I lost my father today.

lemonsnowdrop

It wasn't completely unexpected; he's been under care for years now, in bad health. Chronic illness and hepatitis, plus some major liver problems. However, this week his health took a nosedive and he quickly deteriorated. He lives in Florida, and I'm in Georgia, and we didn't have the greatest relationship for the last few years.

When I was little, I was a daddy's girl. We were inseparable. My parents got a divorce and we moved to a different state, and over time I saw him less and less. Twice a year, once a year, etc. The hatred between my parents made staying with him difficult. He was constantly bad mouthing my mother, telling me she was keeping me from him. I eventually stopped going down to visit him. It was too much. We still talked on the phone occasionally.

About six years ago, all communication ceased. The distance and bad blood between my family caused me too much grief. Two years later, I sucked it up and called him. We talked pleasantly for a while, until he started accusing me of only contacting him to get to my recently deceased grandmother's inheritance. I decided to cut off all communication, incredibly hurt by that. We didn't speak for nearly four years. Still, I kept loose contact with his sister and my cousins.

This morning I got a text from my cousin telling me my father was close to dying. He'd been in critical condition for a week, and they told them they didn't think he'd make it another day. The only thing keeping him alive were breathing tubes and blood pressure medicine. He was unresponsive. I didn't even get the option to go down and see him. They had known for a week that his health was very bad, they knew. They didn't tell his only child. I know I should have been in his life, but I feel incredibly bitter because I didn't even get to go see him. There was no time.

He was unresponsive. The breathing tubes kept him from talking. I would never hear my father's voice again. If I had known all those years ago... I called his room and asked the nurse to put the phone to his ear. Maybe he could hear me. Maybe my voice reached him. I told him all the things I never got to, the things he missed. I had a beautiful baby, a son that looks just like me, a husband that he would be proud to call his son in law, a wonderful home, and I was a nursing student (but I was still going to pursue art one day, as he always encouraged me to do). Maybe he heard me. I hope he did.

After my call, they took him off the medication. They said he went quickly.

He died alone. None of his family came to visit, even though they knew. He died alone and that makes me so sad I can't even think about it properly. I'm incredibly stunned. I've been eating thoughtlessly; we have friends over and there's so much alcohol and I don't care to stop.

I'm putting this here because any positive words help. Because MFP has always helped me through tough times, and because I know there are many others who can share my pain. Thanks for listening.

Unknown

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brod405

Bless your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.

CaddieMay

Oh honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now, but please have faith that your father heard your kind words and he took great comfort in the last moments of his life knowing that you thought enough of him to call and speak to him.

Please find a professional or a spiritual counselor to talk to about all of this. Don't let yourself get carried away by feelings of guilt, anger, or regret.

I will be praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way.

fastfoodietofitcutie

I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter what the relationship is, a loss is a loss. I wouldn't worry too much about your food right now. Take time to grieve and when you're ready you can redirect your focus.

SunofaBeach14

I'm sorry, really, truly sorry.

Cerakoala

I am sorry about your dad No one can really give any words to make you feel better but know we are all here to help support you if needed. I have been where you are and no words can take away the pain. Just know he loved you very much

SapiensPisces

Please reach out to someone in your life that you trust. You need a lot of love and support right now, not just from internet strangers but in person.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

lemonsnowdrop

Please reach out to someone in your life that you trust. You need a lot of love and support right now, not just from internet strangers but in person.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know. My family is all being very supportive but I've had a pretty straight face so far. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet.

cynthiagriffin794

So sorry for your loss.....praying for your peace

buzz3d269

I'm thinking of you in this hard time, take care xx

SapiensPisces

Please reach out to someone in your life that you trust. You need a lot of love and support right now, not just from internet strangers but in person.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know. My family is all being very supportive but I've had a pretty straight face so far. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet.

You're probably in a state of semi-denial/shock at first. It will pass, and there will be anger and other emotions coming later.

My thoughts with you and your family.

chele1028

I am so sorry, I hope reaching out to your mfp family helped just a tiny bit with that pain. I will be thinking of you. Hugs!

CoachJen71

I am so very, very sorry. I have lost both of my parents, at different times in the last ten years. And I sought solace in food like I always do when stressed or emotional.

Right now I would just say that I believe your father heard you and I am glad you got to tell him those things.

Just do what you can to take care of yourself for now. If later on you still feel you have residual emotions to deal with concerning your Dad and your relatives, you can look into some ways to work that out. Journaling, counseling, grief support group, or something else that works for you, such as your art.

*hugs*

Gingergal12

So sorry for your loss.

cryptonyt

I am so sorry for your loss. :-( I lost my dad in October of last year. It still hurts. It gets better, you start to me thankful for every single moment, good and bad. My condolences to you.

CanyonTrekker

I am sorry for your loss, and it's no doubt hard given the history. I hope you don't let the guilt eat you up. It sounds like you were being pushed away for years, and even to some extent used as a pawn in a war of hatred and anger between your parents. Bitterness can really change people, so hopefully you can remember your father fondly for the good times when you were younger. I am sure things will come into focus with time. Best wishes in your nursing career.

donnat238

Oh my dear - I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

layla_luvyah

I am sorry for your loss...my prayers are with you and your family,

ironanimal

The loss of your father will take a great deal of time to deal with, no matter the state of your relationship. Take care of yourself, and allow others to care for you too in the meantime.

IAMSUCCESS302

I am sorry for your loss. My family will have you in our prayers and may peace rest upon you.

luluinca

I read your story and remembered a nurse who helped me through a very rough night. I have a very attentive family but they were all at home and asleep and she literally sat with me and brought other nurses in to ice me down and waited until my fever broke and I managed to fall asleep...................and it was hours. Thinking of your dad being alone like that I would suggest you pay that experience forward and help your future patients through their rough nights. Do it for your dad.

Don't feel guilty, it was his behavior that caused the rift. Give yourself some credit for having a happy and healthy life and pass those lessons on.

Serah87

I'm sorry.....praying for you and family.

irishseven

Dear Sweetheart.....Cry, and cry and cry...and know you will always love your dad, because that is what our humanity has in our hearts.. It is too soon to worry about tomorrows, just hold your son and husband and allow them to help you. Tomorrow will come and you will be okay. Good Lord above you have love in your life,that is where you start to heal. You might not of been blessed with a perfect dad, but you have a family that wants you to be a strong and wonderful mom and wife, so let those relationships guide your heart. You can't control your past with your dad but remember to not judge him too hard now, because others hurt him too. The good life would always be to have a strong mom and dad, and you can give your son that wonderful life now. So cry for your loss and know with each new morning you can hug your baby and give him a loving mommy. You really have been BLESSED, just reach for their hands to hold ! Stay strong!

PetulantOne

I'm so sorry....:brokenheart:

stuart160

There really aren't any words that I can imagine saying to help, I am deeply sorry, not only for the loss of your father, but for suddenness of the loss that deprived you of the opportunity to reestablish the bond you shared as a child. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that your words were the last he heard and you got to tell him what you needed and trust that he did hear those words. Also know that he is now able to see beyond hurt, pain, and recrimination and realize that his daughter did love him so much that she ensured she got to tell him the things he needed to hear at the end.

zodan1976

Words cannot express what I am really feeling for you. I have said a prayer for you, your fathers soul and your family. I am glad you were able to get to talk to him before he passed not only for him but for you too. He had to have known of your love for him. This really touches me simply because I haven't spoken to my dad in over a year. our stories are very similar in that regard. I hope that you can find some relief and comfort in your MFP family. "hugs to you"

banjobraids

This really hit me because my father is in a coma right now due to going through DTs. I have a very similar relationship with him as you did with yours, except I went without talking to him for 8 years and in the last 10 have managed to keep somewhat in touch. He's in a coma because he drank himself there and while there's a part of me that is so angry and feels no sympathy because of this, there's another part that is broken up because he's my dad and we had some moments of love between us over the course of my life. I just drove to Virginia from Georgia to sit by his bed for a few days while he thrashes and has no idea anyone is there. My stepmother saw me eating licorice--I always get it when I'm driving a long distance, I don't know why. She goes, "Oh, your dad always eats that, but only when he's driving a long way." I'm sorry they didn't give you the option to go see him, you deserved to be able to see him one last time. I firmly believe he heard you speaking somewhere in his mind and heart. You won't get over his death, but it will get easier. People told me that when my mother died and it's true. If all else fails, live well because that's the best revenge. Sending you hugs. Thank you for sharing your story!

auntiemsgr8

I am very sorry for your loss

14 years ago I almost lost my father due to cancer. He was living in Arkansas and I in Maryland. We were close and I thank God every day for the neighbor who called 911 when he thought something wasn't right and for the 11 months my Dad got to live with me fighting his cancer every day.

I don't say that to be unkind. My oldest sister had cut off communication with him after my parents divorce. She had not seen or spoken to him in over 20 years. Even so, my Father never stopped loving his first child. I had been told over the years of how he always spoke of all three of his children with the same love and pride for all three. I am certain your Father never stopped loving you either.

Try to take comfort in knowing you got to speak to him and tell him everything you wanted him to know. I take care of people for a living, many at the end of ones life, and have seen many families in grief. You need to take time with your husband and son to grieve for your father. Know that he will always be watching over the three of you and sharing all the good and bad that comes with living. As much as you wish you could have been there when he passed it was Gods plan for you not to be.

You will soon be taking care of patients yourself. Some may be in similar situations to you. Comfort them as best you can and know that at some time a fellow Nurse was doing the same for your father.

For now, cry, pray and remember that your Father loved you with all his heart.

You have my deepest sympathies. May God lay his hand upon you and your family at this dark time and bring you peace and comfort.

Graelwyn75

I am so sorry. I have had a similar situation with my parents, in terms of the badmouthing of one another...me being piggy in the middle. Both my mother and brother ceased all contact with my father because of his negativity. I chose to try and stay in some sort of contact because of my fear of how I would feel if he died and I had not maintained contact.

I really hope you treat yourself kindly, and I am sure your words will have reached him, one way or another.
I am also sure that he, being your dad, would not wish you to feel any guilt or ill feelings towards yourself.

1horsetown

I'm sorry for your loss.

Keep in mind that your dad made choices for himself. It sounds like he spent years pushing people away and, in the end, he reaped what he had sown. You never could change who he was.

He had every opportunity to look you up and mend the holes, but he chose not to. You made efforts to reach out---he didn't reach back.

Be sad (for a while), but be sad that he pushed you away instead of pulling you closer.

He reaped what he sowed.