[Rant] Guilt tripping grandparents
lewispwest
Posts: 498 Member
Before I start, don't get me wrong here: I love my grandparents.
It's just that through boredom I guess, they pick flaws in people and don't shut up about them to the person until they fix them or stop talking to them.
Originally it was my weight, which I am making really good head-way on and I should hit my goal weight in the next three or so months, but now all my granddad says at every opportunity is "When are you getting a girlfriend? Your cousin just got married, I want you married before I die".
Obviously, yes I would love it all the same but I just can't think about any of that while I'm not at my goal weight. I wouldn't want to be with me how I am so I doubt others would. It just wears you down and my Mum is sick of dealing with their constant digs.
I'm not really looking for solutions, just wanted to vent to an audience!
It's just that through boredom I guess, they pick flaws in people and don't shut up about them to the person until they fix them or stop talking to them.
Originally it was my weight, which I am making really good head-way on and I should hit my goal weight in the next three or so months, but now all my granddad says at every opportunity is "When are you getting a girlfriend? Your cousin just got married, I want you married before I die".
Obviously, yes I would love it all the same but I just can't think about any of that while I'm not at my goal weight. I wouldn't want to be with me how I am so I doubt others would. It just wears you down and my Mum is sick of dealing with their constant digs.
I'm not really looking for solutions, just wanted to vent to an audience!
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Replies
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You have the same bad attitude I do... I look in the mirror and I think ugh, no one would want to be with me, I certainly wouldn't.
And getting to my goal weight isn't going to help me because that attitude isn't coming from hating my weight... it's from hating myself. While I am still determined to lose the weight, I'm also trying to turn this attitude around. I have had people tell me that I am pretty, and I am nice and they like me the way I am.
But it won't do me much good if I can't learn to like myself.0 -
Yeah I know how you feel. I really hope that I feel better with myself at my goal weight though, will have to wait and see.0
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just because you wouldnt want to be with you, doesnt mean everyone else feels the same. As for your grandparents, you are an adult, they are adults, tell them to back off! Do it politely but make it clear that you dont need them picking faults at you.0
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Yeah I know how you feel. I really hope that I feel better with myself at my goal weight though, will have to wait and see.
you need to love yourself regardless if your weight... losing a few more pounds wont magically make you into a different person.0 -
I know how you feel as well. Alot of times i feel no one will ever love me nor like me and i will be alone all my life. Sometimes i feel ugly or worthless due to situations i have been in. But i need to tell myself that i do love who i am and i have alot of things i should be grateful for. Everyone goes through these things, no worries. If you need to talk or anything i am here.0
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I don't know how old your grandparents are but IMHO, some old people just like to pick and moan! As they've gotten older, their world, life, interests has gotten smaller so what doesn't seem like a big deal to you or I is a huge deal to them. They have nothing else in their life but their kids and grandkids! LOL. Obviously I'm generalising an awful lot here, I know there are lots of kind, easy going, active, non-judgemental grandparents in the world, but that's my take on your kind of grandparent. The bottom line though is that they love you and only want the best for you - they just don't realise how they make you feel when they criticise.0
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I don't know how old your grandparents are but IMHO, some old people just like to pick and moan! As they've gotten older, their world, life, interests has gotten smaller so what doesn't seem like a big deal to you or I is a huge deal to them. They have nothing else in their life but their kids and grandkids! LOL. Obviously I'm generalising an awful lot here, I know there are lots of kind, easy going, active, non-judgemental grandparents in the world, but that's my take on your kind of grandparent. The bottom line though is that they love you and only want the best for you - they just don't realise how they make you feel when they criticise.
Oh I'm sure they are doing it because they care, they just don't seem to realise that it isn't as simple as saying "do it" and it happens. There's also the emotional toll keeping hearing things like that takes on a person.
As far as my self perspective goes, I'm not in the "hate myself" category any more, I just feel that I couldn't expect anyone to be content with me how I am right now so I will better myself to improve my chances.
Thanks for the pointers guys
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My grandma was a horrible woman. She constantly criticized my weight and made racist comments about my Mexican ex-husband.
She was old and from a different generation. Old people don't know what the heck they're saying. Just smile and nod.0 -
Yeah I know how you feel. I really hope that I feel better with myself at my goal weight though, will have to wait and see.
you need to love yourself regardless if your weight... losing a few more pounds wont magically make you into a different person.
This!
Honestly, IMO weight loss is about 50% physical 50% mental, maybe even 40/60. Gotta work on loving yourself no matter what your weight is. I know because I've lost all this weight before and didn't fix my mental. It took about 7 years, but I gained it all back and then some. Now, I'm working on both.0 -
Hi!
So I understand your pain. My grandmother was a lot like this for a long time. She has changed a lot in the last ten years. Alzheimer's has made her a completely different person. Not that it's good that she has it. I'm just suggesting that your grandparents might not always be this way.
Now about the relationship/goal weight thing. Not all women are that shallow. Some women are out there that will accept you exactly as you are regardless of your weight. Don't let that be your rationale for not pursuing a relationship because when you do enter one, you may not find a quality person. I mean, your relationship should not be entirely dependent upon your appearance because we do change over time.
Now if your reason for not pursuing a relationship is that you simply don't desire one at this time or because you don't feel mentally and emotionally ready to put the needs of another person above your own, then that is completely different.0 -
I have a friend that has lost 73 pounds, and she looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC... but, in her own words, "...73 pounds less, and I still am the same insecure chubby girl in a smaller package. How the heck does that work?"
For me, it's all hand-in-hand. If you don't change how you look at yourself, the way you look to everyone else is irrelevant. If anyone rejects you based solely on your looks, they aren't worth your time. And speaking for myself, looking back on times I've been rejected, it wasn't because of how I looked to THEM. I projected how *I* thought I looked, and they saw the lack of self-esteem and the hatred I had for myself.
Work on the outer shell as well as the nut inside. lol0 -
You are using your weight as an excuse why you can't find someone. Do you think when you hit your goal weight, suddenly all door open up and you are a different person? You have to work on how you view yourself. If you don't love yourself, how are you expected to love another? Try to work on your mental states while working on your body. I know plenty of really think attractive people who can't find someone because they are really horrible people that no one wants to be around. Then on the flip side, I know overweight people who date and are happy because they have great frame of mind and people like them.
As for your grandparents, try to see it from their perspective. They want you to be happy. They obviously see that you are unhappy and think that if you find someone, it will make you happy. I don't think they are trying to be critical, they just want to see you happy.0 -
1) They're tired of *****ing about/to you, so they want you to have a spouse to ***** about/to.
2) They're from a different generation. If someone wasn't married in the old days, it means something was terribly wrong with them.
I think they just care about you. They lived before the breakdown of family values.0 -
Well. They probably do not realize it bothers you. I would rather hear my children be honest with me and let it hurt my feelings (for a minute) than them just not liking me for an unknown reason. Speak up. Just tell them you would like them to stop. And every time they start talking the "negitive nancy talk" say..... "please stop, or I'm leaving" They will get the point. But honestly, they want the best for you and you can politely tell them your feelings. My mentor always told me, when you have something negitive to tell a employee, tell them 2 positives prior to telling them the truth. It helps ease the transition.
Can you think of 2 positives about your grandparents? LOL
Good luck.0 -
Your grandparents sound like my father (who is 80) and is always finding fault with everybody and digging and giving "sage advice" (his words). It's tough but we had to set limits, which is no politics, no religion, no social commentary. That seems to have worked but he's still after my wife (don't let Eric move to Pittsburgh) and such. No getting around it, some people like to think they've got the right answers for every situation. Selective memory also helps with that.....
Bottom line is you're losing the weight and getting control of your life and things will happen as part of life. Force the issue and you just end up making mistakes. You're doing a good job with where you're at, stick with it and be happy with your accomplishments. We're in your camp.0 -
Smile and tell your grandparents that there are no guarantees in life. Girlfriend/wife??? Perhaps. The only 2 things guaranteed to us are death & taxes. I'm sure they've heard/used that phrase before. The irony is.....it's true. You can no sooner promise them you'll be married before they die than you can promise that any one of you will live through the end of the day. We just take each day as it comes and make the best of it.
If they don't step off....just beat them to the punch EVERY TIME YOU interact with them. Say: Hello Grandparents. Quick status update....weight loss, nearing goals. Girlfriend....none on the horizon. Disappointment as a grandson....apparently right on track. So, how've you two been lately?0 -
My grandma was a horrible woman. She constantly criticized my weight and made racist comments about my Mexican ex-husband.
She was old and from a different generation. Old people don't know what the heck they're saying. Just smile and nod.
My dad is 95 years old and he knows what the heck time it is. He knows that is going to hurt your feelings or not. They might be unknowingly uncaring and not one person has spoken up to them and told them so. If people are rude, you have to tell them why and leave. Explain why you are leaving and come back and see if they can control themselves. They will learn. That must have put so much tension in your relationship with your X-husband. You were probably young and not wanting to be rude to your grandparents and that was good and bad. But as you age, your inhabitions will lesson and you will say almost anything. I'm learning everyday w/my kids. (i'm glad they keep me inline) Times have changed and there are new rules to society.0 -
This is one of those situations where you grab them and hug them tight and say I love you and appreciate the advice,.... BUT I have to live my own life and make my own mistakes. Just like they sound like a broken record, your response needs to sound just as equally broken and repetitive.
Why?
- They are older.
- They are set in their ways.
- Things WERE different when they were younger, not necessarily better, just different.
- They expect others to live like they did.
- They repeat the same things over and over and can't remember if they've already said them or not. Heck, half the time they tell you something you told them thinking it was their idea.
- They can't remember if you ever answered them.
- You aren't going to change them.
- All you can do is love them.
- All you can do is listen to them and appreciate them for what they are.
- All you can do is not let them get to you through whatever means works for you OTHER THAN avoiding them. Why? Because they won't be with you very long and you will regret every moment you missed.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Change subject.
I would like to add... it never hurts to ask them for advice on something where it doesn't matter. That is... Pops, what do you think about these new XYZ cars. I was thinking about buying one. Nanna, I am trying to pick out some new clothes what color do you think looks best on me... or could you teach me how to make those wonderful fried pies.0 -
Meh.
Take it with a grain of salt. Old people and children say the darnedest things.0 -
Oh grandparents. Grandparents will be grandparents hahah. It's nice you're able to get together with them often enough to be annoyed by them Count your blessings, right? But hey, nothing wrong with the occasional rant.
Finding someone to share your life with can take a little while (I ended up having to go online). I think you sound like a pretty nice guy, so I think other people will see that too! Ladies aren't always picky about a man's appearance, and those are the ones worth spending your time on. Your photo looks great now, so stop thinking about it hahah! 0 -
Married before THEY die?! Do they plan on dying anytime soon??? Tell them THEY will just have to plan on
living a lot longer! Good luck!0 -
It will never stop. Once you get married it will be why don't you have children....................0
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Do what I did. Tell your grandparents you are gay. Conversation over.0
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It will never stop. Once you get married it will be why don't you have children....................
Exactly this. Either come up with something sweet to say in retort, or smile and nod.0 -
Next time they say something like that start faking a seizure or do something really bizarre and outrageous that gets their attention. Say "See? This is what happens to me when you start talking like this. Leave it alone. I'll get there when I get there".
Sounds odd, but it will get their attention, and they won't forget the reaction. Make them think you're crazy. People don't talk *kitten* to people they think are crazy loll. Hell, say something mean to them if you have to. I know they're your grandparents, but they're not going to stop unless you grab their attention.
Lol I do realize my advice is bizarre, but I have a weird way of dealing with things. Others may or may not decide to take the same approach.:)
You could also avoid them. And if they start wondering why, you can tell them it's because you're sick of their comments.
They love you. But they're old and sometimes old people, just like everyone else, can be aholes.
ETA: you need to develop a love for yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a nice looking guy, don't sell yourself short. And i'm not being creepy (well, i'm not trying to be lol), i'm just saying. You are more than capable of getting a great girl.0 -
My grandpa is says the exact same things to me.
He also says stuff like this:
When he visited me and noticed I'm the only white guy in the building "the KKK was right we need to protect the white race"
He has 11 kids and this his advice on planning for retirement "Have as many kids with as many woman as you can, one of them will be rich and take care of you."
He also likes to tell me I'l burn in Hell if I don't accept Jesus into my heart. lol good times grandpa...
Just smile and nod old people are crazy.0 -
My grandpa is says the exact same things to me.
He also says stuff like this:
When he visited me and noticed I'm the only white guy in the building "the KKK was right we need to protect the white race"
He has 11 kids and this his advice on planning for retirement "Have as many kids with as many woman as you can, one of them will be rich and take care of you."
He also likes to tell me I'l burn in Hell if I don't accept Jesus into my heart. lol good times grandpa...
Just smile and nod old people are crazy.
Is it just me or are some of those statements very contradictory? KKK and Jesus?0 -
Gawd some people just need to get a life! My parents are kind of like this......so dang obsessed with other people, and they seriously need to get a hobby! It's embarrassing! Lol
My advice is....tell them you're losing weight so you can go into the trapeze arts so you can join a traveling circus act. This will distract them from the relationship thing for a while. Sadly this sort of thing actually works on my dad.....I will tell him something sometimes in jest and he will legit go into a full blown rant about it.....it's great, like he talks to argue with himself so I don't have to participate LOL0 -
This is one of those situations where you grab them and hug them tight and say I love you and appreciate the advice,.... BUT I have to live my own life and make my own mistakes. Just like they sound like a broken record, your response needs to sound just as equally broken and repetitive.
Why?
- They are older.
- They are set in their ways.
- Things WERE different when they were younger, not necessarily better, just different.
- They expect others to live like they did.
- They repeat the same things over and over and can't remember if they've already said them or not. Heck, half the time they tell you something you told them thinking it was their idea.
- They can't remember if you ever answered them.
- You aren't going to change them.
- All you can do is love them.
- All you can do is listen to them and appreciate them for what they are.
- All you can do is not let them get to you through whatever means works for you OTHER THAN avoiding them. Why? Because they won't be with you very long and you will regret every moment you missed.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Nanna... I love you. Thanks, but I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and live my own life.
Change subject.
I would like to add... it never hurts to ask them for advice on something where it doesn't matter. That is... Pops, what do you think about these new XYZ cars. I was thinking about buying one. Nanna, I am trying to pick out some new clothes what color do you think looks best on me... or could you teach me how to make those wonderful fried pies.
This...exactly this!! Except them not remembering. My grandma was sharp as a tack at 98 years old. I sure do miss that woman and all of her complaints. Would give anything to hear them again. Good luck with your grandparents and good on you for actually maintaining a relationship with them. Also, awesome job being so close to goal weight! The right relationship will come when you are ready for it.0 -
Yeah I know how you feel. I really hope that I feel better with myself at my goal weight though, will have to wait and see.
you need to love yourself regardless if your weight... losing a few more pounds wont magically make you into a different person.
Sooooo much of this.0
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