The only thing that my Granddad left me in his will was half

2

Replies

  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    :laugh: All of these jokes are terrible! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Phew! I'm glad you've said that Randy lol - I have a reputation for really bad jokes!!! I've studied humour and comedy for years and I LOVE the corniest and crappest jokes!!!

    Another 'gem' -

    what was Jack The Ripper's dog called?

    Jack the Russell!


    :laugh:
  • MooseWizard
    MooseWizard Posts: 295 Member
    Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

    They’re making headlines!
  • StacySkinny
    StacySkinny Posts: 984 Member
    Bumpity-Bump

    I better wait until tomorrow to read the rest, it's late and I don't want to wake my boyfriend up with my laughing. Keep 'em coming, guys! I love it! :D
  • StacySkinny
    StacySkinny Posts: 984 Member
    Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

    They’re making headlines!


    HAHAH! From someone who often wakes up with pillowcase lines on her face - this is priceless! :D
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

    They’re making headlines!

    :laugh:

    Terrible lol, I love it!!!

    :laugh:
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    Bumpity-Bump

    I better wait until tomorrow to read the rest, it's late and I don't want to wake my boyfriend up with my laughing.

    You ever thought about buying him a Microwave bed?

    They're great - you get 8 hours sleep in 3 minutes!!!

    :laugh:
  • pink_and_shiny
    pink_and_shiny Posts: 1,036 Member
    *Super Mario Bros. geek hat on*

    What's Mario's favorite pants fabric?



    Denim, denim, denim...
  • LandBsdotingchauffeur
    LandBsdotingchauffeur Posts: 237
    How do you scare a unique mouse?

    Unique up on them (you sneek up on them) :D
  • MooseWizard
    MooseWizard Posts: 295 Member
    How do you scare a unique mouse?

    Unique up on them (you sneek up on them) :D

    How do you catch a tame mouse?

    Tame way, unique up on it.
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    lol, these get worse - and yet better at the same time!!! :laugh:

    What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

    One is weasally recognised...

    The other...

    Is stoatally different!

    :laugh:
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,271 Member
    Someone threw a lump of cheese at me in the street the other day. I thought, "That's not very mature"!

    :smile:

    Did the guy next to him yell hey that's Nacho Cheese.
  • MooseWizard
    MooseWizard Posts: 295 Member
    What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?


    Anyone can roast beef...
  • Nicolletta
    Nicolletta Posts: 70
    How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None. It turns itself in.

    How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
    Hey, lets go ride bikes!

    How many DIY buffs does it take to change in a light bulb?
    Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?


    Anyone can roast beef...

    :laugh:

    early morning here - and THAT has set me up for the day!!!


    :laugh:


    Good one!
  • hardworkinghedonist
    hardworkinghedonist Posts: 17
    OK OK ...

    There was an inflatable boy who went to an inflatable school.

    One day, he ran around the school, poking all the other inflatable students with a pin.

    The headmaster called him in and said ... (WAIT FOR IT...) You've let yourself down, you've let the school down and you've let your classmates down!

    :bigsmile:
  • hardworkinghedonist
    hardworkinghedonist Posts: 17
    What do you do when you see a spaceman?
    Park in it, man!

    What do you do when you see a fireman?
    Put it out, man!

    AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ......

    What's the difference between a fake US dollar and an anorexic model?
    One's a phoney buck and the other's a boney .......................!

    What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
    One shoots but can't hit and the other hoots but can't ......................!

    What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
    One flits upon the shore, while the other ......... upon the floor!
  • StacySkinny
    StacySkinny Posts: 984 Member
    These are like the lamest jokes ever - and yet I still find myself laughing. Gah, my funny bone stopped growing at age 7.
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    And what is the chocolate treat behind today's window for the advent calendar?

    A chocolate depiction of The Elephant Man with a road drill... or a gas-mask wearing zombie with a machine gun!

    Hardly festive(!)

    Mind you - after MUCH deliberation, Mrs. Wife and I came to the conclusion that is is SUPPOSED To be on Mr. S. Clause.

    Lord only knows what tomorrow's mutation will look like! :D
  • sdp_2008
    sdp_2008 Posts: 1
    :P
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    "Walk"

    :laugh:
  • Rynatat
    Rynatat Posts: 807 Member
    I just spent my Sat AM catching up... these all are hysterical! I really needed to workout my ab muscles after my ab routine workout this AM :tongue:

    A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
    When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says...
    Well, that's great....that's just great....
    Some arsehole's got my pen!' :laugh:
  • rnroadrunner
    rnroadrunner Posts: 402 Member
    what do you call a dog whith no legs? It don't matter he won't come anyway.

    whats the difference between a piano and a fish? youcan tune a piano but........

    I shot an elephant in my pajamas the other morning. How he got into my pajamas i'll never know.
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    I just spent my Sat AM catching up... these all are hysterical! I really needed to workout my ab muscles after my ab routine workout this AM :tongue:

    A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
    When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says...
    Well, that's great....that's just great....
    Some arsehole's got my pen!' :laugh:

    :laugh: I like it... I'm a Nurse too... but I've never done that lol!
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    I shot an elephant in my pajamas the other morning. How he got into my pajamas i'll never know.

    :laugh:

    Had a parcel delivered... so I opened the door in my pyjamas, and the postman said "I didn't know they made pyjamas with doors in them!"



    two homeless guys.
    A police officer says:
    "Hey, you - where do you live?"
    "Nowhere," says one guy "I'm homeless!"
    "And what about you" says the cop to the other, "where do you live?"
    "Next door to him" he replies!


    :laugh:
  • hardworkinghedonist
    hardworkinghedonist Posts: 17
    The door-in-the-pajamas one actually made me SNORT with laughter!!! How attractive!
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    The door-in-the-pajamas one actually made me SNORT with laughter!!! How attractive!

    lol, you ain't seen the pyjamas in question!

    :laugh:

    There's two drunk guys... and they're REALLY intoxicated... one looks up and slurs,
    "Whoah! Hey - is that the son or the moon up there?"

    "How the hell should I know" says the other, "I don't live around here!"

    :laugh:
  • rnroadrunner
    rnroadrunner Posts: 402 Member
    :laugh: A doctor is standing behind a hard-of-hearing-elderly woman listening to her lungs. He says to her. Big breaths. and she sighs. Well they use to be.
  • hardworkinghedonist
    hardworkinghedonist Posts: 17
    A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your damn beak to the bar you irritating damn duck!"

    Duck says: "Got any nails?"

    Barman says: "No"

    Duck says: "Got any bread?
  • Wiitabax
    Wiitabax Posts: 284
    A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

    Duck says: "Got any bread?"

    Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your damn beak to the bar you irritating damn duck!"

    Duck says: "Got any nails?"

    Barman says: "No"

    Duck says: "Got any bread?


    :laugh: I love that one! It QUACKED me up!!!






    A white horse goes into a pub called "The White Horse" and orders a pint of beer.

    "Hey" says the landlord, "our pub is named after you!"

    "Really?" says the horse, "Your pub's called 'Trevor'?"


    :laugh:
  • JoyousRen
    JoyousRen Posts: 3,823 Member
    My favorite cheesy joke:
    Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says "Is it me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffins says "Holy *kitten*! A talking muffin!"
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