Incredibly sad

Fugeela

Okay, so I have not posted on here in a while in terms of a thread. But last year this time I was feeling the same way, but I was a lot smaller than I am now, and now I feel just absolutely sick and ridiculous, I can't be happy.

I see a therapist. Over the winter I put on quite a bit of pounds, and a lot of body fat. I feel so worthless and undesirable as a young woman. I am a musician and cannot be happy or find any confidence in my ugly and terrible repulsive body because it is just ridiculous and so damn stupid. I am thankful to be alive, and to be 'healthy' but I am not content and happy about my condition. I would love to for once be stunned with my growth and progress, but everyday is the same. I am just so ugly and repulsive and this does not make it better. I know not to say these things about myself but I am fed up and telling the truth. It hinders my truth as a young woman and makes me unable to function well socially and in my personal life.

I believe beauty is who you are as a person not your physical disposition, but I am tired of being so ugly and just disgusting. This stupid body has no strength whatsoever, flab everywhere now, I have a massive back that resembles The Great Wall of China everytime I look at it.

I know this is a very negative thread but I am coming from a place of sadness, frustration, and depression because of this. I have worried about my weight all my life because people have commented on it. I am a 110-100 pounds smaller than I once was years ago in my early teens but still ugly and repulsive and have not grown mentally with this issue ever. I want to grow, I want to love my body, but it is disgusting.

I have plans for my day, and as an artist this stifles my creativity because all I think about is how hideous and fat I am, and disgusting. I do my best to exercise, more than once a day, because I am desperate to see a change, and no stinking change. Just still ugly and fat. I hate this so much. I see a counselor, and unfortunately, I have not grown from this. I don't want to be this negative sad girl anymore, I want to grow, but I hate what I see.

I am not giving up but I just feel fed up with this it disables me causing me to not progress and consumes me because this is something that holds me back in my life.

I looked in the mirror and just felt to hurt myself, and though I would not do so, I just can't seem to get anxious. I want to practice my music but I am stuck thinking about how disgusting my body is and how badly I want to go to the gym for hours and workout and not give up everyday.

Now I have intense back fat that I had at 160, at 140, last year I was at 134 and looked completely thinner although I thought I was repulsive then (still wanted to lose twenty pounds). I am young and should not be this ugly and massive, it just hurts my soul to know that this is me.

I would just like some encouragement.

I just feel to ball my eyes out. I am tired of people telling me I am okay and don't need to lose any weight they are liars and trying to stop me from accomplishing my desires, and think that this ugliness is acceptable. By the way, I am ugly in appearance in general, but me having weight on makes it worse.

I can't do this. I just want to be 118-120, and low body fat, strong, fit, healthy, happy, and beautiful. I want to see how different my face looks ( I pray very difference if I slim down, in hopes I will look different) I can't be stuck like this. I've hit a plateau and I want this demon of appearance to stop plaguing me.

I am just looking for some encouragement because I don't have any friends, as this makes me unable to do much. I just obsess over what I eat, exercise, and my looks because it is horrible and causes a lot of problems in my life, as it has for all of my life.

Helloitsdan

Hey love.

Smile! If you need a friend, ask. If you need training advice, ask. If you need help understanding basic physiology, ask. If you are looking for encouragement, ask. Simply reach out and ask.

I'll ask you this: Is therapy helping?
How long have you been going?
What are your expectations from the therapist?
What are your expectations from this online forum?

We all come across bumps in the road. Its up to you to go over it and stop looking back. Its why the windshield is much larger than the rear view mirror.

Hugs.

yopeeps025

Hey love.

Smile! If you need a friend, ask. If you need training advice, ask. If you need help understanding basic physiology, ask. If you are looking for encouragement, ask. Simply reach out and ask.

I'll ask you this: Is therapy helping?
How long have you been going?
What are your expectations from the therapist?
What are your expectations from this online forum?

We all come across bumps in the road. Its up to you to go over it and stop looking back. Its why the windshield is much larger than the rear view mirror.

Hugs.

+1 please everyone wait to reply to this. She has question to answer that will help us help her better.

AllOutof_Bubblegum

It seems like you are suffering from a severe case of body dysmorphia, because the average person (I don't want to say "normal" and infer that you are not a normal person) would be very proud--thrilled, even--to have your body. I see you mentioned seeing a therapist, and that's great, but perhaps you should switch to one with more training and experience in treating dysmorphia and body image issues? Because there is nothing wrong with your body. You look pretty great, actually. And I'm not blowing smoke. That's just not something I do, ever.

Fugeela

Hey love.

Smile! If you need a friend, ask. If you need training advice, ask. If you need help understanding basic physiology, ask. If you are looking for encouragement, ask. Simply reach out and ask.

I'll ask you this: Is therapy helping?
How long have you been going?
What are your expectations from the therapist?
What are your expectations from this online forum?

We all come across bumps in the road. Its up to you to go over it and stop looking back. Its why the windshield is much larger than the rear view mirror.

Hugs.

Thank you for answering me, I really appreciate this. I am very anxious at the moment and confused and sad, and just feel terrible, and ungrateful/worthless because of these terrible vain thoughts that consume the good in me. She is a grat listener and sometimes give input but not always any coping mechanisms. I want this to go away. It's been around my whole young life and I refuse to have this plague me forever. I'm too young and have visions but this stifles them completely.

I've been seeing my therapist for exactly a year this week, I got her through an outpatient program as I was hospitalized on watch for this feeling last year and a few other frustrations because this is a big cause for many things.
My expectations for myfitnesspal is to feel connected to others who go through what I do and those who don't to change my inner perspective, health, mind/body/spirit, to achieve a lifestyle of love and not self hate. I get inspired looking at everyone progressing but never progress myself.

I just want to be a support for others, and gain insight into what self love and care really is about while accomplishing what I want that I never seem to get.

Hugs back to you thank you for asking.

I have recently thought to find a new therapist because it is getting really terrible. everyday, every second, I battle with this.

Fugeela

It seems like you are suffering from a severe case of body dysmorphia, because the average person (I don't want to say "normal" and infer that you are not a normal person) would be very proud--thrilled, even--to have your body. I see you mentioned seeing a therapist, and that's great, but perhaps you should switch to one with more training and experience in treating dysmorphia and body image issues? Because there is nothing wrong with your body. You look pretty great, actually. And I'm not blowing smoke. That's just not something I do, ever.

I very much appreciate your comments, as I know you are genuine so thank you. But I feel repulsive as a young girl and just fed up. I am not a superficial person so it is strange that something so superficial ruins and consumes me, only about myself. I hate feeling this way and have for years, and even worse now because I want to look great, and be strong, and look different for the better. I hate being this ugly girl, and I am plagued with this.

I know to look forward and not look back, but for some reason it's easier for me to feel deeply about this because I am obsessed with this and can't really take myself or life seriously with this.

yopeeps025

We MFP mates are here to help however we can. DO you know what kind of therapist you are seeing? What school of psychology she studied? This will tell me how she might be counseling you.

Fugeela

We MFP mates are here to help however we can. DO you know what kind of therapist you are seeing? What school of psychology she studied? This will tell me how she might be counseling you.

Thank you for the help and concern, I hope to be of help to others someday in someway.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what type of therapist she is, nor what she went to school for. But it doesn't seem to be an interactive sort, she listens, gives input, brief insight, and for an hour every week. But no real progress has been made after different insights, I can be doing well and then come back to this.

Meerataila

I remember it's hard to look to the future when you're young. I vaguely do remember that. But try. What are you going to do if you ever decide you want kids? Adopt so your body won't change? Are you going to allot massive amounts of your income to future plastic surgeries as you age? Because it's all downhill from here, kiddo. Especially certain parts. You can't stop gravity without spending a whole lot of money. And are you going to end up with that permanently surprised face-lift expression rather than allow your face to be graced by a few wrinkles?

I'm all for looking how we each want to look, and I have some very high standards myself (especially for someone my age) but the monster known as reality, tough as it is to acknowledge sometimes, is out there. We can only do so much to look like we were born into a long line of super models. Sounds like you're putting everything else you have on hold for this one aspect of life. But if you aren't planning a career on a runway, is that really a good allocation of your energies?

Are you sure you're not over-focusing on this one issue because you're scared to move forward and risk failure in some other part of your life? Sometimes that happens. Take hold of the rest of your future now while you're young and full of energy. When you get where you want to be, if you still don't like your looks, then you can worry about it.

yopeeps025

Let her know your next session that you do not seem to feel any better about yourself. A full year with no benefit progress. I find that unacceptable for a therapist. BTW I want to be one in the future.

ChaoticSilhouette

Hi Fugeela, let me first start out by saying that just through what you've written I can tell that you are a very beautiful person with a deeply full soul-- and your photos (whether current or not) give no indication of being fat, however I know that is NO consolation because only one's self can ultimately dictate the way they see themselves. But for the record, I (and others in everyday life I'm sure) can honestly see you for more worth and substance than you believe.

I think it is amazing that you see a therapist and I really hope that you are comfortable enough with them so see yourself eventually making progress-- honestly, you may have already without even realizing it. You mentioned being in this place a year ago and I'll say with experience that even getting out of it again, it may happen again-- it's all about having the tools to pull yourself out because it truly is a cycle that comes in waves. I've experienced a range of emotional and psychological issues since child/teen hood, including this depression and anxiety, to the point where it's unbelievable how much it progresses into adulthood and the ways in which it changes-- some aspects for the better, but worse more often than not in some cases. I saw multiple counselors over the years as it is very hard to find the right one and even harder to work up the courage to fully open up to them, but currently I hate to admit this but I am afraid to find another as much as I know I could benefit at this point.

I think you are a very strong woman for reaching out-- that is one thing I myself struggle with being in a pretty similar situation. A lot of my anxiety and sadness stems from issues of my appearance, but it has grown so much to turn me into a reclusive and silent basket case that makes me feel like a horrible person all around because when you feel so disgusted with yourself it is very hard to fully be there for anyone else. Then when I do feel even remotely social, I feel like an A-hole to reach out after so much time so resorting back to hermit-hood seems like the only option because of that overly self consciousness and hyper anxiety (both general and social). As cliche as this sounds, it is so true: you have taken the first step having seeked help in a couple of venues. As much help that is accepted though, it is ultimately up to ourselves to do the real "fixing" and that part really never ends for people with emotional problems but it DOES get better once we learn to somewhat healthily manage these feelings when they start flooding in time after time.

Being artist, I suggest you use this as an outlet if you haven't already. I've been slacking in this lately, but it's safe to say that it's yet again another thing I am afraid of solidifying which may be the case for you as well. Write it out. All of it, put it all down in your own poetic words. Everything you have felt, do feel, everything you want for yourself and don't want for yourself. Write up little positive notes regarding your attributes you do take pride in and post around your mirror. Write a song or poem or story or a letter to yourself. For some this turns into a dwelling session which can in turn be more destructive, but for deeply internal people it is sometimes the only way to deal and put it all into a perspective we can understand and appreciate.

Even as you said that beauty is deeper than physical appearance, I know that it's so much easier to believe that when it comes to others but extremely hard to take fith in that notion when it comes to yourself. It is so hard to change the way you see yourself, believe me I know, but there will come a day when you hone in every skill you've got to bring yourself to that point where you are at the very least comfortable. It'll take a long while, but it'll come. I've had to gather every last bit of faith to believe that for myself since I am right there on the road with you, but I do believe it can happen for you as well. Whatever your list of ultimate goals contains; it is a long journey that can go from every extreme and trade one deficit for another, it will stabalize, feel stalled (as you know in the current plateau you've hit) time after time, but more of those little victories will come and lift you up until you feel your true strength kicking in.

Feel free to add me, I think we might have quite a few things to relate with which seems hard to come by with these particular issues. It's a true struggle that not many people on the outside or even on the inside can understand since everyone has their individual emotions and problems, but sometimes it's worth the try to find people who are in or have somehow come out of similar places. Take care girl and I hope to hear from you and see you succeed in your own way on here.

Fugeela

I remember it's hard to look to the future when you're young. I vaguely do remember that. But try. What are you going to do if you ever decide you want kids? Adopt so your body won't change? Are you going to allot massive amounts of your income to future plastic surgeries as you age? Because it's all downhill from here, kiddo. Especially certain parts. You can't stop gravity without spending a whole lot of money. And are you going to end up with that permanently surprised face-lift expression rather than allow your face to be graced by a few wrinkles?

I'm all for looking how we each want to look, and I have some very high standards myself (especially for someone my age) but the monster known as reality, tough as it is to acknowledge sometimes, is out there. We can only do so much to look like we were born into a long line of super models. Sounds like you're putting everything else you have on hold for this one aspect of life. But if you aren't planning a career on a runway, is that really a good allocation of your energies?

Are you sure you're not over-focusing on this one issue because you're scared to move forward and risk failure in some other part of your life? Sometimes that happens. Take hold of the rest of your future now while you're young and full of energy. When you get where you want to be, if you still don't like your looks, then you can worry about it.

I never thought of having children because I feel too repulsive for anyone to be intimate with. I am a human being and worthy but I am not attractive to anyone. I'm so used to people making mean remarks about my body and looks or laughing at me from a distance that it is unbelievable to think anyone would actually like me.

I love children and I feel like one still, as I am. But I mean I thought of this before, I couldn't deal with that, I think I would have a severe breakdown, just the thought alone sends me in a frenzy because I never want to see myself this size or bigger than this again in my life, too many negative memories, I despise the terrible ways I felt about myself and feel.

It sounds so shallow and ridiculous and hopefully I'd get over it but I wouldn't be able to cope, at least thinking that far ahead now.

I do put things on hold for this, and always have. "One day I'll..." "I can't because I'm too..." " Too ugly..." "No one would want me because..." It didn't help I was offered great opportunities with my music but because this makes me into a shell, I can't find the confidence to do anything because I am not worthy due to my looks. It's horrible and people will laugh if they see me, and still do. It didn't help, I was interested in someone, (go figure, beauty and the beast, him being beauty) who was interested in this young girl, who is much just like me, just a supermodel and the "it" girl of the moment in Harpers Bazaar, Vogue and so forth. She has the looks/everything he's interested in where as I have no bloody looks just a mess. I feel lost when I look at myself.

Upset angry and frustrated.

I want to let go believe me please, I do. I really want to grow, but this makes me feel I will never grow and accomplish anything. I want to be beautiful and I want to be desired, for who I truly am by people to see the light in me and my art.

I want to make a difference and give back all the great that was given, but my image, it holds me back. It's not good.

Helloitsdan

On a scale from 1-10, 10 being pristine, rate your sleep.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect and on time, rate your monthly cycle.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect, rate you current nutrition.

If for any of the above you choose 5 or less, fix those to fix your hormones to fix your brain (feelings).
Having a smart goal to move forward, you'll be able to take small steps towards fixing the bigger issue.
Sounds like you're trying to fix everything at once and feel defeated.
This goes for people trying to lose weight.
This goes for people trying to get a degree.
This goes for people trying to do anything really.
To eat the elephant you start with 1 small bite.

Fugeela

On a scale from 1-10, 10 being pristine, rate your sleep.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect and on time, rate your monthly cycle.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect, rate you current nutrition.

If for any of the above you choose 5 or less, fix those to fix your hormones to fix your brain (feelings).
Having a smart goal to move forward, you'll be able to take small steps towards fixing the bigger issue.
Sounds like you're trying to fix everything at once and feel defeated.
This goes for people trying to lose weight.
This goes for people trying to get a degree.
This goes for people trying to do anything really.
To eat the elephant you start with 1 small bite.

I'd rate everything above a 5, nutrition I could get a better grip on, have very low iron and vitamin d.


I just feel so pathetic, I have no friends, no social life, I'm a musician who puts her first love on hold because of the way she looks which hinders me because I cant be confident or happy like this.

It is disgusting.

A lot of this got worse because my friends have moved on, and though I am happy for them, I want to move on too and grow/evolve into the great person I meant to be and am inside underneath all of this.

They are beautiful inside and out, I on the otherhand am not. I never even get male attention, only by old desperate men who make me feel worse about myself. I had my first kiss nearly two years ago, to a wonderful guy who I deep down think ended up using me because I am ugly and it isn't believable he found me attractive. It's quite a drawn out story that actually has no weight to be fair, but made a lot obvious to me about me not being attractive. He found my personality- who I actually am attractive, but not the package of me. He told me my beauty is my personality, he ended up seeing a girl much like me, just better, and not a sufferer of this nonsense as she has a great life, a model, with a beautiful disposition, positive, able to function, unlike me who can't stop worrying about this.



Doesn't help all my friends (old friends) looked like this, and had great personalities foremost, I don't see looks when I look at others, I see who they are. Looks are a shield, it is only when it comes to myself, that I get upset, because it is wrong and not right. I refuse to believe people would just be mean growing up and laugh at me in groups for no reason, make fun of my clothes, my body. Last year I went over a friends house to socialize with my girlfriends, (former), and I was smaller than I am now, and I was standing in front of these guys sitting down, who were laughing and making sour faces at my figure, in disgust, but when I turned around they'd stop and try to conceal, and go right back to continue once they thought I turned around, my ears were open. My friends didn't go through that, only me. Just damn repulsive old me. I didn't feel offended by what they said because it was mean, and I don't rate them anyway, but the principle of it is that it's not in my "mind." These are real situations.

4 years ago my friends and I went to the city one summer, my friend told me someone was staring at me, I guess trying to make me feel better- like "Look! He's checking you" byt the time I realized, this same guy told me to never wear what I had on again, that I couldn't even walk in my outfit and to not wear it again, and don't ever go out the house like that.

My friends never had to deal with that stuff.

I had a friend get angry with me because she told me to not belittle her problems as I told her she didn't know what it was like to be ugly and suffer with this, and she claimed she did because she got told she looked starving growing up by one boy in middle school.

What do they, especially her know about that? I said I was sorry to make her feel belittled as that is wrong, but she is certainly a wonderful woman, and everyone see's, no one cares to look positively at me. I don't care, but I do in a way because it signifies that I really am repulsive, just as I feel.

yopeeps025

I am a firm believer in going into the past. This trip down memory lane might hurt but I does kinda explain a lot of how people live there lives? BTW has your therapist every asked you questions about your past?

Fugeela

I am a firm believer in going into the past. This trip down memory lane might hurt but I does kinda explain a lot of how people live there lives? BTW has your therapist every asked you questions about your past?

Not quite everything, she more so listens and asks when it is convenient or would make sense to, rather than "Have you ever felt...."

My life Is just so terrible because of this, boring, sad, horrible.

I just want to get out of my body, this stupid look and weight I just want this to stop harassing me once and for all. It gets worse everyday.

Lauren8239

According to your profile you are 21. There are a lot, and I mean a lot, of girls your age that feel the same way you do, and I don't get it. Have you had your hormones checked? Seratonin? I am in no way belittling how you feel, I just find it very odd how widespread this is in your age group.

Helloitsdan

Are you fixing the iron/D issue? Did you know that the onset of many mental illnesses are linked to low D? The iron is easily fixed with nutrition.
Beef
Pumpkin seeds
Spinach

D
Go outside in the sun or take 5000iu a day.

Finding friends? Invest in an alpha course if you can afford it.
Pretty interesting approach but it works.

Fugeela

Are you fixing the iron/D issue? Did you know that the onset of many mental illnesses are linked to low D? The iron is easily fixed with nutrition.
Beef
Pumpkin seeds
Spinach

D
Go outside in the sun or take 5000iu a day.

Finding friends? Invest in an alpha course if you can afford it.
Pretty interesting approach but it works.

I really need to sort it out with vitamins and better nutrition but I live at home and I help my family out financially which leaves me not enough to always by the things I need, my nana usually does the cooking though!

I cant seem to focus on anything but music and not even so much (my one true love and talent and craft) because I just sit and think about this and so much time has passed me by because of it. I literally cant focus, I clock out and just worry about this.

chjones21

Fugeela. My favourite singer at the moment is Adele - she is a beautiful girl with a great voice (in my opinion). All sizes and shapes can be beautiful - I was on the tube the other day (packed with downtrodden commuters) and the most glamorous person in my carriage was a much larger than average person - she just glowed and her hair was immaculately coiffed, her make-up perfect and swathed in fabulous, beautifully made designer clothes. She put all of us to shame - we looked dowdy by comparison. She came into the tube with such confidence, exuding glamour!

You just have to take on the negative thoughts ... I don't know laugh at them. A friend of mine, who suffered quite badly with internal negative commentary was told to mimic the thought back but in a kinda squeaky voice (as if she were teasing it - it is difficult to explain) for example the thought would come into her head "you can't do this, you know you are too stupid, who do you think you are?" And she would then mimic or parrot that back in a squeaky voice as if to say I'M not listening to this nonsense and I don't even take it seriously! It really helped her.

I'm not a therapist but I also wonder whether there is a protective mechanism going on here ... Especially in artistic fields it can be very tough to put yourself out there and then have to deal with the reaction (indifference, dislike, lukewarm, positive or just nothing). The bigger issue may be that, that you are really scared of expressing your artistic self - and this negative self-talk gives an opt out.

Hope am not too blunt with this!

yumbinkbugonrox

sounds like some ruminative thinking..i wonder what might be helpful in stopping those ruminations.

Helloitsdan

She's playing victim to her circumstances. People who want change go out and create it. Sure it's scary to step out of your comfort but we're taking about your survival.

So get out of the house and away from the things you focus on in that single place.

Get out in the heat and sunshine.

Go find a local park or Starbucks.
Sign up for Meetup.com and meet people who like the sane stuff as you.
Quit playing the helpless little girl and go change.
Even if its just a small thing.

Or

Sit and waddle in the ****.

Tough? You bet!

VeryKatie

On a scale from 1-10, 10 being pristine, rate your sleep.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect and on time, rate your monthly cycle.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect, rate you current nutrition.

If for any of the above you choose 5 or less, fix those to fix your hormones to fix your brain (feelings).
Having a smart goal to move forward, you'll be able to take small steps towards fixing the bigger issue.
Sounds like you're trying to fix everything at once and feel defeated.
This goes for people trying to lose weight.
This goes for people trying to get a degree.
This goes for people trying to do anything really.
To eat the elephant you start with 1 small bite.

I'd rate everything above a 5, nutrition I could get a better grip on, have very low iron and vitamin d.


I just feel so pathetic, I have no friends, no social life, I'm a musician who puts her first love on hold because of the way she looks which hinders me because I cant be confident or happy like this.

It is disgusting.

A lot of this got worse because my friends have moved on, and though I am happy for them, I want to move on too and grow/evolve into the great person I meant to be and am inside underneath all of this.

They are beautiful inside and out, I on the otherhand am not. I never even get male attention, only by old desperate men who make me feel worse about myself. I had my first kiss nearly two years ago, to a wonderful guy who I deep down think ended up using me because I am ugly and it isn't believable he found me attractive. It's quite a drawn out story that actually has no weight to be fair, but made a lot obvious to me about me not being attractive. He found my personality- who I actually am attractive, but not the package of me. He told me my beauty is my personality, he ended up seeing a girl much like me, just better, and not a sufferer of this nonsense as she has a great life, a model, with a beautiful disposition, positive, able to function, unlike me who can't stop worrying about this.



Doesn't help all my friends (old friends) looked like this, and had great personalities foremost, I don't see looks when I look at others, I see who they are. Looks are a shield, it is only when it comes to myself, that I get upset, because it is wrong and not right. I refuse to believe people would just be mean growing up and laugh at me in groups for no reason, make fun of my clothes, my body. Last year I went over a friends house to socialize with my girlfriends, (former), and I was smaller than I am now, and I was standing in front of these guys sitting down, who were laughing and making sour faces at my figure, in disgust, but when I turned around they'd stop and try to conceal, and go right back to continue once they thought I turned around, my ears were open. My friends didn't go through that, only me. Just damn repulsive old me. I didn't feel offended by what they said because it was mean, and I don't rate them anyway, but the principle of it is that it's not in my "mind." These are real situations.

4 years ago my friends and I went to the city one summer, my friend told me someone was staring at me, I guess trying to make me feel better- like "Look! He's checking you" byt the time I realized, this same guy told me to never wear what I had on again, that I couldn't even walk in my outfit and to not wear it again, and don't ever go out the house like that.

My friends never had to deal with that stuff.

I had a friend get angry with me because she told me to not belittle her problems as I told her she didn't know what it was like to be ugly and suffer with this, and she claimed she did because she got told she looked starving growing up by one boy in middle school.

What do they, especially her know about that? I said I was sorry to make her feel belittled as that is wrong, but she is certainly a wonderful woman, and everyone see's, no one cares to look positively at me. I don't care, but I do in a way because it signifies that I really am repulsive, just as I feel.

This woman looks too thin IMO. Not saying that's not okay for her, but this might not be a realistic goal. Keep in mind that most models don't have a healthy BMI. Good luck.

Fugeela

She's playing victim to her circumstances. People who want change go out and create it. Sure it's scary to step out of your comfort but we're taking about your survival.

So get out of the house and away from the things you focus on in that single place.

Get out in the heat and sunshine.

Go find a local park or Starbucks.
Sign up for Meetup.com and meet people who like the sane stuff as you.
Quit playing the helpless little girl and go change.
Even if its just a small thing.

Or

Sit and waddle in the ****.

Tough? You bet!

I want to change but the problem is that I can't seem to. Nothing changes, in fact, it just gets worse and I get very confused and saddened by such.

Fugeela

She is quite thin but I think she's beautiful and I wish I could look like her and be her size. Unfortunately I can't look like her, which is fine, but seeinga figure like hers and knowing she does not have to go through this (I know I should not judge but who would ever find her unattractive-no one, and shes also girl who ended up with someone I was interested in who everyone likes for herself)


I look like a sumo wrestler at the moment, my back is just so wide I don't know what is going on other than me being big, it just feels terrible as a young woman for me. (For myself)

I will continue to do my best to try but the more I see no improvement the more my mind just works against me. I get very upset and frustrated and don't know how to cope.

I can't think about gaining weight, I hated myself this size, why would I be happy with it now?

I'll do my best and keep going but I just need change immediately.

1Cor1510

On a scale from 1-10, 10 being pristine, rate your sleep.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect and on time, rate your monthly cycle.
On a scale from 1-10, 10 being perfect, rate you current nutrition.

If for any of the above you choose 5 or less, fix those to fix your hormones to fix your brain (feelings).
Having a smart goal to move forward, you'll be able to take small steps towards fixing the bigger issue.
Sounds like you're trying to fix everything at once and feel defeated.
This goes for people trying to lose weight.
This goes for people trying to get a degree.
This goes for people trying to do anything really.
To eat the elephant you start with 1 small bite.

I'd rate everything above a 5, nutrition I could get a better grip on, have very low iron and vitamin d.


I just feel so pathetic, I have no friends, no social life, I'm a musician who puts her first love on hold because of the way she looks which hinders me because I cant be confident or happy like this.

It is disgusting.

A lot of this got worse because my friends have moved on, and though I am happy for them, I want to move on too and grow/evolve into the great person I meant to be and am inside underneath all of this.

They are beautiful inside and out, I on the otherhand am not. I never even get male attention, only by old desperate men who make me feel worse about myself. I had my first kiss nearly two years ago, to a wonderful guy who I deep down think ended up using me because I am ugly and it isn't believable he found me attractive. It's quite a drawn out story that actually has no weight to be fair, but made a lot obvious to me about me not being attractive. He found my personality- who I actually am attractive, but not the package of me. He told me my beauty is my personality, he ended up seeing a girl much like me, just better, and not a sufferer of this nonsense as she has a great life, a model, with a beautiful disposition, positive, able to function, unlike me who can't stop worrying about this.



Doesn't help all my friends (old friends) looked like this, and had great personalities foremost, I don't see looks when I look at others, I see who they are. Looks are a shield, it is only when it comes to myself, that I get upset, because it is wrong and not right. I refuse to believe people would just be mean growing up and laugh at me in groups for no reason, make fun of my clothes, my body. Last year I went over a friends house to socialize with my girlfriends, (former), and I was smaller than I am now, and I was standing in front of these guys sitting down, who were laughing and making sour faces at my figure, in disgust, but when I turned around they'd stop and try to conceal, and go right back to continue once they thought I turned around, my ears were open. My friends didn't go through that, only me. Just damn repulsive old me. I didn't feel offended by what they said because it was mean, and I don't rate them anyway, but the principle of it is that it's not in my "mind." These are real situations.

4 years ago my friends and I went to the city one summer, my friend told me someone was staring at me, I guess trying to make me feel better- like "Look! He's checking you" byt the time I realized, this same guy told me to never wear what I had on again, that I couldn't even walk in my outfit and to not wear it again, and don't ever go out the house like that.

My friends never had to deal with that stuff.

I had a friend get angry with me because she told me to not belittle her problems as I told her she didn't know what it was like to be ugly and suffer with this, and she claimed she did because she got told she looked starving growing up by one boy in middle school.

What do they, especially her know about that? I said I was sorry to make her feel belittled as that is wrong, but she is certainly a wonderful woman, and everyone see's, no one cares to look positively at me. I don't care, but I do in a way because it signifies that I really am repulsive, just as I feel.

I'm not a therapist, just a person who has been through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You are creative, and have a strong imagination. From your words I sense you are a very all or nothing person "My friends NEVER had to deal with this stuff".

I am a very all or nothing person. I also see the world through context, which means I use everything that happens/has happened to me as the prism through which I see my present and future.

I have written in journals all my life, and you literally could read the exact same writing in my journal (about my feelings) from 5 years ago and today and think nothing has changed in my life. In reality, I have used a lot of the tools from therapy (from my early 20's) to make my life what I want it.

I am now very careful about how I react to others, make sure I am seeing the reality of the situation for what it is, and not skewing the perspective because of my past. I even ask others I trust if I'm seeing things correctly, or if I'm skewing the situation. The key to this is going to people you trust, because when they tell me I'm correct in my view, as well as when they tell me I'm incorrect, I BELIEVE them.

Let me say this: it may be physical. Make sure you get a doctor to clear up some of the things that have been mentioned by others. Also, diet and exercise helped me immensely, and after going through all types and manner of anti-depressants years ago, I pitched them, and find I can now handle my feelings through how I take care of myself, journaling, exercising, and asking for help when I need it.

Next point: You are lying to yourself. You are not ugly, you are not disgusting, and I know there are people out there who love you and care about you and wish you would reach out to them more often

I would look for a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and a book that really helped me was From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett. Anxiety may not be your main problem, (my depression turned into anxiety and panic attacks at one time, now I only get panic attacks in the dentist chair!), but she deals with a lot of these issues. One of the points I loved the most is that it takes very creative and intelligent minds (and we are that, no?) to sustain this type of world view over long periods of time. It also takes intelligence and creativity to see reality for what it is, move through the fear, and reach our goals and dreams.

From your initial post, and the rest, and coming from where I have come, you have amazing potential! I still battle (over 20 years) with all of these issues, I still have to tell myself "YOU"RE LYING" when I catch myself in thoughts that are detrimental to me. I have to pep talk myself, and even still write down my feelings at times and have to go back and read them and try to determine if what I'm writing is true, or a lie. One of my most common ones is "I am worthless".

One of my MFP friends, Brandolin11 wrote this a while back, I hope it's okay to share, I actually printed this off and keep it in my journal, I hope it helps you as well:
"My philosophy has become this: I am infinitely valuable. I am eternal. I have a soul worth loving. I have a purpose and am meant to be on this earth. I am worthy of love, protection, and respect. God grants me those things, and now I have to give them to myself. NO ONE ELSE can do this but me. I absolutely, under NO circumstances, will continue to abuse myself with food nor any other substance anymore. I absolutely, at all times, will PROTECT my heart, mind, and body because I am valuable to God, I'm valuable to others, and most of all, I'm valuable to myself. Overeating, bingeing, sneaking food, self-loathing, guilt, anger, and all those things I experienced for years are now OFF THE TABLE. These thoughts and behaviors are banished for good and are not allowed near me. When and if I feel myself starting to slip then I journal out what's going on, or pray about it, or talk to someone I trust. Or all three. I quickly get control again (I do not let it linger) and I move on my merry way. I do not play with fire. I do not fool myself into thinking "I can just have a little of this-or-that because I've been so good all these years" and nonsense such as this. That kind of thinking is gone, eradicated. Forever. And if it starts to slip then again I repeat the steps above - read, journal, pray, and get counsel. That's it."

I hope that some of what I wrote here is helpful to you, if you want to be friends, I'm more that happy to be :flowerforyou: I wish you peace

yopeeps025

She's playing victim to her circumstances. People who want change go out and create it. Sure it's scary to step out of your comfort but we're taking about your survival.

So get out of the house and away from the things you focus on in that single place.

Get out in the heat and sunshine.

Go find a local park or Starbucks.
Sign up for Meetup.com and meet people who like the sane stuff as you.
Quit playing the helpless little girl and go change.
Even if its just a small thing.

Or

Sit and waddle in the ****.

Tough? You bet!

I want to change but the problem is that I can't seem to. Nothing changes, in fact, it just gets worse and I get very confused and saddened by such.

Ok calm down start here.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1175494-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants?hl=sexypants

1Cor1510

[/quote]
I would look for a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and a book that really helped me was From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett. Anxiety may not be your main problem, (my depression turned into anxiety and panic attacks at one time, now I only get panic attacks in the dentist chair!), but she deals with a lot of these issues. One of the points I loved the most is that it takes very creative and intelligent minds (and we are that, no?) to sustain this type of world view over long periods of time. It also takes intelligence and creativity to see reality for what it is, move through the fear, and reach our goals and dreams.

[/quote]

After reading more carefully your previous posts, I want to stress the part above. You sound very much like me when I was your age. It's worth taking the time to take care of yourself (not just your body, your mind as well), your life will be SO much better for it, and CBT gives you actual steps and goals to shoot for. I went through some stuff as a kid, and because of that, I used a lot of my old mindset as copeing mechanisms. The problem is as circumstances change, we turn those copeing mechanisms on ourselves, and we need to learn new ways to handle our present reality.

Fugeela

She's playing victim to her circumstances. People who want change go out and create it. Sure it's scary to step out of your comfort but we're taking about your survival.

So get out of the house and away from the things you focus on in that single place.

Get out in the heat and sunshine.

Go find a local park or Starbucks.
Sign up for Meetup.com and meet people who like the sane stuff as you.
Quit playing the helpless little girl and go change.
Even if its just a small thing.

Or

Sit and waddle in the ****.

Tough? You bet!

I want to change but the problem is that I can't seem to. Nothing changes, in fact, it just gets worse and I get very confused and saddened by such.

Ok calm down start here.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1175494-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants?hl=sexypants

Read that, thanks.


I just really hope I change. I don't want this to be my life.

I will do my best I guess, and try not to let it wear me down anymore.

Fugeela

I would look for a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and a book that really helped me was From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett. Anxiety may not be your main problem, (my depression turned into anxiety and panic attacks at one time, now I only get panic attacks in the dentist chair!), but she deals with a lot of these issues. One of the points I loved the most is that it takes very creative and intelligent minds (and we are that, no?) to sustain this type of world view over long periods of time. It also takes intelligence and creativity to see reality for what it is, move through the fear, and reach our goals and dreams.

[/quote]

After reading more carefully your previous posts, I want to stress the part above. You sound very much like me when I was your age. It's worth taking the time to take care of yourself (not just your body, your mind as well), your life will be SO much better for it, and CBT gives you actual steps and goals to shoot for. I went through some stuff as a kid, and because of that, I used a lot of my old mindset as copeing mechanisms. The problem is as circumstances change, we turn those copeing mechanisms on ourselves, and we need to learn new ways to handle our present reality.
[/quote]

Thank you for the advice, I am going to get some cognitive help. What qualifies as such?

I really appreciate your words, I just want this to go away for good. And I will do anything to change it. I will work harder if I have to, I just want it to be promised to go away. I will look into the book you've suggested as well. Many hugs.

aylajane

I hope you find the help you need. This may not be helpful, but I will put it out there.

Reading your thoughts, what hits me first is the word "I" everywhere. You are completely into yourself, your feelings, your circumstances, etc. This is an easy trap - after all we live inside our own heads and bodies, so it is natural to think about yourself more than others. But honestly, there is such a thing as being too self-absorbed.

Depression is an ugly monster, and I dont wish it on anyone, and I know it is not as simple as saying "just stop thinking that". But if you are truly "ugly" as you say (which I doubt, we are our own worst critics), and that is the worst problem you have in life, you need to wake up. Read the news - every day people in this world have circumstances imposed on them that are so, so, so much worse than anything you have ever had to deal with. I know that doesnt really change anything, but in the grand scheme of things, you have it good.

Spend one hour today thinking about someone besides yourself. Go to a soup kitchen and volunteer. You seem to see the beauty in others but then make light of their problems because your own seems worse (of course it does, they are yours...). But this world is not all about you. There are real people out there with real problems that could use your help. Play your music at a childrens home or a nursing home. Teach a kid to play an instrument. Talk to those people and find out about THEIR problems and either just listen or try to help. Focus on someone else's problems for a little bit, and maybe your own wont seem so overwhelming.

I truly hope you find a way to get through this. I agree that if your therapist is not helping, you need to find a new one - with a proactive practical side. The Cognitive Behavior stuff is worth looking into. You only get one shot at this life, dont waste it on something that is truly trivial in the end (looks change over time, people age... etc). Do you judge people solely on their looks? Why do you assume everyone else does you?