Wedding woes-more etiquette questions
Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.
First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.
The only date his mother would be able to make is 2 weeks after the bachelorette weekend.
So two weeks after spending THAT money and a month before any wedding expenses they have to do this?
I'm tempted to just forget the whole idea.
I do think if people want to buy us a gift, they'll buy us a gift.
I don't want to suck more of peoples time and money than I already had.
And I certainly don't need a hat made of bows and to have a bunch of women sitting around giggling about the "Wedding night" while drinking some watered down champagne punch with ice cream in it............
So do I just tell the fiance and his mom "Sorry, this just won't fly" or do I suck it up and be forced to play pretty princess for an additional day?
First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.
The only date his mother would be able to make is 2 weeks after the bachelorette weekend.
So two weeks after spending THAT money and a month before any wedding expenses they have to do this?
I'm tempted to just forget the whole idea.
I do think if people want to buy us a gift, they'll buy us a gift.
I don't want to suck more of peoples time and money than I already had.
And I certainly don't need a hat made of bows and to have a bunch of women sitting around giggling about the "Wedding night" while drinking some watered down champagne punch with ice cream in it............
So do I just tell the fiance and his mom "Sorry, this just won't fly" or do I suck it up and be forced to play pretty princess for an additional day?
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Replies
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Totally suck it up! My friend got married in the UK last year, and what they decided to do was turn the shower into a family type co-ed cookout. Made it more of an informal get together, no party games, just drinks, food and laughs. Best bridal shower I've ever gone to. They didn't even open gifts in front of people. It was great!0
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It is your day, schedule it when it is convenient for you not her
If she can't be there, OH Well 0 -
Etiquette-wise, you're not obligated to say yes to every party everyone offers to throw you. It can put a lot of added stress on overlapping guests. It can cause hurt feelings when a mother in law invites all the aunts and kiddies to the bridal shower and you're not planning on inviting any of them to the wedding.
First, you need to get your future husband on board with you and come at this as a team. Since it would be a party thrown for you that you don't want, he needs to respect that you don't want it. He shouldn't ask you to do this just because he wants gifts. Remind him that a lot of the gifts would be for you and only you anyway. For my shower, a lot of people gave me cookbooks, spa vouchers, candles, bath and shower products, and tea stuff. You can also explain to him that people typically budget a total gift cost and then split it up into the different wedding events. If I am going to go to a wedding and give a $100 gift (keeping it even), but then I get invited to 2 bridal showers and a bachelorette party, I will probably end up spending $25 on the bridal shower gift and $75-80 on the wedding gift.
Once he sees the light, you both should talk to his mother about how wonderful she is and how kind to think of you, but that you really don't want to do a bridal shower, you're so overwhelmed, etc. Ultimately, it's up to your husband if his mother is pressing the issue and making you uncomfortable.0 -
If you invite those particular women to the wedding, I think they will buy you a gift if they want to. Our "mistake" when we got married was that we had a destination wedding and knew not very many folks would be able to come. So we didn't even bother sending out invitations; instead, we just called everyone up and told them the date. That is what caused us to not get very many gifts. We thought people would understand, but apparently they were offended they didn't get invited.
If you really don't want to have a bridal shower, maybe a compromise is in order. Meet for a brunch or lunch at a casual restaurant where you can receive gifts. Everyone can order a dessert instead of buying a cake or something.0 -
Personally, I don't think you're being selfish enough. It's your event...put your foot down and do it the way you want it done.0
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You sound like a selfish brat to me. Just an observation!!!
So the fact I don't want the women in my wedding party to turn around and have to spend that much money or time makes me a brat?
Interesting.
You seem to have a reading comprehension problem.
Agreed. I'm at a lost to see how you can be considered a "selfish brat" in this scenario.
Don't let anybody strong arm you into something you're uncomfortable with. If you feel like you don't need to have a shower then put your foot down, the sooner the better.0 -
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Sometimes wedding traditions are more for the family than the bride and groom. If you've picked the right man, this will be your only bridal shower ever, so I'm sure you can suck it up for one day. If you're worried about your friends spending too much money, tell them in person that you don't expect a gift or just something small. You don't have to do a traditional bridal shower it you think they are stuffy and boring - make it fun and make it yours! Be creative!0
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Here is how I would solve it.
<name of soon to be mom-in-law> it is tacky for me to host my own bridal shower. I feel that my maid of honor and bridal party have done enough and I don't feel comfortable asking them to host me another party. If you wish to throw us a party I would be happy to accept, but I would expect your son to be there also, so a co-ed party would be the most appropriate.
Main ideas:
1) A bride does not throw her own parties
2) You do not expect your friends who are already spending big $ on dresses and other wedding events to do so
3) If your MIL wants to do so, your future husband is also on the hook because you will likely know no one well.
(Personally, I had a few bridal showers -- one with school friends and one of family-- but each were something that was not planned by me. Neither one was a big deal. One was cake and punch and favorite recipe party, and the other was a pampered chef party so I could get a few gadgets for my kitchen while we all had brunch and chatted. The pampered chef party was super easy because people didn't have to bring a gift with them, I had a number of very inexpensive items on the list and I didn't get any duplicates.
) 0 -
do whatever YOU want. YOU are the bride...YOU are the one who needs to be made happy. Gifts will come at the wedding too. Do not do anything you do not want to. being a bride is stressful enough... let go of stress anywhere possible
and congrats!!0 -
My cousin ran into this problem as well; because of overly involved parents they've had 3 stag and does, a wedding shower, a bridal shower, and an "open house" for people who were friends/family but wouldn't be invited to the wedding.
I think when it comes down to it, it's your and your husband to be's decision. If you're uncomfortable with a bridal shower, ask to do a wedding shower instead. Then it's co-ed and you can treat it more like a get together. If it would work to skip renting a venue, use your back yard or get a permit to do it at a public park (they're usually pretty cheap), and just do a cook-out or something. If you feel uncomfortable asking people to bring gifts (although we all know some people will), you could always do it like a pot-luck.
Really, it's your wedding, not your mother in laws, so talk to your man and figure out what you two want, and go from there.0 -
Here is how I would solve it.
<name of soon to be mom-in-law> it is tacky for me to host my own bridal shower. I feel that my maid of honor and bridal party have done enough and I don't feel comfortable asking them to host me another party. If you wish to throw us a party I would be happy to accept, but I would expect your son to be there also, so a co-ed party would be the most appropriate.
Main ideas:
1) A bride does not throw her own parties
2) You do not expect your friends who are already spending big $ on dresses and other wedding events to do so
3) If your MIL wants to do so, your future husband is also on the hook because you will likely know no one well.
This. All of this. I didn't expect my MOH or anyone to throw me a bridal shower. Some ladies that I have known almost my entire life threw it and it was awesome. I did say I didn't want games or anything over the top and they listened. If you don't want a bridal shower, then they need to respect that.
What gives me pause is that your fiancé is coming across as selfish. Yes, you get presents, but that's not what it should be about. If he's not respecting your decision and standing up to your future MIL and you guys aren't even married yet, things are going to be not so good after y'all are hitched.0 -
I'm solving this problem by NOT having a wedding and just doing a small little City Hall thing with a meal after. The whole big white wedding thing gives me the hebbie jeebies.0
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Ok, editing after reading ALL of the comments and understanding more what is going on, your first post confused me a little. If you don't want a shower, I think that you should just tell them that. Your fiance and MIL shouldn't have anything to do with it because it's not about them . Have you told your girls that you don't want a shower? They're all the support that you really need as they are the ones who would be throwing the shower.0
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Can't you just go out and drink booze?0
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Totally suck it up! My friend got married in the UK last year, and what they decided to do was turn the shower into a family type co-ed cookout. Made it more of an informal get together, no party games, just drinks, food and laughs. Best bridal shower I've ever gone to. They didn't even open gifts in front of people. It was great!
we did something very similar to this! we had a co-ed 'shower' but it was a wine tasting and had food. some people brought gifts. and we opened them. i think we did a COUPLE of games. it was a lot of fun. and neither of us had a bachelor/bachelorette party0 -
it is about you, but thats why you shouldnt have one, not why you should. why do something that you dont want to do for your own wedding? doesnt make sense to me. if your fiance wants gifts then maybe he should have a groom showerTrying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.
First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.0 -
I eloped just to avoid situations like this. However, I wasn't able to get out of having a baby shower so I asked my mom to do a display shower and to do it for brunch. This way I didn't take up people's whole day. We didn't have any stupid games like guess how many inches my fat stomach is. Because it was a display shower, everyone brought their gifts unwrapped so I didn't have to bore everyone spending time painstakingly opening each gift. It actually turned out kind of fun. Just a big party.0
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If she wants to trow you a shower let her have at it. Just show up and that's it. You can ask her to not make to much of a fuss.
You could request for guests NOT to bring a present. Anyone does bring one, thank them and put it away (so everyone who actually listened won't feel awkward. )0 -
...My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one...
I doubt you're going to make a profit off this wedding. By the time you pay for all of these various events, you could have bought ten times the presents for yourselves. IMO, people blow an egregious amount of money on weddings these days. I don't think it would be wrong for you to NOT want to do a bridal shower, but maybe I'm just another one of those selfish, anti-social types... 0 -
I say have a Bridal Pre-Intervention Shower. Everyone brings you a bottle of liquor to ensure your new marriage goes smoothly for the first few years!!
But no tequila. You women are cray after tequila. And bourbon ensures babies.0 -
Personally, I think the timing of such an event should not revolve around one person, unless that person is you. So if you want to do it sooner, you should. Also, have your bridesmaids plan it, tell them what you don't want it to be like, and they will help take the fuss and stress away!
At least you aren't in Winnipeg where we do bridal showers and a stupid social (we throw fundraisers for ourselves - it seems so wrong to me).0 -
Wedding traditions are changing. Do what you want. You want to hear selfish? A couple of months into planning, my wife canceled all of our elaborate wedding plans, booked us in Vegas, bought tickets to Vegas for our parents, booked a fantastic honeymoon, then called me and told me what we were doing. God, I love that woman! It's your wedding, not your MIL's.0
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My first thought was, tell them to forget it. Enuf is enuf.
But then .... people around here have begun to have dual showers. It's actually kind of a neat idea, and it gets the guys involved too. They have a part where it's both the bridal shower and a "shower" for the guy too. The guys can BBQ or do whatever they want, but they get to have a get-together as well. AND it can morph into some kind of a couples get together afterward if anybody chooses to. And the guy gets to have his own "shower" as well, which the grooms have absolutely loved.
i've been to one. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical, but coming away from it, it was a lot of fun. Of course, some of the more traditional people didn't like it and were too ingrained in the idea of little rolled sandwiches and such.
But heh, you only go around once. You figure, you need to pick your battles. This may be the time to just take a big breath and roll with the punches and go with it. But keep it in the back of your mind for when you need to dig your heels in ... that you caved for THIS) 0 -
I would do the shower, if she wants to host it but I would tell her you don't feel the need to throw a shower for yourself or for your bridal party to throw one. If she wants to have one that bad and you don't like the idea of people having to bring another gift tell her your conditions for the shower. A gathering to celebrate but no gifts and you can throw that on the invitation, that's what I did for a college graduation party, I wanted to celebrate with people I love but didn't feel the need for people to give me money.
If that offends her or the fiance and you decide to oblige people will consider that when invited to the shower. My friend is getting married in October and she's having two showers a bachlorette party and then the wedding. Technically you are supposed to show up with something to every one, well it's expensive! So instead of showing up empty handed at each, I'm doing small gifts for each one to where I would end up spending 60-75$ overall. People will consider this option, show up empty handed, or won't show up. I'm getting married next year and don't want to ask any of my bridal party to put money forth on showers and a bachlorette party because I know they are already paying for their dress, hair, and makeup and I already feel bad for all of that!
It's expensive!0 -
Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.
First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.
The only date his mother would be able to make is 2 weeks after the bachelorette weekend.
So two weeks after spending THAT money and a month before any wedding expenses they have to do this?
I'm tempted to just forget the whole idea.
I do think if people want to buy us a gift, they'll buy us a gift.
I don't want to suck more of peoples time and money than I already had.
And I certainly don't need a hat made of bows and to have a bunch of women sitting around giggling about the "Wedding night" while drinking some watered down champagne punch with ice cream in it............
So do I just tell the fiance and his mom "Sorry, this just won't fly" or do I suck it up and be forced to play pretty princess for an additional day?
I was torn on the whole thing as well. I hate being the center of attention. My mom asked if I wanted a shower after we got married (eloped), before the reception, which was 6 months later. At first I said no, but then I spoke with a friend about it and he said, "You only get to do this once." I realized he was right and went for it, but definitely my way. My sister helped my mom and we had it at a bowling alley with pizza and cupcakes. My sister even found pizza cutter favors. Only my friends and immediate family were there. We had a really good time and it was really cheap. However, if it was my MIL or mom wanting a big and/or formal bridal shower, I probably would have said no.0 -
The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel
And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
And I don't blame him.
I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.0 -
The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel
And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
And I don't blame him.
I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.
Well then, there's your answer. Don't do it. :drinker:0 -
Purposefully courting gifts is horribly, transparently tacky. Do what you want (and can reasonable afford) to celebrate love and life with your family and friends. All other considerations are (or at least, should be) irrelevant.0
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