Would you be angry and if so, What do you do..?

closertogoal

Okay, so I have lost 130 pounds and had some regain. I had gastric bypass surgery. I was very overweight. So last night I was talking with a friend who has weight issues and she said to me.. well I wish I was fat enough to have the surgery that you did. um excuse me.??? I was soo offended. I stopped talking to her. She is a big girl too. I don't know I just thought very RUDE.

Meerataila

Maybe she genuinely wishes that. Probably depends on facial expression and tone of voice whether she was just being a snot or not.

closertogoal

To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

LemonLizard

Sounds like the time when my friend said "I wish I weighed as much as you so I could lose that much weight". C'mon now... She practically starves herself, too, so I don't appreciate that she would consider that bragging rights when she doesn't even put any physical effort to getting the body she wants, while doing harm to herself.

tldr I would probably be mad

dciolf1

don't worry about what other people think and focus on creating healthier happier you.

also, don't lose a friend over a stupid comment, take a deep breath and just let it go.

TavistockToad

To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

She wasn't saying that... She didn't say you were really fat.... She was talking about herself.

Meerataila

You could always let her know she offended you and ask her what she meant by it.

Icandoityayme

It sounds like she really meant that. She may have been a little jealous that you have lost the weight and she is having problems with it. Too many times women compare themselves to other women and this is what happens. I understand being upset but it probably would help if you thought about where she might have been coming from. She probably didn't mean to offend you but sometimes things just come out the wrong way. I would just talk to her about it and tell her how it made you feel. I wouldn't lose a friendship over it.

Samstan101

If she is a friend then I think she's badly worded what is actually a complement. I'd take it to mean that you look great having lost the weight and the surgery obviously helped you do that. She wishes she could lose her excess weight the same way as its worked for you.

If she isn't heavy enough to 'qualify' (sorry not sure how it works as personally not something I looked into or considered) then perhaps you could point her to this site so she can see that you can lose weight with or without surgery.

Alternatively she thinks that the surgery made it easy for you in which case she is misinformed and rude!

helenarriaza

I broke my back a couple of years ago and I was bedridden for a while, a friend told me; oh man I am so tired from work and school, I wish I broke my back so I could get some rest like you.

So yeah, pretty much the same thing.

It's an expression, they want something (no matter how grave) to happen for them to get the solution handed in a silver platter.

QuietBloom

To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

She wasn't saying that... She didn't say you were really fat.... She was talking about herself.

Agree. Not everything is about you OP.That might sound mean, but it's something that I had to learn and it has saved me a lot of emotional turmoil over the years.

scottkjar

This was an episode of The Simpsons. Homer needed to lose weight but couldn't. So instead, the doctor fattened him up so he could have the surgery.

But your friend was really saying that she doesn't have the willpower to lose weight. It was not a comment about you; it was a comment about her own weakness. There is no need for you to be angry of her admission of her own weakness.

SunofaBeach14

People saying silly things can only be made worse by that internal voice that interprets everything as a personal attack. You have control over one of those.

gypsy_spirit

People saying silly things can only be made worse by that internal voice that interprets everything as a personal attack. You have control over one of those.

I love it when someone puts my thoughts into words for me. :flowerforyou: You control your internal dialogue.

ladyofthelakeontario

She said it in response to her own frustration with herself and her situation.

I have an optic condition. It's bad enough to impact my day to day life, including prevent me from driving, but it is not bad enough for my doctors to want to risk surgery for it yet. A friend with a similar condition has had a ton of help from organizations due to being visually impaired, and has been able to explore treatment options I haven't been able to. As a result, she now has better vision than I do and a support network I don't yet have access to. I do not for one minute want to take that away from her, nor do I want to get worse, but sometimes I do get frustrated and say things like "I wish my eyes were as bad as yours."

I can understand questioning it, but I would be surprised if the comment had anything to do with you or your weight-loss journey. It has everything to do with her and hers.

hlcook

Okay, so I have lost 130 pounds and had some regain. I had gastric bypass surgery. I was very overweight. So last night I was talking with a friend who has weight issues and she said to me.. well I wish I was fat enough to have the surgery that you did. um excuse me.??? I was soo offended. I stopped talking to her. She is a big girl too. I don't know I just thought very RUDE.

That comment wasn't about you ... it was about her. Clearly.

amusedmonkey

I wouldn't be offended, I would just tell her jokingly "well, you are already well on your way there so all you have to do is eat more of the same and hopefully you will get to the point where you can have the surgery pretty soon", then ask her if she needs help or support losing the extra weight she does have.

I don't know, but maybe being very big for very long I have developed thick skin when it comes to my weight, and it's very hard to offend me. I mean I know I'm big, no need to tiptoe around me and pretend like I'm not. It's a fact just like I know I have green eyes and would be silly to pretend otherwise. And like the color of my eyes, my weight does not define me or make me any less valuable or amazing than any other person.

The other day my cousin said to me "You've lost so much weight! If I attempted to lose as much weight as you did I would disappear." He's not all that lean himself. It made me smile, and I said "Thank you, I'm glad you've noticed my hard work". He was either trying to give me a compliment, albeit crude, or thinking of me as "fat" made him feel better about himself. In both cases it's a good thing. It means he is either inspired by me and contemplating how much he would have to lose, or he is feeling insecure which - knowing him - would spark him into action.

Bernadette60614

What's the point of getting angry?

I figure this: During the course of each of my friendships, I'm going to say something stupid.

My friends with say their share of stupid things.

However, I'll also be funny, supportive, interesting.

So, will my friends.

So long as the stuff you enjoy about your friend outweighs the stupid stuff, just figure that this is one the times a good friend said a stupid thing.

JoMoMOMx3

This was an episode of The Simpsons. Homer needed to lose weight but couldn't. So instead, the doctor fattened him up so he could have the surgery.

But your friend was really saying that she doesn't have the willpower to lose weight. It was not a comment about you; it was a comment about her own weakness. There is no need for you to be angry of her admission of her own weakness.

I agree with this. There's been many times I wish I could have my fat removed surgically. It boiled down to me being too lazy to get up and do the work myself.

xsmilexforxmex

I doubt she meant to offend you... seems more like she was indirectly admitting she feels she *CANT* lose the weight and wants the 'easy' way out. I'm not gonna lie, I have friends who admit it and even I've thought about it... "Man, it looks so easy, I wish I was big enough to get that" but then remember that I don't want to be bigger and the struggle would be so much harder in the long term. Maybe just talk to her, clarify... explain the kind of diet you have to be on and talk to her about her options... and discuss how it made you feel like she was saying you were fat before.

edit to add: you look great BTW!

Francl27

I think she just meant she wants to lose weight and doesn't want to put the work, but she's clearly not informed about how the surgery works... and think you lost weight the 'easy' way. I think it's what I would be offended about... there's no denial that I was fat here, and I wouldn't be offended if someone said I was.

Unknown

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besaro

you could have just said, "well, i think you might be fat enough, you should check into it" you did say she was big.

andeey

It was an off the cuff remark about herself that certainly wasn't intended to offend you. She probably struggles (like, oh, most people) with losing weight and the concept of your surgery may seem "easier" in her mind, so she blurted something out in a wistful manner. Like, "wow, I wish I could just take a pill and lose all the weight..."

I would recommend you let it go and move on. And just so you know, OP, you asked us all what we thought and we're telling you .. from what I've read so far, not one person said they would be angry, so that should give you pretty good anecdotal evidence that you may have taken this in the wrong way.

ge105

When I was a kid my cousin and I were pretty fat. She had terrible teeth. She got braces that were so painful she didn't eat for weeks after she got them. Then she got E. coli or something like that. She lost like 30lbs in just a few weeks. I remember thinking...I wish I needed braces and couldn't eat. Or caught a bug and couldn't eat. It was a terrible thing to wish but I thought I wouldn't be able to lose it any other way. Its not that I thought it was a walk in the park to have painful braces or a horrible gut issue; I was just desperate and thought I couldn't do it on my own. I think your friend might feel similarly desperate and hopeless about HERSELF and it was not a comment on you.

KnM0107

To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

But she didn't say that. Your mind came up with this on it's own. Her comment was not about you.

chicagoliz

Okay, so I have lost 130 pounds and had some regain. I had gastric bypass surgery. I was very overweight. So last night I was talking with a friend who has weight issues and she said to me.. well I wish I was fat enough to have the surgery that you did. um excuse me.??? I was soo offended. I stopped talking to her. She is a big girl too. I don't know I just thought very RUDE.

I don't know -- I'm sorry, but I really don't understand why you were offended. The gastric bypass surgery has parameters for qualification. You met those parameters. You were fat. You had the surgery.

You lost 130 pounds. You're not proud of that?

I could understand if someone thought you had the surgery but you had not. You had the surgery. What am I missing?

RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle

I hope that I wouldn't be angry. I know that sometimes, when I feel really comfortable with a friend, I feel like I can open my heart and be very honest about my thoughts, even ones that could be easily misconstrued. I never mean to hurt a tones feelings though.

On the other hand, I know people who say thoughtless things often, or who deliberately make digs to be hurtful. I don't feel angry when they make personal rude comments to me. I understand that this is the way they are and am ready to hear and disregard their unkind words whenever I speak with them.

helenarriaza

This was an episode of The Simpsons. Homer needed to lose weight but couldn't. So instead, the doctor fattened him up so he could have the surgery.

But your friend was really saying that she doesn't have the willpower to lose weight. It was not a comment about you; it was a comment about her own weakness. There is no need for you to be angry of her admission of her own weakness.

I agree with this. There's been many times I wish I could have my fat removed surgically. It boiled down to me being too lazy to get up and do the work myself.

This. Ever since I was a kid I had the idea stuck in my brain that someone was going to come and "make me pretty".

Now, not so much since I've realized that the "someone" is me.

cheripugh1

Okay, so I have lost 130 pounds and had some regain. I had gastric bypass surgery. I was very overweight. So last night I was talking with a friend who has weight issues and she said to me.. well I wish I was fat enough to have the surgery that you did. um excuse me.??? I was soo offended. I stopped talking to her. She is a big girl too. I don't know I just thought very RUDE.

OK I'm in her shoes, so I do not think she meant it to be an insult to you, and remember we often feel very close to our friends and think we can speak openly and be understood by them....

I see many who are losing lots of weight and fast via a form of GBS and I am struggling so hard and going nowhere fast... at times I wish I was overweight enough to qualify for the surgery myself.

So here is my question: you say that you had some regain, I'm guessing you were talking to her about that?

I think she may have actually been complimenting you, that even with a little regain she envies your loss and how great you are looking and she wishes she could do what you have done to look better too! It is super hard to be obese and on your own, with no physical help blocking some of your weakness of over filling (not that GBS is easy)

toadg53

Ah. Sounds like a friend of mine. She has no filter between her brain and her mouth. The mouth engages with whatever enters the brain. In my group of friends, we take whatever she says with a grain of salt. We all have our faults, this is just one of hers, and we move on.

It reminds me of what my mom once said .... she wished she was diabetic so she could get the good shoes paid for, so she wouldn't have to pay for them herself. GAH!!! REALLY MOTHER??? Sometimes all you can do is shake your head at what people say.

I would say, shake it off and chalk it up to their ignorance. You can't control what other people say and do. Just be glad your own brain functions normally and your brain/mouth filter works.