Wedding woes-more etiquette questions

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  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    ...My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one...


    I doubt you're going to make a profit off this wedding. By the time you pay for all of these various events, you could have bought ten times the presents for yourselves. IMO, people blow an egregious amount of money on weddings these days. I don't think it would be wrong for you to NOT want to do a bridal shower, but maybe I'm just another one of those selfish, anti-social types...:wink:
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I say have a Bridal Pre-Intervention Shower. Everyone brings you a bottle of liquor to ensure your new marriage goes smoothly for the first few years!!

    But no tequila. You women are cray after tequila. And bourbon ensures babies.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,953 Member
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    Personally, I think the timing of such an event should not revolve around one person, unless that person is you. So if you want to do it sooner, you should. Also, have your bridesmaids plan it, tell them what you don't want it to be like, and they will help take the fuss and stress away!

    At least you aren't in Winnipeg where we do bridal showers and a stupid social (we throw fundraisers for ourselves - it seems so wrong to me).
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
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    Wedding traditions are changing. Do what you want. You want to hear selfish? A couple of months into planning, my wife canceled all of our elaborate wedding plans, booked us in Vegas, bought tickets to Vegas for our parents, booked a fantastic honeymoon, then called me and told me what we were doing. God, I love that woman! It's your wedding, not your MIL's.
  • toadg53
    toadg53 Posts: 302 Member
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    My first thought was, tell them to forget it. Enuf is enuf.

    But then .... people around here have begun to have dual showers. It's actually kind of a neat idea, and it gets the guys involved too. They have a part where it's both the bridal shower and a "shower" for the guy too. The guys can BBQ or do whatever they want, but they get to have a get-together as well. AND it can morph into some kind of a couples get together afterward if anybody chooses to. And the guy gets to have his own "shower" as well, which the grooms have absolutely loved.

    i've been to one. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical, but coming away from it, it was a lot of fun. Of course, some of the more traditional people didn't like it and were too ingrained in the idea of little rolled sandwiches and such.

    But heh, you only go around once. You figure, you need to pick your battles. This may be the time to just take a big breath and roll with the punches and go with it. But keep it in the back of your mind for when you need to dig your heels in ... that you caved for THIS :))
  • mmredd100
    mmredd100 Posts: 50 Member
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    I would do the shower, if she wants to host it but I would tell her you don't feel the need to throw a shower for yourself or for your bridal party to throw one. If she wants to have one that bad and you don't like the idea of people having to bring another gift tell her your conditions for the shower. A gathering to celebrate but no gifts and you can throw that on the invitation, that's what I did for a college graduation party, I wanted to celebrate with people I love but didn't feel the need for people to give me money.

    If that offends her or the fiance and you decide to oblige people will consider that when invited to the shower. My friend is getting married in October and she's having two showers a bachlorette party and then the wedding. Technically you are supposed to show up with something to every one, well it's expensive! So instead of showing up empty handed at each, I'm doing small gifts for each one to where I would end up spending 60-75$ overall. People will consider this option, show up empty handed, or won't show up. I'm getting married next year and don't want to ask any of my bridal party to put money forth on showers and a bachlorette party because I know they are already paying for their dress, hair, and makeup and I already feel bad for all of that!

    It's expensive!
  • WickedPineapple
    WickedPineapple Posts: 698 Member
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    Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.

    First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
    My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.


    The only date his mother would be able to make is 2 weeks after the bachelorette weekend.

    So two weeks after spending THAT money and a month before any wedding expenses they have to do this?

    I'm tempted to just forget the whole idea.

    I do think if people want to buy us a gift, they'll buy us a gift.
    I don't want to suck more of peoples time and money than I already had.
    And I certainly don't need a hat made of bows and to have a bunch of women sitting around giggling about the "Wedding night" while drinking some watered down champagne punch with ice cream in it............

    So do I just tell the fiance and his mom "Sorry, this just won't fly" or do I suck it up and be forced to play pretty princess for an additional day?

    I was torn on the whole thing as well. I hate being the center of attention. My mom asked if I wanted a shower after we got married (eloped), before the reception, which was 6 months later. At first I said no, but then I spoke with a friend about it and he said, "You only get to do this once." I realized he was right and went for it, but definitely my way. My sister helped my mom and we had it at a bowling alley with pizza and cupcakes. My sister even found pizza cutter favors. Only my friends and immediate family were there. We had a really good time and it was really cheap. However, if it was my MIL or mom wanting a big and/or formal bridal shower, I probably would have said no.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.

    Well then, there's your answer. Don't do it. :drinker:
  • DenDweller
    DenDweller Posts: 1,438 Member
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    Purposefully courting gifts is horribly, transparently tacky. Do what you want (and can reasonable afford) to celebrate love and life with your family and friends. All other considerations are (or at least, should be) irrelevant.
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
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    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.

    I vote definite no way, Jose.

    Especially if she might not even show up.

    Nope, nope, nope.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
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    It is your day, schedule it when it is convenient for you not her :)

    If she can't be there, OH Well :)

    Nope. Showers are not thrown by the bride or her family. They are a party thrown FOR her by her friends or the groom's family. This is her MIL's day.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,291 Member
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    The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

    And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
    And I don't blame him.

    I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.
    Yeah that pretty much sums it up, do as you wish....\m/
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
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    It depends on whether or not his mom will be offended by you refusing it. I do agree that this should be about you and what you want, but keep in mind that you will have to deal with your mother in law from here on out. One thing you can do is make the gifts specific so that you at least get exactly what you want out of it. When I threw my best friend a baby shower, she requested that people only give diapers and bottles of wine as gifts-both things she would need a lot of after the baby was born. I thought it was a pretty cool idea!
  • Pipsg1rl
    Pipsg1rl Posts: 1,414 Member
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    Why not a Groom "shower" instead?

    Generally I find everything other than the bridal shower are focused on "bed and bath and kitchen" type items.

    Is he handy? Do you own a hammer or a weed eater or traditionally "manly" gifts? Maybe call it a Power Shower.

    Besides, it's HIS mother, so why shouldn't she host for him. You'll both benefit in the long run.

    PS: sounds like your fiancé's love language is "gifts."
  • abcgfed
    abcgfed Posts: 26
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    You can also make a suggestion about what you want to receive from the guests at the wedding. For example, ask everyone to bring their favorite recipe and picture of them with you and/or the groom and say that they should bring no other gifts. That way, they will give you something that is much more sentimental than a $100 place setting of China you'll never use and it will cost hardly anything. You could even offer to compile the recipes and send everyone a copy. Or find a way to make a game out of compiling the pictures.

    One other option - make it an event that doesn't require gifts but allows some bonding time. Have it at an art studio that will allow everyone to paint a picture (like this http://www.artplusstudio.com/private-parties.html). Don't accept gifts, just say you want everyone to spend time together and get something out of the shower. It's way more fun than shower games (which are the worst) and allows you to have the party without asking people to spend money on you.
  • live2dream
    live2dream Posts: 614 Member
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    Do what YOU want. Traditions are overrated. I didn't do anything traditional and was much happier!
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,659 Member
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    You think you're having problems now ?????

    Just wait :laugh:

    Lots of reasonable suggestions here ...... don't be a doormat ..... and good luck :drinker:
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
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    I don't blame you... I had two bridal showers and they made me very uncomfortable... I'm not anti-social by any means but I hate being the sole focus of things...
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    You sound a little anti-social. Not a bad thing. Just an "it is what it is" thing. If that's the case though why have a wedding, a huge social event, at all? Just elope. If the answer is your fiance wanted a big wedding then just suck this one last thing up and do the guy a solid. Do one last social thing and get a few gifts in the process. Hopefully he does things for you he doesn't want to do occasionally. If on the other than the huge social event that is your wedding is something you wanted too I say still suck it up. You got people to buy in to your wedding. Now they're invested. Let them have some fun throwing this shower thing.

    I actually agree with this advice.

    Generally speaking, it seems like you're expected to be "all in" or "all out" when having a wedding these days. By that I mean, ALL IN = somewhat traditional wedding, bachelorette party, bridal shower, all of that stuff including all of the gifts and how obnoxious it all gets. Or...ALL OUT = eloping, no parties and fuss, very few gifts.

    I've done both. All in for my first wedding (2002) and all out when I married my current husband (2013). I prefer the latter, for many reasons. BUT there is something to be said for the whole shebang of the "all in" wedding...and honestly it WAS kind of nice getting loads of presents ;-)

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