Fiancee's Support

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  • bravid98
    bravid98 Posts: 80 Member
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    For me, my motivation is not dependant on anyone else. Yes, it helps if my wife doesn't go out of her way to eat Doritos in front of me or stock chips in the house, but if I can't control myself at home, how can I control myself at work, or driving past a burger shop?
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I don't expect my husband's support and we only discussed my logging/tracking when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and decided to use MFP to track sodium/potassium. I don't advise him on what to eat for his condition, and he doesn't advise me on my meals.

    Three outcomes from this: we haven't let each other down because we didn't make any promises to each other (only to ourselves and we haven't discussed it at all), my weight loss/his blood pressure regimen isn't a part of our relationship in any way and, finally, any progress we each make is ours completely and that is incredibly empowering. Doesn't mean we don't love each other like crazy.

    Maybe an apology to your GF stressing that you didn't want to put her under pressure and you're sorry it got her upset might help? Maybe just don't mention your regimen to her in the same way you might not discuss what you wear every day?

    Impossible. She will see his shakes daily and it will now anger her since her family made a big deal about it. They need to talk things through. She will be extremely defensive since she feels she has the support of her family. She may even enlist their help against him at subsequent meals or in other ways. He needs the IRL support of his group and also possibly to find out if there is a group her for people doing what he is doing. She will be hard to oppose when she feels so justified by being backed by her fam right now. She may in fact want him to quit. Some of her fam may not understand his plan just as some people in this thread did not and my simply see a man not eating a thing at mealtimes and be panicking thinking he is in a starvation mode or something. Depending on her family dynamics she may not be getting the whole point of the plan across like he just finally did. Albeit in anger after everyone criticising it.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    For me, my motivation is not dependant on anyone else. Yes, it helps if my wife doesn't go out of her way to eat Doritos in front of me or stock chips in the house, but if I can't control myself at home, how can I control myself at work, or driving past a burger shop?

    He will learn all this at the end of the program....as he stated already.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    It is lovely to have a fiancee/fiance's support, however - you HAVE to learn to do this yourself. You can not rely on her to help you in any way. Go out and get your own reward. She sounds like she is not willing to change her eating patterns, YET (this may change over time - it may not).

    Back years ago, my boyfriend and I would always do the diet and exercise together. Guess what? We dragged each other down. He would fall off wagon, I would fall off wagon. He would want to exercise, I would not - so both of us would sit and watch tv.

    It is just something that rarely works, unless if both individuals are 100% committed and already live the healthy lifestyle to begin with.

    My boyfriend at times, gets on the wagon with me. He often falls off, which back when I first started would impact me. I decided that "with or without him - I am doing this". I have been unstoppable since.
  • MissJay75
    MissJay75 Posts: 768 Member
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    I'm going to add too that you and your fiancée might want to look into some premarital counseling. You guys seem to have gotten overwhelmed at the stress involved in you undertaking such a major change in your life, and your relationship is suffering. It sounds like there is resentment building on both sides, which is probably leading to a lack of emotional intimacy. In a marriage, stress from life changes happen a lot. Someone loses a job, someone gets seriously sick, children come along, you buy a house . . . You need to figure out how to communicate during times of stress and disagreement. You need to figure out what kinds of promises are appropriate to make, and not confuse them with goals. You both need to value your word and do what you say you are going to do. Otherwise how can there be any trust?
  • Archon2
    Archon2 Posts: 462 Member
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    It is lovely to have a fiancee/fiance's support, however - you HAVE to learn to do this yourself. You can not rely on her to help you in any way. Go out and get your own reward. She sounds like she is not willing to change her eating patterns, YET (this may change over time - it may not).

    Back years ago, my boyfriend and I would always do the diet and exercise together. Guess what? We dragged each other down. He would fall off wagon, I would fall off wagon. He would want to exercise, I would not - so both of us would sit and watch tv.

    It is just something that rarely works, unless if both individuals are 100% committed and already live the healthy lifestyle to begin with.

    My boyfriend at times, gets on the wagon with me. He often falls off, which back when I first started would impact me. I decided that "with or without him - I am doing this". I have been unstoppable since.

    Having read the thread sofar, I think it is just what Dakotababy said! Dude, just quietly and firmly stick with the program. If that means skipping some family meals out while everyone is scarfing down BBQ and stuff, then go there! Your wife will get used to it, and it is only the first short phase where you can't eat anything but the shakes and supplied items. Its a rough patch, you'll get over it, and don't put pressure on the wife to stick with the support stuff...because the bottom line is that, while it might be nice to have, it is ultimately YOUR lifestyle and health change.

    Edit: (I said wife when I should have said Fiancee, sorry for jumping the gun :)
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
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    ...
  • dopeysmelly
    dopeysmelly Posts: 1,390 Member
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    I don't expect my husband's support and we only discussed my logging/tracking when he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and decided to use MFP to track sodium/potassium. I don't advise him on what to eat for his condition, and he doesn't advise me on my meals.

    Three outcomes from this: we haven't let each other down because we didn't make any promises to each other (only to ourselves and we haven't discussed it at all), my weight loss/his blood pressure regimen isn't a part of our relationship in any way and, finally, any progress we each make is ours completely and that is incredibly empowering. Doesn't mean we don't love each other like crazy.

    Maybe an apology to your GF stressing that you didn't want to put her under pressure and you're sorry it got her upset might help? Maybe just don't mention your regimen to her in the same way you might not discuss what you wear every day?

    Impossible. She will see his shakes daily and it will now anger her since her family made a big deal about it.

    Maybe I wasn't clear. There is a difference between doing something (preparing/consuming shakes/food) and doing it AND discussing it.

    Anyway, I agree with quietly sticking with any program.

    I had a work conference last week with a bunch of people many of whom I count as friends, and I skipped all the nibbles and desserts and really ate with moderation. I could see a few people itching to comment, but they didn't (thankfully), and I spent the time actually having some wonderful conversations with people instead of stuffing my face. I found having a glass of something in front of me helped a lot (wine, water whatever), since it psychologically communicated that I was a part of the group, even if I wasn't fully participating.

    Good luck OP
  • Cycle4Life99
    Cycle4Life99 Posts: 86
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    This is a tough position to be in and I don't know how to fully advise you being somewhat new to the relationship thing. Perhaps the best words I can offer are to be absolutely true to yourself. You're losing weight and gaining health so that you can lead a better quality of life. As easier said as done than this is, stand your ground. Your fiancee's family members don't feel "guilty," they feel a little envious and threatened by your motivation. Arguably, many of them want your level of self control and motivation.

    Try explaining that your health journey is not only an investment in yourself but in your relationship. When you are healthy and in a good place, it makes you a better person for your significant other. My girlfriend wants to lose weight as well and I got her on the MFP app and she is all over it. I would like her to try some of the social networking side because it makes the journey so much easier but one thing at a time. Sometimes, she helps remind me to log stuff ;-) I find her care and concern is endearing.

    In summary, politely stand your ground. If your fiancee and her family are unable and unwilling to accept the decision you have made, I wouldn't call it love, rather it is sabotage. In some ways, I'm also lucky that my girlfriend's family support me and cheer me on. It's amazing what simply explaining to my girlfriend's parents how me losing weight will help make me a better person for her. After all, they want the best for their daughter.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Just break up.
  • RavenLibra
    RavenLibra Posts: 1,737 Member
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    Dig into your closet and find your BIG boy pants... Imagine a woman saying something she doesn't mean out of anger/frustration/angst/fear/loathing... that never happens does it ladies? Forgive.. forget.. move on... (no NOT move away)... PULL IT Together.. do what you do because it is the right thing to do... FOR yourself and for your relationship... THAT's what being a man IS...any questions? you know where to find me :smokin:
  • Cycle4Life99
    Cycle4Life99 Posts: 86
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    Dig into your closet and find your BIG boy pants... Imagine a woman saying something she doesn't mean out of anger/frustration/angst/fear/loathing... that never happens does it ladies? Forgive.. forget.. move on... (no NOT move away)... PULL IT Together.. do what you do because it is the right thing to do... FOR yourself and for your relationship... THAT's what being a man IS...any questions? you know where to find me :smokin:

    I know you mean well but there are kinder ways to say this and get the same meaning across. This situation isn't easy and the OP clearly loves his fiancee.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
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    I am so thankful my bf and I are on the same diet and support each other.

    This is far more difficult than ya'll imagine.

    I've not been through it, but my co-workers hubby just had bypass and oh boy...

    I think it effects more than I would have guessed.

    Are you being moody?

    Hangry?

    Emotionally volatile?

    I would recommend this:

    Go to Wal-mart, buy some $5 flowers and a $0.50 card. Write a note on the inside that says something super sincere like "Baby, I know this has brought far more changes than we both ever anticipated. I know I'm probably not always the easiest to deal with, especially in this time that I'm facing new challenges and over-coming new demons every day. I want you to know I appreciate everything you do, and your support is truly a lifesaver during this time. I promise when it's over, I'll re-pay your unconditional love and support by returning it for the rest of our days together. Love, X".
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
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    Give them to her or suprise her by leaving them where she'll find them.

    I promise that will help her feel encouraged to stay the course.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    To clarify,

    The program I am on is a fifteen week crash diet, in which your diet is restricted to the foods they give you (mostly shakes and granola bars), where you lose 70-80 pounds depending on exercise. In the next fifteen weeks, they transition you to healthy food so that you don't make yourself sick coming back. Then there is a 52 week period in the program where you continue to go over healthy habits, continue with weekly support groups, teach you how to cook healthy meals, plan your meals ahead of time, and facilitate behavioral change.

    This diet is medically monitored by Kaiser, and includes weekly support group meetings for the rest of your life embedded in the initial cost.

    This is not just some willy-nilly program.

    Anywho, with that out of the way, thank you all for your suggestions, although many of you had very negative things to say about diet programs. Thank you!
    Best of luck. Don't worry about the replies here. It's funny that folks act as though you've never considered calorie counting before.
    Hope you and your fiancee can find a way to talk about these issues.

    Yes, so funny! See me laughing?
  • RavenLibra
    RavenLibra Posts: 1,737 Member
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    sorry.. I must be a big Hangry myself... BUT thank you for helping me make my point
    Dig into your closet and find your BIG boy pants... Imagine a woman saying something she doesn't mean out of anger/frustration/angst/fear/loathing... that never happens does it ladies? Forgive.. forget.. move on... (no NOT move away)... PULL IT Together.. do what you do because it is the right thing to do... FOR yourself and for your relationship... THAT's what being a man IS...any questions? you know where to find me :smokin:

    I know you mean well but there are kinder ways to say this and get the same meaning across. This situation isn't easy and the OP clearly loves his fiancee.
  • carinthea
    carinthea Posts: 97 Member
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    To the person who said "pre-marital counselling" this...it sounds as though there are a few more issues there; more than just the fact that you are on a life changing diet. Diet is never easy - no matter what plan you are on, but if you need this for your health then it's not unreasonable to expect some support.

    I would suggest that you look to your motivation for starting the plan, for asking for help, for starting on this path in the first place, then speak with your fiancee, find out what has upset her and caused her so much stress...we don't know everything that is going on with her and with you (we don't need to) but it sounds as though you both need to sit down and talk about things. If she is like this about the weight loss and you are like this about how she is about it then the underlying problems could cause future disruption...

    Please talk to her, find out what is going on in her head. If it is only that her family thinks that you are being mopey how are you going to cope for the next 15-18 months with the pressure coming from all sides?

    I would say 'man-up' but I don't think that this will resolve anything/everything. Talk about what is wrong...could be cold feet, could be stress at work, could be worry because you have been put on this diet that your Doctor feels you are in a situation to need to prevent health issues...could be anything at all...but you need to know.

    If you need support then get it from here, from your friends, from other members of your diet group...it may well be that she simply cannot offer you the support you need for this but you need to find out.
  • cardinalsfootball
    cardinalsfootball Posts: 167 Member
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    I say learn to enjoy your alone time. Find something you can do to celebrate your new lifestyle while she is out with her family.

    Hell, I'd pay cold hard cash sometimes to not have to go out with my inlaws.

    Go hiking, do a yoga class, see movies, read a book at a coffeeshop, whatever.

    Stay strong and on it.
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
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    a 30 min walk a day would provide you with the same results as whatever you are doing now without depriving yourself of anything.

    OptiFast has you eating like 800-1000 calories a day. A 30 minute walk isn't going to give him that level of calorie reduction based on the diet his post makes it sound like he and his fiance were eating previously.

    That said, stick to your plan OP. However, please give your relationship some second thoughts. Supporting you on a diet plan is a lot less work than supporting you on a serious issue, like illness, or unemployment, etc. If this is a bridge too far for your fiance to cross with you, I'd be concerned about what the future holds if something more serious happens. Good luck.
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
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    To clarify,

    The program I am on is a fifteen week crash diet, in which your diet is restricted to the foods they give you (mostly shakes and granola bars), where you lose 70-80 pounds depending on exercise. In the next fifteen weeks, they transition you to healthy food so that you don't make yourself sick coming back. Then there is a 52 week period in the program where you continue to go over healthy habits, continue with weekly support groups, teach you how to cook healthy meals, plan your meals ahead of time, and facilitate behavioral change.

    This diet is medically monitored by Kaiser, and includes weekly support group meetings for the rest of your life embedded in the initial cost.

    This is not just some willy-nilly program.

    Anywho, with that out of the way, thank you all for your suggestions, although many of you had very negative things to say about diet programs. Thank you!
    Best of luck. Don't worry about the replies here. It's funny that folks act as though you've never considered calorie counting before.
    Hope you and your fiancee can find a way to talk about these issues.

    Yes, so funny! See me laughing?
    Dictionary.com:
    2. difficult to explain or understand; strange.
    "I had a funny feeling you'd be around"

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