unsupportive friend

HMbubblegun

Hi everyone

So I've been doing mfp for nearly a month now and I've lost 15 lbs so far which I'm chuffed to bits about.

The problem is that my best friend is being really unsupportive. When I hit a stone (14lbs) I was so excited about it but when I told her she just snapped "well I can't see any difference" which really hurt. I feel like I look noticeably trimmer than 15 lbs ago and my boyfriend, sister and other friends are being really complimentary and supportive. But the person I thought was my best friend seems really negative about the whole thing.

When we hang out she tries to get me to have pizza and cheesecake and when I turn it down she acts like I'm starving myself. If we're hanging out together and I get out my phone or laptop to log something that I've eaten she rolls her eyes and tells me I'm being ridiculous.

She's very overweight herself but has always said that she doesn't mind it and that she's not "built to be thin". I think I understand that she's maybe envious but there are things in her life that I get jealous of, but I'd never try to sabotage them or behave bitterly towards her about them. When something goes well for her I'm happy about it but it seems like she can't bring herself to do the same for me.

It's really affecting my morale and I'm very upset that she can't be happy for me. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing with friends or family members? I don't know how to talk to her about it without an argument or falling out ensuing.

Flab2Fab27

If she's your best friend, why can't you tell her how you feel as opposed to a public forum?

Lauren8239

This has become so common I don't understand why people don't just ignore it. Why talk to her? Why will it be you that is the bad guy? Just carry on and ignore her attitude.

_KitKat_

If she's your best friend, why can't you tell her how you feel as opposed to a public forum?

↑↑↑ This and being your friend should be more than just hanging out and getting support from you. It sounds like she has her own insecurities and she is projecting them onto you. It may be hard but ignore her behavior the best you can and then either confront her or step back and look at the relationship you two have and see if it is worth continuing. Many times people have toxic people in their life (they need a wrap for this) and they need to let those relationships go.

Artionis

How about being honest with your best friend? "BFF, I love you and I love our friendship. The reality is that I'm changing my lifestyle to be more healthy and to lose weight. I'm sad that you do that eye roll thing and that instead of cheering me forward you are negative."

Then if she continues this behavior, rethink the friendship. The situation is somewhat analogous to a recovering alcoholic who should drop his drinking buddies who continue to create a drinking environment. She wants you to be her cheesecake and pizza friend, not her salad friend. If a falling out ensues, so be it.

Artionis

This is just how women are, unfortunately.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.

jollyjoe321

She's just jealous, she'll get over it.

klbaierwalter

It sounds like your friend is jealous that you have the will to change your life for the better and she's too self-conscious to put herself out there to change. For some people it's easier to tear someone else down instead of taking a long look in the mirror and admitting your own faults. I would just sit your friend down and explain that you are changing your life and getting healthy and that if she cannot support you, then maybe you need to take some time away from one another. Also make sure to mention that she is tearing you down and making you feel bad about the choices you have made and that's not right. Good luck! You don't need all that negativity in your life.

RLMsFitnessPal

Personally, I'm not the least bit afraid to carry on with what I'm doing, and drop anyone who is not supportive. For some reason, the saying, "Misery loves company," comes to mind. I have enough problems keeping my own moods in check. I'm certainly not willing to let anyone drag me down.

Papa_Grande

True friendship is a rare thing.

gypsy_spirit

You know exactly what's going on. You have 2 choices: Listen to her drivel and fall back into old habits to keep her company, or keep getting yourself healthy and ignore her remarks.

You will encounter people all your life that may have their own issues or an agenda that doesn't match yours. Decide how you want your life to be and then make it happen. If she's truly a friend, talk to her and maybe she will come around. If not, there's not anything you can do to change her.

Keep being awesome.

neandermagnon

This is just how women are, unfortunately.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.

Nope, just women

Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:

WTF

err no not all of us do those things. The only women I'm jealous of are those who can bench, squat and deadlift more than me. And now way I'd sabotage them, I'd cheer them on then use their achievements as inspiration to make me work harder in training....

_KitKat_

This is just how women are, unfortunately.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.

Nope, just women

Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:

WTF

err no not all of us do those things. The only women I'm jealous of are those who can bench, squat and deadlift more than me. And now way I'd sabotage them, I'd cheer them on then use their achievements as inspiration to make me work harder in training....

↑↑↑This↑↑↑


and women with emerald green eyes....so beautiful, but pretty sure there is nothing I could do to sabotage that.....maybe chase them with colored contacts...hmmm:laugh:

Also if these are the type of women around you, you really attract the wrong type.

alighterday

If the friendship means that much to you, dont even talk about the weight loss and healthy stuff with her. she is jealous and insecure so just be her friend in everything else. But keep doing what you are doing for yourself!! If she asks about then talk but just let it go so she can keep her little jealousies to herself.

KseRz

This is just how women are, unfortunately.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.

Nope, just women

Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:

jkal1979

Just out of curiosity, how often do you bring up the subject of weight loss with her? Just a thought but maybe she is getting annoyed with hearing you talk about it.

It could be other things too. It could be jealousy, her own insecurities coming out, worried that your weight loss would affect the friendship, or she thinks that by mentioning it that you are trying to give her hints that she should be losing with you. Whatever it may be the only way that you will know is by talking to her about it.

AnotherXFitGuy

A lot of people these days really needs to read the definition of a "friend".

Friend:
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter. (THIS)
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

Friends don't keep friends down but lift them up. But, if you allow the behavior, you're accepting the friend.

lynn1982

Hi everyone

So I've been doing mfp for nearly a month now and I've lost 15 lbs so far which I'm chuffed to bits about.

The problem is that my best friend is being really unsupportive. When I hit a stone (14lbs) I was so excited about it but when I told her she just snapped "well I can't see any difference" which really hurt. I feel like I look noticeably trimmer than 15 lbs ago and my boyfriend, sister and other friends are being really complimentary and supportive. But the person I thought was my best friend seems really negative about the whole thing.

When we hang out she tries to get me to have pizza and cheesecake and when I turn it down she acts like I'm starving myself. If we're hanging out together and I get out my phone or laptop to log something that I've eaten she rolls her eyes and tells me I'm being ridiculous.

She's very overweight herself but has always said that she doesn't mind it and that she's not "built to be thin". I think I understand that she's maybe envious but there are things in her life that I get jealous of, but I'd never try to sabotage them or behave bitterly towards her about them. When something goes well for her I'm happy about it but it seems like she can't bring herself to do the same for me.

It's really affecting my morale and I'm very upset that she can't be happy for me. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing with friends or family members? I don't know how to talk to her about it without an argument or falling out ensuing.

I understand this as I've been here myself. Honestly, she's just jealous, which doesn't make it ok, but you're going to need to make a choice - keep doing what you're doing and don't talk about it with her, or bring it up and possibly impact your friendship. My best friend lost a bunch of weight a few years ago. It was a very difficult point in my life and I was at my heaviest weight. She was so excited about her weight loss and I was truly excited for her. I supported her every step of the way. She then gained it back (she was seeing a nutritionist who had her eating 800 calories/day, so she gained every pound and then some when she started eating normally again). When I started losing weight, she told me that it was just water weight that I had lost. Then I mentioned my new pant size and she told me it was "vanity sizing." I remember at one point she seemed outright hostile to me for being "tiny" (as she put it) and told me I should eat pancakes (we were out for brunch). At that point I stopped mentioning it at all to her. It just wasn't worth it.

Some people have trouble with weight and other peoples' weight. I know it's hard, but try to understand that her hostility and negativity towards you is actually a reflection of how she feels about herself.

ETA: she still mentions my weight loss to me whenever we're out for a meal - her last comment to me was "I'd look like you too if I ate like that." I had ordered a salad with grilled chicken. She has ordered a giant bagel with a side of french fries. I told her that I "feel" better about myself eating this way (because I do) and left it at that. I try to divert the conversation whenever SHE brings it up.

SonicDeathMonkey80

This is just how women are, unfortunately.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.

Nope, just women

Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:

SpiritBunny

I don't know if you have been sharing your journey if so a real friend would be supportive. I think her attitude sucks for someone that is suppose to be so close to you. That being said there are many who feel keeping it real is more honest regardless if it's hurtful because in her opinion it hasn't made much of a change. Many people (not just women) get upset when things change. many men freak out when there women start loosing weight because it's not something that they can hold onto or use as a reason why she won't be going anywhere. It is really easy to think that a 'friend' would be vile towards you because you are doing better and she does nothing for her own issues. I agree with others tho you should talk to her to see where she is coming from because she isn't much of a friend if she knows you are doing this to help you.

richx83

i would imagine it goes beyond jealousy and more a case of you holding a mirror up and she does not like what she sees in herself. By you making the changes you are no longer being an enabler in her life "it doesn't matter if i am fat, she is too so I am okay"

She obviously doesn't want to change right now so will be worried at some level about being the "fat friend".

I say this from experience, my Dad lost weight and then my best friend started to lose weight as well which was leaving me a very odd one out. I managed to use it to my advantage though and took the attitude, if they can do it then I can too.

Stay strong and keep on going, you may discover however as your body changes your mind does too and the friendships which you thought were strong end up not being as strong.

fallingtrees

I went out with a guy for a while, who during that time lost 70 lbs in a year. I lost 20 lbs along beside him, which was great, because before that he was actually sabotaging my diet inadvertently, taking me out for really big meals and such---he could pack away a lot of food, and always ordered dessert...

(Sorry, my mind wandered at "dessert.")

Anyway, although I was really proud of him, and enjoyed watching him morph from a pudgy middle-age guy to a Greek god (yes, he was beautiful), I got thoroughly tired of his droning on about "calorie restriction." And he wouldn't let me cook anything for him. (I was not trying to sabotage his diet...after all, I was cooking for my weight loss, too.)

So, if the friend isn't willing to hear about your success, it may be that it in some way makes her feel criticized. Stop talking with her about weight, but continue to politely decline the calorie bombs.

LITtlerMeCO

Maybe you two should take a break from each other for a while and think about what your friendship means to you. You could end up resenting her if you binge because of her encouragement or you could become annoyed at her not supporting you which could lead to the end of the friendship.

My best friend wants to go shopping with me for new clothes--I've told her I wan to wait another 15 pounds before investing in a new wardrobe so for now she's just excited I've gotten a few new t-shirts for the gym.

Reedern

I would say you need to just confront her about it. Let her know how much you value the freindship and how much her lack of support hurts you. If she really is a good friend, she will admit her fault and try to be more supportive. You can encourage her to take the journey with you. Maybe she really does want to lose weight but lacks the confidence and support herself.

George_Baileys_Ghost

So I've been doing mfp...

[insert sophomoric laughter]

sir_randall

Could be jealousy or bitterness. Maybe she's unhappy with her weight and body. She sees you making a positive change for yourself and it amplifies her sadness and bitterness. She's trying to drag you down to her level.

Surround yourself with people who are going to encourage and motivate you to hit your goals. You're doing it for yourself and if someone can't support you in that endeavor then that speaks volumns about your relationship. Maybe it's additional weight you need to shed.

Congrats on your progress. Keep going.

awomaninsane

If she's your best friend, why can't you tell her how you feel as opposed to a public forum?

It's probably because she is her 'best friend' that she's looking for some advice on how to deal with this and that is what forums like this can help with, offering differing ideas and ways to help.

OP, she sounds very jealous and maybe she's worried you'll look for new skinny friends once you reach your target? Obviously this idea is silly because she is your friend and you'd never do that to her.

tinglesby

i have definitely encountered that before. i had a friend tell me that i was being rediculous because i decided that i didnt want to go out and party anymore for a while til i found my "groove" and felt i could handle all that comes along with going out. the dinners, drinks and after drinking food...i didnt even want to deal with that because i couldnt control myself at the time. While yes, that IS my problem, i was really taken aback when she told me that stopping all together was a bad idea. why? what makes it so bad if it works for me?? She was extremely mean and hateful about it and i didnt want or need that kind of negativieity in my life. i unfortunately had to cut that friendship short. it wasnt just that that she was negative towards me about, it was a plethora of things, constantly telling me what to do, cutting me down, the works!!
if she is your best friend, TALK to her. tell her how youre feeling. if she truly is your best friend and cares about your feelings, she will change. if not, you may have to do what i did. my feelings and overall health and happiness meant nothing to this so-called friend of mine, so thats why i chose the path i did.
i hope she comes around. Friends are SO important on this journey!!! good luck and keep us posted!!
Feel free to add me as a friend if you like.

UsedToBeHusky

She is showing you the quality of her character. It is up to you whether this friendship is really worthy of your time.

Perhaps she will get over it. Or perhaps this behavior will continue. Either way, it is not your responsibility to make her happy. However, it is your responsibility to make yourself happy.

KseRz

This is just how women are, unfortunately.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.

Nope, just women

Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:

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