unsupportive friend
Replies
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I had the same issue, therefore I totally understand how you feel. Before using MFP I was doing ketogenic diets, and I was excited following them, and then the one who is supposed to be one of my best friends was saying nasty demotivating things like: diets do not work... you will get fat again ... dieting is useless...etc.
I even once lost up to 8 kg in a short period of time, and she didn't say a single motivational or supportive word. In fact, she gave me the impression as if she was not happy that am losing weight, which made me very surprised.
Then when I totally understood the whole picture, I decided to stick to my plans, not to care about what she says, not to wait for her support and not care what other people says except my GP and my Gym instructor!
and to be honest I started even reviewing our friendship, I started analysing her behaviour towards me.
One advice... stick to your weight loss goals, always motivate yourself and be patient.0 -
This is just how women are, unfortunately.
Really? Because not one of my friends acted like that with me, in this whole process. Not one.0 -
This is just how women are, unfortunately.
Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.
Blaming it on human beings sounds like something a woman would do.
Indeed. False equivalence is false.0 -
She's very overweight herself but has always said that she doesn't mind it and that she's not "built to be thin". I think I understand that she's maybe envious but there are things in her life that I get jealous of, but I'd never try to sabotage them or behave bitterly towards her about them. When something goes well for her I'm happy about it but it seems like she can't bring herself to do the same for me.
you make her feel bad that you are losing weight. its her issue not yours, i just wouldn't mention your weight loss in front of her, and log your food later on. that being said, she's your best friend, she should be supportive.0 -
She’s upset that you’re moving on and she is not. Additionally, she’s afraid that you will change so much that you will no longer what to be her friend. The mind is a crazy thing.0
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How about being honest with your best friend? "BFF, I love you and I love our friendship. The reality is that I'm changing my lifestyle to be more healthy and to lose weight. I'm sad that you do that eye roll thing and that instead of cheering me forward you are negative."
Then if she continues this behavior, rethink the friendship. The situation is somewhat analogous to a recovering alcoholic who should drop his drinking buddies who continue to create a drinking environment. She wants you to be her cheesecake and pizza friend, not her salad friend. If a falling out ensues, so be it.
^ ^ agree!0 -
She is jealous that you are making a change in your life that she thinks she can't. People that are too afraid to make changes to better themselves are always going to poo-poo those that are.
You should ask her why she is being the way she is. Don't accuse but ask her and try to get her talking about herself. Do let her know that her attitude is affecting you and you are not happy since you thought she was your friend and expected a little bit of support.
Overweight people that keep saying they are happy with their size are all lying to themselves and everyone around them. No one is happy being tired, sick and unable to do normal daily activities without getting winded. They are just afraid to try to make the change. There can be many reasons why but in the end they are just afraid and don't want the people around them to change either. As someone else said....Misery loves company.
If after you have a chat, she is still being a beeatch then you may need to rethink your friendship. Sometimes when we take on new lifestyles we need to let go of the negative people from our past lifestyle and find new friends that are on the same path as us. Good luck!0 -
Overweight people that keep saying they are happy with their size are all lying to themselves and everyone around them. No one is happy being tired, sick and unable to do normal daily activities without getting winded. They are just afraid to try to make the change. There can be many reasons why but in the end they are just afraid and don't want the people around them to change either. As someone else said....Misery loves company.
I gotta say, this is kind of inaccurate, being happy with your size is something different than being unable to do normal everyday activities(you can still be large and be fit) and I think in order to actually make a change, you have to like yourself enough to do it.
ANYWAYS OP, I would say I fall into the un-supportive friend category, one of my really close friends lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw her(we go to school in different states) and it took me a while to come to terms with it, so I kind of just don't talk about it around her, but honestly she motivated me to really do it this time. And I think I can see where your friend is coming from, but I've also learned if people can't be supportive, you're better off without them, even if you think you need them. Someone else will come along, or you'll be able to surround yourself with more supportive people.
TL;DR
Drop the "friend", make new more supportive friends0 -
How can I make someone value the things I want them to value and feel the way I want them to feel?0
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If she's your best friend, why can't you tell her how you feel as opposed to a public forum?
This.
Also, it's nice when people support you but it doesn't make good people, bad people when they don't take an active interest in something important to you. Things that are for you, are for you, not anyone else. I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in years. The last time we got together, I was nearly 200 lbs. I'm now 155. She didn't say anything about it (she did say she liked the way I was doing my hair now) but I also didn't say anything about it to her. Why? There are more important aspects to interpersonal relationships than my weight.
Your weight and your weight loss might be a huge deal to you. It is not and never will be a truly huge deal to anyone else (unless you become a celebrity weight loss/fitness guru).0 -
She wants to keep you in the fat club.0
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Can't really tell what's going on in her mind without asking her directly, but my bet is that it is making her think about her own weight. Some people tend to deal with problems and life by simply pretending that they don't exist. People will notice your weight loss faster than you will (in my opinion), she's noticing and feeling self conscious about herself now.0
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How can I make someone value the things I want them to value and feel the way I want them to feel?
Form a church
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I would try having one heart to heart with her at a time when you are not responding to something negative that she said and might have pissed you off, but a calm conversation about your reasons for losing weight.
She may feel that once you lose the weight you won't want to be her friend . . . of course with weight loss sometimes comes the loss of friendships, lovers and even family relationships
Be strong and do what is right for you!0 -
You probably aren't rubbing your success in her face, but it may feel like that to her. Your success may make her feel like a failure if she is overweight and cause her to think about her own weight.
I'd just ignore it. I can't imagine that you would get anywhere by confronting the situation...and it's probably even likely that she fully understands why she is being mean...but can't help herself.
It sucks to be the "fat girl"...and if you lose weight and aren't a "fat girl" anymore; she'll be the only one.
I lost friends when I lost weight. I realize now that most of those people were enablers.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
I am looking for new friends to interact with on MFP. I am interested in meeting other like minded people - those who are looking to make a lifestyle change, not a just quick fix. I believe exercise is essential in order to achieve my fitness (and wellness) goals. I believe that eating a balanced, healthy "diet" is the way to be successful. Feel free to send me a request and tell me a bit about your goals.0
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This is just how women are, unfortunately.
Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.
Nope, just women
Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:
Wow, you sound single.0 -
Surround yourself with people who help lift you up and if this friend can't and won't, you should rethink your relationship. Of course, try to talk to her about it first and if a fight ensues, then it's probably best to part ways for a bit. Obviously she's important to you as you don't want to fight, but friends support one another regardless of their own agendas. Good luck!0
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It's possible that you're talking about it more than you realize, and now she's afraid that weight loss and being thin are so important to you that you will judge her or not want to be her friend, etc. I know that's not what you're thinking, but she can't read your mind!
It sounds like you *are* getting good support in your life from others, so maybe in your relationship she's the one who needs support more than you do?
Tell her that the change your making is just personal, and let her know you never meant to make her feel uncomfortable, and just nicely ask her to not pressure you to eat things like cheesecake because you're trying really hard.
Also personally I've found that the less I talk about weight loss, the less people pressure me! If I order a salad confidently and casually, then people just roll with it.0 -
This is just how women are, unfortunately.
Oh, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. This is how some human beings are, unfortunately.
Nope, just women
Edited to add that y'all are known to buy clothes/shoes just so other women can't have them :laugh:
Wow, you sound single.
Is that supposed to be an insult?0 -
ive been there. i have a friend who is not overweight, she could maybe do with losing 10lbs or just getting a little fitter. but i have 100 lbs to lose.. well 86 now. and when i started she saw it like some kind of competition that she could win first... i bought a gym standard treadmill for my mums house that i could use. so she started wondering how she could afford the same one, when i told her my progress on the treadmill i didnt get a well done or even and interested 'nice' i just got 'oh i could do double that'. shes really not supportive at all. she hates when id rather drive instead of drinking when we go out and she hates that i dont want to order chinese food every week and id rather cook it myself. its frustrating. i try not to ram my dieting down her throat but i dont want her to ram all the bad stuff down mine either. i just shrug it off, it doesnt make her any less my friend i just guess my journey is making her question herself.0
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I have this problem with my best friend. She hasn't said anything hurtful to me but she is always trying to give me food I don't want to eat or very high calorie food and gets upset when I don't eat it. I think whether she knows it or not, she is upset that I am doing what she is not able to make herself do right now. We are best friends though, so I just tell her to shut up, not always very nicely, and we get on with our friendship. Of course, I try to say it nicer the first few times and when she keeps on is when I get blunt with her, I don't start there. If you are truly friends with her you should be able to put your foot down without making it a problem. If she makes it into a problem, you don't need her as a friend. Mostly likely though it is her insecurities that make her that way even if she doesn't realize it.0
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