Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues

meltedsno

she is, no doubt, feeling insecure... probably a little jealous, a little worried that suddenly you will decide that you will lose interest in her and want to move on.

If you are like me... the day things sort of "clicked" for you was an instrumental change in your life and truthfully, all the junk she brings into the house shouldn't even phase you. Ignore it and continue on your journey. Like someone said, if you have to throw it out, then throw it out, unless it is something she eats as well.

However, DO NOT IGNORE HER. Do not try and force her to lose weight or chastise her for not working out with you... instead, when you go to the gym, invite her to come with and if she declines, then so be it. Continue to include her... do not patronize her, do not make negative comments... continue doing what you need to do for yourself.

Change is very difficult for some people and it does take time for them to adjust... sometimes they never make that adjustment and it may be time to move on... but that is a totally different scenario. For now, you need to take care of yourself. She will have to learn to deal with her insecurities and do something about it.

As for the guy who mentioned he found another woman to talk to about his wife -- don't be so hasty to condemn him... women are complex creatures (I can say that because I am one :happy: )...it may be that the guy just wanted a bit of an insight from another female to try and understand what his wife is going through --- honestly though, I think the comment was made in jest...

chriscrosse

This is the conversation I might have in your place:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.

Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.

Mikkimeow

My husband and I were both thin when he and I met. He had just lost 50 lbs, I was in the best shape of my life, about to start playing college softball. Life happened. He gained 60, I gained 100. We decided to lose weight together. We were both really gung ho about it... for about a week. Then we yo-yoed together and eventually we gave up. He and I split up, and I decided to work on me for a bit. Best decision of my life. We are back together, but during our separation I was able to build the foundation towards a healthy me. I learned to respect myself and not take crap from anyone. I used to get upset when he would eat junk around me or ask to go out to eat. I learned that if I really wanted to succeed, I wouldn't use his choices as an excuse. I can make my own food, eat healthy if we go out, and I have the willpower to say no the crap he brings home. Is it hard sometimes? Yeah. But it is worth it. Sometimes being selfish is the best thing for everyone.

Sit down and have a serious discussion with your wife. Let her know how important this is for you, and ask her to think about you and only bring home healthy things. But let her decide how she wants to live.

Yagisama

She probably isn't aware of what the implications of what she is doing are. She's probably thinking that she is helping by getting you treats. Just have a talk with her.

amw1919

This is the conversation I might have in your place:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.

Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.

^^This^^ Excellent.

akaiookami

I try to walk the middle ground.
My fiance has been fantastic help for the most part with my weight loss. When he cooks, he knows I want a good chunk of lean protein, veggies, not a ton of carbs, and he weighs it all and marks it down. /love. He also knows I workout at 5:30 M-F and need to go to bed early and accommodates me.
BUT... he also has known me from before my weight loss efforts. I am a stress eater. When I am stressed out or upset he continues to offer to go get fast food or desserts and other things that I do NOT need and have absolutely no willpower regarding. He means well, but DANG its hard to turn it down. I am NOT an active person by nature and he has so many wonderfully lazy together activities to suggest that do not jive with what I need.
I am very open to him about my goals and what I want to do to work on my health and it has definitely helped.. BUT.. when all else fails... its on me to decline or ignore food that I shouldn't have or get off my *kitten* to workout when he doesn't want to go.
He knows he needs to lose some weight too and has calorie counted with me and exercised on and off, but no one can light a fire under him but himself.

joansjourney

Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

I completely agree that weight loss is an individual thing, being in a relationship is not. And relationships include discussion of how one feels about something the other is doing that bothers them. I agree with you that he should ignore the food but I also think he should discuss it with her in a rational way so that she won't get defensive. There is a true possibility that she is so used to shopping this way that she doesn't realize that she is doing it.

OP- I am going through something similar, both me and my husband decided to start this journey together. He watched me lose almost 100 lbs a few years ago and I "thought" he finally decided to join me now that I need to get this baby weight off. Well we joined a gym, he bought weights for home, and we both purchased new workout attire. I work my butt off and he does nothing. He will still stop at fast food restaurants and bring home donuts (he loves all baked goods) and I usually won't touch them. I know that he isn't trying to sabotage me but he sees me doing it and right now he just has no motivation. I just lead by example and ask him if he wants to join me on gym days or if he wants to do a p90x workout with me. I see him coming around slightly but my journey is my own and I need to do this for me so I resist the temptation (usually, I believe moderation is key).

PinkyFett

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.




Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

wartburgkate

I agree with you! Dont' do that! Talk to your wife if you are concerned, not to anybody else!

Everburg16

My husband is thin... he always has been... so in the past he has done things to sabotage my weight loss. He's a great cook and he'll always say "it's ok you can have a bigger portion of this" or "you can have a 2nd glass of wine" and he told me once he thought I would think he wasn't good enough for me when I lost all the extra weight (i've always been a little heavy the whole time we've been together) That was a few years ago and this time around he really supports me. We just had to sit down and talk about it and I told him that I'm not going anywhere... I'm not trying to lose weight so guys will pay more attention to me or anything like that... just for me so I will feel better about myself and be healthier. Now, he's totally in my corner. He weighs out my food when he cooks and is with me 100%. I think you just need to sit down and have a conversation and tell her how you feel and make a plan together. Maybe she's scared of such a big change in her life and she just needs to be able to take one baby step at a time. Good luck!

THIS. My Husband did the same thing, thought I was going to leave him. I sat him down and talked to him, told him how I felt and reassured him and he stopped trying to sabotage me (BTW, he was bringing home donuts too! LOL). Talking to your Wife about this is important, OP. Do not ignore it, or it will cause major problems. Explain how you feel about her doing this, ask her why she is, how she feels about this, and reassure her.

marissanik

Younger MFP here, 20 years old family of 4. My mom likes to fill her pantry with sweets, cook everything with butter and lots more butter, and fry everything. I started my vegetarianism at the age of 16, and from then on I was pretty much alone on making meals. When I got into fitness, same thing. They still buy the same junk and don't change their habits, although I have influenced them to eat slightly better. It's all about your determination and will power. You should discuss with her the possibility of her maybe buying less of what you love. I also like to have a separate shelf in my pantry for only my good snacks, that way I'm not tempted to reach anywhere else. Best of luck resolving your issues.

MMulder68

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

Not good advice. This will DEFINTELY ruin your marriage!

Nightstar76

Maybe she feels insecure because she doesnt have the same willpower as you. It is probably more about her and her insecurities. Some spouses feel that you will find another person when you lose weight. She might feel like you are judging her. Try to talk to her when emotions arent running high .

I agree with the above, she might be scared that you will leave her if you lose all of the weight. She might be sabotaging you out of fear!

logg1e

Is there anyone else reading some of these posts with their mouth open?

laurie04427

Well my hubby doesn't need to lose weight like I do, he's pretty athletic actually, so he will occasionally indulge in things I'm trying to avoid, but he tends to pick things that aren't as tempting to me. He partly does this so he has dibs on the whole thing lol but partly to help me out because he knows I'm trying to cut weight but don't have the best discipline sometimes.

If your wife is buying things to really sabotage you though you have a problem and you're really going to have to discuss that with her.

bingo_jenn

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

I'm pickin' up what you're puttin' down.

julekinz

I had lost almost fifty lbs when my husband finally let his true colors show. He was insecure and thought I was cheating, losing weight for someone else. He also didn't believe I was going to the track alone-which I do because I don't go to chat, I go to walk-fast. So, I stopped going to the track-gained back half of the weight I'd lost, and one day my doctor got onto me-told me I was heading for diabetes, heart disease; etc. She put me on medicine and set a goal of a 20% loss. I went home and explained to my family-my children are my greatest support-that I had to make permanent changes for my health. This was last November. Guess who"s husband gave her four boxes of candy/chocolates for Christmas?!

dopeysmelly

Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.

Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.

What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.

How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.

Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.

She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.

Stay focused!

I agree with this (and, yes, I AM married!). First off, letting all the junk pile up will demonstrate visually to your wife just how committed you are to your own health (without you needing to say a word), and may inspire her to focus on her own health. Plus, she is probably buying you your faves because she loves you and wants you to be happy. If she brings up the subject, just give her alternative suggestions of how she already makes you happy which isn't related to food, weight, size etc.

greentart

Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

I highly disagree.Things that affect the SELF affect the RELATIONSHIP and the OTHER. You see it as it being an issue of boundaries, but I know for a fact that my fiancé doesn't want to do the grocery shopping. Therefore, if he's trying to eat healthier and has made it clear that he is, me buying sugary *kitten* is a clear case of sabotage and it needs to be addressed.

On top of that, letting it pile up is just a huge waste of money. He needs to sit down and talk to her, about how he appreciates that she's thinking of him but that he's no longer eating those kinds of foods. That if she wants to treat him, she can make a fruit salad or a delicious veggy dish!

By no means can he make her exercise with him or diet with him, but if she's specifically buying these items for him, there's probably an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed.

Sorry, but in a serious, long term relationship, you can't just sweep things under the rug.

SezxyStef

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.




Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

Yup this is me...I am in a house with 2 men...well..sort of..anyway different post...

I buy the groceries...I do the cooking...I am the one losing weight and working out...

I buy oreos, fudgeo's, froster flakes, fruit loops, jeez I made a brownie bottomed peanut butter cup cheesecake...I buy the rice, the toaster strudles, the ice cream, I make the cookies, that pasta with white sauce, the french fries...I make it all...

Am I sabatoging myself? Nope so what makes you think your wife is sabatoging you...eat what you want just stay in your deficit...

I don't get why people esp married people feel their spouse is sabatoging them when they bring food into the house...are they taping you to a chair and force feeding you? NO...

your weight and what you put in your mouth is your responsibility...

And my advice...why even bring it up? why have a chat with her.? she bought the groceries say thanks hunneh..you the best, grab a donut, eat and be thankful she bought the food.

PS my advice is the same for women who say the same thing.

jwooley13

I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Things that definitely DON'T help:
- Nagging
- Talking excessively about your success
- Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
- Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

Things that have worked:
- Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
- Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
- Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
- Asking him for help when I feel challenged

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.

oChristyo

Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.

Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.

What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.

How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.

Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.

She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.

Stay focused!

⬆⬆ this⬆⬆

oChristyo

I also want to add that since I have started cooking healthy for my family my husband has lost 13 pounds. Now he is logging his calories everyday because he's seeing a difference. Maybe you could cook for her?

MomTo3Lovez

I would just let it be. If you can fit it in to your deficit then have a treat every now and again. If you are the type that can't stop at just one thing then just avoid it altogether. Youw ill be put in situations where there is food you shouldn't eat like at parties...just don't have any.

When your wife is ready she will do it...if it starts affecting your relationship then you should talk to her.

Good luck!

JasonKnight85

I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Things that definitely DON'T help:
- Nagging
- Talking excessively about your success
- Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
- Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

Things that have worked:
- Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
- Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
- Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
- Asking him for help when I feel challenged

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.

This, yep, this right here.

Your wife should be your best support system, in a perfect world, but the world isn't perfect... so...

Be her's!

Encourage anything healthy she does, invite her on walks or to the gym, go at her pace when she is with you, and encourage her to ramp it up a little each time. You're married, be a team.

And jwooley13's junk food suggestion, priceless and efficient. I would just ask, "Were these for me?" First, lol. Don't want your spouse to be like... where's mah cookies?!

bergpa

For a long time I blamed my husband for bringing treats home but the truth is that I'm the only one who puts food in my mouth. These days he could open an ice cream shop in our kitchen and a bakery in the dining room and it wouldn't change what I eat.

julekinz

I had lost almost fifty lbs when my husband finally let his true colors show. He was insecure and thought I was cheating, losing weight for someone else. He also didn't believe I was going to the track alone-which I do because I don't go to chat, I go to walk-fast. So, I stopped going to the track-gained back half of the weight I'd lost, and one day my doctor got onto me-told me I was heading for diabetes, heart disease; etc. She put me on medicine and set a goal of a 20% loss. I went home and explained to my family-my children are my greatest support-that I had to make permanent changes for my health. This was last November. Guess who"s husband gave her four boxes of candy/chocolates for Christmas?!

I do not push this on my family (well, that's a little fib, I do try to get the girls to try fruits and veggies-that's always a battle and urge them to make healthy choices, but I don't want them to feel like they need to "diet" or that I'm depriving them of the things they love or they'll be trying to sabotage me, too). I buy things for myself keep it separate from their snacks and goodies, and try to make yummy, balanced meals that don't appear to be "diet". I have gotten to where I am pretty private about my success or lack of.

osothefinn

Plus, she is probably buying you your faves because she loves you and wants you to be happy.

LOL. Yep, sure. Sweety, you're doing so good on the weightloss I got you a box of Captain Crunch. :P

dopeysmelly

Youw ill be put in situations where there is food you shouldn't eat like at parties...just don't have any.

Totally this!!

VaporeonSugar

My guy ended up jumping right off the support bandwagon as soon as I started eating healthier. He eats out almost every single day for every meal and tries to get me to do the same. Friday he ordered pizza, McDonald's and then took me out to lunch the next day. I have to basically lie and say I'm not hungry so we can skip the next meal instead of him suggesting another 900 calorie option for a meal. I've been eating really healthy for a little over a week now, besides snacks, and he seems annoyed by it. We bought healthy stuff at the store that he wanted at the time and now he refuses to let me pack the lunches he wanted and gets snappy with me.

When someone in the relationship tries to lose weight, it usually goes really bad. The other person doesn't support you or you're doing it for them because they say you're too fat even if you're not. Just keep trying for yourself and try to talk to her about it if it gets out of hand. If she refuses to be supportive and continues to try and sabotage, take grocery shopping or cooking into your own hands. Something might break, but you need to get healthy for you. I know that me doing this is helping destroy my relationship, but I want to be able to be healthy enough to live my life out.