Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues

julekinz

I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Things that definitely DON'T help:
- Nagging
- Talking excessively about your success
- Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
- Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

Things that have worked:
- Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
- Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
- Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
- Asking him for help when I feel challenged

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.

The "come and get it" approach is totally doable. I love to use that one especially after holidays!!

GabrielWJ

Sorry, but in a serious, long term relationship, you can't just sweep things under the rug.

I am the king of confrontation and communication - I've learned that it is absolutely VITAL to know what is the self and what is the relationship.

If you are with someone, you are with the entirety of who they are and where they are at. Period. You accept them 100% and they accept you 100% - you even accept when they don't accept or that they don't accept and hopefully vice versa, but it doesn't matter.

Let her waste all the money by letting things pile up - it can't be more expensive than a big compulsive buy that we all make here and there.

Now let's tell jokes! This is getting too serious!

What did the Buddhist monk tell the hot dog stand attendee?
Make me one with everything!

jtrack3d

I think a picture is forming here from the comments.

Junk food exists.
You can't make it go away.
You can't control what she chooses to buy or eat so having it around is a great test.

So...
Don't eat it
Stick with your plan
Lead by example.
Make your own meals.
Continue every day to invite her to participate, even if she always says no.

Then... the rest is her choice, not yours.

ahoy_m8

I think a picture is forming here from the comments.

Junk food exists.
You can't make it go away.
You can't control what she chooses to buy or eat so having it around is a great test.

So...
Don't eat it
Stick with your plan
Lead by example.
Make your own meals.
Continue every day to invite her to participate, even if she always says no.

Then... the rest is her choice, not yours.

great synopsis.

MrsMajor87

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

You can't be serious? If I was your wife your *kitten* would be locked out of the house.

Marlena0708

I would just let it go. You can't control your spouse and if she chooses not to get on board the weight and fitness train, that is her prerogative. Don't comment on the junk food she's bringing in. If she doesn't also buy healthy options then either go to the grocery yourself or ask her to pick up some <whatever> for you next time she shops.

Don't nag/complain/confront. When you're getting ready to go to the gym, ask her if she'd like to come. If she says, "No", just say, "OK, babe. See you in about an hour. Love you!" and walk out the door.

Lead by example; words are not necessary. She's a grown adult and the consequences are on her. If she becomes insecure, upset, and resentful as your health, fitness and appearance improve then those are issues she's going to have to face and deal with.

My two cents.

ahoy_m8

I HAVE heard of the connection between one spouse losing huge weight and the marriage hitting the rocks, but I heard a slightly different version from you. It's not the weight loss that causes marriage trouble; it's marriage uncertainty that prompts someone to work on themselves.

Anywho, I typically gain a few in the summer and lose it in the fall. After a couple years marriage, I asked hubby (who had a lot to lose) if he wanted to do it together. He didn't really. Lasted about a week. Two years later, he told me he was ready to lose that weight and asked for my support. He did and has kept it off 3 years and counting. People just have to come to it on their own time.

I agree with the posters suggesting she may not be aware what she's doing. After all, you are the one who has changed. She is doing what she has always done.

P.S. I like the suggestion to request an insanely expensive health food. haha! That would grab attention! But maybe not in a good way. :huh:

mfp2014mfp

Sorry, but in a serious, long term relationship, you can't just sweep things under the rug.

I am the king of confrontation and communication - I've learned that it is absolutely VITAL to know what is the self and what is the relationship.

If you are with someone, you are with the entirety of who they are and where they are at. Period. You accept them 100% and they accept you 100% - you even accept when they don't accept or that they don't accept and hopefully vice versa, but it doesn't matter.

Let her waste all the money by letting things pile up - it can't be more expensive than a big compulsive buy that we all make here and there.

Now let's tell jokes! This is getting too serious!

What did the Buddhist monk tell the hot dog stand attendee?
Make me one with everything!

You have had some great thoughts on this discussion, I hope the OP takes the time to read everyones feedback.
As for me, my SO has been supportive from day 1 and then 3 months into my journey he started his own.
Not all journeys are smooth, but give your wife the benefit of the doubt :flowerforyou: you never know whats around the corner.

Commander_Keen

Throw out the food.. all of it.. if you can't it. and your afraid to fail.. just trash it, until you make your goal.

aarnwine2013

Junk food and bad food choices are everywhere. You have to be the one to say no. You can't force her to change and buy healthy food.

I still buy food for my girls and my husband that isn't healthy or considered junk. I just avoid it.

Good luck!

DCarter1701

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.




Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

Agreed. I'm also in a family of 6, and one thing I really hated when I started on my journey was the plastic cauldron of candy my husband has on top of the fridge--it's for the kids to have a mini candy bar for dessert if they want one, and they usually only get any after dinner. BUT it's there, it's chocolate, and for a long time I had a hard time keeping my paws out of it. And at first I was disgruntled about it, and thought we were just being indulgent parents, having candy around the house, and then I woke up and realized I'm a damn adult who can control her own food intake.

My husband is very supportive of my fitness goals and new way of eating, but he is not going to be cool with me tossing out all the treats the kids are used to having. Plus, they're good kids and they're really good about self-regulating, possibly because sugar hasn't been a forbidden fruit to them all these years.

sweetcurlz67

Things that have worked:
- Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
- Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
- Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
- Asking him for help when I feel challenged

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

glad those worked for you but they don't work for everyone! I tried EVERYTHING and my ex did not give a rat's *kitten*... PERIOD... just keepin' it real...

essjay76

Simple. You're wookinpanub in all the wrong places!!

thavoice

My wife is the one who wanted to join a gym and get in shape. We were both 50-70 lbs overweight. I was reluctant to try because of so many failed attempts but then a switch went off. I am on track to meet my goal (lose 60 lbs) by Labor Day. My wife has exercised very sporadically and continues with bad diet habits. She eats out just about every day and yesterday I get home and she has gone to the grocery. On the counter I find 2 boxes of my favorite donuts. She has made cup cakes. In the pantry are my favorite sugar cereals. Not sure if she is trying to sabotage my weight loss plan. She also continues to drink almost daily. Sometimes a couple and sometimes much more.

I have read stories where one spouse loses significant weight and the other does not and it causes issues. Has this happened to anyone here? Please share your experience or recommendations.

She probably is trying to sabatoge you.

Continue to eat healthy, do the right things and lose your weight. If she doesnt catch on then it is her issues, not yours.

Make it a game of how much of that garbage you can resist.

beamer0821

REAL communication is key in a relationship. its not enough to think "she knows I'm on a diet why buy this stuff" you need to be direct with your feelings.

"wife, I'm trying to take care of myself and when you buy this cereal and donuts it makes it really hard for me to make good food choices. can you please not buy these things i really need your support"

try that and then see what happens. if you;re like any overweight person we've tried a diet 1000 times. sometimes family members dont know when to take us seriously that we are going to stick with it and unfortunately maybe thats how she is thinking? i dunno...talk to her

Phrick

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.




Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

Yup this is me...I am in a house with 2 men...well..sort of..anyway different post...

I buy the groceries...I do the cooking...I am the one losing weight and working out...

I buy oreos, fudgeo's, froster flakes, fruit loops, jeez I made a brownie bottomed peanut butter cup cheesecake...I buy the rice, the toaster strudles, the ice cream, I make the cookies, that pasta with white sauce, the french fries...I make it all...

Am I sabatoging myself? Nope so what makes you think your wife is sabatoging you...eat what you want just stay in your deficit...

I don't get why people esp married people feel their spouse is sabatoging them when they bring food into the house...are they taping you to a chair and force feeding you? NO...

your weight and what you put in your mouth is your responsibility...

And my advice...why even bring it up? why have a chat with her.? she bought the groceries say thanks hunneh..you the best, grab a donut, eat and be thankful she bought the food.

PS my advice is the same for women who say the same thing.

+10, I'm the only one in my home who is actively watching their intake and exercising with any serious intent (hubby walks with me almost daily but continues his ****ty eating habits and loses nothing. Then blames his thyroid. :grumble: but that's a different rant for never.) I cook and bake delicious meals and treats because It's not up to me to decide for anyone else what they should eat and because I made the decision this time that I was not going to "diet" any more with the definition that comes to mind for most people when they think of losing weight - I made the focus on eating LESS rather than cutting anything out. So when my husband inevitably says "I want to stop for doughnuts on Sunday," it's on me if I say yes, and make it fit in my day, or if I pass. It's not on him, it's all on me.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.


Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

I agree with this, but the OP didn't say his wife was buying junk food that she likes, for her consumption; he said she bought his favorite doughnuts and his favorite sugary cereals. There is a difference between not expecting others to give up foods they like and having others bring home junk food geared specifically to you.

For example, I don't expect my boyfriend to not buy his chips or soda or whatever snacks that he likes. But that is totally different than if he came home with sweets and candy that I like, for me to eat. I am under no obligation to eat either, but the intent of the latter needs to be addressed if he knows I am doing my best not to eat those and would prefer to buy them myself when I decide they fit into my calories for that day.

That conversation has already taken place in our relationship, and we are both good with it. Whether that kind of conversation or expectation has been discussed between the OP and his wife, I don't know. It should be, if it hasn't already.

Pirate_chick

Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.

Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.

What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.

How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.

Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.

She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.

Stay focused!

agreed!

0somuchbetter0

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

I would listen to this guy. Look at his profile pic -- he not only went from blob to wowiewowow he actually changed his race!

kgeyser

My wife is the one who wanted to join a gym and get in shape. We were both 50-70 lbs overweight. I was reluctant to try because of so many failed attempts but then a switch went off. I am on track to meet my goal (lose 60 lbs) by Labor Day. My wife has exercised very sporadically and continues with bad diet habits. She eats out just about every day and yesterday I get home and she has gone to the grocery. On the counter I find 2 boxes of my favorite donuts. She has made cup cakes. In the pantry are my favorite sugar cereals. Not sure if she is trying to sabotage my weight loss plan. She also continues to drink almost daily. Sometimes a couple and sometimes much more.

I have read stories where one spouse loses significant weight and the other does not and it causes issues. Has this happened to anyone here? Please share your experience or recommendations.

Approaching this from a different angle, because I'm a woman trying to lose weight who lives with a man who has a daily calorie goal of something like 3000 calories and can eat entire pints of ice cream without gaining. I'm wondering if maybe part of the issue for her is the discrepancy in calorie intakes. Did your wife start trying to lose weight with an extremely aggressive deficit? I'm wondering if maybe she started by going to extremes, did not see the results you were getting (because men lose more easily than women and you found a sustainable plan), and then basically gave up. If she was being super-restrictive, her behavior might be a reaction to that.

The cupcakes and donuts make me think it is less about sabotage and more about trying to reconnect with you, since those were things you used to enjoy together. It would also tie-in to her dieting attempts focusing around restriction and deprivation, rather than moderation (if that is the case). The foods represent happier times for her when the two of you would have fun and it wasn't all about calorie counts and numbers on the scale.

I think you should talk to her about it. I don't think she is sabotaging you, I think she is just frustrated and feeling unhappy that she is not progressing and isn't sure what to do to lose weight. If that's the case, sitting down with her and helping her plan meals, pack a lunch to eat instead of going out, and figuring out how to fit the cupcakes in might really help her get on track.

SezxyStef

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.


Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

I agree with this, but the OP didn't say his wife was buying junk food that she likes, for her consumption; he said she bought his favorite doughnuts and his favorite sugary cereals. There is a difference between not expecting others to give up foods they like and having others bring home junk food geared specifically to you.

For example, I don't expect my boyfriend to not buy his chips or soda or whatever snacks that he likes. But that is totally different than if he came home with sweets and candy that I like, for me to eat. I am under no obligation to eat either, but the intent of the latter needs to be addressed if he knows I am doing my best not to eat those and would prefer to buy them myself when I decide they fit into my calories for that day.

That conversation has already taken place in our relationship, and we are both good with it. Whether that kind of conversation or expectation has been discussed between the OP and his wife, I don't know. It should be, if it hasn't already.

I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...

Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...

It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.

Crateria_

You have to have willpower to say no even if your SO doesn't. My bf eats like a monster, he eats all the things I wish I could eat and a lot of it. But YOU have to be the one to say no regardless of what treats are put before you.

Also, you can have that sugary cereal or that donut, just have moderation. Just because it's there does not mean you are entitled to eat all of it at once. She's attempting to make you happy in a way she knew how to in the past, just guide her in the right direction by stating you no longer want these treats and offer a substitute so she doesn't feel like she effed up by trying to please you.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

This is the conversation I might have in your place:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.

Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.

WINNER WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER.

Look an honest, carrying, up front conversation that expresses your emotions, makes specific requests (instead of expecting her to read minds), shows her you care and supports her.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...

Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...

It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.

When my boyfriend asked how he could help me with my weight loss efforts, that was my only suggestion: not buying me soda or the candy bar that I like, so it's not in the house unless I planned for it in my calories. Simple as that, no policing expected or required.

jenniferhorn87

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

Da *kitten*?

No No No. In My Opinion, You talk to you wife about those problems. They are between you and her. Nothing gets solved by talking about your marriage problems to someone else, UNLESS its a trained/licensed counselor.

I haven't gone through this issue with my SO, but then again, he doesn't have a weight loss goal, but a weight gain goal.

I'm guess that he was joking....

fay_pigu

Just let her know that you are sick of those treats as you have them at your mistresses place all the time. I don't know how many calories in a doughnut suppository but sure it's less than when eaten.

You should know best how to tackle your wife.
My GF did this with wine a while ago, even when I said not to, so I just let it pile up and gave it all away. She got the message that wasting a couple of £hundred wasn't a good idea as it meant no new shoes for a bit. The slight drawback is she now equates my periods of not drinking as open season on shoes.

Phrick

I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.


Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

I agree with this, but the OP didn't say his wife was buying junk food that she likes, for her consumption; he said she bought his favorite doughnuts and his favorite sugary cereals. There is a difference between not expecting others to give up foods they like and having others bring home junk food geared specifically to you.

For example, I don't expect my boyfriend to not buy his chips or soda or whatever snacks that he likes. But that is totally different than if he came home with sweets and candy that I like, for me to eat. I am under no obligation to eat either, but the intent of the latter needs to be addressed if he knows I am doing my best not to eat those and would prefer to buy them myself when I decide they fit into my calories for that day.

That conversation has already taken place in our relationship, and we are both good with it. Whether that kind of conversation or expectation has been discussed between the OP and his wife, I don't know. It should be, if it hasn't already.

I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...

Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...

It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.

When my boyfriend asked how he could help me with my weight loss efforts, that was my only suggestion: not buying me soda or the candy bar that I like, so it's not in the house unless I planned for it in my calories. Simple as that, no policing expected or required.

The thing is, your boyfriend ASKED, and you told him. That doesn't appear to be the case with the OP's. His wife isn't asking, "how can I help you?" That's a totally different conversation than what people are suggesting in this thread. If his wife ASKS then of course he should tell her. But as Stef says I don't really see the point in him initiating the conversation, unless the point is to make her feel like a 2-inch piece of crap under his foot.

rubbie78

I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

Hope this helps.

@Chief_Rocka are you even for real???

Definitely is a joke, just like his profile picture

Wookinpanub

Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.

I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????

LifeWithPie

Simple. You're wookinpanub in all the wrong places!!

{{spits water all over iPad screen}}. LOL x10. :drinker: