I Stopped a Binge Right in its Tracks

oedipa_maas

I was taking the bus home yesterday afternoon when I heard a familiar voice. I glanced up and it was someone I had been best friends with--who I loved to distraction--and who I hurt many years ago, leading to the end of our friendship. She told me I broke her heart the one time I tried to talk to her, and wouldn't put herself through that again. And I don't blame her. We were supposed to go on a trip together and instead of just talking to her like an adult, instead of telling her why it wasn't a good idea for her to come with me across the country, I avoided and weasled and let her find out indirectly. To be clear: I was wrong, I was self centered, and I was careless with her love of me. So it's my fault we are strangers many years down the line.

I acted like an idiot on the bus. I squeezed may way up to the bus driver and begged him to let me off, that I had to get off. He was kind enough to do so. I ran down an alley and hid in case she saw me through the window. I don't think she did see me, but being trapped on a bus with her for 45 minutes, knowing she wanted nothing to do with me. I kind of panicked. I am in my 40s and I ran and hid like a 13 year old. Oy.

I waited for the next bus and held back crying the whole way home.

But here's the success. I stopped the binging thoughts dead in their tracks. I talked to myself the whole way home: "Do not soothe yourself with a binge, do not order a huge dinner from takeout, you go home, have a normal dinner, and cry your little heart out for all you lost if that's what you want to do. You won't feel better if you abuse your body with food."

So I didn't abuse my body with food. I let myself cry without judgment and then I ate the big salad I had made.

I am telling you, that one act of resistance, that refusal to hurt myself, that opportunity taken to feel and reflect, is a much bigger deal than the pounds I've lost to date. Because I now know that I have it in me to put the brakes on rather than let the wheels come off in dramatic fashion.

jobean12

Congratulations on recognizing where you were headed and stopping it . Great job and you should be proud!

jessmcanulty

We'll done!!! You should be so proud of yourself.

123losinforme

That is exactly where I want to be...that is a huge success ..be proud of yourself and forgive yourself, everyone makes mistakes, I know I've been in that similar situation. No one is harder on you than YOU...:-)

oedipa_maas

Thank you all for your supportive words!

loriq41

Wow......good for you! In the end you probably feel better that you didnt get off track.....be proud!

loriq41

Wow......good for you! In the end you probably feel better that you didnt get off track.....be proud!

redmagpie91

Congratulations! This is the hardest part for me. To not eat my emotions

CA_Underdog

I can relate to being careless of those who love me, and losing close friends as a result. I don't know that I'd have had the fortitude to react any better if in a confined bus with them.

You're very strong to admit all this and avoid a binge!

kittentoast

I was really struck by this story. I have a similar one. A woman friend, older than me, had become a kind of mother figure to me after my parents died. I was getting to know her at my own pace, and suddenly she invited me to take a train trip with her to another city. To this day I have no idea why I panicked, but I did! I stalled and asked her to wait while I made a decision. And then never really got back to her. Doh.

For a long time I had many layers of confusion and guilt around this. She did some childish get-back stuff to me later on, and I figured I deserved it. But I kind of latched on to her newly spiteful behavior, and started using it as my justification for having rejected her previously. Which really makes no sense. Anyway, she made a few attempts to get back in touch, but I never wanted to. I was still so mad!

Years later I've come to the conclusion that NOBODY was at fault. I actually have the right to do or not do anything I choose. I don't even have to be polite about it if I don't feel like it. If I feel like withdrawing, I can do that. I personally wish I had been more tactful about it, because my friend was a nice person overall. But I don't regret refusing to let someone strong-arm me into a trip I didn't want to take.

So long story short - and what I want to urge you to consider - is that you did nothing wrong. It sounds like your former friend came to you and accused you of all kinds of things - breaking her heart? Sheesh. You are not responsible for that. This is just a superficial take of course, since I only have what you've said here, but I'm saying GOOD ON YOU. You didn't run away like a weasel. You just did what you needed to do, to get out of a situation where you might have to deal with something embarrassing, confusing, hurtful or draining. You have every right to do that, every moment of your life.

And congrats on bypassing the binge!

Ulwaz

well done, you should feel proud

culo97

But here's the success. I stopped the binging thoughts dead in their tracks. I talked to myself the whole way home: "Do not soothe yourself with a binge, do not order a huge dinner from takeout, you go home, have a normal dinner, and cry your little heart out for all you lost if that's what you want to do. You won't feel better if you abuse your body with food."

So I didn't abuse my body with food. I let myself cry without judgment and then I ate the big salad I had made.

I am telling you, that one act of resistance, that refusal to hurt myself, that opportunity taken to feel and reflect, is a much bigger deal than the pounds I've lost to date. Because I now know that I have it in me to put the brakes on rather than let the wheels come off in dramatic fashion.

Your level of self awareness and self reflection is remarkable. You should be proud to call yourself an adult.

I'm proud of you for talking yourself out of your emotional crisis instead of eating yourself out of it.

greentart

YAY FOR YOU!! On both, the eating part, and the recognizing that you had made a mistake. A lot of people can't do either, and it shows your growth and maturity that you are able to do such.

I admire and commend you for your actions!

CA_Underdog

That is exactly where I want to be...

That's what I was thinking.

LosingExtraKristy

Great job!!!! :flowerforyou:

tkillion810

Thank you for sharing this!!! There's so much to be read in your message. You should be so proud of yourself. I will take a page from your book today. Years later, I still struggle with binges and emotional eating. Great job allowing yourself to feel the emotions and not cover them with food. Hi5!

oedipa_maas

I am so grateful to everyone for reading my post and giving me so much encouragement. It means a lot to me. Thank you thank you!

oedipa_maas

I can relate to being careless of those who love me, and losing close friends as a result. I don't know that I'd have had the fortitude to react any better if in a confined bus with them.

You're very strong to admit all this and avoid a binge!

Thank you, my friend!

oedipa_maas

I was really struck by this story. I have a similar one. A woman friend, older than me, had become a kind of mother figure to me after my parents died. I was getting to know her at my own pace, and suddenly she invited me to take a train trip with her to another city. To this day I have no idea why I panicked, but I did! I stalled and asked her to wait while I made a decision. And then never really got back to her. Doh.

For a long time I had many layers of confusion and guilt around this. She did some childish get-back stuff to me later on, and I figured I deserved it. But I kind of latched on to her newly spiteful behavior, and started using it as my justification for having rejected her previously. Which really makes no sense. Anyway, she made a few attempts to get back in touch, but I never wanted to. I was still so mad!

Years later I've come to the conclusion that NOBODY was at fault. I actually have the right to do or not do anything I choose. I don't even have to be polite about it if I don't feel like it. If I feel like withdrawing, I can do that. I personally wish I had been more tactful about it, because my friend was a nice person overall. But I don't regret refusing to let someone strong-arm me into a trip I didn't want to take.

So long story short - and what I want to urge you to consider - is that you did nothing wrong. It sounds like your former friend came to you and accused you of all kinds of things - breaking her heart? Sheesh. You are not responsible for that. This is just a superficial take of course, since I only have what you've said here, but I'm saying GOOD ON YOU. You didn't run away like a weasel. You just did what you needed to do, to get out of a situation where you might have to deal with something embarrassing, confusing, hurtful or draining. You have every right to do that, every moment of your life.

And congrats on bypassing the binge!

It's amazing to me that you can get to a place of such clarity--and an understanding that we have the right to our decisions and feelings, just like anyone else. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

oedipa_maas

But here's the success. I stopped the binging thoughts dead in their tracks. I talked to myself the whole way home: "Do not soothe yourself with a binge, do not order a huge dinner from takeout, you go home, have a normal dinner, and cry your little heart out for all you lost if that's what you want to do. You won't feel better if you abuse your body with food."

So I didn't abuse my body with food. I let myself cry without judgment and then I ate the big salad I had made.

I am telling you, that one act of resistance, that refusal to hurt myself, that opportunity taken to feel and reflect, is a much bigger deal than the pounds I've lost to date. Because I now know that I have it in me to put the brakes on rather than let the wheels come off in dramatic fashion.

Your level of self awareness and self reflection is remarkable. You should be proud to call yourself an adult.

I'm proud of you for talking yourself out of your emotional crisis instead of eating yourself out of it.

Thank you so so much. I'm a late bloomer on that adult thing...but maybe not as far away from it as I think!

oedipa_maas

Thank you for sharing this!!! There's so much to be read in your message. You should be so proud of yourself. I will take a page from your book today. Years later, I still struggle with binges and emotional eating. Great job allowing yourself to feel the emotions and not cover them with food. Hi5!

It's so hard, isn't it? When my eating disorder was raging years ago, I couldn't imagine stopping for even a moment. It was all pain pain pain eat eat eat starve starve starve. Awful.

Here we both are on the good road. Thanks so much for your kind words.