Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues

AsaThorsWoman

Mama always said the way to a man's heart is through his belly.

If it worked once, why wouldn't it work again?

Besides, if ya'll strictly CICO, what you eat doesn't make a huge difference.

AsaThorsWoman

They're probably right.

She's probably still buying the same as usual and it's stacking because you're not eating it.

Stash it for a rainy day.

Ask her to buy you something really pricey, that will make her in her mind go "If he thinks he needs a $10 raw vegan paleo cookie, than that can be his only darn treat this week!"

Problem solved~!

sweetcurlz67

This may not be the popular response...

like some of the others, talk to your wife, try to involve her, however, if you've talked and talked and talked til you're blue in the face and nothing at ALL helps... consider your options. that's all i'll say...

you need to be healthy for YOU. Lose weight for YOU.

srslybritt

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

If only MFP had sarcasm font.

I hope.

LosingExtraKristy

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

Oooh oooh oooh!!! Bad advice right here. :laugh: I won't get into what would happen if this was happening in my marriage. Talk to her calmly and honestly.

GabrielWJ

Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

amw1919

Have you talked to her about why she's buying/making these things and not coming to the gym with you? Any change in a relationship is hard and she may be feeling "left back" or like a failure. Watch all of those Netflix shows on sugar, diabetes and healthy eating, together and see if you can get back on the same page. Reassure her that you love her no matter what but also be encouraging. Don't be afraid to put those donuts down the garbage disposal, if necessary.

I agree with this. She may be feeling "left back." My fiance and I have the same health goals but there are days that he is very motivated and wants to do something active and I'm like "meh" and kinda feel bad about myself for the moment and vice versa. I choose not to sabotage but every person handles things differently. I'm sure you may already do this but try giving her words of encouragement. Make positive comments about her when she's making good choices. It may not be today or this week, but have faith that she will get in the right mind set and help both you achieve your goals. Until then, I think it would be good to talk to her about how you feel the temptations (food) around the house may hinder your progress.

Sirinya55

Stop giving her the sex...she'll leave you eventually

MegE_N

I second the idea that she might not know she's doing it. You're focused on weight loss and food a lot, and she's not. She can't know what you're thinking, what's in your head. She may just be trying to be nice. Trying to reward you, trying to do something nice for you. I think it's a little mean to jump to the 'She's out to get you, man!' conclusions.

And you can't force or badger her into weight loss. Invite her along for walks, to the gym, whatever. But let her make the choice to go and don't pressure her. That switch went off for you - it will for her too, in her own time.

qmmanager69

Losing weight is so very hard and for us women who hit a certain age, it gets even harder and more challenging. We get cranky and closed off. I would say try to re-engage her. Be encouraging and supportive. Yes, you need to dig deep to avoid temptations that are put in your path, but for heaven's sake, don't listen to the guy who told you not to talk to her about it. You're a team with your spouse. Good luck!

meltedsno

she is, no doubt, feeling insecure... probably a little jealous, a little worried that suddenly you will decide that you will lose interest in her and want to move on.

If you are like me... the day things sort of "clicked" for you was an instrumental change in your life and truthfully, all the junk she brings into the house shouldn't even phase you. Ignore it and continue on your journey. Like someone said, if you have to throw it out, then throw it out, unless it is something she eats as well.

However, DO NOT IGNORE HER. Do not try and force her to lose weight or chastise her for not working out with you... instead, when you go to the gym, invite her to come with and if she declines, then so be it. Continue to include her... do not patronize her, do not make negative comments... continue doing what you need to do for yourself.

Change is very difficult for some people and it does take time for them to adjust... sometimes they never make that adjustment and it may be time to move on... but that is a totally different scenario. For now, you need to take care of yourself. She will have to learn to deal with her insecurities and do something about it.

As for the guy who mentioned he found another woman to talk to about his wife -- don't be so hasty to condemn him... women are complex creatures (I can say that because I am one :happy: )...it may be that the guy just wanted a bit of an insight from another female to try and understand what his wife is going through --- honestly though, I think the comment was made in jest...

chriscrosse

This is the conversation I might have in your place:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.

Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.

Mikkimeow

My husband and I were both thin when he and I met. He had just lost 50 lbs, I was in the best shape of my life, about to start playing college softball. Life happened. He gained 60, I gained 100. We decided to lose weight together. We were both really gung ho about it... for about a week. Then we yo-yoed together and eventually we gave up. He and I split up, and I decided to work on me for a bit. Best decision of my life. We are back together, but during our separation I was able to build the foundation towards a healthy me. I learned to respect myself and not take crap from anyone. I used to get upset when he would eat junk around me or ask to go out to eat. I learned that if I really wanted to succeed, I wouldn't use his choices as an excuse. I can make my own food, eat healthy if we go out, and I have the willpower to say no the crap he brings home. Is it hard sometimes? Yeah. But it is worth it. Sometimes being selfish is the best thing for everyone.

Sit down and have a serious discussion with your wife. Let her know how important this is for you, and ask her to think about you and only bring home healthy things. But let her decide how she wants to live.

Yagisama

She probably isn't aware of what the implications of what she is doing are. She's probably thinking that she is helping by getting you treats. Just have a talk with her.

amw1919

This is the conversation I might have in your place:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.

Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.

^^This^^ Excellent.

akaiookami

I try to walk the middle ground.
My fiance has been fantastic help for the most part with my weight loss. When he cooks, he knows I want a good chunk of lean protein, veggies, not a ton of carbs, and he weighs it all and marks it down. /love. He also knows I workout at 5:30 M-F and need to go to bed early and accommodates me.
BUT... he also has known me from before my weight loss efforts. I am a stress eater. When I am stressed out or upset he continues to offer to go get fast food or desserts and other things that I do NOT need and have absolutely no willpower regarding. He means well, but DANG its hard to turn it down. I am NOT an active person by nature and he has so many wonderfully lazy together activities to suggest that do not jive with what I need.
I am very open to him about my goals and what I want to do to work on my health and it has definitely helped.. BUT.. when all else fails... its on me to decline or ignore food that I shouldn't have or get off my *kitten* to workout when he doesn't want to go.
He knows he needs to lose some weight too and has calorie counted with me and exercised on and off, but no one can light a fire under him but himself.

joansjourney

Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

I completely agree that weight loss is an individual thing, being in a relationship is not. And relationships include discussion of how one feels about something the other is doing that bothers them. I agree with you that he should ignore the food but I also think he should discuss it with her in a rational way so that she won't get defensive. There is a true possibility that she is so used to shopping this way that she doesn't realize that she is doing it.

OP- I am going through something similar, both me and my husband decided to start this journey together. He watched me lose almost 100 lbs a few years ago and I "thought" he finally decided to join me now that I need to get this baby weight off. Well we joined a gym, he bought weights for home, and we both purchased new workout attire. I work my butt off and he does nothing. He will still stop at fast food restaurants and bring home donuts (he loves all baked goods) and I usually won't touch them. I know that he isn't trying to sabotage me but he sees me doing it and right now he just has no motivation. I just lead by example and ask him if he wants to join me on gym days or if he wants to do a p90x workout with me. I see him coming around slightly but my journey is my own and I need to do this for me so I resist the temptation (usually, I believe moderation is key).

PinkyFett

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.




Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

wartburgkate

I agree with you! Dont' do that! Talk to your wife if you are concerned, not to anybody else!

Everburg16

My husband is thin... he always has been... so in the past he has done things to sabotage my weight loss. He's a great cook and he'll always say "it's ok you can have a bigger portion of this" or "you can have a 2nd glass of wine" and he told me once he thought I would think he wasn't good enough for me when I lost all the extra weight (i've always been a little heavy the whole time we've been together) That was a few years ago and this time around he really supports me. We just had to sit down and talk about it and I told him that I'm not going anywhere... I'm not trying to lose weight so guys will pay more attention to me or anything like that... just for me so I will feel better about myself and be healthier. Now, he's totally in my corner. He weighs out my food when he cooks and is with me 100%. I think you just need to sit down and have a conversation and tell her how you feel and make a plan together. Maybe she's scared of such a big change in her life and she just needs to be able to take one baby step at a time. Good luck!

THIS. My Husband did the same thing, thought I was going to leave him. I sat him down and talked to him, told him how I felt and reassured him and he stopped trying to sabotage me (BTW, he was bringing home donuts too! LOL). Talking to your Wife about this is important, OP. Do not ignore it, or it will cause major problems. Explain how you feel about her doing this, ask her why she is, how she feels about this, and reassure her.