Classmates dislike me and it's driving me crazy!!

soze

So, I'm not the type of person who goes out of their way to make friends. i think it is probably a defense mechanism from when i was in school as a kid. i tend to keep to myself and am friendly, but i am not what you would call social or a "joiner". i've always been fat, and have been 300-345 pounds for the last 5 years...

i'm currently finishing up my last 5 months in grad school and i'm finding the other students are really not liking me. i am in a program with 30 students, and everyone is pretty close with each other, except for me. this was a conscious choice in that i dont enjoy study groups, don't do the bar/pub thing and am pretty much content being by myself.

Honey, we reap what we sow. You said yourself that you made a conscious choice not to get involved socially in both the academic (study groups) and the purely social, going out scene. You are getting your work done and that's great, but what you aren't doing is making connections that may help you in your future and you aren't making friends.

I'm thinking that they find you aloof and not a team player. You've not made any real effort to get to know these people and to become "real" to them. This is a situation that has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you have conducted yourself.

The classmates who do smile back and say hello are exceptional people. The ones who don't are average and perhaps a little rude, but not exceptionally so considering.

When you join in a study group, you give off the vibe that "we are all in this together". That's were bonds come from. You are giving off a vibe that you are in this alone. You can't fault people when they respect what you are putting out there.

You said that so eloquently. I'm with you.

Sweet13_Princess

AW, don't feel bad. I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've always found myself being socially awkward around other and always would second-guess myself after conversations. I would mentally scold myself for, "Why did I say that?" or "I must have looked like a total idiot" and even "I shouldn't have bothered, I don't think they like me."

Most of the time, I've found that it's just me being hypercritical of myself. I've always kind of lived in my own world and marched to the beat of my own drum and people perceive that sometimes. Does that make me a weirdo? No, that makes me an individual. I'm learned to accept that some people won't always connect with me, and that's okay. It's the people that make the effort to understand me and enjoy what I can bring to the table that makes spending time with them worthwhile.

In any case, don't be upset about the Facebook thing. Behaviors on there seem so isolated compared to the real world. The girl may have just been cleaning up her wall page. I get all kinds of crap posted on there all of the time, so sometimes I delete stuff just to make it more organized. If it bother's you, unfriend her.

I wouldn't delete my account though, just because someone may be a jerk. There are people out there that want to connect with you and you're cutting yourself off by doing that. I also wouldn't give up in your grad classes by isolating yourself. You won't get as much out of the course, in terms of sharing ideas with others. You're paying all of that money, so don't put yourself at a disadvantage! There are probably other students in there that want to get to know you, but are gunshy about approaching you. Keep trying and you'll eventually seek them out. And if you meet a few stumbling blocks along the way, just considering them a speed bump on your radar to finding better company.:-D

Shannon

christabeltoria

I agree with the poster who said that you can't be sure what happened with your facebook post. Sometimes, I'll be sure I've made a comment in reply to someone who's written on my wall, and it won't appear. That's when I discover that I've forgotten to press send!:noway:

soze

Not going to sugar coat this for you like everyone else.

It sounds like you have isolated yourself from the rest of the class from the beginning, and people got the message over time that you just weren't interested in them (being perfectly content to exist in your own little world) regardless of if that was your intention, though I think on some level it was, and like the majority of people in that situation, so you could validate some feeling of victimization.

It's easier to shuck responsibility when you can paste it on the other guys.

You acknowledge that you have this "defensive mechanism" as you put it. Now people are telling you that the other people are rude, and are the ones with the problem (further validation for you, but of no real help), but honestly, to expect any other reaction from your class is ridiculous. Why should they go through the effort now, when you have declined to participate every other time? I don't think it's a case of them not liking you so much as they have probably become indifferent.

Sad fact of the real world is that there are always going to people who don't like you. Another fact that you are going to have to contend with is that people are cliquish by nature, they form groups for the same reason you isolate yourself. The only difference is the driving mechanism behind the actions, one being instinctual, and one probably being emotional.

You aren't going to have friends by sitting alone in your house every night reading a book. Social interaction of any kind requires some degree of active participation.

Not trying to be mean to you here, that's just how things are. There's more than one aspect to treating others how you would like to be treated, if you want people to be more social and friendly toward you, then you have to give the same. There will always be a few who just don't want anything to do with you for whatever reason, but in those cases just move on.

Tough crowd! hehe You are spot on. You know you look like a martial artist, intensity.

I often tell book worms to get out and do something. They will have no career or will not be able to deal with the slightest conflict until they learn some social skills. I have seen this first hand!

suzukigrl

So, I'm not the type of person who goes out of their way to make friends. i think it is probably a defense mechanism from when i was in school as a kid. i tend to keep to myself and am friendly, but i am not what you would call social or a "joiner". i've always been fat, and have been 300-345 pounds for the last 5 years...

i'm currently finishing up my last 5 months in grad school and i'm finding the other students are really not liking me. i am in a program with 30 students, and everyone is pretty close with each other, except for me. this was a conscious choice in that i dont enjoy study groups, don't do the bar/pub thing and am pretty much content being by myself.

Honey, we reap what we sow. You said yourself that you made a conscious choice not to get involved socially in both the academic (study groups) and the purely social, going out scene. You are getting your work done and that's great, but what you aren't doing is making connections that may help you in your future and you aren't making friends.

I'm thinking that they find you aloof and not a team player. You've not made any real effort to get to know these people and to become "real" to them. This is a situation that has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you have conducted yourself.

The classmates who do smile back and say hello are exceptional people. The ones who don't are average and perhaps a little rude, but not exceptionally so considering.

When you join in a study group, you give off the vibe that "we are all in this together". That's were bonds come from. You are giving off a vibe that you are in this alone. You can't fault people when they respect what you are putting out there.



well, there is some truth here. i know when i extend an effort, put myself out there so to speak, i get more acknowledgement than when i don't. believe me, it's not your weight. i say hi to people all the time or at least look at them when they pass me. people, i swear, are programmed to look as if they don't see you. that's so stupid to me. happens daily though. i work in a hospital. i'll pass someone and speak and get ignored. lol. hello, i'm right here. lol. there is always going to be that few that truly are "snobs" and "jerks". but out of 30 people? it sounds like you may be doing a little self-loathing. keep being yourself but maybe try a little harder. i'm sure they're mostly good folks. and if you delete your facebook? what message does that send to the friends you have on there? i don't need you. leave me alone. if you send that message, you'll likely get what you asked for. i hope this didn't sound harsh.

sarahsmom1

If your going to college you can also take a Interpersonal comm classes and it gives you a heads up on how people act and react to to things. Not all people find it comfortable to be smiled at or even acknowledged. You never know what has happened in someone life. We all do not respond as we would. That's why we mostly are friends that have the same ways of life, like of food, and the same interests. We feel more comfortable. If you afraid of water and that's all you friend is interested in I don't think your going boating with them. When we become friends with people with different thought and likes we don't hang out or talk to them as much.

MisdemeanorM

ok, maybe i should clarify... I'm not seeking "friends" out of my classmates, I just don't understand how i can smile and say hello and be ignored. I know i probably brought the isolation on myself, and i take resposibility for that. I LIKE BEING ALONE! but, I'm not playing the victim by trying to understand why a smile or friendly jesture is not reciprocated. although, I do understand your points. they are valid, and hleped me to understand why theri attitudes are the way they are. thanks all!

Also, we're not there, so we can't see and be sure, but make sure that they are actually ignoring you and that you're not imagining it. Are you smiles and hello perceivable or timid and they might just honestly not hear you or realize that it's directed at them? A little smile and even a 1/2 wave and a mumbled or timid hello - you may think that you're being ignored, but maybe they have no idea you are taking to them. Just putting that out there to be sure you are not putting more on yourself than is there.