A Different Kind of Transformation

cicisiam

Thank you for being so open about feelings so many of us may have, and are not able to to put into words or share.:flowerforyou:

So this post is a little different from others that might be posted on here. Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a huge advocate for self-love and extremely against any type of negative thoughts such as "I'm fat," "I have thunder thighs," "I hate the way I look," etc. but I am not sure everyone knows WHY I am SO adamant about my standpoint on these things.

The pictures below are 4 years and 15 pounds different. Picture one was August 2010, picture two was this week. They don't look too different. I doubt anyone would really be able to tell I'm 15 pounds heavier in the 2nd photo, but there is a HUUUUGE difference in my demeanor, even if you can't see it.

In the first picture I was extremely depressed and 90% of the reason for my depression was appearance-based. I feared food. I feared going out to eat. I had the same exact routine every single day. I had a G2 gatorade for breakfast (60 calories), would go to work, class, etc. Then workout for about 2 hours- run for one hour, lift light weights for another hour. Then I would have a bowl of watermelon around 3:00 PM (about 70 calories). Then, I might have had whatever was being served for dinner at home or at school, but made sure to only fill up 1/3 of my plate with it, and more times than not it was a salad. If I knew I was going out to eat that night, I made sure not to eat a thing all day. I'd have water, that's it. I was certain that happiness would come through being skinny and I wanted that at all costs. I remember going on vacation and crying because I didn't want to put on a bathing suit or refusing to leave my room because I couldn't find anything to wear that "looked good on me." I remember wondering how anyone could like me or even want to date me because of how hideous and "fat" I was. I remember when people would take pictures of me or with me and I had to have them take multiple photos and look through them to "approve" them to share with anyone, just to make sure I looked okay. I lost good relationships and good friendships because of the way I thought about myself and the way I affected others with my constant focus on appearance and food.

The funny thing, to me, is that there is such little difference between these pictures physically, but there is a GIGANTIC difference mentally and emotionally. I don't count calories, but I would guess I eat between 2000 and 2500 daily, probably more like 3000 on the weekends. I have done so much research over the last 4 years on how to be healthy, eat right, exercise right, and get over my fear of food. I am amazingly happy and incredibly healthy both physically and mentally. I rarely look in a mirror now. I workout on my lunch break from work and if I don't have time, I don't have time. I never feel guilty for eating ice cream or CHINESE FOOD. I rarely weigh myself, unless I go to the doctor's (which has been happening a lot lately, which is the reason I know my weight at this moment). I LOVE lifting and get my cardio through Zumba (I'm an instructor). I don't ever force myself to work out in any way that I don't want to anymore. If I don't want to go for a run, I'm not going to go for a run. If I'd rather sit on the couch and cuddle with my fiance and dog, that's what I do. However, just from being so positive and encouraging to myself with my growth, I have a new-found motivation for fitness and staying healthy, which is why I love to go to the gym. I love eating. I love exercising. I love MYSELF, which took a really, really long time to be able to say.




PS. If you can't tell much of a difference..... that's the point. I know I'm going to get responses that say "I don't see a transformation". It was mostly mental. With a little bit of muscle growth.


I want EVERYONE to know that if you are struggling, I am here. There are many others like you here. I went through it, I have friends who have gone through it, and I never ever in a million years thought I'd make it to the other side. I can stand here truthfully today and say that I love every part of myself inside and out- something I couldn't say years ago.

One of my favorite quotes- "I don't care how lean you are, how much you can lift, or what your body fat percentage is. If you aren't happy, you aren't healthy."

You need to love yourself. YOU need to love YOURSELF. You NEED to LOVE yourself! Whatever way you have to get that into your head, do it.


I've been working on a mini bulk for the last however many months. Obviously not keeping track of calories or macros haha but still putting as much work in at the gym as I can. I'm going to attempt a mini cut now.. We'll see how it goes...... I like my food

Current back/arms and leg pics.... because I've been working damn hard.









TL; DR: I used to starve myself, now I don't. And I grew some rockin' muscles somewhere in between.

delazouche

Is it bad that this actually made me tear up a little bit? Really, thanks for this post! I can relate entirely!

huango

You are truly awesome!

I needed this.
I'm constantly pinching my inner thigh or muffin-top and complaining about them or some other "problem".
But I'm healthy! I should be happy.
Working on that. Damage was done during childhood. So I am working on the mental part, along w/ the physical part.

Keep on rocking it!
Amanda

nyboer

That is a great success story. Thank you for sharing.

oedipa_maas

This is the most inspiring post I've read on here (and there are lots of amazing stories!). I needed to read this today. I conquered an eating disorder of 20 years, but *still* can't seem to love myself. And that is crucial for my happiness, my health, and my social life (which is almost nil since I still have a lot of shame and fear about my appearance). You know, if I didn't lose another pound but mentally and emotionally achieved what you have, I would consider it a triumph. Thanks for writing this.

Flissbo

Thanks so much for sharing your story - great to hear that someone has been on a personal journey and come out the otherside in a better place - well done! :flowerforyou:

Amybcb

Very good that you shared your story. Especially for those still struggling with negative thoughts and starvation. Way to go!

JoelleAnn78

Thank you for sharing! This is a beautiful example of how a healthy mind can lead to a healthy body! I rarely see the other way around!

mscleo1115

Bravo! Wonderful success story, keep it up, you look great!

likitisplit

This is one of my favorite transformations ever.

It makes me sad when people talk about how they will be happy and confident when they are thin. Yes, being in shape feels good, but it doesn't really make you happier or like yourself more. Great job on putting the effort in where it counts - on the inside.

P.S. You really can see a difference in muscle, especially your delts.

kaurgagandeep20

awsome
Thanks for sharing info

TLContheGulfCoast

thanks for this
working on this too, exactly where I am at - in between miserable dr.s visit yesterday and therapist tomorrow - it's a damn struggle and still trying to find my way out of that tunnel.

yusineddy

I loved reading your story, thank you so much for sharing it. You look beautiful, keep up the great work!

elliej

Your arms are amazing. This is a great success story!

_HeartsOnFire_

__freckles__

There is so much awesome in here. It's almost unbearable.

kdiamond

I definitely see a transformation - muscle. You had little muscle in the first pic, and now you have sexy muscle! Plus you can eat much more now, isn't that great? You should be VERY proud of yourself, this is the transformation I hope to have all of my clients achieve!! You're awesome!!!

trimom10

A terrific success story, and a long way you have come! Thanks for sharing.

JBcat123

you look so great! love your hair in the first photo! you look great in both!

jennlynlyn

Thank you so much for sharing. This is just as much, if not more, part of the process and I think it gets overlooked sometimes. While it is very inspirational to see dramatic weight loss photos, that's only half of the story. It's really helpful to see someone sharing this personal side of the process since I'm dealing with the same issues. It sounds like you're in a great place now health and relationship-wise! And you look great, too!

SarahBeth0625

You are and have been an amazingly supportive friend on here to me and I am so proud of you for overcoming your struggles and staying strong and becoming confident. You're beautiful inside and out! I am proud to call you a friend. :flowerforyou:

Kitship

Awesome story! :flowerforyou:

aledba

It's really quite beautiful to see your growth and strength. :flowerforyou:

SilentDrapeRunners

Very inspirational and true! I can definitely relate

LeaveMeAtPeace

This thread simply rocks; I really love reading this.:flowerforyou: I might have to read it twice. I have to remind myself constantly that I need to love myself. I've gotten so much closer. And this just brought my mood up 100%, because I know that exact depression (on the opposite end, rather overweight and sank into food). That feeling of not being good enough, not up to standards of others and even though I KNEW how stupid it really all was, that just made me even more sad, because I was the maniac that hated herself and hated going in public and hated sitting in a room full of people because of how I looked.
My mentality has taken a complete turn, I'm with you sister, this feels SO much better. I have my bad days still where I feel like I hate myself. I'm so so close to erasing that. I'm working on it. :drinker: :smooched: :smooched: :smooched: :smooched:

rmillerr2010

Wow! Great great great post! I can relate but in a backwards type of way. I need to figure out how you came to the conclusion to stop thinking the way you did. That is my issue... Thanks for sharing your story!
-Robin

SKME2013

Great inspirational story, thanks!
Stef.

golf4g

All you need is love!!!! Thanks for sharing………..you go girl!

keyer23

Absolutely wonderful story! Love where your head is at! Your statement on "if you aren't happy, you aren't healthy", is so wise. Good for you for getting past your fear of food. You look WONDERFUL and to know you feel great is even better!

DawnEH612

I am all about the mental transformation.. In releasing my mental demons I lost 50 pounds.. People ask how I feel.. I say despite feeling better physically the internal changes feel the best! It's true. Keep up the great work you're a positive role model and great inspiration!