My boyfriend is obese

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staystrong4life
staystrong4life Posts: 3
in Motivation and Support
Hello all,
I have a serious issue that I have been dealing with for many months now. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and I love him very much. Both of us were fit and healthy when we first started dating. I had just lost about 25 pounds a few months before we got together. He was also previously overweight. However, now he has gained almost all his weight back. His BMI puts him in the obese category. I want him to be healthy because I am worried that he isn't taking his health seriously. He let himself go. We are now in a long distance relationship because I am in college pursuing my dream to become a dietitian. We have talked about his weight and he keeps on telling me he will get the weight off. However, he is a truck driver and lives a sedentary lifestyle. He'd rather watch tv and relax instead of going to the gym or doing something active. I don't just mean an hour or so relaxing. It's many hours in a row. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am reaching out to you all because I'm trying to get different opinions. I am no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend. Intercourse is painful because I just don't get excited anymore. I just have no interest in that area with him because of his weight. I know it sounds bad but it has recently become a major turnoff. I feel uncomfortable taking my clothes off in front of him. I don't know why. I love him and want to marry him someday, but I just don't know what to do now. I've tried everything I can to motivate him to go to the gym, eat healthier, use smaller portions, and drink lots of water. Since I am 400 miles away from him for weeks at a time, I have no idea what he is actually doing. His nutrition knowledge is a minimum. When I try to explain a certain point to him (such as why carbs are important), he tends to argue back with something that his friend told him or diet advertisement. I'm a nutrition major and I feel like he is not paying attention to me or doesn't think I know what I am talking about. Please can someone help me. I don't want to end our relationship over his weight, but I don't know how to boost his motivation.
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Replies

  • BramageOMG
    BramageOMG Posts: 319 Member
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    You are young: Time to find something (someone) new. You outlined a compelling case for change, and that's what you should do.
  • PennyVonDread
    PennyVonDread Posts: 432 Member
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    His body, his choice. If he doesn't like being active or depriving himself, he's not obligated to do that. Ever. If he asks for help and support, go for it, but don't invite yourself in to "save" him. He knows he's fat. Shaming him for it won't help anything. Don't bring it up unless he does.
  • kaseyr1505
    kaseyr1505 Posts: 624 Member
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    Ultimately, he will not change unless he wants to. You can make choices to increase your happiness, because that's what you are in control of. I can't really tell you what that means, because it's a personal thing.

    Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're totally into him. You have so much about him that you want to change, and that's not fair to you or him.

    Has HE told you that he's unhappy with his body and lifestyle, or are you trying to push what you want onto him?
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
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    Not wanting sex for any reason is a bad sign as far as long-term love goes. If you marry the guy, you'll both get old and wrinkled eventually. Do you want a life partner you don't have sex with?

    You're trying to make him change, too, another bad sign. And it rarely ends well.

    And he's listening to his friends and not you about your area of expertise. Does he think you're not paying attention in class? Or is he just making excuses to do what he wants without you pestering him? Either way, not good.

    Truck driver is a hard, long (ridiculously long hours in many cases) and yes, sedentary job. And even if it weren't, he isn't going to make changes until he's ready.
  • Clauduchinno
    Clauduchinno Posts: 26
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    Oh sweetheart..

    I know this sounds very tough, I have been through the exact same thing. Although in this case I was the guy.

    Honestly, as the saying goes, you can't help someone who won't help themselves. You can try and be supportive but if he doesn't listen/take your advice it is only going to go downhill.

    Maybe be blunt about it. Print this paragraph that you've written and read it to him out loud. It will open his eyes.. The fact that you don't want to leave him but you are concerned about his weight might give him a self realization that he has let himself go. Try jog his memory to when you first met and how both of you were happy, active and feeling good about yourselves and each other.

    Really hope this helps.

    X
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
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    Bad news: the fact that you're asking us means you've made up your mind already and are just working through it. Relationship is over unless a kneecap to kneecap, eyeball to eyeball conversation happens and you make clear everything you wrote here.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    Interesting choice for a first post...

    but...I'd say you should not marry him if you are already losing attraction over this.
  • facecrack
    facecrack Posts: 2
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    In regards to "he argues back with something that his friend told him", I always love it when people who are fat tell me how to get fit! Seems like he needs an ultimatum. Me, or food and TV. Seriously, if he does, then he did it because he cares about BOTH of you. If he doesn't and you leave, then you haven't wasted any more of your time with someone who you aren't attracted to and will probably die much earlier than you.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
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    Stellar first post.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    tl;dr just break up
  • NormInv
    NormInv Posts: 3,302 Member
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    next time use paragr

    aphs
  • staystrong4life
    staystrong4life Posts: 3
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    He says he doesn't like his lifestyle or how big he has gotten. He recently saw an old picture of us from when we first started dating and was shocked of how skinny he was. It's not just the outside that has changed. He's just doesn't act like the old boyfriend I used to see him as. He is grumpier and negative. He said he is committed to lose weight for real this time, but I've heard this before. It's like a yoyo with him.
  • NormInv
    NormInv Posts: 3,302 Member
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    as a guy I WILL NEVER go out with a girl with a fat boyfriend! oh the horror
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
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    He says he doesn't like his lifestyle or how big he has gotten. He recently saw an old picture of us from when we first started dating and was shocked of how skinny he was. It's not just the outside that has changed. He's just doesn't act like the old boyfriend I used to see him as. He is grumpier and negative. He said he is committed to lose weight for real this time, but I've heard this before. It's like a yoyo with him.

    If he drives a typical truck driver work week, he's working almost double the average wage slave's work week. I'd be worse than grumpy on that schedule, I'd be homicidal. And maybe instead of killing people, I'd eat everything in sight. Have you asked him if his job is an issue? If so, maybe he can find another one.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
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    uh oh
  • staystrong4life
    staystrong4life Posts: 3
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    I just feel so torn.
  • coboltpunch
    coboltpunch Posts: 15
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    Leave him lol
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    If it makes it easier, just think of all the truck driver shenanigans that are probably going on.
  • Tomboly1
    Tomboly1 Posts: 42
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    I think the key you need to remember is that you cannot change anyone but yourself. His health is entirely in his hands, no matter how you feel about it. If health and wellness is an important part of your life (which it seems to be) you are probably not in the right relationship. You should never date someone expecting them to change for you.

    I know you probably feel like, "Well if he loved me he would do this for me." I understand that feeling, I have felt it before as well. Maybe for a time he'll try it, but it won't be sincere if he is only doing it for you. Pretty soon he will snap right back to who he really wants to be. Relationships never work if you ask someone to change for you. I know I am repeating myself but I think it is a really important point!
  • PennyVonDread
    PennyVonDread Posts: 432 Member
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    In regards to "he argues back with something that his friend told him", I always love it when people who are fat tell me how to get fit! Seems like he needs an ultimatum. Me, or food and TV. Seriously, if he does, then he did it because he cares about BOTH of you. If he doesn't and you leave, then you haven't wasted any more of your time with someone who you aren't attracted to and will probably die much earlier than you.

    The ultimatum will almost guarantee a crash diet and regain. It needs to be an honest life investment in self, or it won't stick. He doesn't seem to genuinely enjoy exercise if his hobbies are mostly sedentary. He won't have the momentum to maintain if it's a scare tactic ploy to change him. It all sounds so psychologically damaging that it would be better to break up if he and you can't run parallel lifestyles. It'll hurt, but lifes short and there's 6 billion "fish in sea."

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