mention your regimen to her in the same way you might not discuss what you wear every day?

MyChocolateDiet

If she told you that she would support you, she should follow through. However, you really shouldn't rely on someone else to help support you with your diet. I live with my family, and they continue to do the things they've always done -- eat out all the time, hold barbecues, buy tons of junk, etc. And that's their right. I can't ask them to do anything different just to make my diet easier.

Also, as other people have said, you can eat whatever you want to eat, as long as they fit your calorie goals. No reason why you have to sit there and eat nothing.

There is a reason. His plan. The plan he is on means he has to sit there and not eat anything. It is closely monitored for both healthy vitals and for weight loss. They emphasize his responsibility to stick to the plan as much as their responsibility to make sure he's losing.

gmcoulombe

It being a doctor directed program jerryortega56, definitely stick to it! And I'm so happy for you in taking steps to better your health.

As for your original question, I would think that your fiance could be able to be supportive and stick to the commitments that you made to each other before you started the program. Especially after hearing the restrictive portion of the program is only for a set number of weeks. I agree there must be something else going on here. Sit down with her and see if you can get a deeper answer. If that doesn't work, than let her know that you are sticking to the program and although you would love her commitment to support you, you will go ahead without it. If it means you don't eat out or do activities with her until this portion of the program is over, so be it.

MyChocolateDiet

I then told her that she promised to support me in the ways that the program states in the binder, and she said she didn't care what the binder had to say, and then asked where her support was.

How can I approach this? I love her, and always support her. What did I do wrong? Can I change what I'm doing? I'm so stressed, and I just want to quit this dang diet because of how it's affecting those around me.

This diet is not affecting her in any other way than that you can't center your life around food anymore. I agree that if you are being mopey then you should probably skip the get-togethers. But if it's just that others are uncomfortable with you not eating when they are, then it's not mopey, it's just you with an empty plate. Get some club soda with lime and a green salad with fat free dressing. Then you'll be eating something, and you (and she) can concentrate on socializing rather than that you aren't eating anything.

Reward yourself for meeting your diet and fitness goals, without waiting for her to be there for you or worrying about how she feels about the binder. Just do it for you. Show her, and yourself that you are making yourself a priority, it will be good for both of you.

ETA: You replied while I was writing, but just scratch what I said about the salad and mineral water if this won't work with your diet. But I don't think you should skip the outings if you enjoy them. I still think the mopey thing is about you not eating when everyone else is. THEY are mopey

I sense this as well. Just based on how mopey ppl get when I can't eat dessert with them usually. Not for cal reasons my cals usually allow it, but just b/c I'm a food person first. Dessert has to wait about 30 minutes later at least. I'm rarely in the mood for dessert right at the table. And that's why I think you're right. People get very uncomfortable being the only one eating for some reason? I get if my husband feels that way since he's made it his prime directive to support me and feed and house me. Other people, though? Unless they are hosting the party I'm in attendance at and feel some social or hostess pressure to make sure everyone's happy and fed, I don't get it? A restaurant is IMO a neutral environment where no one is "in charge" or obligated to feed and provide for anyone. It's an every man for himself situation. And right now when OP is refusing food, it's "for himself" in that situation.

bravid98

For me, my motivation is not dependant on anyone else. Yes, it helps if my wife doesn't go out of her way to eat Doritos in front of me or stock chips in the house, but if I can't control myself at home, how can I control myself at work, or driving past a burger shop?

MyChocolateDiet

I don't expect my husband's support and we only discussed my logging/tracking when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and decided to use MFP to track sodium/potassium. I don't advise him on what to eat for his condition, and he doesn't advise me on my meals.

Three outcomes from this: we haven't let each other down because we didn't make any promises to each other (only to ourselves and we haven't discussed it at all), my weight loss/his blood pressure regimen isn't a part of our relationship in any way and, finally, any progress we each make is ours completely and that is incredibly empowering. Doesn't mean we don't love each other like crazy.

Maybe an apology to your GF stressing that you didn't want to put her under pressure and you're sorry it got her upset might help? Maybe just don't mention your regimen to her in the same way you might not discuss what you wear every day?

Impossible. She will see his shakes daily and it will now anger her since her family made a big deal about it. They need to talk things through. She will be extremely defensive since she feels she has the support of her family. She may even enlist their help against him at subsequent meals or in other ways. He needs the IRL support of his group and also possibly to find out if there is a group her for people doing what he is doing. She will be hard to oppose when she feels so justified by being backed by her fam right now. She may in fact want him to quit. Some of her fam may not understand his plan just as some people in this thread did not and my simply see a man not eating a thing at mealtimes and be panicking thinking he is in a starvation mode or something. Depending on her family dynamics she may not be getting the whole point of the plan across like he just finally did. Albeit in anger after everyone criticising it.

MyChocolateDiet

For me, my motivation is not dependant on anyone else. Yes, it helps if my wife doesn't go out of her way to eat Doritos in front of me or stock chips in the house, but if I can't control myself at home, how can I control myself at work, or driving past a burger shop?

He will learn all this at the end of the program....as he stated already.

dakotababy

It is lovely to have a fiancee/fiance's support, however - you HAVE to learn to do this yourself. You can not rely on her to help you in any way. Go out and get your own reward. She sounds like she is not willing to change her eating patterns, YET (this may change over time - it may not).

Back years ago, my boyfriend and I would always do the diet and exercise together. Guess what? We dragged each other down. He would fall off wagon, I would fall off wagon. He would want to exercise, I would not - so both of us would sit and watch tv.

It is just something that rarely works, unless if both individuals are 100% committed and already live the healthy lifestyle to begin with.

My boyfriend at times, gets on the wagon with me. He often falls off, which back when I first started would impact me. I decided that "with or without him - I am doing this". I have been unstoppable since.

MissJay75

I'm going to add too that you and your fiancée might want to look into some premarital counseling. You guys seem to have gotten overwhelmed at the stress involved in you undertaking such a major change in your life, and your relationship is suffering. It sounds like there is resentment building on both sides, which is probably leading to a lack of emotional intimacy. In a marriage, stress from life changes happen a lot. Someone loses a job, someone gets seriously sick, children come along, you buy a house . . . You need to figure out how to communicate during times of stress and disagreement. You need to figure out what kinds of promises are appropriate to make, and not confuse them with goals. You both need to value your word and do what you say you are going to do. Otherwise how can there be any trust?

Archon2

It is lovely to have a fiancee/fiance's support, however - you HAVE to learn to do this yourself. You can not rely on her to help you in any way. Go out and get your own reward. She sounds like she is not willing to change her eating patterns, YET (this may change over time - it may not).

Back years ago, my boyfriend and I would always do the diet and exercise together. Guess what? We dragged each other down. He would fall off wagon, I would fall off wagon. He would want to exercise, I would not - so both of us would sit and watch tv.

It is just something that rarely works, unless if both individuals are 100% committed and already live the healthy lifestyle to begin with.

My boyfriend at times, gets on the wagon with me. He often falls off, which back when I first started would impact me. I decided that "with or without him - I am doing this". I have been unstoppable since.

Having read the thread sofar, I think it is just what Dakotababy said! Dude, just quietly and firmly stick with the program. If that means skipping some family meals out while everyone is scarfing down BBQ and stuff, then go there! Your wife will get used to it, and it is only the first short phase where you can't eat anything but the shakes and supplied items. Its a rough patch, you'll get over it, and don't put pressure on the wife to stick with the support stuff...because the bottom line is that, while it might be nice to have, it is ultimately YOUR lifestyle and health change.

Edit: (I said wife when I should have said Fiancee, sorry for jumping the gun

_HeartsOnFire_

...

dopeysmelly

I don't expect my husband's support and we only discussed my logging/tracking when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and decided to use MFP to track sodium/potassium. I don't advise him on what to eat for his condition, and he doesn't advise me on my meals.

Three outcomes from this: we haven't let each other down because we didn't make any promises to each other (only to ourselves and we haven't discussed it at all), my weight loss/his blood pressure regimen isn't a part of our relationship in any way and, finally, any progress we each make is ours completely and that is incredibly empowering. Doesn't mean we don't love each other like crazy.

Maybe an apology to your GF stressing that you didn't want to put her under pressure and you're sorry it got her upset might help? Maybe just don't mention your regimen to her in the same way you might not discuss what you wear every day?

Impossible. She will see his shakes daily and it will now anger her since her family made a big deal about it.

Maybe I wasn't clear. There is a difference between doing something (preparing/consuming shakes/food) and doing it AND discussing it.

Anyway, I agree with quietly sticking with any program.

I had a work conference last week with a bunch of people many of whom I count as friends, and I skipped all the nibbles and desserts and really ate with moderation. I could see a few people itching to comment, but they didn't (thankfully), and I spent the time actually having some wonderful conversations with people instead of stuffing my face. I found having a glass of something in front of me helped a lot (wine, water whatever), since it psychologically communicated that I was a part of the group, even if I wasn't fully participating.

Good luck OP

Cycle4Life99

This is a tough position to be in and I don't know how to fully advise you being somewhat new to the relationship thing. Perhaps the best words I can offer are to be absolutely true to yourself. You're losing weight and gaining health so that you can lead a better quality of life. As easier said as done than this is, stand your ground. Your fiancee's family members don't feel "guilty," they feel a little envious and threatened by your motivation. Arguably, many of them want your level of self control and motivation.

Try explaining that your health journey is not only an investment in yourself but in your relationship. When you are healthy and in a good place, it makes you a better person for your significant other. My girlfriend wants to lose weight as well and I got her on the MFP app and she is all over it. I would like her to try some of the social networking side because it makes the journey so much easier but one thing at a time. Sometimes, she helps remind me to log stuff ;-) I find her care and concern is endearing.

In summary, politely stand your ground. If your fiancee and her family are unable and unwilling to accept the decision you have made, I wouldn't call it love, rather it is sabotage. In some ways, I'm also lucky that my girlfriend's family support me and cheer me on. It's amazing what simply explaining to my girlfriend's parents how me losing weight will help make me a better person for her. After all, they want the best for their daughter.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Just break up.