Wedding woes-more etiquette questions

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Replies

  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.

    I vote definite no way, Jose.

    Especially if she might not even show up.

    Nope, nope, nope.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
    It is your day, schedule it when it is convenient for you not her :)

    If she can't be there, OH Well :)

    Nope. Showers are not thrown by the bride or her family. They are a party thrown FOR her by her friends or the groom's family. This is her MIL's day.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.
    Yeah that pretty much sums it up, do as you wish....\m/
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    It depends on whether or not his mom will be offended by you refusing it. I do agree that this should be about you and what you want, but keep in mind that you will have to deal with your mother in law from here on out. One thing you can do is make the gifts specific so that you at least get exactly what you want out of it. When I threw my best friend a baby shower, she requested that people only give diapers and bottles of wine as gifts-both things she would need a lot of after the baby was born. I thought it was a pretty cool idea!
  • Pipsg1rl
    Pipsg1rl Posts: 1,414 Member
    Why not a Groom "shower" instead?

    Generally I find everything other than the bridal shower are focused on "bed and bath and kitchen" type items.

    Is he handy? Do you own a hammer or a weed eater or traditionally "manly" gifts? Maybe call it a Power Shower.

    Besides, it's HIS mother, so why shouldn't she host for him. You'll both benefit in the long run.

    PS: sounds like your fiancé's love language is "gifts."
  • abcgfed
    abcgfed Posts: 26
    You can also make a suggestion about what you want to receive from the guests at the wedding. For example, ask everyone to bring their favorite recipe and picture of them with you and/or the groom and say that they should bring no other gifts. That way, they will give you something that is much more sentimental than a $100 place setting of China you'll never use and it will cost hardly anything. You could even offer to compile the recipes and send everyone a copy. Or find a way to make a game out of compiling the pictures.

    One other option - make it an event that doesn't require gifts but allows some bonding time. Have it at an art studio that will allow everyone to paint a picture (like this http://www.artplusstudio.com/private-parties.html). Don't accept gifts, just say you want everyone to spend time together and get something out of the shower. It's way more fun than shower games (which are the worst) and allows you to have the party without asking people to spend money on you.
  • live2dream
    live2dream Posts: 614 Member
    Do what YOU want. Traditions are overrated. I didn't do anything traditional and was much happier!
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,659 Member
    You think you're having problems now ?????

    Just wait :laugh:

    Lots of reasonable suggestions here ...... don't be a doormat ..... and good luck :drinker:
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
    I don't blame you... I had two bridal showers and they made me very uncomfortable... I'm not anti-social by any means but I hate being the sole focus of things...
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    You sound a little anti-social. Not a bad thing. Just an "it is what it is" thing. If that's the case though why have a wedding, a huge social event, at all? Just elope. If the answer is your fiance wanted a big wedding then just suck this one last thing up and do the guy a solid. Do one last social thing and get a few gifts in the process. Hopefully he does things for you he doesn't want to do occasionally. If on the other than the huge social event that is your wedding is something you wanted too I say still suck it up. You got people to buy in to your wedding. Now they're invested. Let them have some fun throwing this shower thing.

    I actually agree with this advice.

    Generally speaking, it seems like you're expected to be "all in" or "all out" when having a wedding these days. By that I mean, ALL IN = somewhat traditional wedding, bachelorette party, bridal shower, all of that stuff including all of the gifts and how obnoxious it all gets. Or...ALL OUT = eloping, no parties and fuss, very few gifts.

    I've done both. All in for my first wedding (2002) and all out when I married my current husband (2013). I prefer the latter, for many reasons. BUT there is something to be said for the whole shebang of the "all in" wedding...and honestly it WAS kind of nice getting loads of presents ;-)
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    Why not a Groom "shower" instead?

    Generally I find everything other than the bridal shower are focused on "bed and bath and kitchen" type items.

    Is he handy? Do you own a hammer or a weed eater or traditionally "manly" gifts? Maybe call it a Power Shower.

    Besides, it's HIS mother, so why shouldn't she host for him. You'll both benefit in the long run.

    PS: sounds like your fiancé's love language is "gifts."

    I like this idea. An hour long shower with guys. :laugh:
  • SonyaKou
    SonyaKou Posts: 33 Member
    I am just going to address the etiquette. It is of course up to you how you wish to proceed if you should desire to break etiquette.

    It is VERY BAD etiquette for a bride and groom to ever through their own bridal shower or bachelor / bachelorette party. You should NOT host your own. That being said, I know you may not like the fuss, but if you mother-in-law/ bridesmaid's throw you a party, it is bad etiquette to fight them on it or to not attend. If you feel close with your mother-in-law, perhaps suggest a co-ed bbq or something more informal, but you should still be in attendance.

    And don't worry about people spending too much money on your gifts. People spend exactly how much they want to on weddings. Most people who are attending the wedding will either buy a small thing for the bridal shower or not worry about it and put it into the wedding gift. Otherwise, they won't attend.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I am just going to address the etiquette. It is of course up to you how you wish to proceed if you should desire to break etiquette.

    It is VERY BAD etiquette for a bride and groom to ever through their own bridal shower or bachelor / bachelorette party. You should NOT host your own.

    holy moly, I agree 100%.

    Now rereading the OP's post I am still not clear on whether she was planning to host her own shower but I'd assume not. Definitely don't do that. haha
  • Shan_Lindsay
    Shan_Lindsay Posts: 60 Member
    You're not supposed to be planning your own bridal shower - your MOH or Mother of the Bride or Mother of the Groom should host it and organize it all.

    I like bridal showers and I am happy I had one. We got a lot of useful stuff and everyone enjoyed meeting each other before the wedding.
  • jenifr818
    jenifr818 Posts: 805 Member
    I eloped for pretty much this reason. I had a family member try to pretty much completely take over the wedding prep and make it what I guess SHE wanted for her ideal wedding. Nope, sorry, not happening. I hate big to-do stuff and I didn't want a big fuss, and it was turning into a big headache. Went to city hall, and 3 days later, we said "I do" in front of our best friend and a justice of the peace. Wearing jeans and a polo.

    $75 and no dress required.

    Moral of the story: do what YOU want to do. It's YOUR day. If your husband wants nothing to do with a dual party, and you don't want another one, then simply don't do it.
  • MelAb8709
    MelAb8709 Posts: 140 Member
    I just got married a month ago - my 2nd, his 1st. So, I was very much against the idea of having a shower when we're adults, we already have everything we need, and I knew people would give gifts at the wedding.

    I ended up having 4 (yes - 4!) showers because people INSISTED. They seriously did not understand why in the world we didn't want a shower. So, I figured, if they really want to throw a shower, let them.

    1) His sisters hosted one for his side of the family. He was there, so were uncles, brothers, it was in the backyard, some snacks, a cake, no big deal but fun and relaxing. We did play one or two games.
    2) My close friends who were also invited to the wedding took me to dinner. Hubs made an appearance and helped bring gifts home.
    3) My co-workers, none of whom were invited to the wedding, took us both to lunch and again, lots of gifts.
    4) His co-workers, some of whom were invited, threw us a very nice lunch shower in a conference room at his office.

    We ended up also having a second wedding celebration because much of his family wasn't able to travel to Chicago - so we had a backyard party where they live. Very low-key and casual.

    So, basically what I'm saying is, let them throw you a shower if they really want to. I didn't ask for any of these, but people just really wanted to celebrate us and it started to feel like we were being party poopers by initially declining. You should definitely not host your own shower though, so if your bridesmaids are abiding by your wishes, and his mom isn't offering to host, then you're off the hook.
  • WickedPineapple
    WickedPineapple Posts: 698 Member
    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.

    ...Wouldn't his mother be the one throwing it for you? You don't throw your own shower, people throw it for you.

    My husband was with me at ours, but where I'm from the groom is always there as well (and the father is always at baby showers).

    So they both want you to have a shower you don't want, but neither will be there? Yeah, screw that.
  • Guns_N_Buns
    Guns_N_Buns Posts: 1,899 Member
    Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.

    First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
    My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.
    it is about you, but thats why you shouldnt have one, not why you should. why do something that you dont want to do for your own wedding? doesnt make sense to me. if your fiance wants gifts then maybe he should have a groom shower

    +1

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