misplaced anger

MyChocolateDiet

Maybe it is jealousy, I don't know. If I knew for sure what it was, I could likely sort it out easier.

I definitely want her to have a healthier life, and I said so in my original post.

I am happy that she is in better health

It is highly unlikely we will "repair" any relationship. She happily abused her daughter and left her home alone on numerous occasions as a toddler, as well as left her for days on end in a home with a known pedophile. This child was removed from her care years ago by me and another sister (who ultimately adopted her). She willfully ignores this girl at family events, not even wiling to treat her as a niece. So no, I have no respect for her and will not seek to build a relationship. To those who have lost family members, my condolences on your loss. :flowerforyou: I've also lost a brother and both parents, so I understand the reality that can come.

I absolutely value what I have and know that everything I have and do, I earn (good and bad). I understand the path she took is hers, and mine is mine. I don't want her to struggle with effects of the surgery she chose. I guess I just don't want to see her successful without working her *kitten* off for it when there is no need for her to not put in the hard work. She has no children, and she works only part time. She has a history of taking all she can get for free, and lying to get it, and I expect the taxpayers paid for the surgery. I don't respect her. I imagine she finds me a judgmental *****, and maybe she's right. :bigsmile:

I guess I just needed to acknowledge my feelings out loud, and yes, "feel it, don't eat it" as one person commented. Perhaps this really was the best option for her, and if so, I'm glad she did it. Really. My feelings can be valid while still not wishing her ill will. Life isn't black and white, and I can usually see both sides of everything; that's maybe part of the reason these emotions are so perplexing to me.

I'm rambling, but wanted to share a bit more about my feelings because I think I was misunderstood. Or maybe not, and I'm in denial about what I'm feeling. Either way, thank you all for your thoughtful responses, especially the ones that didn't sugarcoat it. I'm a very direct person and appreciate the same even if I disagree! :drinker:

You know OP that statement form you original post which you quoted was the precise part that was nagging me as I read your thread. It stuck out as out of place and I questioned whether you were being sincere.

You seem to have picked it out as well. For a different reason, to "prove" you're nice I guess?

Except that what followed were justificiations for why you should feel the exact OPPOSITE of that statement. You seem to be justifying the opposite statement..."I am NOT happy she is in better health."

I propose you challenge the statement and see where that leads. I also would ask what if you didn't feel "happy for her", where would that lead? Emotionally, mentally, etc? Is it possible you wanted to achieve all those goals first because you "deserve" it more? Since you've been more responsible, kinder, and set out with that as your goal first?

Last year a woman stole an election from me. She wanted to run for something. People hated her. They asked me to run, I did. We were warned not to "campaign". I followed the instructions, she did not. She won. The statement I heard amongst all the "you'll win next time's" and the "it should have been you", and "I voted for you's" that got my attention most was this..."maybe she wanted it more?" this was from the woman who hated her the most and rallied for me the most and was giving up the position reluctantly to her. You now how that felt? It felt like I should have cheated, like I had missed some hint to work around the rules and like I let her down.

There is no "cheating", morality game, or etc. in weight loss. There is only what works and what doesn't.

Don't let yourself down.

Who wants it more? Not between you and her, but between successful you and unsuccessful you. Who wants control over your body more, your healthy mind/heart/soul or your unhealthy mind/heart/soul. That's who your only real competition is.

It's

YOU :happy::laugh: :flowerforyou: :glasses:

vs.

YOU:devil::explode: :mad: :brokenheart: ...who's gonna win?

baba_helly

Maybe it is jealousy, I don't know. If I knew for sure what it was, I could likely sort it out easier.

I definitely want her to have a healthier life, and I said so in my original post.

I am happy that she is in better health

It is highly unlikely we will "repair" any relationship. She happily abused her daughter and left her home alone on numerous occasions as a toddler, as well as left her for days on end in a home with a known pedophile. This child was removed from her care years ago by me and another sister (who ultimately adopted her). She willfully ignores this girl at family events, not even wiling to treat her as a niece. So no, I have no respect for her and will not seek to build a relationship. To those who have lost family members, my condolences on your loss. :flowerforyou: I've also lost a brother and both parents, so I understand the reality that can come.

I absolutely value what I have and know that everything I have and do, I earn (good and bad). I understand the path she took is hers, and mine is mine. I don't want her to struggle with effects of the surgery she chose. I guess I just don't want to see her successful without working her *kitten* off for it when there is no need for her to not put in the hard work. She has no children, and she works only part time. She has a history of taking all she can get for free, and lying to get it, and I expect the taxpayers paid for the surgery. I don't respect her. I imagine she finds me a judgmental *****, and maybe she's right. :bigsmile:

I guess I just needed to acknowledge my feelings out loud, and yes, "feel it, don't eat it" as one person commented. Perhaps this really was the best option for her, and if so, I'm glad she did it. Really. My feelings can be valid while still not wishing her ill will. Life isn't black and white, and I can usually see both sides of everything; that's maybe part of the reason these emotions are so perplexing to me.

I'm rambling, but wanted to share a bit more about my feelings because I think I was misunderstood. Or maybe not, and I'm in denial about what I'm feeling. Either way, thank you all for your thoughtful responses, especially the ones that didn't sugarcoat it. I'm a very direct person and appreciate the same even if I disagree! :drinker:

You know OP that statement form you original post which you quoted was the precise part that was nagging me as I read your thread. It stuck out as out of place and I questioned whether you were being sincere.

You seem to have picked it out as well. For a different reason, to "prove" you're nice I guess?

Except that what followed were justificiations for why you should feel the exact OPPOSITE of that statement. You seem to be justifying the opposite statement..."I am NOT happy she is in better health."

I propose you challenge the statement and see where that leads. I also would ask what if you didn't feel "happy for her", where would that lead? Emotionally, mentally, etc? Is it possible you wanted to achieve all those goals first because you "deserve" it more? Since you've been more responsible, kinder, and set out with that as your goal first?

Last year a woman stole an election from me. She wanted to run for something. People hated her. They asked me to run, I did. We were warned not to "campaign". I followed the instructions, she did not. She won. The statement I heard amongst all the "you'll win next time's" and the "it should have been you", and "I voted for you's" that got my attention most was this..."maybe she wanted it more?" this was from the woman who hated her the most and rallied for me the most and was giving up the position reluctantly to her. You now how that felt? It felt like I should have cheated, like I had missed some hint to work around the rules and like I let her down.

There is no "cheating", morality game, or etc. in weight loss. There is only what works and what doesn't.

Don't let yourself down.

Who wants it more? Not between you and her, but between successful you and unsuccessful you. Who wants control over your body more, your healthy mind/heart/soul or your unhealthy mind/heart/soul. That's who your only real competition is.

It's

YOU :happy::laugh: :flowerforyou: :glasses:

vs.

YOU:devil::explode: :mad: :brokenheart: ...who's gonna win?

I emphasized one of the best things I've ever read on here, srs.

Myhaloslipped

Think of it this way. When you do reach your goal weight, it will mean so much more to you and be empowering because you worked your butt off for it. You will have more appreciation for what you went through to get there and be much more likely to keep the weight off. I agree that patience does suck, but it is a virtue that always pays off in the end.

AubrieJo328

Just quoting lyrics here but:

Don't waste your time on jealousy;
Sometimes you're ahead,
Sometimes You're behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I have a difficult relationship with my sister too. The race IS long. You are doing this for yourself, in the best possible way FOR YOURSELF, and hopefully with the best long-term outcome too. Try to put her from your head, and when you work out how, let me know

this

RodaRose

The thread title seems to be important. Are you angry about other things as well? Losing weight sometimes leads us to feel the emotions that were hiding underneath. Remind yourself that at some point you will be o.k. about this.

cebreisch

That was one thing I didn't mention. Your feelings are VERY valid!!! It doesn't make you evil for feeling this way. Under the circumstances, it's quite understandable actually. It was probably just unexpected, and threw you for a loop. And you're right. Your feelings can be valid while not wishing her ill will.

A friend of my dad's had lap-band surgery, and since I've heard them talk about it all the time about how he's such an advocate for it, and it's helping him, etc etc etc.

The thing is: He didn't do it for what I consider to be "the right reason". He did it so he would be forced not to eat so much. He still eats whatever he wants (whether it's "on program" or not - usually NOT), and I feel like he has no intentions of eating the way he should. I feel like if he's going to go through the process of getting lap-band surgery, he should follow through and "follow the program" and eat better, log his food, yadda yadda yadda, and if he did, he could be in SUCH good shape, but he chooses not to. That aggravates me. BUT I guess it's working for him the way he wants it to, so who am I to "judge".

When I saw him at my dad's funeral, and said, "Ahhh - you're the one with all the will-power!" Sort of proves that we don't know as much about each other's path's as we would like to think. I'm not sure it's as much will-power as it is determination.

For what it's worth....

bcattoes

She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.

Cheating... CHEATING??? So what did she win? What did she take from you? What glorious accolade was snatched from your deserving hands, to be ignominiously delivered to the usurper's hands?


Oh yeah, your weight loss. Your OWN weight loss. Mind you, if you had wagered something significant, ignore my attempt to ridicule this situation. In that case that should be rectified. But if the idea is for you to lose weight for your own reasons, it's irrelevant what your sister, Oprah, or the biggest loser do or do not. No one can take that from you.

Well, nevermind me asking then. So are people that have no kids cheating you because they can devote more time to working out and planning meals? How about people that have complicated jobs (e.g. oil rig workers) - are we all cheating on them? Are you cheating on those that through no fault of their own were raised in a family with no clue about nutrition? Am I cheating because my wife is a great cook that can make delicious, low calorie meals? Or maybe we are cheating on those who have suffered from abuse s that derives in eating disorders.

Based on the "+1s" on cheating this clearly is not going to sit well. But for "cheating" to happen in this context there has to be winners and losers. If you sibling rivalry extends to an unofficial weight loss contest... well, that's just idiotic.

+5000 LOVE THIS!

SoDamnHungry

It sounds like you two are already a little competitive, and to see her losing all this weight so easily by doing it surgically does sound really annoying.

Just remember that you're losing weight in a healthy, safe way through willpower alone, and try to be happy for her that she's found a way to get healthier as well. If this was a weight loss competition maybe you could call it cheating, but it isn't. It's life, and people do what works for them. And just look forward to showing off how much you lose between now and the next family gathering.

ldarlener

You don't know that she cheated. Unless you know this person. Someone I love very much had to have gastric bypass.
I am very proud of her for having the courage to do that. To say "I can't do this alone". After her surgery she has fought very hard to not gain the weight back and to continue to lose weight.
To make a judgement "she did cheat" about someone you don't know does not seem right or fair to me.

But, to the OP, this is your weight loss journey. Try to keep in mind your accomplishments and maybe even be there to support each other. Any way you lose weight is hard. Keeping it off is even harder.

SoDamnHungry

It is highly unlikely we will "repair" any relationship. She happily abused her daughter and left her home alone on numerous occasions as a toddler, as well as left her for days on end in a home with a known pedophile. This child was removed from her care years ago by me and another sister (who ultimately adopted her). She willfully ignores this girl at family events, not even wiling to treat her as a niece. So no, I have no respect for her and will not seek to build a relationship. To those who have lost family members, my condolences on your loss. :flowerforyou: I've also lost a brother and both parents, so I understand the reality that can come.

Obviously this is a lot more complicated than someone you don't care for losing weight, then. Good luck with your sister, OP.

johnnyhatesjazz

I know 2 people that had the gastric bypass surgery and they looked great after they lost all that weight, but within 3 yrs they put it all back on again. Yes it is possible to do that.. My point is.. She did it the wrong way. She didn't put any effort into it and because it was soo easy for her im betting the weight will go right back on.. Just watch and see what I mean.. Your doing it the right way and you will be better off in the long run.. Don't stress.. The only one you hurt is you.

bikrchk

She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.

Cheating... CHEATING??? So what did she win? What did she take from you? What glorious accolade was snatched from your deserving hands, to be ignominiously delivered to the usurper's hands?

Yes, THIS ^^^
Oh yeah, your weight loss. Your OWN weight loss. Mind you, if you had wagered something significant, ignore my attempt to ridicule this situation. In that case that should be rectified. But if the idea is for you to lose weight for your own reasons, it's irrelevant what your sister, Oprah, or the biggest loser do or do not. No one can take that from you.

Well, nevermind me asking then. So are people that have no kids cheating you because they can devote more time to working out and planning meals? How about people that have complicated jobs (e.g. oil rig workers) - are we all cheating on them? Are you cheating on those that through no fault of their own were raised in a family with no clue about nutrition? Am I cheating because my wife is a great cook that can make delicious, low calorie meals? Or maybe we are cheating on those who have suffered from abuse s that derives in eating disorders.

Based on the "+1s" on cheating this clearly is not going to sit well. But for "cheating" to happen in this context there has to be winners and losers. If you sibling rivalry extends to an unofficial weight loss contest... well, that's just idiotic.

fittoday14

I actually have been through what you are dealing with now.

My sister was extremely large (300+lbs), had gastric and now is itty bitty. I've ALWAYS had to work hard to lose &/or maintain (its always been a battle) while she's eaten whatever, whenever for as long as I can remember. And it wasn't just the eating, she also literally did NOTHING but be on the computer, watch tv and eat.

While I constantly thought of what to eat for a balanced nutrition (ie portion control, do I really want that, etc) and workout all the time (which I enjoy but its HARD WORK!), she's never had to do a lick of that. Even now, sure, she can't have soda, but she still eats whatever she wants but it only takes a fraction of what she was eating to feel full. That would NEVER happen for me. So yea, that 1/2 of a cookie is great for you, I would need 5 to have the same "full" effect. Just using this as an example.

Anyways, I too felt like she cheated. She got a tremendous amount of recognition and praise for the losing the weight and that didn't happen for me. Jealousy? A person might call it that, but I don't know if I would. When my sister was at her heaviest, I never put her down or said ANYTHING about her weight unless she brought the subject up and asked for advice etc. But now that she's so small, its almost like she throws it in my face that she wears smaller clothes than me, going on and on about how she gets so much attention (which shes married mind you) etc. Really, WHO CARES! But for some reason, for a little while, it all got under my skin.

Maybe it was because of our past. Maybe it was because I had worked hard for something and yet this was ONE MORE THING that came easy for her. Maybe it was because I WANTED to be where she was at. Maybe it was a mixture of a lot of things.

All I can say is that now, almost a year later? Guess who is still a great weight, physically fit and rockin this body of mine? ME!!!
And sadly, because she never learned anything, guess who isn't? My sister.

You have learned and gained SO MUCH through the process YOU are following. Don't doubt that, don't regret that and don't envy an easier process. I promise you that this will fade. It truly isn't the fact that she lost weight, its just one more notch in that hook of a lifetime of separation.

Good thing? You've acknowledged this feeling, you feel the anger/hurt/sadness/frustration ... and now its time to let that go, turn it around and put that energy right back into YOU!!!

wow, i love this!

NH_Norma

I think this thread served it's purpose for me. I vented, I got a lot of different perspectives, I've brooded, I've pondered, I've obsessed...and suddenly tonight, none of it matters. I'm back in the game, and once again don't give a care in the world what she does or does not do. I know what I must do, I know who I'm doing it for, and I know why I'm doing it. I'm once again in a good place. Thanks for every one of your responses.

AsaThorsWoman

I think this thread served it's purpose for me. I vented, I got a lot of different perspectives, I've brooded, I've pondered, I've obsessed...and suddenly tonight, none of it matters. I'm back in the game, and once again don't give a care in the world what she does or does not do. I know what I must do, I know who I'm doing it for, and I know why I'm doing it. I'm once again in a good place. Thanks for every one of your responses.

Honestly, I use MFP to vent some awkward emotions. I get made fun of a bit for it, but if you're going to have to get bent out of shape, it's better to do it in an almost anonymous forum to strangers.

Glad to hear you don't give a hoot anymore!