How do you tell someone they are too skinny?
modernfemme
Posts: 454 Member
So during the course of my life, I've met many people who are an inspiration to me. They lost weight fast, be it they decided to get in shape or shed some baby weight or what have you. But here is what happens.
Step 1: They gain weight.
Step 2: They lose weight and they look fantastic.
Step 3: Wow, they lost more weight and I can see the collarbone, and omg is that a rib? Wow, her cheeks are sunken.
How do you kindly say to someone that perhaps they are overdoing it and now they are TOO thin?? Is it any of my business? How to you tell someone they aren't only scary looking, but unhealthy???
It's almost like people, who perhaps have been heavy for a while, always see themselves as overweight and can't stop losing it.
Step 1: They gain weight.
Step 2: They lose weight and they look fantastic.
Step 3: Wow, they lost more weight and I can see the collarbone, and omg is that a rib? Wow, her cheeks are sunken.
How do you kindly say to someone that perhaps they are overdoing it and now they are TOO thin?? Is it any of my business? How to you tell someone they aren't only scary looking, but unhealthy???
It's almost like people, who perhaps have been heavy for a while, always see themselves as overweight and can't stop losing it.
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Replies
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Technically it isn't your business, but I've told people in similar cases. I'm a pretty silly person though, so it doesn't come off as too serious or offending. Approach the person depending on how close they are to you ?0
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You can see my colarbone, and ribs, and I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. As a matter of fact, my doctor sent me a letter to let me know how proud she was of the changes that I made.
I would highly suggest not saying anything unless you know all of your facts.
Just sayin.
Steph0 -
Keep following them around and taking photos. When you score the skeletor photo, show them and see how they think they look.0
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I think you'd be treading in some pretty dangerous waters. Unless you're really close to the person, it may not come across as concerned but nosy and jealous. I will say, one of my goals is to see my collarbones so I don't know if that's a good measure of someone being too skinny. I think sometimes it's just the comparison to how they looked before that's skews it - if they'd never been overweight or needed to lose weight, they might look just right to you.0
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It's not your business UNLESS you are a Friend/Relative of the person (Friend meaning a Confidante NOT an Acquaintance, Office Mate, Go get coffee on our break...) , and even then you need to know the person's HEALTH situation. Some people need to get even smaller than "you" think if they are having a health challenge or trying to avoid a health challenge or perhaps "family history.". So know your facts before YOU decide that the person "looks" too skinny for YOU.
I have found that overweight people not only tend to have a distorted view of portion size BUT also a distorted view of body size.0 -
Unless they are getting into the realm of UNHEALTHY skinny, I don't think it's an issue or necessarily your place to say anything.
If they ARE to the point of getting sick/weak from it... Buy them a cheeseburger and offer a bit of friendly advice. Talk to them about how they are feeling. It's possible they aren't seeing the warning signs that you are noticing.0 -
Unless it is someone I'm very close with, I'd butt out. BTW, I can see my collarbone and I still have lbs to lose. Not a good measure of someone who's too thin IMO.0
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Step 3: Wow, they lost more weight and I can see the collarbone, and omg is that a rib? Wow, her cheeks are sunken.
Those aren't the best evidance of a problem. Unless her weight loss goes into the medically unhealthy range or if she develops an eatting disorder I would keep my mouth shut.0 -
is it me?
hmmm, that's a tough one. people don't like to be told nothing that they don't ask for help with. i suppose if they are not doing anything unhealthy, like vomiting or starving, just leave them be. there is nothing you can tell them. it's almost like telling someone they are too fat...they don't want to hear it .0 -
I know what you mean! I know someone who had gastric bypass and she has become consumed with being skinny. She is so skinny, she looks sick. I would NEVER say anything though, I just think it. I think this girl looked better before the surgery. Skinny isnt always healthy.0
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colarbones should show. and on certain body types ribs too, though not sunken ribs. If you are close to this person mention your concern to them, but start the conversation casually by saying they have done a great job and congrats on the weight loss. Maybe ask them what their goals are. If they say another 15 lbs, tell them you really think they dont need to lose any more. If the conversation goes there naturally, tell them you are a little concerned that they are or stay healthy. Don't jump right to that point though or they will probably be defensive and just think you are jealous.0
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I don't think it is your business to say anything at all. I would suggest making a few coffee or gym dates to connect better with this person so that if they choose to talk to you they can, but I would not say anything unless asked directly.
So many people hand out comments to people who are losing weight, Im about 30 pounds to my goal, so still in the "overweight" category and I've already had people tell me that I already look "good enough" and that I really shouldn't lose any more weight or I might to "too skinny". These comments are just others subtle way of sabotage because they may not feel comfortable with my changes . . . and every one of them are unwelcome.
If someone wants your opinion they will ask for it.0 -
Seeing a collar bone or a rib does not automatically mean that person is underweight or "too" skinny. They could in fact be within the healthy weight designated for their height and age. What you feel is too skinny could be healthy, and telling a healthy person they are too skinny is as insulting and judgemental as telling someone they are too fat. Unless you have proof or reason to believe the person is significantly underweight and in danger from an eating disorder I wouldn't say anything.0
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Eh, you can see my collarbone and ribs. Heck, you can see m y backbone! Yes there is still parts of me that need weight gone like the rest of my stomach pooch. Though it's tiny, it's still there and still belly fat.
I'd just mind my own business.0 -
Interesting. I think I disagree about speaking up. Perhaps it is because one of my best friends dealt with anorexia for years and I never said anything to her. I knew she was too small, but I figured it was none of my business. She ended up in rehab for her eating disorder for 2 years....a hospitalized rehab. She has asked me on many, many occasions why I did not speak up. She is hurt that I never said anything to her - to her, that meant I didn't care. She was crying out for attention with the eating disorder and I did not respond....in any fashion. A mistake I will not make again.
In my experience, I'd speak up, but in a loving way. If she truly has no eating disorder and is healthy (in all aspects...mentally, physcially, emotionally) she will not be offended by your concern.
As in the "how" to do it you should express concern about her health. Don't even mention her looks. Saying she's too skinny is rewarding to those who are trying to get "too skinny." Telling her she's lost too much weight is like winning a medal. This is what I've learned through therapy classes with my friend.
Anyways, I should clarify that I DO agree with the previous posters that if you are not close friends with her, I wouldn't say anything and I do agree that you can't base it on her collarbones and ribs.0 -
I have to agree that your physical examples of why this person is too skinny are not good measurements. When I was at a healthy weight (though I still probably had a somewhat high body fat percentage) my collar bones were quite visible. In fact that was the reason a person accused me of having an eating disorder. When you're used to seeing someone who is overweight suddenly seeing them without the extra fat will definitely change their appearance, whether they are healthy or not really can't be determined just by looking at them. Of course, there is a point when it's obvious, but unless this person weighs 80 pounds you really can't tell for sure.
As far as whether or not you should say something, that's entirely up to you. But given your place in your own weight loss journey and depending on how well you know this person it can more than likely not come across well, especially if they were overweight for quite some time. I agree that people who have been overweight for a long time have a hard time getting their minds to catch up with what is actually shown in the mirror, but in most cases, it just isn't anyone else's place to comment on when they think someone else is too thin.0 -
As someone that was really thin growing up being told you are too thin and need to gain weight is just as hurtful as being told you are fat and need to lose weight. No matter who it comes from.0
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I'm a dude, and I can see my clavical and ribs (when I lift my arms up). Yet still, have a semi-big gut and love handles sitting around. I think it's actually pretty normal that when you're getting that lean, you look what people define as "too skinny," until you actually build enough muscle mass to just look ripped instead. Serratis muscles for instance will go over the ribs eventually if you're working them out properly, and collar bones are pretty normal to see on any healthy human being.0
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Just to clarify a few points: I used to be underweight myself back in high school college so I definitely know the difference between being petite with a small frame and being so skinny that you look unhealthy and sick. I used to get made fun of all the time, including being called anorexic, which I wasn't.
My collarbone definitely shows, even overweight as I am, but hopefully the drastic appearance and the gauntness were the biggest red flags. Sometimes it's downright startling, especially when they drop weight super fast. This isn't a simple case of omg she is skinny, she must be sick. We're talking dark circles, bones protruding in unflattering ways. Friends and family who literally look like they are going to cave in on themselves.
Naturally I don't want their reaction to be like, "she would say that, she is so fat!" which is why I asked you all for advice. Thanks to those who did not flame me and assumed I was smart enough to know someone who was healthy, and someone who was not.0 -
NNNvm then to what i said. looks like you know what to do anyway.
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So during the course of my life, I've met many people who are an inspiration to me. They lost weight fast, be it they decided to get in shape or shed some baby weight or what have you. But here is what happens.
Step 1: They gain weight.
Step 2: They lose weight and they look fantastic.
Step 3: Wow, they lost more weight and I can see the collarbone, and omg is that a rib? Wow, her cheeks are sunken.
How do you kindly say to someone that perhaps they are overdoing it and now they are TOO thin?? Is it any of my business? How to you tell someone they aren't only scary looking, but unhealthy???
It's almost like people, who perhaps have been heavy for a while, always see themselves as overweight and can't stop losing it.
I lost a decent amount of weight ...like maybe 30 lbs total on a frame that wasn't that huge to begin with. I am well within the healthy range however for my height. At first my face looked a little sunken etc but I was eating enough and exercising. I was actually a daily struggle to stop losing weight People made all kind of "cute" or "funny" comments to me about wasting away etc...I found them to be horribly offensive, especially when said in front of my kids. I finally had a blow up at a lady who commented about me eating a cookie or something...she thought she was humorous. Like I said I am well within healthy for my height...My change was dramatic for a while. Over the last month or two my body has adjusted and while I have maintained the weight loss my face doesn't look as sunken etc.
Unless you are close with this person and you know the numbers etc...ie her weight and her height and whether or not she is within a healthy range then I would keep my comments to myself. She may be struggling herself emotionally with how to maintain and stop losing or she might be perfect...who knows. People are getting used to this size me...and no longer comment...you may just need an adjustment phase to her possibly healthy changes. If she is indeed unhealthy then I would approach with kid gloves.0 -
I would just say something. Just think it through carefully. The poster that commented on saying " wow your really skinny" is like a medal of honor and she will probably want to lose more. How very true. Obviously you are concerned about this person so just step up and say something. You are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't.
We all joke about people being too thin and just taking them out for a burger to fatten them up. Its not true and not helpful.
I am dealing with this same type of issue right now and people tell me that I am getting too thin. That might be true, might not be. Doesn't matter what someone says to me, at least I know they are concerned and yes, I take it all as a compliment.
Ribs, backbones, collarbones its all good. Where I would really get concerned is dark circles, over exercising or sever under eating, sunk in cheeks too.
Good luck and I think its awesome that you are such a good person to want to say something at all. 0 -
It's SUCH an unchartered grey area. We live in a world where skinny is considered perfect and the ideals we have to live up to are usually unrealistic. We also live in a society that is plagued with eating disorders (whether they be anorexia/bulimia etc or overeating).
Would you equally approach a person that was too overweight and raise the issue despite the fact that the health ramifications are also pretty dire?
If we're going to look at BMI (which is still used, however considered a pretty inaccurate way to judge a person's weight these days), mine would say that my healthy weight range is between 131-153lbs. Now I would say that 131lbs for me would make me look odd and I can't imagine ever being that small. I don't really have any interest in it either, but there are a lot of people that take those numbers to heart.
The person you are referring to... Is she a family member or close friend? Do you know her eating plan and exercise routine well? If she's consuming (for example) 500 cal's per day and exercising for 5 hours then hey, that's not good and in the interest of her health then perhaps it is your right to speak out and voice your concerns. In this instance you must be prepared for backlash because a lot of people don't feel the need to justify their lifestyles BUT if we never said anything, there would be thousands of individuals dyin prematurely because of eating disorders, Parents send their teenage daughters for help if they "get too skinny."
If this is not the case and she eat's well and exercises properly and has just lost the weight with a lifestyle overhaul then I think that keeping this to yourself is probably the best plan. Collarbones and ribs are OK on the right physique. I'm anxiously awaiting mine to appear somewhat visable!!!
I think the message here is make sure you have all your i's dotted and your t's crossed before you try staging an intervention. It might not be well received.0 -
Sounds like your friend is bordering on an eating disorder if they look THAT unhealthy.
In which case, I'd say it's not your place to say anything.
If anything, you shouldn't enable a less than ideal situation and leave it at that.0 -
I don't think we can tell others that they're too thin any more than we can tell them that they're too fat...
Charmagne0 -
Keep following them around and taking photos. When you score the skeletor photo, show them and see how they think they look.
Or they will report you to the creeper police0 -
Interesting. I think I disagree about speaking up. Perhaps it is because one of my best friends dealt with anorexia for years and I never said anything to her. I knew she was too small, but I figured it was none of my business. She ended up in rehab for her eating disorder for 2 years....a hospitalized rehab. She has asked me on many, many occasions why I did not speak up. She is hurt that I never said anything to her - to her, that meant I didn't care. She was crying out for attention with the eating disorder and I did not respond....in any fashion. A mistake I will not make again.
Interesting dilemma b/c I would have expected that if you HAD said something to her you would have lost her as a friend a long time ago. The grass is always greener right? That’s not really fair of her to be hurt after the fact b/c you didn't say anything. Don't take it to heart, just move forward in your friendship and hopefully she works out her demons with food.
I personally wouldn’t say anything unless it was my immediate family member. The rest of the world can do as they wish including friends. I have multiple people telling me daily I'm skinny and I'm not (BMI of 20.5) and b/c of this pressure to eat I've probably put on 2 lbs in the past few months hindering my overall goal of loosing just 8 gained on my honeymoon. As we speak I have 4 pieces of cake in a Rubbermaid in the fridge. I bring a Rubbermaid to work now so when people force food on me I can put it aside (much easier than saying no) and either give it to my husband or save it for a cheat day.0 -
Would you equally approach a person that was too overweight and raise the issue despite the fact that the health ramifications are also pretty dire?
Excellent point in any situation. :happy:0 -
I understand. I know a guy (as an acquaintance) who jumped on the raw vegan bandwagon and went from being trim and athletic to looking like he just stepped out of a concentration camp. He got down to 130 lbs (he's about 6' tall) I never said anything because I felt it wasn't my place but I did brooch the subject with his close friend who mentioned they already told him they were concerned. He just said that he was healthy and they just didn't understand because they were meat eaters. (?!)
Now talking to him is like talking to an elderly stroke victim and he's only in his 30's. If I had to do it again would I have said something to him? No.
Now if it was a close friend of mine and I saw them gaining or losing weight RAPIDLY you bet your butt I'd say something to them.
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Make them a sandwich!0
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