Men: how much does a woman's weight really matter?
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OP...maybe its too high of expectation(s) or moving too fast too soon...are you scaring them away by things you talk about?
I met my husband over the internet 15+ yrs ago.
I was and still am a 4'2 amputee, he accepted me for me.
He was into sports...basketball, caving, golfing etc whereas I was limited on a lot of those things...I cheered him on from the sidelines.
Something about me perked his interest and it wasn't because I was a "skinny, blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll" I was Me
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I am not bitter, but have been wronged, well yeah I might be a little touchy....considering I lost 80 lbs and don't have nice abs because I have extra skin and have rude, insensitive people telling me I need skin surgery....it's call PEOPLE DO CARE about looks.....you don't need to show off your body to the world to feel successful and THAT was my point. So what I DIDNT WORK hard because I can't take a pic like that without criticism? Why does what someone LOOKS like have to be a marker of their success or confidence? I really think this site is another website to criticize....and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me....but be HONEST MEN & WOMEN put looks as a high priority...at least I"M REAL and know that I have to work really hard to get appreciation based on something other than looks.
I have loose skin too. Plus stretch marks. Plus I'm a single parent who is raising two young boys on my own. Looks are what cause initial attraction, there is no denying this. That's what opens the door to someone finding out more about you. If a guy doesn't look your way it's not worth your time to try to convince him to get to know you. Maybe he's shallow and maybe he's just simply not attracted to you, you'll never know and it is irrelevant.
This site isn't here for criticism. Maybe that's how you view it, but I see a bunch of people giving information, lifting others up, and dispelling horrible weight loss myths. We're here trying to make weight loss easier on those that are just starting. Stating that others are only appreciated for their looks only hurts you because you aren't giving them the chance and getting to know what they are really like. You dismissed me as an attention seeker because I have my abs displayed. I'm REAL too and I have done a hell of a lot for this community; not to be appreciated for something other than my looks, but because I want help improve others' lives.
It sucks when we get wronged and you aren't the only one who has had it happen to them. You need to forget it enough to move on and remember it enough to not let it happen again. Don't let your grudge with someone keep you from building relationships with other people. From your initial post you are just stuck on the idea that guys won't look past your flaws, but that's not it. You continuing to hold onto the ways that others have wronged you is what is hurting you. Stop trying so hard to "get appreciation based on something other than looks" and start living a happy life just being yourself.
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I am not bitter, but have been wronged, well yeah I might be a little touchy....considering I lost 80 lbs and don't have nice abs because I have extra skin and have rude, insensitive people telling me I need skin surgery....it's call PEOPLE DO CARE about looks.....you don't need to show off your body to the world to feel successful and THAT was my point. So what I DIDNT WORK hard because I can't take a pic like that without criticism? Why does what someone LOOKS like have to be a marker of their success or confidence? I really think this site is another website to criticize....and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me....but be HONEST MEN & WOMEN put looks as a high priority...at least I"M REAL and know that I have to work really hard to get appreciation based on something other than looks.
usmcmp has something not often talked about these days... good character.
her character is on display here more often than her abs. you can see it in how she conducts herself, how she treats people, and how she helps people. it's one of many things i appreciate about her.
that's my view, FWIW.0 -
I am not bitter, but have been wronged, well yeah I might be a little touchy....considering I lost 80 lbs and don't have nice abs because I have extra skin and have rude, insensitive people telling me I need skin surgery....it's call PEOPLE DO CARE about looks.....you don't need to show off your body to the world to feel successful and THAT was my point. So what I DIDNT WORK hard because I can't take a pic like that without criticism? Why does what someone LOOKS like have to be a marker of their success or confidence? I really think this site is another website to criticize....and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me....but be HONEST MEN & WOMEN put looks as a high priority...at least I"M REAL and know that I have to work really hard to get appreciation based on something other than looks.
usmcmp has something not often talked about these days... good character.
her character is on display here more often than her abs. you can see it in how she conducts herself, how she treats people, and how she helps people. it's one of many things i appreciate about her.
that's my view, FWIW.
:blushing: Thank you! I'm not perfect, but I really try to help others. :flowerforyou:0 -
If a man won't date you until you are a size 6-8 he's not worth dating. You are worth more than your size or weight. You put the price tag on yourself and don't ever think of reducing it because you aren't a certain size or weight.
ETA: Every guy will have a different opinion on what he likes. Some prefer athletic, some like average, some want skinny, some prefer large. Just be yourself.
Exactly!0 -
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but basically you are saying she has to have a certain LOOK.I have NEVER cared about the weight of a woman I've dated. Now, I'm not trying to give the impression that I'm some sort of "great guy" that can overcome lack of physical attraction for a big brain or a great sense of humor. All I'm saying is I don't give a s**t about numbers (scale/sizes/etc). If a woman has a nice build, curves in the right places and is confident with herself; she's good to go in my book.
And thats wrong because.....???
Lets not be fools..the whole "its on the inside that counts" load of crock is..well, a load of crock.
thats not to say that ALL people are attracted to a wide range of body types..(and not the super buff Hugh Jackman types, not the lean VS model only)..but physical attraction IS the starting point..IME, for a relationship. there has got to be something, physically, that draws you to that person...THEN the bonds of a relationship can form..that is the "inner" beauty we speak of.
THAT is how the relationship sustains.
In my relationships, Ive always had the most success in meeting someone in an activity I enjoy..it a common interest and something we could share together...that is why online dating is kinda weird to me...personally.
Well...back in the day of WebTV...which is how my husband & I met we didn't know each other by "looks."
It was easier and more laid back that neither of us had the pressure(s) of trying to "hook" the other with superficial things...like "looks."
This was Not a dating site....it was GenX where a certain age group of people would hang out and chat.
Since neither of us were "looking" for anything there wasn't any sort of pressure for expectations and our friendship grew.
No, we didn't have the same likes for things....he was into sports....watching & playing...my only involvement was cheering my Hawks on...he for his Cowboys!
I was his 4'2 beautiful brunette who supported him in his endeavors and he reciprocated in mine.0 -
In.
Maybe this thread will survive until morning so I can catch up.0 -
I hate these threads.
Why? I'd be interested to know.
It's an emotional hot button issue and it's difficult to honestly discuss preferences without hurting feelings or being misinterpreted. That, and the premise of the question, that somehow men agree on what they like, is fatally flawed. Put those two together and you have a recipe for pages of anger.
And yet... You couldn't help but express yours, too.
True, though, some people are getting a little overly emotional about this whole thing. Thanks for comments everyone. Some were very insightful while remaining respectful. 0 -
I don't care about weight, other than if it is affecting someone's mobility and health.0
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I am curious how much a man's physique matters to you? How picky are you about the physical fitness of your prospects? Some people are really into physique and it is very important to them that their partner be also. Other people aren't quite as picky, as long as their partner isn't obese they don't mind, but often these people are a little loose with their own fitness from time to time. Then there is another kind of person who is very picky about having an extremely fit partner, yet somehow they are not nearly as fit as what they expect from their partner.
I've dated a wide range of men. From fitness model to 50 lbs overweight. I am looking for a man who's my equal... In looks as well as character, values, and awesome sense of humor! I gotta say, the humor is hard to find, dammit! Yeah...I was really hoping you guys would confirm that the problem WASN'T my personality that was the issue. *sad face*0 -
I only date dem 10's!0
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Mostly what I've seen is that weight doesn't matter a TON to guys as long as she's in a somewhat healthy weight range. And I don't blame them. I wouldn't be physically attracted to a guy if he was extremely out of shape either. It doesn't mean I'm shallow or couldn't like them for who they are but the attraction wouldn't be there. It's only human nature. That being said I think we're all more concerned with our own looks than we are about the opposite sex's.
*please don't bite me for my honesty*0 -
I think it's all down to each person's individual tastes.
I've been dumped by a long term boyfriend before because he claimed he no longer found me attractive because of weight gain. At the same time, I had a friend who claimed they though I was more attractive after gaining weight, because he likes to see plenty of curves on his women. In fact, his current girlfriend is rather voluptuous, but it's just what he likes.
I've been told I'm too big to be considered attractive, and I've been told that I'm just the right size. I've even been told by one person that I'm too thin for their tastes (I'm a UK16/US 12-14).
So I'd say yes, size does matter. But they don't always want you to be thinner.
I think, the most important thing is to be confident in yourself, and the rest will follow.0 -
People are attracted to what they are attracted to....there's no use fighting it. I never faulted anybody for not being attracted to me because of my weight. It is a sad fact that fewer men are attracted to more slender women than those who either don't care or specifically attracted to larger women, but really there's nothing wrong with that. People are entitled to be attracted to whomever and whatever they please.
*shrug*0 -
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I can't fault guys for caring about weight because I'm generally attracted to a certain type of guy that is tall and lean to lightly muscular. It doesn't mean I haven't been attracted to people that don't fit that description, it just usually isn't something that happens on first glance.
That being said, when I used online dating- I was much more interested in whether he read Game of Thrones or was a writer than what his physique was.
Also, maybe change your body settings to average. Some people block curvy/a little extra from appearing in their searches/0 -
I have had a recent foray into online dating, and I am currently size 14. I am confident in myself, as I feel that I am pretty attractive and accomplished regardless of my weight. However, I notice that not getting much response from men in terms of second dates at the least, or a sense of excitement if there is a second date as I do when I'm even at a size 12. My girlfriends insist that weight isn't that big a deal in and if itself... But I don't buy it. When it comes to professional, educated men, does weight truly trump all else when it comes to dating? Am I just wasting my time even putting myself out there up until I'm back to a size 6-8?
Let me take a different approach. In my experience, judging by my current and former clients and colleagues, yes. The razor thin, yoga taking, hot housewife is a bit of a stereotype for a reason. Of course, most of the ones I know have professional degrees themselves and bring a hell of a lot more to the table than looks. But, you have to ask yourself, why is dating an educated and professional man so important to you? Would a sincere, caring, and intelligent fireman really be all that bad? One of the wisest and loving friends I have is an EMT, and he definitely has life figured out. He simply doesn't care about money. What are you bringing to the table in terms of education and career potential? My wife and I were married young, went to school together, got fat together, and got fit together. You have to find someone that fits you in ways that these online dating wish lists don't seem to drill down into. Just keep at it and keep an open mind, and don't be afraid to ask yourself the same questions that you're asking this community.0 -
People are attracted to what they are attracted to....there's no use fighting it. I never faulted anybody for not being attracted to me because of my weight. It is a sad fact that fewer men are attracted to more slender women than those who either don't care or specifically attracted to larger women, but really there's nothing wrong with that. People are entitled to be attracted to whomever and whatever they please.
*shrug*
Quoted because it's too late to edit...I meant to say MORE men are attracted to slender women. Generally.0 -
Am not a man, but met my husband through online dating when I was UK size 16 so I think I can offer some insight:
I think if your profile photo is honest and you're getting first dates then your weight isn't the issue.
When I was dating I had several first dates and didn't go back for a second.
During that time I met several men who would have 'ticked all the boxes' on a wishlist but the chemistry was missing.
That was what made the difference with the date with my husband - we really got on like a house on fire. Our first date was around Christmas time, restaurants were rammed but when the waiter came to take our order we realised neither of us had looked at the menu because we'd been so into chatting with each other.
Try not to assume that there's anything wrong with you (or with them) when you don't get a second date - it just didn't work that time round.
There will be other dates, you only need one of them to work out!
Good luck!0 -
well as a person who has experience through this site for me it doesn't matter, i see beyond that, not gonna say i don't find "normal" weight attractive but it's the person that counts first and foremost, how you come across online, and i think i certainly found someone that i click with on many levels and i wouldn't have it any other way
Clearly it's personal perception tho, what one person likes another might not and some people are shallow, others are not. But hard to tell from online unless you are physically talking to someone or see them face to face how do you know who you are really dealing with.0 -
When I read that the OP was accomplished and seeking an intelligent man I had a read of her profile out of curiosity.
I have to say I was a little disappointed because she likes springtime and bubble baths and hates rush hour and mean people but the truly intelligent, deep thinking females are the ones that like thunderstorms but hate spiders, liars and cheats. That's what I'm after.0 -
I don't understand why she's assumed the only reason men aren't wanting to see her a second time is because of her weight (something that she is remedying by being here).
Assuming she put a fairly representative photo of how she looks in her dating profile it's much more likely these men didn't want to see her a second time because they didn't enjoy her company.0 -
Hi. I know I'm very late to the thread but i will respond anyway. I've been with the same man for nine years. We met when I weighed 155 or so pounds. I'd dated two other men, one of whom I met online, for several months prior to this. The first guy I was bout 165 pounds, the second guy I was about 155. They all like me for who I am. That said, prior to meeting my current guy, I did the online dating thing. I didn't respond a second time to other people, and I also did not get a lot of second dates (some, though), but I think this all had to do with there being no connection. We are all looking for different things in a mate. My self esteem was top notch then, as it is now.I have had a recent foray into online dating, and I am currently size 14. I am confident in myself, as I feel that I am pretty attractive and accomplished regardless of my weight. However, I notice that not getting much response from men in terms of second dates at the least, or a sense of excitement if there is a second date as I do when I'm even at a size 12. My girlfriends insist that weight isn't that big a deal in and if itself... But I don't buy it. When it comes to professional, educated men, does weight truly trump all else when it comes to dating? Am I just wasting my time even putting myself out there up until I'm back to a size 6-8?
Years ago when i was heavier, I didn't have much self esteem, so when I tried to do any dating thing, including online, my self esteem was horrible. I went into the online dating thing with an attitude that I was fat and I was going to be rejected because of it. Therefore, when I met up with these guys, I didn't project a confident self so I never gave any type of relationship, whether friendship or love, a chance. Sure, my weight played into it because there are plenty of men who don't like overweight women, but there are plenty who do.
While this is just my experience, I realize it is not true for all people who are in the dating world. My boyfriend has been overweight since the day I met him (though he's lost about 20 now), and I wouldn't trade him for the thinnest or most buff guy in the world because he has all the qualities I love.
Could it be that your dating experience is simply a no connection type of thing and has nothing to do with your weight? Just bringing up another perspective. 0 -
People are attracted to what they are attracted to....there's no use fighting it. I never faulted anybody for not being attracted to me because of my weight. It is a sad fact that fewer men are attracted to more slender women than those who either don't care or specifically attracted to larger women, but really there's nothing wrong with that. People are entitled to be attracted to whomever and whatever they please.
*shrug*
Jennifer,
Here's the link to review of a book you might like: http://www.joequirk.com/Reviews.html
It's Not You, It's Science: The Real Reason Men and Women are Different talks about the biology of relationships and attraction. Of course, people tend to take rejection personally. I have before.0 -
I was a size 20 when I met my husband online. He loves me no matter what size I am. I am currently a size 24 (was a size 26 before losing some weight) and he loves me just the same.
If size matters to the guy then he is not worth your time. Online dating is a hit or miss too but don't be discouraged if there is no second date, this just means he wasn't the one for you.0 -
Personally, a woman's physical condition matters a lot to me. But not that they have to be some sort of super model, but just that they should be healthy at least. I couldn't ever date someone who was in a terrible state because if they don't care about themselves enough to be healthy, I don't think anyone else can be expected to care about them. Not after perfection, just some sense of loving yourself enough to look after yourself.0
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When it comes to professional, educated men, does weight truly trump all else when it comes to dating? Am I just wasting my time even putting myself out there up until I'm back to a size 6-8?
I'm an engineer - does that qualify? If so, let me put it this way - my wife is a big girl.
Either a) the guys you're meeting are douches, or b) there's other reason(s) for them not being into you.0 -
I used to feel that way too until I met my husband. I wasn't at my thinnest self ever when we first met but apparently was very confident and smiled a lot. He happened to like my legs too. At the time we met, I had just graduated nursing school and was in the process of losing my nursing school weight. About a year into our dating relationship is when I got my thinnest. Recently, I've put on some weight after losing my dad to leukemia and my husband has been understanding. He sees that I'm finally working at getting back on track and tells me not to be so hard on myself for putting on a few pounds. He appreciates me for getting dressed up for him and treating him well.
Real men just need to be respected, and unfortunately some guys out there are just out for a booty call. After that, if he's the right man for you, his heart will grow to accept you and love you as you are. There was definitely an initial attraction when my husband and I first started dating but it took time for us to realize we love each other. Our love grows deeper every day.
I do agree that dating websites can place too much emphasis on looks and that society places too much emphasis on women being skinny twigs. Be proud of your curves and just focus on being healthy 0 -
If I'm truly in love, little.
If I'm in just in lust, a lot.
That's not to say that I don't have standards when I am in love (and I am). We all have preferences. I am married and I truly believe that spouses should work to be as attractive to one another as possible, to help keep the spark alive, keep the heat turned up. But when you're in love, the deeper you go, the more attraction becomes about more than the flesh. My wife has been struggling with weight loss for years, though to a lesser degree than I have. I can objectively state that she's not physically at her most attractive, and that at her size I wouldn't necessarily try and get with her if she was a stranger. But I've loved this woman my entire adult life. My attraction to her, the way she affects my mind, my body, my soul, are entrenched in ways that far eclipse her physical appearance.
When my wife loses the weight, I'll celebrate for her and myself. First and foremost for health, because her weight has adversely affected her health (and she's nowhere near morbidly obese). I'll celebrate because I am attracted viscerally to voluptuous, but fit, bodies (which my wife is at her ideal weight). I'll celebrate because she'll feel better about herself, more confident, and in turn that'll only make us even better.
But even if that stuff never happened, it doesn't change the fact that I love her and I want her even now. She is my soulmate. She means everything to me. What we have can only be enhanced by being in amazing shape, but it can never be destroyed by not.0
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