I lost my father today.
lemonsnowdrop
Posts: 1,298 Member
It wasn't completely unexpected; he's been under care for years now, in bad health. Chronic illness and hepatitis, plus some major liver problems. However, this week his health took a nosedive and he quickly deteriorated. He lives in Florida, and I'm in Georgia, and we didn't have the greatest relationship for the last few years.
When I was little, I was a daddy's girl. We were inseparable. My parents got a divorce and we moved to a different state, and over time I saw him less and less. Twice a year, once a year, etc. The hatred between my parents made staying with him difficult. He was constantly bad mouthing my mother, telling me she was keeping me from him. I eventually stopped going down to visit him. It was too much. We still talked on the phone occasionally.
About six years ago, all communication ceased. The distance and bad blood between my family caused me too much grief. Two years later, I sucked it up and called him. We talked pleasantly for a while, until he started accusing me of only contacting him to get to my recently deceased grandmother's inheritance. I decided to cut off all communication, incredibly hurt by that. We didn't speak for nearly four years. Still, I kept loose contact with his sister and my cousins.
This morning I got a text from my cousin telling me my father was close to dying. He'd been in critical condition for a week, and they told them they didn't think he'd make it another day. The only thing keeping him alive were breathing tubes and blood pressure medicine. He was unresponsive. I didn't even get the option to go down and see him. They had known for a week that his health was very bad, they knew. They didn't tell his only child. I know I should have been in his life, but I feel incredibly bitter because I didn't even get to go see him. There was no time.
He was unresponsive. The breathing tubes kept him from talking. I would never hear my father's voice again. If I had known all those years ago... I called his room and asked the nurse to put the phone to his ear. Maybe he could hear me. Maybe my voice reached him. I told him all the things I never got to, the things he missed. I had a beautiful baby, a son that looks just like me, a husband that he would be proud to call his son in law, a wonderful home, and I was a nursing student (but I was still going to pursue art one day, as he always encouraged me to do). Maybe he heard me. I hope he did.
After my call, they took him off the medication. They said he went quickly.
He died alone. None of his family came to visit, even though they knew. He died alone and that makes me so sad I can't even think about it properly. I'm incredibly stunned. I've been eating thoughtlessly; we have friends over and there's so much alcohol and I don't care to stop.
I'm putting this here because any positive words help. Because MFP has always helped me through tough times, and because I know there are many others who can share my pain. Thanks for listening.
When I was little, I was a daddy's girl. We were inseparable. My parents got a divorce and we moved to a different state, and over time I saw him less and less. Twice a year, once a year, etc. The hatred between my parents made staying with him difficult. He was constantly bad mouthing my mother, telling me she was keeping me from him. I eventually stopped going down to visit him. It was too much. We still talked on the phone occasionally.
About six years ago, all communication ceased. The distance and bad blood between my family caused me too much grief. Two years later, I sucked it up and called him. We talked pleasantly for a while, until he started accusing me of only contacting him to get to my recently deceased grandmother's inheritance. I decided to cut off all communication, incredibly hurt by that. We didn't speak for nearly four years. Still, I kept loose contact with his sister and my cousins.
This morning I got a text from my cousin telling me my father was close to dying. He'd been in critical condition for a week, and they told them they didn't think he'd make it another day. The only thing keeping him alive were breathing tubes and blood pressure medicine. He was unresponsive. I didn't even get the option to go down and see him. They had known for a week that his health was very bad, they knew. They didn't tell his only child. I know I should have been in his life, but I feel incredibly bitter because I didn't even get to go see him. There was no time.
He was unresponsive. The breathing tubes kept him from talking. I would never hear my father's voice again. If I had known all those years ago... I called his room and asked the nurse to put the phone to his ear. Maybe he could hear me. Maybe my voice reached him. I told him all the things I never got to, the things he missed. I had a beautiful baby, a son that looks just like me, a husband that he would be proud to call his son in law, a wonderful home, and I was a nursing student (but I was still going to pursue art one day, as he always encouraged me to do). Maybe he heard me. I hope he did.
After my call, they took him off the medication. They said he went quickly.
He died alone. None of his family came to visit, even though they knew. He died alone and that makes me so sad I can't even think about it properly. I'm incredibly stunned. I've been eating thoughtlessly; we have friends over and there's so much alcohol and I don't care to stop.
I'm putting this here because any positive words help. Because MFP has always helped me through tough times, and because I know there are many others who can share my pain. Thanks for listening.
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Replies
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Bless your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.0
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Oh honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now, but please have faith that your father heard your kind words and he took great comfort in the last moments of his life knowing that you thought enough of him to call and speak to him.
Please find a professional or a spiritual counselor to talk to about all of this. Don't let yourself get carried away by feelings of guilt, anger, or regret.
I will be praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter what the relationship is, a loss is a loss. I wouldn't worry too much about your food right now. Take time to grieve and when you're ready you can redirect your focus.0
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I'm sorry, really, truly sorry.0
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I am sorry about your dad
No one can really give any words to make you feel better but know we are all here to help support you if needed. I have been where you are and no words can take away the pain. Just know he loved you very much 
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Please reach out to someone in your life that you trust. You need a lot of love and support right now, not just from internet strangers but in person.
I'm so sorry for your loss.0 -
Please reach out to someone in your life that you trust. You need a lot of love and support right now, not just from internet strangers but in person.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know. My family is all being very supportive but I've had a pretty straight face so far. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet.0 -
So sorry for your loss.....praying for your peace0
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I'm thinking of you in this hard time, take care xx0
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Please reach out to someone in your life that you trust. You need a lot of love and support right now, not just from internet strangers but in person.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know. My family is all being very supportive but I've had a pretty straight face so far. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet.
You're probably in a state of semi-denial/shock at first. It will pass, and there will be anger and other emotions coming later.
My thoughts with you and your family.0 -
I am so sorry, I hope reaching out to your mfp family helped just a tiny bit with that pain. I will be thinking of you. Hugs!0
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I am so very, very sorry. I have lost both of my parents, at different times in the last ten years. And I sought solace in food like I always do when stressed or emotional.
Right now I would just say that I believe your father heard you and I am glad you got to tell him those things.
Just do what you can to take care of yourself for now. If later on you still feel you have residual emotions to deal with concerning your Dad and your relatives, you can look into some ways to work that out. Journaling, counseling, grief support group, or something else that works for you, such as your art.
*hugs*0 -
So sorry for your loss.0
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I am so sorry for your loss. :-( I lost my dad in October of last year. It still hurts. It gets better, you start to me thankful for every single moment, good and bad. My condolences to you.0
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I am sorry for your loss, and it's no doubt hard given the history. I hope you don't let the guilt eat you up. It sounds like you were being pushed away for years, and even to some extent used as a pawn in a war of hatred and anger between your parents. Bitterness can really change people, so hopefully you can remember your father fondly for the good times when you were younger. I am sure things will come into focus with time. Best wishes in your nursing career.0
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Oh my dear - I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))0
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I am sorry for your loss...my prayers are with you and your family,0
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The loss of your father will take a great deal of time to deal with, no matter the state of your relationship. Take care of yourself, and allow others to care for you too in the meantime.0
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I am sorry for your loss. My family will have you in our prayers and may peace rest upon you.0
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